Yesterday as I was driving home I passed a bright blue car... a Sentra I think. It had at least three guys in it... possibly 4. I'm not sure how old they were but I'm going to say college age... in part because they turned off at Columbia and in part because it makes me feel good. (My 25 year old cousin told me this weekend that I look 23, so I'm holding on to that.... and never taking up smoking cause I hear that ages you.)
Anyway I passed this car o' guys because I was going (slightly) over the speed limit and they were going slightly under the speed limit. As I passed I glanced over and they all seemed relatively sedate. Then I got into the right lane in front of them and I saw a lot of animated conversation in my rear view window. I don't know if they liked my car, the driver just was looking for someone to pace, or the guy in the back seat suddenly declared his undying devotion for "that girl" and he made the driver stalk me, but I suddenly had driving buddies.
I was somewhere outside of Macon and for the next hour or so the boys followed me down the highway... never passing me but never dropping too far behind (as normally happens when you pass someone on the highway.) At one point the speed limit randomly changed from 65 to 70, and I responded accordingly and got rather far ahead of them (as I'm guessing they missed the increase.) I thought that would be the end of it, but 5 minutes later they were back in my rear-view window. Whoever I passed, they passed, and if a car ever got between us it didn't last for long. I was enjoying it, mainly because I was making up stories about how one of the boys was madly in love with me.
Then we got to Columbia and they exited (though I choose to believe the reason why they had their turn signal on so much earlier than necessary was to let me know they were exiting, in case I wanted to join them.) After they were already on the exit ramp and couldn't see me, I waved.
And then I thought to myself.- Why did I wait so long to wave? What could it have possibly have hurt to wave before they exited? Or even somewhere during the hour that they tailed me?
What could they have thought if I waved? That I thought they were cute? That I was madly in love with one of them? Would they have made fun of me? Would they have passed me or dropped back?
What would it have mattered? Where is the harm in any of those situations? And yet, it's what I did.
I think it was the 5th grade when I sat next to a boy named Rich** He was a pretty cute kid and just as importantly he liked to talk to me and make me laugh. I wasn't in 5th-grade-love with him, but I did like him. Rich used to number my paper for math quizzes. This didn't seem strange or odd to me... I just thought he was a really nice/funny guy who was fast at numbering.
One day in the cafeteria I sat catty-corner from Dustin, Rich's best friend. Just as it was time to stand up and take our trays to the front, Dustin said to me, "Hey, Renee, you like Rich, don't you?"
I was completely stunned and 5th-grade-horrified. I did- but I could only see one reason for this boy to ask me that question-- to make fun of me if I said yes. How mortifying to let someone know that you liked them and for them to mock you for it! I stammered for a second and then said, "No!"
I caught up with the line, turned in my tray, and then as I passed Dustin in line, I asked, "Why?"
He said, "No reason" and waved me off. I believed I'd figured out the plan and went back to the classroom relieved to have dodged a mocking bullet.
(Yes, I know, my memory is *ridiculous.*)
Looking back it's easy to assume that Rich was in 5th-grade-love with me and had sent his best friend as the human version of "Will you be my girlfriend, check yes or no". I could be wrong, and Dustin could have actually been setting me up to make fun of me. I'll probably never know for sure because I can't imagine how this would come up in conversation with someone I haven't seen in 10 years. But sometimes I wonder if I would have changed the course of my jr. high and high school existence if I'd answered honestly.. if I hadn't been so afraid.
The problem is that a lot of times I'm still looking at the world through my 5th grade glasses. I'm so afraid of being made fun of that I don't take any risks. But when the other side of the coin is that I could make someone's day- What is the problem? That's what I thought driving down the highway, after leaving Columbia. What is so wrong about making someone think I'm interested in them? If I'm not or they aren't they will still probably feel good about it, and if I like them and they feel the same, then they might not be too intimidated to do something about it.
I went to the Aviary last night with friends. We were asked to call our waiter Tiger, by the host, though it wasn't his real name. Tiger was totally cute. I made myself maintain eye contact with him when he came to our table, instead of my usual look up briefly and then bury my glance in the menu. I think he found it disconcerting, but I doubt he was upset by it. One small step.
Then when it was time for the check he said, "How do you want me to split this? The two of you. The two of you... And you're all alo-... uh... right."
Oh God love ya, Tiger. Thank you for pointing out my single status on a holiday. I wanted to be reminded that I'm a widow on New Years. It's a good thing you are so dang cute. At least he tried to save it, right?
Still- if that's the worst that can happen? I think I'll be ok. If I can actually do it. Talk is a lot easier than action.
** All names have been altered to protect 5th grade sensibilities.
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