Magic Hour

I write this in that magical hour. The magical hour between 1AM and 2AM on daylight savings time evening. This hour is going to repeat itself. Did you know? At 2 AM it will be 1AM again. So what am I doing with my magical witching hour? Blogging and watching Dawson's Creek. Yeah. I'm partying like it's 1999 up in here. Literally.

You know why all the boys love Joey Potter? It's because when she grins she pulls down the outside corners of her mouth, so it looks like she's never grinned so hard in her life. And they made her grin like that.

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round.
Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad
Oh bows and arrows
Stars and sunsets
Every heartbeat every kiss just
Makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armor
Hearts and arrows

That's what they replaced Paula Cole's "I don't wanna wait" song with. Did they do that for the seasons when they were actually airing (starting season 3) or did they just do that for the DVD release? I cannot say, for I do not know.

I think I do announcements tomorrow at church, but I don't remember.

Let's just say I do, because the leader of announcements is in Memphis, TN -not the beautiful Memphis MO, home to one, Renée Dunn.

Can I even write a novel? I mean, novels are long... the longest thing I've ever written was like 20 pages... and yeah my story idea is a bit complex, but... a novel?

Maybe this hour isn't quite so magical as I thought... maybe I should just go get some sleep and feel more chipper in the morning.

Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad...

But I got nowhere else to go

(that last one was a movie quote... didja catch it?)

Less blogging?

I'm thinking about blogging less. I'm not going to stop by any means, but I was thinking today about how I'm kinda trying to start this book thing... and how much I write in a normal day anyway just for my blog and how wouldn't it be a good idea to channel my blogging discipline into some book writing discipline... I haven't actually made any decisions about anything and I know some people would be sad... but...it's a thought I had and I pretty well share every thought that pops into my head on here, don't I?

Ok, no I don't.

But I share a lot of them!!

I've recently discovered an enjoyment of banana peppers on sandwiches.

I was also recently told that every 4-5 years you get new tastebuds that like different things...

This might be why I suddenly started liking mustard  in college and more recently, mayo and disliking Miracle Whip for everything but tuna salad.

It might also explain my sudden love of lemon bars.

It won't explain my impulse purchasing of 8 small jars of fruit butter, but some mysteries are better left unanswered and just enjoyed... on biscuits.

Guess what came in the post today!

Guess who likes the phrase "in the post," today!

Maybe I won't stop blogging. I don't know how I could give up my outlet for the discussion of tastebud regeneration and fun phrase usage.

A list of thoughts that does not number 13

1) I'm thrilled because my teefury t-shirt came in the mail today and it looks great! ...I want to wear it tomorrow but I'm a bit afraid to, because what if I don't leave my house all day and no one sees it!?!

2) I'm thinking I might make a roast tomorrow... It's not like I'm gonna be doing anything but writing all day long and I got a lot of roast in my freezer... Wanna come over for meat and carbs???

3) I posed this philosophical question to a friend today but I think I should query the larger world, too...
The Starbucks guy: Which came first- my coffee or his cuteness?

4) I listened to my new Michael Bublé Christmas Album just to hear it. Now I will refrain until after Thanksgiving but I had to give in just once. Least annoying version of "Feliz Navidad" I've ever heard.

5) Did I tell you I ordered a whole bunch of fruit butters? Well I did. I plan on having a "Better Buttered Biscuits" party with my friends. Here are the flavors I ordered: Plum, Plum no sugar (sweetened w/ white grape juice), Pumpkin, Pumpkin no sugar (sweetened w/ white grape juice), Sweet Tomato, Peach, Strawberry, and Apple.

6) I'm quirky.

7) We went over my play in class today.... and it was weird. Someone wanted to keep reading and the teacher offered to let us....but I really wanted the discussion... but then the discussion was a bit of a dud. People didn't really say much about it. I mean it was generally positive, but they didn't really say a lot... I wonder if it was because it was so heavy they didn't know what to say. It's hard to critique a piece on grief and not feel like a jerk. I kinda wish I could ask questions about my work and people's reactions and have them answered... maybe that's what the writing group is for?

7.5) I'm really excited to have a writing group. Makes me feel legit.

8) Also it's weird to hear someone else read your work out loud, cause they never seem to understand the emphasis as you intended it.

9) Cleaning my desk/office didn't take very long at all. I was expecting it to be this big deal and it was a bit of a dud.

10) They have the red cups at Starbucks again.

11) My cup says, "When we're together I know I'll never fall." Starbucks might just be a hopeless romantic. No wonder I love it.

12) I nearly forgot I had jury duty. I want to call and have my group canceled. That would be great.

Procrastiblogging

The good news is I've found a writing group of people who are super talented and really smart. I think they will be able to give me solid critiques and feedback and point me in the right direction when I get lost or stuck and I respect them.

The bad news is: they are both a lot farther ahead of me in terms of actually getting a book on paper... or screen as the case may be.

Guess I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

But first... I have to clean up this office... and I think I need Starbucks.Venti.

Hi, My name is Renée and I make procrastination an art form... even when I *like* what I'm doing.

Autumn and death

So Autumn is here... It's cold and blustery out tonight... and my thoughts are not taking me to a happy place.

Tuesday I was walking to class and went around the side of a building (not on campus) and there laying in the grass was a cat... which I assume was dead, as it didn't move. I don't technically know because as soon as I saw it and my brain processed it I threw my hand up to keep from seeing it. It really disturbed me.

The other night I went to a costume party and someone was zombie Steve Jobs... dressed up exactly like Steve but with zombie makeup, too. I just cringed... too soon.

There is a play written by a person in my class where someone is joking around about tumors and people having brain tumors. And it's just not funny. Maybe to the entire rest of the world, but... not to me.

I mean I know that we joke about death and heck, I'm the queen of the widow-joke and dark humor... and I know we make light of it because it's scary.. because we are scared of it. But everytime I hear about someone being sick my mind automatically goes to the worst place... especially the sick that doesn't go away within 24 hours. Internally I start freaking out. Cause I can't un-know. I still don't understand what makes your body suddenly start to get sick. One moment you are fine and the next you are deathly ill. How does that happen? A broken arm I get. The flu I understand... something that is germ or pathogen related, yes. But a normal- very healthy body that just up and decides to stop functioning? And there is nothing you can do to prevent it and nothing you can do to stop it. You want to talk about a real horror film? Go to the oncology floor. Because if you are there... if you really *get* exactly how close any of us is at any moment from our bodies suddenly and inexplicably turning against us... that's real fear.

I hate death. I hated that Steve Jobs costume... I hated it. Because Nathan is dead, too and it isn't funny.  Steve Jobs had cancer. Nathan had cancer. Steve had a wife and a family, and someone who is missing him dreadfully right now. So did Nathan... so does Nathan. And less than a month later...

It's so easy to be callous.

I know the guy who was dressed up like Steve. He's a great guy, actually. And probably in a couple of years I won't be so sensitive and I will be able to appreciate the humor... but I don't think it's funny, yet. It just hurts and I want to gasp, throw up my hands, cover my eyes, and walk as fast as I can through the wet leaves.

Art and Unhappiness

Is unhappiness required to create good art?

Something I began to wonder about today. Something about sadness.. about hardship... about suffering makes a person need to express themselves. Something about all that makes you motivated to get it out. For me, to write. For someone else, to paint. For someone else, to dance. But you can write or paint or dance when you are happy. Is there something to the poignancy of the heart that you put into a work when everything else in your life seems to be unhappy? Is it easier for others to connect with pain than with happiness?

The boy who you like doesn't talk to you as much that day. You sit down and write a 20 page treatise on the pain of the human experience.

You hate your job. You sit down and write a 10 page imagining of what would happen if you quit tomorrow.

You are lonely. You sit down and write friends.

Maybe it's not even unhappiness that's required, so much as a restlessness of the soul. When I was content I had no motivation. All I really wanted was to be. Now I hunger for something more... and maybe that's what is needed to achieve.

overall I'd rather be blissfully happy though.

Who is this girl? This girl who writes on this blog? I don't know her. She reminds me of someone I knew once but something happened to her... and this girl took her place... and I don't know where she came from, but she likes things that I never expected and she says things that seem to come out of nowhere.

It's all saints day... I'm not catholic, but I am remembering... It's a lot easier when I pretend the other me didn't exist. When I pretend my life went straight from mid-college to now.

Just to lay my head on his chest and for him to stroke my hair.

Every minor frustration leads me back here... I know how to be happy without Nathan... I don't know how to be sad or frustrated or nervous or scared.

It's not so lofty of a dream, which I think is what makes it hurt so much.

Please, God, turn the page? Let's finish this chapter and start a new one? Please.

Enough

Well that was appropriate. Just watched an episode of Dawson's Creek. The Halloween episode. How delightful. I mean, it was bound to happen that one time in the 6 seasons of Halloween episodes that one would fall around Halloween time. But still, it was fun. Kinda nice that it was the last season.

I've had a really productive day. I got a lot done at work, I got my homework done, I went and hung out at Katie's for like 3 hours, I spoke to another friend for a couple of hours.

Didn't get my dishes done... maybe tomorrow??

Yesterday I prayed that God would provide me with companionship... cause until I find the right guy, I still need companions to come alongside me. I'm still an extrovert, you see. And today, when I was perfectly fine with just staying at home and bumming around- suddenly I had companions.

God is tricksy like that... :)

It's still so incredibly amazing to me how He will give me what I need for that moment... and sometimes, what I want, too.

This whole "turn in an assignment on Friday and wait till Tuesday to get people's reaction" is for the birds, by the way. I literally was getting butterflies in my stomach earlier. I've calmed down since then.

It's really nice when people believe in you... and not because they have to or because they always see the best in things... but because they just think that's the way that it is.

tonight I was told that I have "the ability to see good in people's lives... or.. see how they could be good or something."

I take it as a fabulous compliment... and probably one that I don't deserve as much as I would like to.

"We think you got a lot of potential, Kit De Luca."

(Name the movie?)

You know, my life is not everything that I want... but it's enough.