*sigh*

So I have a confession... I thought about not blogging about this because I feel really bad and embarrassed about it. Like... a little heart-brokenly bad.

I wanted to blog about my friend Janis and how cool she is and how she sends me super awesome postcards.

I wanted to blog about Dr. Who.

I wanted to blog about happy trees and rainbows.

But tonight I was reading facebook and came to a post from one of my former teachers. It was about how tomorrow is she and her husband's 28th wedding anniversary.

And that's when I remembered. At 10:45 the day before. And really only because I remembered that this teacher and I shared our anniversaries.

Tomorrow (Today for most of you) is my 5th wedding anniversary.

Now there are lots of excuses I can use to explain why I hadn't been thinking about it. Being very busy with video game stuff, preaching mentoring, grad school stuff. Events in my head looming up like Josh and Kara's ordination, the baby dedication, Josh and Kara moving, upcoming 29th birthday, a trip home, 10 years of friendship with Kara, 1st day of school.

But none of that makes me feel better about the fact that I forgot. I'll admit that I sent Kara an e-mail that had some curse words.

I miss him every. single. day. How could I forget about this day?

The only thing that makes me feel any better about this is that I have Nathan's voice in my head- so real it's *almost* audible

"Sweetheart, it's ok!"

How?

Well, despite not remembering what tomorrow was, I'd made nearly all day plans this week with a small group of  friends... Tomorrow I'm going to a Batmanathon, culminating in going to see the newest Batman film.

How is watching a bunch of super dark movies reassuring? Well, the thing is that Batman Begins (the first movie that we will be watching tomorrow) was Nathan and my first real date. (It took until our 2nd go-round to have a real date.) I can still remember how he wanted to tell everyone that we were dating and he called Paula on the way to the movie theater to let her know that he was going on a date with his girlfriend.

This Batmanathon wasn't my idea... in fact it came from a kinda unexpected source... well, "unexpected" except in that eerily fitting way that makes you think that it isn't all coincidence.

I've never seen the second movie, because I knew how dark it was. So I thought it was a bit strange how excited/interested I was in doing this. But, you know, if Nathan was here, he'd be working so hard to convince me to do this for our anniversary.

So my plans... they kinda feel a bit like Nathan is trying to suppress a fond chuckle as I cry about what a terrible wife I am.

I can almost feel his hand stroking my hair.

I can almost hear his, "Sweetheart! It's fine! You are being ridiculous."

I really miss being called "Sweetheart."