Nails, Confidence, and Family

Today I went to the manicurist for my last scheduled bi-weekly appointment. I love her, and I will definitely be returning for special occasions and recommending her to anyone who asks, but I've accomplished my goal. I have my own natural nails that have been decreed "beautiful" by my manicurist (who also told me to never put on "nasty acrylics" again.) And I went for 2 weeks with these natural nails of mine and didn't bite them off. I think that means my habit is broken... I just keep thinking how proud Nathan would have been... I mean I know that it's really banal, but he hated that I bit my nails, and he would have been so proud of me for deciding that I was going to stop, finding a way, and doing it. And now look at them! It's a small thing, really, but it's a goal that I've accomplished that makes me feel good and pretty and happy.

I'm trying out a new thing... It's called confidence. It's hard because the world is so confusing. One shouldn't be proud, one should be modest and self-deprecating humor is so funny. People don't like arrogance, but at the same time you should be confident. You should be comfortable with who you are. You should be proud to be the person you are... just not too proud.  How is a girl supposed to keep all that in her head at once especially when it all contradicts? But all my life I've worried about what people thought of me... and I don't know that it's going to go away anytime soon, but as a combat to the worry, what I'm trying to do now is remember one important thing. I like myself. I think I'm just darling. I think I'm attractive and funny and smart and clever. I think I'm something special. One in a billion, a gal of epic awesomeness. And if someone doesn't see that or disagrees then the fault doesn't lie in me... it lies in them. And the thing is I have to believe this about myself now, because I don't have my cheerleader anymore to tell me so everyday. So I have to tell myself, and remember that I'm not like a bad audition-er on American Idol. I'm one of the good 'uns. I can blow you away with who I am. I just gotta believe in myself... me and Xenia on the Voice... (Is it bad that I'd rather just save all of Blake's team and kick off Christina's? I think I hate Christina Aguilera's personality. I like her when she is acting, but when she is herself I really don't like her...)

I just got an e-mail from my cousin Wyatt, detailing the hotel/lodge accommodations for the Miller side of the family for his wedding. Apparently most of us are going to all be staying in one building. I'm really excited. These make for the best family gatherings ever. I have a lot of very fond memories of the entire Miller clan in one house for Christmas... all the cousins in the basement getting really hyper on juju frogs, cheap cola and my uncle Walter's spicy spicy beef jerky of amazing. Making up a band called, "I Spit" and laughing hysterically. I love my cousins so much! So while I'm sad I will miss my HS reunion, at least I'm not missing it for something that I'm not going to enjoy. My family... well I just can't say enough how lucky I am to be a part of it.