2 of 30

Time to continue the list. Click here, if you don't know what I'm talking about.


2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

I thought about phoning this one in. I don't like discussing my fears... I don't know that anyone does, so I thought about saying things like "Jello" and "becoming a 'purple person'" - basically just trying to be as funny as possible in the hope that you wouldn't notice that the list calls for "legitimate fears" But if this list is made in the interest of letting you get to know me, then it seems rather counter productive to hide behind my humorous self-defense mechanism. So in the interest of being authentic, and because I signed myself up for this anyway- here goes.

1) That no one really likes me.

So here's a story I've not told very many people... In Jr. High I went on this Christian youth conference thing. I think it was actually in Springfield, funnily enough. It was our youth minister, my aunt (female chaperone), myself, and two other girls from my class at school. These girls weren't super involved in our church, but we got to leave school early on Friday and it was a big gathering of youth, so you know, whatever. These girls and I weren't great friends, but we weren't enemies or anything, just never really hung out. It started out great. The drive up was fun and we seemed to be getting along well. One of the girls mentioned how it must be kinda a bummer that my best friend couldn't come. I agreed, but explained that she didn't have the extra money and had plans this weekend anyway. So these classmates and I hung out the first afternoon and evening and it was fine and dandy. I was even kinda excited, because the girls were turning out to be nicer and more fun than I expected. That night I went to bed but the girls kinda sequestered themselves in the bathroom, so that they could talk and have the lights on. I kinda wasn't invited to the bathroom pow-wow, but it didn't really bother me much... I knew they were a lot closer than I was with them. But the next morning as I was getting ready I went into the bathroom. They had left a notebook in the bathroom, open to a page full of them writing to each other. I didn't mean to read it, but I saw the name of my best friend (first name, last initial, small school, so it's not like there was anyone else with that particular combo. And when I saw her name I saw that there was a place where my name had been written and then crossed out. They had tried to cross it out at least. My name was still easily legible.

And so I read the conversation. I shouldn't have, but I was 12, my name was in it, and it had just been left out on the counter. Honestly, I'm not totally sure I could restrain myself given the same circumstances at 28.

The conversation basically revolved around how annoying I was, and how the girls wished I had a friend there so that I wouldn't hang out with her instead of them. How tired they were of putting up with me, and how they wished I wasn't there.

I didn't say anything about it. I left the bathroom and sat on the bed and collected myself and then went through the rest of the conference on auto-pilot. I gave the girls the space they wished for in the note, hanging out with the adults who had to like me or by myself if it was "just" the youth. If I wasn't independent then I was forcing them to put up with me. So I played it off like I didn't care. I just tamped it down and became a lesser version of myself... because it hurt.

I think this single experience did more to color my interactions with everyone in my school than the sum total of all my other experiences. I can count on one hand the people from my high school experience who I considered to be good friends and even then I still held most of them at arm's length, not trusting that they didn't secretly find me annoying. I saved the truest "me" for my family- my cousins... because I could trust them in a way that I couldn't trust anyone else. My family has to love me. I don't think I even started to recover from the blow to my ego until my sophomore year of college when I met this lovely super-bossy red-head who declared that we were best friends after having a single late-night conversation.

I've mainly recovered. I've forgiven those girls... we were all super young and at that age it's almost impossible to think through your actions in the light of anyone but yourself. For all I know they were bonding over how annoying I was because they were insecure about their own relationship and afraid that the other liked me more than her.  Plus, I'm sure I probably was pretty annoying. I think I would be annoyed by my 12 year old self.

I now assume that if people don't like me they will just avoid me, and I've worked very very very hard to become a person that everyone likes. But I still hate thinking that someone doesn't like me... and one of my biggest fears is still that someone might be secretly annoyed by me and wish that I wasn't there.

2) Usurping authority/ Taking a place meant for someone else/ being an imposition.

It might technically be a subset of fear number 1, but it feels like there is more to it than that. The thing is that I'm quite aware that (to change up some song lyrics) everything I can do, you can do better. So I don't want you to think that I deserve to be in a place of authority over you. I quite likely don't deserve that at all. I also don't want you to think that I'm judging you for your past or your life decisions and finding myself superior. I may not agree with the decisions that you've made, but that doesn't give me the moral high ground. Pretty sure you wouldn't agree with a lot of the decisions I've made in my life, and everyone makes mistakes.

I try to never assume that I am wanted/desired in a position unless specifically asked. I don't volunteer for positions that put me in the public eye or things that everyone wants to do (like the worship team at church) because I'm afraid that either they will say no, or that they will say yes, but wish that I hadn't volunteered and like they have to work around my sub-par-ness. And it doesn't help that I feel like this is (at least in part) a good and Biblical idea (not placing yourself at the head of the table, lest the host ask you to take a lower seat.)  In my case, though, I think I sometimes use it as an excuse to hide.

Generally, I'm afraid of being an unwelcome imposition. I don't want to be a burden that I've forced on someone else. If I'm going to rely on someone and trust them, then I want to know that they have chosen me... and that I can return the favor if ever called upon. "Modesty" and "independence" can be used as self-defense mechanisms, just like everything else.


3) That I will be alone for the rest of my life (especially when I lose loved ones.)

Well, I think it's obvious how this one became a fear. Remember my Strengthsfinder blog? Remember how every single strength was related to people except adaptability, and even that was used to deal with people and became a strength because of a person. Yeah.... Plus, I'm an extrovert.

So it probably goes without saying that I'm not really a fan of alone-ness.

I'll say it anyway. I'm not a fan of alone-ness.

I know I've said this before but I *loved* being married. I loved Nathan, but I loved the whole idea of marriage, as well. And I was pretty good at it, too... though it helped that my partner was so amazing. There were challenges, yeah, but my life was so enriched by the addition of another person. Someone to balance me, someone to challenge me, someone to encourage me, someone to laugh and play and joke with. Someone to help me be the best possible version of myself.

And someone to be there in those moments that are terribly hard. I never knew my dad's dad. He passed away when my Dad was just a few years out of  high school. My Grandma Twila (btw, I'm starting to really like the name Twila.. is that weird?) remarried a man named Glen when I was somewhere around a year old (maybe a bit less?) He and my Grandma were high school sweethearts (awww!) and his wife had also passed away. So the only grandpa I ever knew on my Dad's side was Grandpa Glen. Grandpa Glen and I were never super close, but I loved him. He passed away sometime during Nathan and my first year of marriage. I wasn't devastated but I was very sad... and I think it hit me even harder the next year... when I realized that it had been a year and it wasn't just some long vacation and I wasn't just attending family gatherings at different times so that we "just missed" each other.

And Nathan was there. And he held me. He just stroked my hair and gave me tissues and loved me even though I was crying and looked a right mess. He was the wonderful reassurance of touch and comfort and love.

I think in some way Nathan even helped me grieve for himself as much as he could. From the moment he was admitted to the hospital he was taking care of me- watching me for the signs of me shutting down (meaning I was terrified.) Helping me get through the moments when we had to go to the emergency room right then and I was having a panic attack...

And in the moments when I couldn't take any more- He was still there- holding me, stroking my hair, giving me tissues, and loving me even though I was crying and looked a right mess. Still being that wonderful reassurance of touch and comfort and love for as long as he could.

People don't live forever, and my grandparents (especially my Pappy- Mom's dad) are not in great health. I am super close to my Mom's parents.... a lot closer than I was to my Grandpa Glen... and I'm terrified that I'm not going to have anyone to run to if he passes away. I don't want to be alone. But I really *really* don't want to be without that someone-- that physical reassurance- in the times that are the very hardest.

Fun Fact:
These are fears that I've always had, but Nathan's death actually set me free of some fears that were a lot larger than these. BC (before cancer) my 3 biggest fears were:

1) Death
2) Losing a loved one
3) Public Speaking

1) I used to have panic attacks about my own mortality... Seriously, I would start thinking about the fact that I was going to die someday and have to just pray, "Jesus" over and over and over in my mind until I calmed down and stopped thinking about it. But death doesn't terrify me that way anymore. I don't *want* to die, but I've got someone up there that I'll be so happy to see when it does happen.

2) Tied with fear of my own mortality was the thought of someone I loved dying. But I've looked into that abyss... and I know that while it is just as terrible and hard and miserable as I thought it would be, I also know without a doubt that God can get me through it, and that I have no control over it anyway, so I might as well at least not spend my time with my loved ones in dread of being without them.

3) I know, it's ridiculous that a former speech teacher who acted in so many shows would be terrified of public speaking... but I was.... I used to be so afraid of talking to a group of people as myself. Give me lines and let me be someone else--- well, sure. But make me just get up there and subject myself to the judgement of everyone in that crowd as myself? No, thank you. Now one of my biggest desires is to tell people my story and how blessed I have been.

Oh and the funny things I'm afraid of?

Becoming a 'purple person'
Accidentally drinking spoiled milk
What's behind the closed shower curtain
That my house smells unpleasant
The feeling of biting down on aluminum foil
Large jumpy dogs