"It was all so beautiful."

"I love Bartok's music, as did Mr. Teszler, and he had virtually every recording of Bartok's music ever issued. And it was at his house that I heard for the first time Bartok's Third Piano Concerto and learned from Mr. Teszler that it had been composed in nearby Asheville, North Carolina in the last year of the composer's life. He was dying of leukemia and he knew it, and he dedicated this concerto to his wife, Dita, who was herself a concert pianist. And into the slow, second movement, marked 'adagio religioso,' he incorporated the sounds of birdsong that he heard outside his window in what he knew would be his last spring; he was imagining a future for her in which he would play no part. And clearly this composition is his final statement to her -- it was first performed after his death -- and through her to the world. And just as clearly, it is saying, 'It's okay. It was all so beautiful. Whenever you hear this, I will be there.'" - Ben Dunlap

http://www.ted.com/talks/ben_dunlap_talks_about_a_passionate_life.html

Being Fazed

Currently sporting my hair in Pocahontas style braids. This only happened *after* I came home for the night.

So last weekend during the drunken-ness, this guy kept asking Bailey if she knew how gorgeous she is.

And don't get me wrong-- she is, in fact, gorgeous. Then a little later he started complimenting a different girl on her looks.

There were three girls on the porch. He never said a word to me.

In fact, once when Bailey tried to steer him into complimenting me and he was obviously and awkwardly trying to come up with something to say I said, "Nah, it's ok. It's pretty clear he's not attracted to me."

Then I got the pity comment from one of the other guys, "No, it's just that he's so attracted to you that he can't even talk about it."

*sigh*

I'd like to say that I was unfazed.

I'd like to say that I haven't thought about it, since.

But the truth of the matter is I'm writing a blog about it. The truth of the matter is that it totally stung.

It probably makes me unenlightened, but a man's opinion of my looks matters to me.

Even when I know it shouldn't. Even when I barely know him. Even when I'm not attracted to him. 

I try to pretend like it doesn't get to me, because I know that so much of beauty is based on your self-confidence, but it's all an affectation.

I look at pictures of myself and wish that I could lose weight.... and wish that I didn't hate my profile... and wish that I was taller and less sturdily built.

And I know that almost every girl does the same thing.

I hate beauty sometimes.

Cause the truth is I actually think I have a lot of really good qualities going for me. But I forget all about them in a heartbeat, because one guy didn't drunkenly hit on me and it reminded me of how I'm never the girl who gets hit on.

And I've heard all the "It get's old" and "It's not all it's cracked up to be" lines before. And I totally believe it. I'm a pretty smart chick, I can easily see how it would get old/annoying.

Doesn't mean the opposite's not true, too.

And I guess that's the last reason why I hate it. Because I am smart and I know I should be above/beyond/past all that kind of shallow/ petty vapid-ness. Yet here I sit, wishing some drunk dude thought I was hot.

I'd say I should give up trying to be beautiful but I don't have the guts. I barely have the courage to wear my glasses in public.

Walking in Beauty

Yesterday's word was destitute...  Here's the problem with that. Someone guessed it... well, maybe 2 someones... but the first guesser came up as anonymous.... so, I have no clue and no means of verifying who you are. So if you want to remain anonymous I think you should e-mail me and let me know who you are... if not-- comment and tell me! This is especially confusing because the people who most often guess did guess- under their own names.... *confused*

Also I'm pondering a retro-active rule change... in that if someone guesses they get 1 point... and if they get it right they get 2 points and if they are the first to get it right they get 3... what do you guys think? I'll be blown out of the point-water pretty fast with this method, but it will be less discouraging for those who guess and guess and keep getting it wrong. *coughRhondacough*

Anyway, moving on.

I took a nap this evening, and I dreamt of several things... One of them strangely enough was my favorite poem. Then I searched my blog and realized I've blogged about a lot of poems, but never my favorite one.

My favorite poem is She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron.

It has been since my senior year in high school, when we had to memorize and recite a poem for College Prep English. I choose this one, because I read it once and immediately fell in love with it. I still know it by heart.

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

 
Like all of my favorite things, I want this poem to be about me... I may live my life so as to try and be as much like this poem as I possibly can. One interesting aspect, which might not be true but makes me like the poem all the more, is that it's said Byron wrote it about a cousin who was in mourning.

I've been in mourning before! See, this poem is totally about me. *nods decisively*

I can't decide if it's nature or nuture that makes girls/women want to be thought beautiful, but it seems to come from somewhere deep deep inside. And I think it's rather interesting that yes, I want to *be* beautiful, but the thing that is more important to me is that I'm *thought to be* beautiful. I've mentioned several times that Nathan telling me I'm beautiful is one of the things I miss the most... and it's also one of the things that has most strongly affected my life/self-esteem.

Men/ boys don't seem to have this same desire/need/longing. Yes, they want to be thought attractive... but they also seem to be a lot more confident that they just are attractive... or that it doesn't matter. Or am I wrong? Do men want to be handsome just as much as women?

See, even writing that, the thought seems ridiculous.

How silly is it that I want to be thought highly of in a context that I have so little control over? I mean I can control how much makeup I wear, but studies show that men actually normally prefer women with less makeup/makeup that looks natural. I can control the color and style of my hair (and boy, howdy, do I!) I can control what I wear and choose the best styles for my body type, and I can control my weight, to some extent. But I've been thinking lately that people don't normally look at your body that closely I mean, I think of all the people I see in a day and I look at their faces and generally have an idea of their body, but I don't pay that much attention.... though that might just be because I'm a girl? Not sure on that one.

Anyway, (barring expensive and painful surgery) I can't control the shape of my face, or it's symmetry, or the color of my eyes, or the height of my cheekbones. I can't control the upturn of my nose or the size of my lips or any of their placement.

And yet it matters to me that other people find them pleasing.  But then I wonder... is it just that? Is that really all I want? To be thought physically attractive?

And it's not... not really. It's *part* of it, but what I want is so hard to pin down and so hard to find/ know. Because what I want is what Lord Byron is saying in that poem. I want a beauty that is internal but somehow expresses itself in my face and body. I want to be such a beautiful person that somehow people can see that just by looking at me.

I want to be so beautiful that men are driven to write poetry about me. I want to be so beautiful that people like me without quite understanding why. I want to be so beautiful that people still like me after they get to know me. I want to be so beautiful that the more a person gets to know me the more they like me and the more beautiful they find me and on and on until the people who know me the best are also the ones who totally adore me and think I am the most beautiful creature to grace the Earth.

Why is it that I'd only ever want to be called a creature when beautiful is before it? I think it's because when you are called a creature it sounds as though you are less than human, but when you are called a beautiful creature it's as though you are transcending humanity. Your beauty takes you to a level higher than human.

Yes, it's all a very attainable and easy goal.

How does one become a mentee of both Audry Hepburn and Mother Theresa?

Mentee? That's a weird word. But it is a word- I just looked it up, to be sure. Apparently we just pulled that word from mentor... but that suggests all sorts of weird words using that same rule. Like the audience is really of bunch of actees... and if you ever hire a contractor you will be a contractee. Melissa sees not patients, but counselees, and people who are fooled by charlatans are impostees.

It's prediculous!

Plus, it looks like manatee... I don't wanna be no stinking manatee!

I'd like to rephrase my previous sentence:

How does one become a mentee protege of both Audry Hepburn and Mother Theresa?

Yeah, I could have just gone back and edited the original sentence, but then you would have missed my little rant and I found it kinda funny, so I thought you might enjoy it.

What Makes You Beautiful?

So there is this song that's kinda popular

It's called "What Makes You Beautiful"

It's likely you've heard it if you've turned the radio station to a pop/top 40 station in the past few months.

It's by One Direction- a British boy band... which if you ask me, being British is like the holy grail of boy bands. And then they go and record a song that every teenage girl (and some not-teenage girls) in the world has to love because it's talking about how this girl has just stolen away these boys' hearts and she doesn't even know she's beautiful.  Nooooo, I can't imagine why they are so insanely popular...

It's just a wonderful thing to think. "Some boy with a delightfully English name like (Zayn or Liam or Harry) and a lovely accent is totally in love with me and I don't even know I'm beautiful." It's quite possible that it's every girl's dream... to have a boy tell us we are beautiful when we don't think we are.

And the current pop song isn't the first time it's been sung about. I grew up on a country song called "She Don't Know She's Beautiful."  I think I made Nathan listen to the song once and then said, "I think that has shaped my idea of feminine beauty more than anything else. I want to be that girl."

But this ideal... of this modest yet stunning girl is one of those strange standards our culture has come up with that is completely unattainable. Over and over we are told that confidence is attractive in a woman. And then One Direction comes along and tell us that what makes a girl beautiful is that she doesn't know she's beautiful.  Wait.... what? How am I supposed to be confident and shy at the same time??

And *why* are you telling me I'm beautiful if the thing that makes me beautiful is that I don't know?! Now that I'm aware, am I ugly?

Both the One Direction song and the Sammy Kershaw song reference entire rooms of people stopping and staring as soon as the girl walks into a room.

Oh heck yes, we all (girls) want that to happen... but room-stopping-looks... that doesn't happen to a normal girl without some work. (which means they know they look good) .. and the girls it does happen to naturally generally know they are beautiful... and are trying to get model contracts.

Recently someone was asking me if a book screwed up my view on what relationships are supposed to look like... and I said no... but I think songs may have screwed up my idea of what a beautiful woman should be.

Aka, I don't have any ideals that I will force on you, but man do I have a laundry list of things that I should be.

Knowing or not knowing you are beautiful isn't what makes a girl beautiful.

Strength of character,
strength of will,
compassion,
kindness,
optimism,
a sense of humor,
intelligence
good genes (and good jeans!)

That's what makes you beautiful.

Complimentary

I said I might not blog, but that was before the day I had.

It was a great day. I got compliments like they were going out of style and everyone bought them on the cheap.

Today I was asked at two different times and by two different people if I had hair extensions, because my hair "looks so good it looks fake."

One lady just kept bringing it up, saying that she couldn't get over it.

And several others complimented it with a range from "magical" to "perfect."

... or should those be reversed?

I was also told that I have an amazing voice that a person could listen to all day,

That I remind someone of Zooey Deschanel,

That I'm a Disney Princess.

And that I look tan. (I take that last one as a compliment because I spray tanned today, and while I don't love that I now smell of spray tan, I love that I got some color without UV rays.)

Granted, these were almost all from girls. I think one boy might have mentioned that I looked tan.

Melissa's family might be the most complimentary bunch I've ever met.

In other news, my head grew three sizes today and can now double as a hot air balloon if necessary.

I have two side

I saw on some tv talk show today that they have a laser treatment that erases cellulite. (Not the fat, but the whole dimpling ripply skin yuckiness)

It's expensive but in the two years since they've started doing it no one has had the cellulite come back. Of course, no one knows any of the long term health effects from it either, but they seem to be minimal. Apparently the laser cuts the collagen that is pulling the skin down for the dimples and then melts the fat cells so they smooth out underneath the skin. There is bruising and swelling for a few weeks and you should take the day after off work, but that's basically it. How weird is that!?!

Lasers are amazing.

But we may have already known that.

OK we did. If Star Wars and Star Trek have taught us nothing else, they've taught us that lasers are awesome.

Come on. Light sabers and phasers?? Those are *so* lasers! If you put them on their lowest setting they'd probably get rid of your cellulite, too.

The other day I mentioned to a friend that when I'm working I get up and out of the house in 30 minutes (or less) and he was surprised cause I "seem like the type of girl who would have to get up at 5 AM to be somewhere at 7AM."

First, I try to avoid having to be anywhere at 7AM... that's just unhealthy. :)

Actually, it was a rather nice compliment, though I don't think he was thinking of it that way necessarily...

It would be easy to construe the comment as "You seem really high-maintenance." But Nathan always assured me that I might well be "the least high-maintenance girl ever."

So here's how I'm choosing to interpret the comment: "You are an hour and a half prettier than most girls."

I think this is a hilarious idea. I'd like to measure beauty by time.

"Sunday mornings I look one-hour while most days I just try for a fifteen-minutes."

"I have this bag since Russia." ***

Ok, I might be a little high-maintenance.  Nathan was admittedly biased.

For instance, I'm not into camping. I happen to really like electricity and mattresses and indoor plumbing.

But an air mattress on the back deck? Totally. I'd love that.

Oooooh, or this. I'd go camping if it were like this:

***Oh My Goodness!!! So, a long time ago in college someone found this website for a guy who called himself "Ill Mitch" and so many jokes rose up from this website, most notedly Kara and I telling each other, "I have this bag since Russia." It was a caption on one of his pictures that we loved because (as you may be aware) Russia isn't a time. We still say this to each other from time to time. Well, I just looked him up and it's all still there... Go here, and feast your eyes on the glory of Ill Mitch. Also take a moment to listen to his most glorious of raps, "Fast and Danger"

If you can listen to the whole thing I'll be mondo impressed, but you should at least try to make it to the first "chorus."

"I have two side. One happy. One anger. You can ask a stranger. My board is fast and danger."

I'm almost sure he isn't for real... but I will say this. I think Ill Mitch and Debbie the E-Harmony Cat Girl might be soulmates.

Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Movin!

I'm excited. I got a call today, that I'm approved for a townhouse. I will be moving from mid-late March.

Here are some pictures of what my townhouse will look like:

Yes! I will have a garage! I've never had a garage that I can park my car in before! In my whole life!

Honestly, the first time I wrote the sentence I wrote, "I will have a guitar!" 

I won't have a guitar... I can't play the guitar. I think a garage is more exciting.

There you see the door through which I will enter from the garage.... and the door that everyone else will enter through... oh and also a gas fireplace. oooooh

I'm excited about a garage because it can hold my car... and also if I get super ambitious and decide to build/stain/paint anything I will have a space to do it in.

Here is a view from by the stairs...

Here is a closer view of the kitchen... gotta get me some bar stools.

And the actual kitchen, itself. While I'm not overly enthusiastic about the stain of wood, I am excited that you can *see* the wood. I heart wood grain.

There aren't any pictures of upstairs for me to show you... but there is a ridiculous 2 and 1/2 bathrooms... (quite the upgrade from my current one) lots more storage than I currently have, and in a better part of town... all for not *that* much more than I was paying before.

I'm really excited about stairs. I may take that back in a few months... or when I move in... but I feel like it's a good way to be more active, and I don't have to carry groceries up steps... I do have to tote laundry up and down, but I did it growing up, so hopefully it comes back to me... else my kitchen might become my closet, too.

Also I bought new nail polish today. Check it, yo!

Both the brown and the glitter are new... please forgive my sloppy cuticles, this was before I cleaned them up.

And I've decided that Seche Vite is the most amazing top coat in the world... not that you care. :)

In other news I really want to watch a chick flick.... but a really good chick flick.... like a Pretty Woman level-of-epic chick flick... but one that I've not seen before... I don't know that this is possible.

Look anew

Ok, so you might think I'm crazy for this, but just go with it. The next time you are in the sun.. or if you just happen to have a sunbeam handy, now- take a half full bottle of water and look at it in the sun. Shake it gently. Watch the light in the water sparkle and dance.

We live in a world so chock-full of beauty and very often we don't see it just because we've seen it so many times before.

My e-mail address is lookanew... it's a reminder to myself. Look anew. There's something more to see. There is still wonder left in this world, even while doing something as mundane as taking a drink.

Nervous

I bought pink pens just because I like them better than red for marking on people's manuscripts... and cause they are breast cancer research pens... I figure if they end breast cancer they can get to work and put all those resources to some other form of cancer so it is all good.

Dang it, I really felt like I had something to say tonight and I got distracted by e-mails and writing group and now I don't know what it was...

I want some lasagna. Anyone else? I'll make it as long as you don't expect cottage cheese in your lasagna. Cottage Cheese lasagna grosses me out.

Pretty sure whatever it was, it was a little deeper than my desire for lasagna.

The Wednesday before T-giving is the last of the weekly game nights, unless one of my pals decides to start hosting... and we don't have that many people who have enough space to do so. Yes, I am sad about this, though I totally understand why Jonny and Katie need to stop having it... Baby is coming and all that.

Had a thought tonight that shocked the bejeepers out of me.

I've discussed the whole God thinks I'm beautiful thing... I got another of those "messages" tonight, though this one was less overt. (Aka someone didn't just walk up to me and say, "You are really pretty" or "God thinks you are beautiful") But after the warm fuzzies that inevitably accompany feeling like God wants to tell you you are beautiful, I had a realization.

I could make someone nervous.

OK, yeah maybe that sounds like a really obvious thing, but I've never thought it before. *I'm* the one who is nervous, normally. So the idea that someone else could be nervous because of me...  it's totally foreign to me. Nathan wasn't nervous with me... You know I don't know if Nathan was ever nervous, period, but he certainly wasn't with me. I was nervous with him. And I've just never thought of myself as very intimidating. I give bad first impressions, remember? And the idea that someone could find me even slightly intimidating... or want to make a good impression on me enough that they could get nervous.... it's like I've suddenly realized that maybe they *are* just as scared of me as I am of them!

If anyone ever tells me that I make them nervous I might give them a hug right then and there.

Maybe I'll be a famous author someday and then scads of people will be nervous to meet me... what a strange thought.

Thoughts

I need to write for my class, but I don't have much motivation. I think I just need to sit down and go, and who cares if it doesn't make sense...figuring out a plot is just so daunting.

I have to be up early tomorrow to take in my car. Then I'll be rollin' in a rental. But at least my car will be getting fixed and I won't have to be sad every time I have to open my door.

At church today someone said I had "a Snow White thing going on." Now accepting Prince Charming applications.

Then I was talking to a friend at church and a girl who was standing nearby and I've never spoken to before says outta nowhere, "You're very pretty." I looked at her with surprise and said thank you. And then she said, "I have no idea where that came from, but..." And my friend said, "Well, it never hurts to hear!" and I said, "It's true, I'm not sad you said it."

Kinda felt like a follow-up from the conference last week when someone told me that God wanted me to know I'm beautiful, inside and out. Even if it wasn't, it felt good.

I've decided that I'm attracted to talent in the arts. If I think a guy is talented then my interest-meter shoots up... and if he can express himself in writing. Be still my heart. So perhaps I'd better off accepting Scribe Charming applications?

Today I rocked out tights with boots... I think I need to go shopping or find some skirt patterns because I am really digging the tights lately, only I don't have enough skirts to wear with them.... and I also need some closed toe heels. I might start classing it up to go to the office. I mean it's wonderful that I can wear jeans every day to work and it doesn't matter... but I don't have enough places to go and I have all these fun clothes to wear...

I engage in a lot more retail therapy without Nathan here to tell me no.

Cold sores= the suck. Abreeva= the awesome.

You know what I want? I want to hear someone's story. I want to hear about someone's family traditions. I want to hear about crazy things they did as a child. I want to get to know someone. I want to be immersed in someone else's culture with all the ways it's different from mine, and yet somehow eerily similar. Maybe I want to be in a show... or maybe I want to write a show... or at least a one-act/reader's theatre.

Good day

A good day.

I love my family. I love that I can laugh so hard with them, even when it's over something so silly-stupid that there is no way I can even explain the story to anyone else. Let's just say it started with a piece of celery that looked like a man and before we knew it we had a Celery Man astride a horse constructed of toothpicks, more celery and other vegetables, and wild imaginations. Plus with the Miller clan it's a lot easier to forget that a person is missing. My person.

Apparently adding sweetened condensed milk to any iced drink puts it pretty close to the nectar of the gods. I keep seeing recipes for iced tea and iced coffee with sweetened condensed milk and I want to try... but don't want to have a whole can of sweetened condensed milk just sitting around, afterwards.

Weather men are big big nerds. I know this because it's my parent's default channel so I see a lot of the Weather Channel when I'm at home and they (the weather men, not my parents) get all excited about things like "Saharan Air" and suspended African dust.

And on a complete and utter topic change, check out this website: Operation Beautiful. I really like the idea behind this website. That total strangers leave behind post-it's for other women to find. There is a lot to like about an idea like that. Now we just need to get the boys on the train, too. Boys leaving random you are beautiful post-its... best idea ever? Or at least ranking up there with sliced bread??

Wanting to be technicolor...

Things I'm good at:
Focusing on projects until I meet my self imposed deadlines.
Staying up late
Taking Naps
Making Lists
Researching things on the internet so that when I go into a store I know exactly what I want.
Blogging in bed

Things I'm not good at:
Getting everything on my list done
Sleeping enough the night before I drive for 5.5-6 hours
Packing earlier than the day I am leaving (I used to be good at this, but now I am an abysmal failure.)
Only packing enough clothes/supplies for the days that I will be gone. (I'm currently at about 3 times as many shirts as I actually need.)
Responding to e-mails that I first read on my phone. (It's the one smart phone technology fail, in my opinion.)
Actually leaving town at the time I thought I would 2 days prior to leaving

I have an inspiration for a blog post, but the events of the days keep getting in the way of my inspiration... I have too many thoughts on what transpired to actually write my preconceived idea. Maybe tomorrow, since a good portion of the day will be spent driving down the road. Surely the road can't be that interesting, right?

Started to watch "Anne of Green Gables: the Sequel" the other day, and at one point Anne is talking about Gilbert with Marilla and asking why he has to act the way he does and Marilla says it's because he loves Anne. Then this exchange happens:

ANNE: He loves me? I can't know why.

MARILLA: Because you made Josie Pye and Ruby Gillis and all of those wishy-washy young ladies who waltzed by him look like spineless nothings.

I love that. It's the type of girl/person I aspire to be... the type that makes all those other girls look wishy-washy and like spineless nothings. I want to be technicolor in a world of grayscale. Honestly, I just want to be special. That's all I've ever really wanted to be.

Roads

I realized that my picture posts sometimes preclude any deep/semi-deep/personal thoughts, cause I just get caught up in explaining them, so today I'm going to refrain from the niece-and-nephew-palooza (even though we all had a lovely time today- Love you more, Da!) and just show you some pictures of where I grew up.

I don't think I can live at "home," again. I'm too happy with being close to grocery stores and restaurants and movie theatres. I love Springtown and my church family and having people close to my age around. But there are a few things that I love about Northeastern MO... and one of them is how beautiful it is.

 Seriously, idyllic doesn't begin to cut it.

 There at the end of the driveway is where I used to wait for the bus. Every morning- for many years.

 And this is the view from that vantage point... "The road goes ever, ever on..."

It may sound weird but this is one instance where I vastly prefer the Rankin-Bass animated Hobbit/LotR movies. That song was much better for me as the folk-sy song as heard below- Though I really remember it to the beat of the sadder version with different lyrics that is on the right. Either way I prefer this song.

Anyway, as I was saying...

 There is an old barn out behind our house... It's pretty well falling to pieces, but it's really pretty, too, in it's sad, forlorn way. There is probably a parallel to be drawn somewhere from that old barn... either to the loss of the farming way of life, or to the aging dependability of "home." That barn is kinda like the giving tree.

There really isn't a bad view all around my house. It's rather nestled into scenery.

 And that scenery includes cows. You see, not all land is good for planting crops... (Aka all the hilly, beautiful stuff) but that just means you throw some cows onto it- and then they calve, and then: idyllic.

And this my friends is probably why I tend to dislike "country" style interior decorating... Because I grew up in it... only it wasn't on the interior, and to see it anywhere but the outdoors makes it feel fake... or dirty.

Of course it's also the reason I have a bent towards nature designs and a love of western shirts with pearl button snaps that defies all logic...

Rhonda and the kiddos went home so that they could be at their church to help out with sound tonight and tomorrow, so tonight has been much quieter than the past few nights have been and it makes me reminisce. I've lived in the same house all my life. I was brought home from the hospital here and we never left. Coming home always makes me feel much taller for a few days, because I remember it from a shorter vantage point for so many of my memories... But it also brings back old feelings... especially from Jr. High and High School. Growing up in the country (especially this far out in the country) is very very different from growing up in a big town- or even just "town." It's beautiful, and it makes you pretty comfortable with silence, but it's also lonely. I have a tendency to believe there are fewer people in this world than there actually are. (One, because people in my life have a tendency of popping up somewhere in my past or at the same time in multiple ways.) But also because I'm at the place I will always call home, and I could walk outside right now and see every star up in the sky... and probably be the only person outside for miles and miles and miles. That tends to make you feel like we are pretty alone in the universe. I know there are those of you who think this sounds like a little piece of paradise on Earth, but I guess it just proves that I'm an extrovert, because it makes me sad... and wistful... and melancholy.

I think that's the worst thing about cancer... and death.. It's ability to make you feel so keenly alone, even when surrounded by people who want to be there for you and who love you.

Or mayhaps I just feel this way, because I listened to "Road Goes Ever On and On" too many times.

Hard to say. Oh yes, hard to say.