Highly Illogical

So a weird thing happened to me the other day.

I went over to Jonny and Katie's house to hang out and play games.

That's not the weird thing-- that's pretty common, actually.

But I walked in and was caught very off guard. Unbeknownst to me, Jonny (and another friend) had shaved their heads.

I saw it and I'm not sure what expression crossed my face.

I know it was shock. It might have been horror.

I think Jonny was the only person to see it, because he was looking at me and I think he's gotten to know me well enough that he can spot my micro-expressions. (If that's the case- Jonny, I'm really sorry.)

I didn't know why, but I hated it... like I hated it *a lot.*

I later asked Kara, "Why would they do that? It doesn't make any sense. Why? Did they do it together? Why did they do that?"

She said that she didn't know but gave me a kinda weird look that I seemed to care so much.

And that's when I figured it out.

I hated their shaved heads because the last time I saw someone suddenly go from hair to a shaved head it was Nathan and it was cancer. I hated Jonny's shaved head so much because I was emotionally processing his hair cut as though it was cancer.

And it didn't matter that it was two people, because people shave their heads in solidarity of friends all the time.

I didn't actually recognize any of this in the moment. It took two days.

I've gotten used to it and I'm ok now, and I feel bad that it was my initial reaction... but it's like the first time I saw an ambulance after Nathan died... You just never know what's going to be a trigger, and apparently I don't even know that I've been triggered until days later when I can't get it out of my head.

The illogical-ness of it all can be so frustrating sometimes.