6 of 30

 30 Things List

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Well... this one is super obvious.

I actually thought for a while about this. I thought about the day Nathan was diagnosed, and the day of his funeral. I thought about the day he woke up not being able to move his legs, and some of the nights where I barely slept because he was hurting so bad and there was nothing I could do but hold his hand as he cried in pain.

But the single hardest thing I ever experienced was being in the room as his heart stopped beating. If you want to read the story, it's in this blog post... I don't really feel the need to write it all out again.

There is this Death Cab for Cutie song called "What Sarah Said"

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say good-bye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the T.V. entertained itself

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes 'round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die.

After he was gone I was in a state of shock. The rest of the day is just flashes of memory... but every memory is of someone loving me. I think Nathan would like that, and I don't think that I've told you enough about everyone's kindness that day.

The sunrise was beautiful.

My parents, Rhonda and Isaac were there, as well as Bill and Paula and Rhonda hugged me so I wouldn't feel so alone... and even the stalwart men-folk cried.

A close friend (but not normally a mushy or even very emotional friend) texted- promising to be there if I needed anything.

A guy I graduated with paid for the entire week's worth of the hotel room, before we had even announced Nathan's death.

Kara drove to St. Louis without telling me because she didn't want to bother me, (and because I think she knew I was completely out of it.) But she got there after we'd already left and then she just drove back to Springfield, and to this day waves it off as if it were nothing.

Linda drove me back to Springfield and didn't expect or need me to talk at all.

Bill and Paula pulled me aside to make sure that I knew that they loved me, and that I have two sets of parents because I'm their daughter, too.

Kara stayed the night with me even though she was getting sick and was pregnant but wasn't telling anyone yet.

Like I said, I don't remember a lot... Shock will do that to you. But what I do remember makes me certain that even the hardest thing I have ever experienced could have been harder.