Hello from beautiful Branson, MO! Bill and Paula are down here in Branson this weekend and I've come to visit, with Katie. We went and saw SIX tonight. Six brothers who sing acapella music, and put on a show. Bad jokes requisite of Branson made an appearance or two but it was mainly just impressive singing. Nathan would have enjoyed it... and then, towards the end of the show, they talked about their mother who they lost to cancer... and then they sang a song that one of the brothers had written for their mom, and then they sang some hymns, and the tears just escaped and ran straight from my heart down my cheeks. They lost her too early at 52... twice as old as Nathan...A person's story of losing someone to cancer... I'm not sure if it will always hit me in the gut, but it sure does now.
This is the house that I came to on that very first Thanksgiving when I got stranded in Springfield and Nathan decreed I would be coming to his family Thanksgiving. Where I first met his wonderful family... where we stayed up late watching some movie and took naps on the sofas downstairs the next day... where we did online crossword puzzles together, and where I half fell in love with him, even though we were "just friends." There was a couple celebrating their third anniversary tonight... That is the last anniversary we will have... On my third anniversary my husband wrote me 25 haikus that he released to facebook/his blog every hour... and then an extra one at midnight the "next" day cause he knew I'd be sad that they were over. Ach, there is a heck of a lot of missing going on tonight.
Sometimes I fight against the comfort that people offer.. because I don't want them. I want him, and when they offer me comfort it just highlights who isn't here to comfort me... But if you are a guy my age, please don't be afraid to give me a hug every once in a while. You are the people group least likely to give unsolicited hugs (understandably) but unfortunately you are also the people group who are the most comforting to me. It's a catch 22, but I promise I won't think you are a creeper. It's really frustrating not being touchy but craving touch at the same time... I think this is why people get pets... cause others would think you were weird if you just randomly started leaning on them, or grabbed their hand and held on, or put it on your shoulder. Unfortunately, I'm also not an animal person.
Renee, if you were up here in St. Louis now, I'd give you a big hug or let you lean on me.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot to miss about Nathan, honestly. So I can't take the pain away...but I can tell you it's justified and you have friends who love you, including me, even though we haven't spoken in quite some time.
Praying for you. I hope you sleep well.
Tears....and we will just leave it at that!
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