It's pretty obvious that I've been thinking about how I've changed since Nathan's diagnosis and death lately.
Well, today I had lots of introspective time as I baked 4 million cookies.
OK, ok I admit- it wasn't 4 million.
But it was over 200!
And as I was introspecting, a few things came up in my mind in regards to my conversation at Target yesterday.
The first was how very much I've changed since college in regards to my self-confidence and trust in others to be decent people. There was a time when I never would have struck up a conversation with that guy. (Yes, it took me a bit to actually say something, but the point is that I did.) And the thing is I wouldn't have spoken to him back in the day, because I would have assumed that I had nothing to offer him. How I interact with people is so wrapped up in how I can help them- what I can do. And in college I would have assumed that he didn't need more friends- he seemed popular and I likely thought that if I ever tried to have a conversation with him, he would have just thought I was annoying. (Honestly I'm not sure that with this guy in particular I ever had an opportunity to interact, but now he's become a metaphor for all the people in my life that I didn't try to befriend because I was scared.)
Oh, I was so insecure! So much of my life has been dictated by choosing to be out of the group so that I wouldn't appear to be hurt if I wasn't accepted in the group. So much of my life has been dictated by making sure that it looked like I wasn't hurt by anything.
And I really did think that most people would just be annoyed with me unless they initiated a conversation/friendship. I think I can probably trace this belief back to a very specific happening in Jr. High... but kids are crappy in Jr. High, and I shouldn't have still been living my life in so much fear 5-6 years later.
Cause you know what? I talked to him yesterday and he was super nice. He seemed happy to be talking to me. I even started to walk away and he called me back with a question. These aren't the actions of someone who is annoyed. And he was working so he might have even had a reasonable excuse as to why he didn't want to just stand around talking to some random girl.
And that's another thing. Striking up one conversation doesn't make me seem like I'm desperate for friends or a psycho or anything... It just means I'm friendly... Do you know how long it's taken me to fully accept this realization?
And I think, what has really made the difference between me-then and me-now is that if he had thought I was annoying (or any other negative descriptors)- I wouldn't then think that meant it was true. I have a lot more intrinsic value than can be seen by a complete stranger in one conversation. I actually think I'm pretty great, and I have enough other people who agree that I don't *need* the entire rest of the world to think so as well.
Don't get me wrong, I still *want* them to. ;)
The other thing the conversation made me think of is in regards to ambition.
The guy was talking about how, in Theatre, there is so much "making sure your name is still out there."
And my response was, "Yeah, that's actually why I went into the education side. I never had the ambition for it all."
And that's still true... but it's strangely different than it used to be.
Way back in the day the title of this blog was "minus ambition." Still, the web address is http://minusambition.blogspot.com ... my first post was regarding why my blog/myself was "minus ambition." And I think most of the things on that first post are still true... but I also say on a regular basis now that I want to be a published author.
That's a big ambition! So how do I justify the difference?
Well, I think two ways... the first is that the heart of what I said is still true. All I really want is to be happy. When it all comes down to it, I want to be happy more than anything else.
The second is that, while I still think I would be happy with a small life in which I really only make a difference to my family, I'm not sure that's what's in the cards. Ever since Nathan's diagnosis I've been dealing over and over with the fact that my plans are not necessarily the same ones that God has for me... I think that God's plans for me might be a little bigger than my own were. (Sidenote, if it's true, I think it's a little funny that God has to push me to live a life that's bigger. Seems like the reverse would be much more common.)
Now, I don't know if I'm right, but here's the great thing- If it's not my plan, then I don't have to be in charge. I just have to keep doing what I think I should and maybe some day I will be published and I'll be blogging about how they are going to be turning my book into a movie (That's my highest dream.) And if I'm writing a book that will never be published and I end up living my sweet simple life after all?
Well, I still can't really see how that's a bad thing.
Isn't it funny the things you can ponder between Target and 4 million cookies?
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