The Doctors

I may have mentioned before that I am watching Dr. Who.

A time or two, eh?

It's a really good show, and I very much like it.

But the thing is, the Dr. changes. I mean that's one of the basic tenets of the show, that the Dr. changes relatively often. It's how a show that started in 1963 is still going-- and on it's 26th season. (He's only called "the Doctor" not Dr. Who, btw... Dr. Who is just what a lot of people say in response to his introduction of himself as "The Dr.")

But the doctor changes, and I hate it. I understand it, but I hate it.

Because I don't like the new doctor.

And then when I do finally like the new doctor he changes again and I don't like that new doctor.

So I'm constantly grieving for the doctor that once was, and I can't appreciate the doctor that is.

And I really think I do enough grieving as it is, thank you.

The other day someone linked to this article on facebook.

It made me cry.

Nathan was at one of the best hospitals in the nation for cancer. Our hand was forced over and over and over. Everyone did every thing that they could do.

But it's hard to think that if Nathan lived 20 years in the future, they might have known more... he might not have died.

But if he lived 20 years in the past then we might have lost him a lot sooner.

And that darn Dr. can time travel.

I really do believe that God can make a beautiful thing out of this.

Sometimes that's not a comfort though.

Cause he didn't want to go.

And I didn't want him to, either.

Stream of consciousness

Greetings from beyond the void.

I don't really know what void I'm referring to, I just wanted to say that.

Dude. I went to bed at 1 AM last night. No foolin'!

That isn't happening tonight. Tonight I have to curl my hair and paint my nails.... and cut them- (my nails, not my hairs) - They are at the too-long stage.... that and I have one super short one that will seem less short if I cut the rest of them.

Is it weird that I keep my curling iron and a mirror by my computer chair so that I can watch a TV show while I curl my hair?? It takes 45 minutes to curl if I'm watching a tv show and about 25 if I'm not. But if I'm not there is a lot of standing around staring at myself in the mirror, so really I'm being efficient with my time. You gotta respect that, even if you do think I spend too much time on my hair.

RESPECT IT!

Ok fine whatever, do what you want.

I'm a terrible disciplinarian.

I want a snack.

OK really I want a bowl of cereal...

Ok *Really* I want a bowl of frosted Rice Krispies.  But I'm out.

I was going to make a comment about sugary cereal, but actually, as cereals go it's not that bad. I looked it up.

Oh Noooes! I left my Mini Snickers in Jon and Katie's freezer.

Seriously. Mini Snickers, plus freezer equals my favorite... or at least my top 5 favorite.

I don't think I understand what favorite means.

Man, my stream of consciousness is more like one of those zig-zaggy sluices they have at the tourist trap gold/gem mining places.

Accents

I started watching Dr. Who on Netflix...

and seriously, my internal monologue has gone full on British. I kinda feel a little bad for people who talk to me cause I think I'm turning on the accent a lot more often than I normally do.

OK I don't feel that bad, cause a British accent is kinda awesome. (My British GPS agrees whole heartedly with me.... Well, actually what he said was, "Apologizin'?!? For speaking understandable-like? More like ya should be apologizin' for torturin' the spoken word till now!"

He's so opinionated, that one.

I am enjoying Dr. Who. (I started on the 9th doctor, or so the internet tells me... Netflix claims it's the "first season." Bollucks, I say! How could it be the first season if it's the 9th incarnation?!)... I think I might be sad when the 10th doctor shows up... I kinda like this one... It boggles my mind that they can change out the main character and everyone is ok with this. At least I'm prepared for it.

But seriously, remember the Harry Potter movies when they considered changing out the kids, because their ages were getting so off? Remember the outcry?

Well, I do. I may have been a touch too interested in the movies, but that just means that you should trust me. They admitted to thinking about recasting the kids and everyone was like, "That's the bloomin' worst idea I've ever 'eard!"

And I was like, "Really, Everyone? The worst one? Worse than the Holocaust? Cause that was a really terrible idea.... I'd say worse than re-casting."

And then Everyone glared at me because I was being a smart alec and not letting them enjoy their hyperbole and also I wasn't talking in my British accent, even though we were discussing British things.

Ok, so that conversation only ever happened in my head. I didn't really speak to everyone... you'd probably remember it if I did.

Tomorrow I'm gonna try and find some Moroccan lanterns to hang from my ceiling above my fireplace. I've been puzzled by that space for a while now, so I'm excited to feel like I've finally had a decent idea.... though I have to admit, hanging them might be a challenge... the ceilings are really tall, and I am really not... though at least in a corner like that it shouldn't be too hard to find a stud...

There's about fifteen jokes I could make regarding that last phrase, but I won't make any of them. You can supply your favorite in your mind.

Pro/Con

Ought to write something. Yes, yes indeed, I ought.

I'm going to the Chicago area sometime next month... Not going to say when for security purposes... I've got family up that way that I'll be visiting. I'm looking forward to it... I don't often get to see them unless it's in a big group of family, so it should be fun.

Currently facing a dilemma: I'm going to move out of this apartment when my lease is up. I will need to move *in* somewhere. I can't decide if I should be thinking about renting a house or staying in an apartment. I *really* want a place where I can host more than 3 people without it feeling overly crowded. This would mean a pretty big upgrade in apartments. (I am very drawn to TLC Properties.) I also want to be in a better part of town. It was one thing when I was married, but now without Nathan and since Josh and Kara have moved "away" (it's 125 paces now, rather than 6. Kara counted.) I'm just not as comfortable.

So now I'm facing a dilemma, and when faced with a dilemma I am Rory Gilmore. So I start making a pro/con list.

So here is the pro lists:

House: Lots of space, no noisy neighbors, possibility of painting walls/ general character, same parking spot everyday, can keep relatively low rent, could have a lot of small perks I would love... like a gas stove.

Apt: Low utilities, free cable and internet, no groundkeeping, probably built within the last few years. Always people around even if I don't know them.

Con lists:

House: Very high utilities, plus cable and internet, possibility of yard work to maintain, less reliable landlords

Apt: Not as much space, much higher rent for a 2 bedroom, neighbors can be annoying, questionable quality of internet strength, pay for things I don't want/need like a pool or a gym.

Is it just me or does that list come out basically even to you?? I need a second opinion. Where is Luke or Lorelai??? Heck I'd settle for Emily, Richard, or Michele at this point. oooh or Sookie. Love me some Sookie.

Tales of a 27 year old fan-girl

Ach, it's been a busy evening. My Christmas break has officially started and it's bustling already.

I'm really glad that I'll be spending enough time in one place this Christmas to sleep... and maybe, hopefully? write some, too.

I watched the Glee Christmas show this evening while doing laundry. I thought it was a lot of fun, with it's homage to the holiday specials of the 60's.

Seriously, how cute are these guys?!?

My favorite moment, though was Sue's address of Artie, Kurt and Blaine as, "Stumbles, Gelfling, and young Burt Reynolds" especially Blaine's thrilled reaction to being called young Burt Reynolds... that was hilarious. Then again, maybe that's just because of how dreamy I think Darren Criss is. I don't care how many bow ties you slap on that kid, or if you ban him from ever wearing socks again,  he's still totally swoonworthy.

It's all in the eyebrows

 I digress.

Oh great now, I'm totally distracted by the fact that I've got a picture of Darren staring at me. Why didn't they cast HIM as Edward??? So much cuter than Robert Pattinson.

The digression continues.

I think I might have to give up this blog post and just hope that tomorrow I don't go all fangirl on you, like I have this evening.

I call this one: Darren Crissmas

Oh look here's a blog of someone crazier than me... well, that makes me feel better.

The end of an era

Well, it's over. After sitting down and watching the entire Dawson's Creek Disc 4 in a single marathon session, it's all over.

Sad thing is that I actually finished the show I was watching on instant queue today, too. So not one, but two casts of characters have now left my life. And I'm not happy with the way things ended.

I read somewhere recently that people who watch TV are less lonely because the tv characters start to feel like real people that you know and spend time with. They start to feel like friends (albeit really bad friends who are so wrapped up in their own drama it's like you don't even exist to them)

Maybe that explains why as soon as I finished the last instant queue episode this afternoon I immediately called Kara to see what she was up to and why this evening after finishing Dawson's Creek I directly went to skype to talk to another friend without passing go or collecting 200 dollars.

I haven't seen anyone in two days... I'm going a little stir crazy but I put away and did a lot of laundry today.

I used up a lot of Kleenex in that last episode... Can I still say that I'm not normally emotional even when it feels like I cry all the time in comparison to what I used to? I swear people who meet me now probably think I'm like this hyper-emotional yet totally unaware of how emotional she is fruit basket...

But I swear, my emotions are actually starting to level out... series finales not withstanding :)

Magic Hour

I write this in that magical hour. The magical hour between 1AM and 2AM on daylight savings time evening. This hour is going to repeat itself. Did you know? At 2 AM it will be 1AM again. So what am I doing with my magical witching hour? Blogging and watching Dawson's Creek. Yeah. I'm partying like it's 1999 up in here. Literally.

You know why all the boys love Joey Potter? It's because when she grins she pulls down the outside corners of her mouth, so it looks like she's never grinned so hard in her life. And they made her grin like that.

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round.
Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad
Oh bows and arrows
Stars and sunsets
Every heartbeat every kiss just
Makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armor
Hearts and arrows

That's what they replaced Paula Cole's "I don't wanna wait" song with. Did they do that for the seasons when they were actually airing (starting season 3) or did they just do that for the DVD release? I cannot say, for I do not know.

I think I do announcements tomorrow at church, but I don't remember.

Let's just say I do, because the leader of announcements is in Memphis, TN -not the beautiful Memphis MO, home to one, Renée Dunn.

Can I even write a novel? I mean, novels are long... the longest thing I've ever written was like 20 pages... and yeah my story idea is a bit complex, but... a novel?

Maybe this hour isn't quite so magical as I thought... maybe I should just go get some sleep and feel more chipper in the morning.

Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad...

But I got nowhere else to go

(that last one was a movie quote... didja catch it?)

Why the ending matters

Can I just say I'm so mad at Dawson and Joey...  ** there may be spoilers in here for the .03% of you who've never watched the entirety of Dawson's Creek and still somehow care about not reading spoilers from a show that's been over for like 6 years.... .03% is too large a number, isn't it?**

I know, how sad am I? I'm talking about a couple of TV show characters like they are actual people. The writers do such a good job of making me care about these two kids, but then the forever "will they, won't they" tension just drives me up a wall. And both of them act like such complete morons. If you say you are in love with a girl and she says she is in love with you, you call her. You talk to her, you don't start dating other people. If you are so in love with a boy that you are willing to buy a plane ticket to Paris just to catch him before he leaves the airport in the most grand of all movie-style gestures and you are willing to put it all on the line by saying that you love him and then he says that he loves you back, you don't just not call him all summer long. Then if he royally screws up (as you know he is going to, because you've known him since he was three and when has he ever not screwed things up except for the time that you screwed things up?) You don't throw the baby out with the bath water. You remember that time you screwed everything up, and you give the guy a break/second chance/400th chance cause if you really believe you two are soul mates then maybe you should believe him when he says that he knows he screwed up and he's trying to fix it.

 Maybe I should have stopped the first time they kissed. Maybe I should have stopped when Joey said, "It's just lipstick, Dawson." Maybe in these tv relationships it's better just to call things off  as soon as you get the ending you want, because sooner or later (and on Dawson's Creek it's always sooner) your ending is going to get ruined. I mean who keeps watching something that just works out and keeps working out? There's no story in happily ever after. That's why complete lifetimes can be summed up in three words.

Happily ever after.

Sometimes I think maybe I *would* watch a show where people are happily married/in relationships and were just exceedingly funny. I mean I like my own life/friends and that's pretty well how it works with them.

Anyway, none of that dissection really matters, and it doesn't really matter that I'm 6 years too late to the party or that if I really thought this through I'd realize that very few people reading this have been able to stick with me through this whole diatribe. Cause you know what?  I'm ticked off at two tv show characters. Still. Both of them. Dawson is a stupid jerk and Joey is a moody drama queen.

I watched an anime movie once with Nathan that we both mocked mercilessly, in part because the theme song was John Denver's, "Country Road." and in part because the translation from Japanese to English was really bad and once the girl walking down the road started yelling, "stupidjerk,stupidjerk,stupidjerk" and neither of us was sure what the "stupid jerk" had done to be labeled as such. So whenever anyone would make us mad from then on, the other person would say, "stupidjerk,stupidjerk,stupidjerk" and it would make the person who was mad smile. And I realized that, no one would get what I was referring to when I called Dawson (who was in fact a stupid jerk) a stupid jerk. And it kinda broke my heart a little bit.

I saw a gray Jeep Cherokee in my parking lot yesterday evening, and my heart seized in my chest for just a second. For just one short short moment in time I thought he was home. And I was *so* happy to see that Jeep.... and then I was so mad at that Jeep. That brief moment of hope can be so devastating.

But you see this is why I need Dawson and Joey to just freaking get it right for once... Cause if I end this, the last season of Dawson's Creek, with Dawson and Joey not finally getting it right, I'm going to be so upset. If they end up just saying goodbye in some terrible cheesy montage of all the Dawson and Joey moments and then the viewer is left believing that they just send each other Christmas cards and courtesy phone calls upon engagement and first children. If Dawson and Joey, who have their lives scripted can't get a little piece of happily ever after. If after everything they've gone through they don't get the happiness that we all know they can only find in each other and have to settle for... not-quite-Joey and not-quite-Dawson. Well then, what chance to the rest of us poor slobs have? I want to believe in happily ever after. I want to believe that after all the twists and turns and ups and downs and loop-de-loops happily ever after still exists... and that mine is out there, waiting for me down the road a short piece. But if Dawson and Joey can't make it work... how the heck can I? I mean, honestly my life has been just as drama filled, if not more than Dawson's or Joey's... so if they can't pull it out and turn it around... just doesn't make me feel so good about my chances... after all, I don't have 40 million fans telling the writers that they have to make it work out in the end.

It's just that happily ever afters keep me going. They are the fuel of that keep me out of angsty morose-land. They give me hope, which, not gonna lie, I still need- in spades.

Do you remember the "Everything I need to know" poster phase? There were "everything I need to know about life I learned from..." posters everywhere and the things they learned from ranged from kindergarten (maybe the first poster?) to Star Trek, to "my girlfriends."

I feel like that's what this post is shaping up to be.



Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Dawson's Creek.



Good gravy, how sad would that be if it were true. No wonder the aliens want to destroy us, and only Hoolan can see our potential.

Seriously, if you've never read the "My Teacher is an Alien" series by Bruce Coville, you need to. Go to your local library. Now. Before we stop being friends.

Proudest moment?

Blogger has a brand new interface... I'm trying to get used to it. (Don't worry, it's not something you will see.)

It's a strange thing what a relief it is to see someone on a TV show who is on a ventilator *look* like they are on a ventilator. Makes me sad, but it doesn't make me angry... makes me feel like someone out there knows... or at least that they did their research. There are some things it is cruel to try and fake, and hospital scenes are one of them.

I was thinking today that I should send a thank you letter to Nathan's dr and nurses in St. Louis... I never actually did that, and they were so nice and kind to us.

I've been posed the question, "When you look back on your life, what are you the most proud of?" and I think that I'm too young to have something to be the most proud of, and then I remember I'm 28... and I think, "How have I not had something that I can definitively point to as my proudest thing?" and then I remember that I don't have children, and I've never had huge lofty dreams... just small simple ones... I lack ambition, you know.

I'm not sure how I've become so old and so young at the same time.... oh wait, maybe I do know... that stupid wolf, again.

I'm feeling contemplative... this is a dangerous place for me... Luckily, I have my handy dandy distractions all around me... Like the fact that my apartment desperately needs to be cleaned, and must be cleaned by  Sat, because the lovely Melissa is having a birthday party here that night.

Yes, apartment cleaning. That's precisely what I should be doing at 2 in the morning.

Then again, perhaps not.

The danger of blogging in bed...

The danger of blogging in bed is that sometimes you close your eyes, and then you wake up 7 hours later without having actually posted your blog.  Cause apparently that one click was too much for your brain to handle. Luckily my bed is big enough to hold a computer and me overnight... and apparently I was tired enough that I barely moved all night. This is not normal. 

Now to return you to your regularly scheduled blog post:
 
hmmmmmmm.

Things I remembered today:

I hate days where I just go and go and go... at least I do when I go by myself and not with a friend.

I discovered the music of Les Miserable from Dawson's Creek of all places.

I am Joey Potter.

There is nothing that I want more in this whole wide world than to be needed... to be wanted... to be considered a help.

I honestly don't feel needed that often... loved, yes... but needed? I mean I don't have any dependents, so there aren't any obvious people who need me... and as for everyone else... well I suppose it depends on your definition of need. Maybe people aren't supposed to need each other in the way I'm talking about. Maybe that's unhealthy.

Ok so I've left the heading of things I remembered today, but I'm filled with... something... ennui? teenage angst? restlessness? the desire to do something crazy and inane just to shake things up a little?... I blame Dawson. Hey you want to hear/ read one of the most influential moments on my early psyche from TV? Oh what's that? You don't really have a choice but to read what I put in front of you?? excellent.

JOEY:   You know, and I thought this is what I wanted -- for you to see me as beautiful. For you to look at me the -- the way that you look at Jen. But the truth is, I don't want that at all, Dawson. I want you to look at me and see the person you've always known and realize that what we have is so much more incredible than just some passing physical attraction, because you know what, Dawson? It's just lipstick. And it's just hairspray. Tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up, and I'm gonna be Joey. Just Joey. You know, the too tall girl from the wrong side of the creek.
DAWSON:  Wait, Joey, this is all new to us, and we should talk about it, okay? Because no matter what happens, we can't go back to the way things were.
JOEY:   Dawson, you've had a lifetime to process your feelings for me. And I can't spend the rest of mine hoping that you might throw a general glance in my direction in between your tortured teen romances with whatever Jen Lindley rolls into your life next. I can't do it.

It's just lipstick and it's just hairspray. Tomorrow morning I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna be me. Just me. You know, the short girl from the wrong side of the creek.

I think the only difference between Joey and I have different levels of self-confidence... whether they are earned levels, well that's slightly more debatable.

my head hurts. I'm going to sleep./

P.S. Kinda ironic that this is tomorrow morning, isn't it?

Cleaning Log: Stardate: [-28] 05225.00

Google has a stardate calendar you can add to your "friends" calendars.  Capt. Picard would be so proud of me. What? I'm not a nerd.... nooooooo, not at all. Hey, listen- to some guy somewhere out there I'm a dream-goddess of a girl spoken of only in hushed and reverent tones. I play video games, I understand and enjoy Star Trek (at least Next Gen) *and* Star Wars, I like to cook and bake and take care of people, I'm relatively low maintenance and totally laid back. Not to mention I'm smart, pretty, and mothers seem to like me. I'm the stuff of myth and legend!

Anyway.... I was about to start my cleaning log before the stardate sidetracked me...

My shower/tub is as clean as it's ever been, and my books are all arranged on my shelves....

I have a fresh batch of cold brewed coffee in the fridge just waiting to lavish my mouth with iced coffee happiness in the morning, and I actually worked out today. (Yeah, that never happens.)

My desk is cleaned off... at least the workspace part and I've realized I have a lot of stuff I want to get rid of...

Plenty of filing yet to be done, but the bookshelves in my bedroom look like they are meant to have cleaned tops! ...I haven't attempted to tackle the kitchen... or the floors.... Ach the floors of every room really need cleaning... sweeping, mopping, what some people call "vacuuming" but I just call sweeping again...

Oh and did I mention I found a 10 dollar gift card? And did I mention it has my insurance agent's face on it? The same guy who called me a few weeks back to give his condolences, he gave us a gift card, apparently.  And if he did it was like at this time *last year.* I didn't have a clue this thing existed... I really do live in a fog sometimes...

Lots and lots left to do so not so many deep ponderings today. You know, since I'm normally so chock full of 'em.

K.... tired... after a long day of getting stuff done... going to go to bed now... love you, all.

Ok, now you're just being silly.

I was downtown tonight, briefly, at the beginning of Art Walk... and a pub crawl... and some sort of festival as well? I determined then that I didn't really like Art Walk, but I actually think it's less about Art Walk and more about navigational stress. I don't like driving downtown during that madness, though honestly I don't mind walking. I don't like trying to figure out how to find parking, or where to go. See, I have a new car that I really like, but the fundamental problem is still that I don't actually *like* driving. I mean I drive around a lot, don't get me wrong. But if I had my druthers... I wouldn't, and Art Walk is the worst of all Springfield driving. Lots of cars, lots of people and not that much space. In other words: now accepting applications for a chauffeur.  I will pay you in baked goods... or sing your praises on my blog.. or paint you a picture... or sew you something?

I have a confession to make. I've been watching a new TV show on Netflix... it's called "Drop Dead Diva." And I think it's a really weird show for me to want to watch, and not just because it's a... Lifetime show... makes me cringe just a little, writing that.  But I also shouldn't want to watch it, considering that the main character died and came back to the body of someone else (who recently died). And yet, I completely love it.  Here's a bit of a plot summary, lifted from Wikipedia and then edited down:
"A vapid blonde and aspiring model, Deb, is killed in a car crash. She goes to limbo (think an all-white hospital waiting room the size of a mall) where you are sent to Heaven or Hell. She pushes a button that she shouldn't and is brought back to life in the body of a recently deceased, intelligent, overweight (and super pretty) lawyer named Jane Bingum. Deb (in her new body) retains her memories, but the "smarts" of Jane. Deb begins to rediscover her past while learning more about her inherited body's current life, and how Jane was treated when she was alive. Only Deb's long-time friend Stacy knows Jane's true identity."

Oh and I cut out the part where Deb's  boyfriend/almost-fiancé works at the same legal firm as Jane. Also, though she has the intelligence of Jane, Deb still acts like a total ditz, which is kind of an amusing juxtaposition. I never realized how much I'm used to characters playing a "type." But an overweight, smart lawyer who acts and talks like a valley girl.... That'll mess with your preconceived notions! Anyway, I think part of the reason I might like it so much is that they talk about grief and even deal with it on the show... and it's always respectful, but at the same time it's still a comedy. And honestly- it's hopeful... It's strange but you know... it's really a show about continuing life after a death... I mean it's mainly from the perspective of the person who died, so that's weird, but... honestly, it's dealing with the same issues that I deal with, and it's encouraging.

My British GPS would say, "Bi' of a weirdo, tha' one. Migh' be goin' a touch off  'er rockah."

Luckily, he can only tell me where to go- not throw in his snide commentary. But I know what he's thinking!

On a scale of one to ten (One being, perfectly normal and 10 being totally crazy pants), how healthy is personifying objects with sarcastic personality? Imma go with an 8.5. But that darn German judge gave it a 9.5. Such a hater, that one.

What about making up a German judge? That would be pretty normal, don't you think... I mean I wouldn't know, cause my German judges is, like, totally legit, and all... but you know... if he wasn't, I think that'd be pretty normal.

Kara once overheard a conversation between two guys while walking across campus, and she wrote it down in a note to share with me and it has since become part of the lore of our friendship. You should get one of us to tell you the full story sometime, but for now I will just give you the last two lines.

"I think you make up stuff just to piss me off."

"I do, man- but not this time."

Elusive Silver Gilding

I love cable TV channels. I think this is a fact generally well known to all. Especially Bravo. There is something about their brand of reality tv that I find both fascinating and addictive... but I've not been watching a lot of TV as of late and I think there is a reason for this. I'm at home, as most everyone knows and my parents have cable (well, it's technically satellite) and I've noticed that TV is pretty well chock full of emotional landmines for me. Yesterday, it was a commercial for something where the man was talking about the beautiful things he's seen in his life (and we keep seeing home footage of a girl/lady growing older) and then he says the most beautiful image he's ever seen is the image that the drs used to catch his wife's cancer early, so that she could be cured. And then you see the same woman and a man looking at something in a dr. office, and then even later at like a grandkid's birthday party or something... and it's really sweet, but... ach. Sometimes it's so hard not to ask "Why us? Why him?" But I know that's a hard, sad path to walk, and one without any resolution. So I try to keep focused on other things...

Went shopping today, like old times... well, with the addition of two little ones. It was fun, though, and honestly the kids did great, for being out all day... Plus Mom got to eat at Chik-fil-a twice in one day! I taught Rhonda how to play a game on my PSP... Unfortunately the battery wasn't fully charged so she didn't get to play for long... but I have no doubt if she had she would currently be wiping the floor with my Katamari scores... She's always been better at video games than me... I just like them.

Most adorable moment of the trip went to Jeriah, who seemed to develop a bit of a crush on an Old Navy mannequin. He just went over and gave her a long hug... He stopped just as I got my camera out, so we made him do it again, so you all could enjoy it as well.

True love.

And that's pretty well when I stopped taking pictures while we were out. I had stores to visit and things to buy!

So I'll show you some pictures I took after we got home- Here we see the beautiful Kadin showing off her new purse (seen around head), pink skirt, and shoes. Trust me when I say that the black purse is a much classier purse than the blue sequined dog purse she almost got.



Jeriah got cowboy boots! Those are actually rather hard to find without characters on them. Also of interest: Jeriah wears the same size shoe as Kadin. He is not quite three and she is 5 and a half.

I especially enjoy the one pant leg up, one down look he was sporting pretty well all night... though which pant leg switched a few times.

And! We finished the gingerbread church!

I know you can't see them very well, but those are some really awesome bushes on the side of that church... along with... you know... the roof... and the silver plated floor inside the church. Only in the most holiest of Gummi Bear churches do you see examples of the elusive silver gilded floor.

Reflections on Kyle XY and Poetry

So sometimes when I'm hanging out by myself I watch Netflix... Ok, fine, a lot of times. Tonight I watched a TV show called Kyle XY... I know. It's ok... judge me. I watch ABC family shows for fun... It's a shame that I just have to bear. This particular Kyle XY was... weird. 1) a girl had been attacked in a back alley (black eye and scratches on her neck) and everyone was watching her... waiting for her to freak out... and she was shaken, but being pretty strong. Yeah, I didn't identify with that one at allllll. :) And 2) the father of the father figure of the show was in the hospital... He'd had a stroke and was on life support. Or should I say "life support." It was of course all wrong.. they were monitoring his brain waves and didn't even have any nodules on his head... and they tried to make it look like he was intubated, but really he just had one small tube in his mouth (like an NG tube, but in his mouth rather than his nose) and a pulse ox monitor taped to his nose... And gosh darn it if I don't wish I didn't know about this stuff.... I'm not a nurse. I'm not in the medical field at all. I never wanted to know this stuff. I wish I didn't. I couldn't even watch whenever the "grandfather" was in the shot... I had to hold up my hand to block my view of him. I wrote a poem once, called, "What I Wish I Didn't Know." I was young and emo and it was about a guy whom I had had a crush on, and it listed off all sorts of things about him that I felt like I'd wasted my brain space remembering- his likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, ect. I have so much more to put into a poem now... So much more I wish I didn't know, but am not sure I'll ever forget.  And it's way way heavier than the name of some guy's car. I don't want to list the things though... because I don't want to make you cry... I don't want to force that burden on someone who can't handle it. Gosh, ABC Family shows are just landmines. My memories are landmines. I just never know when something will trigger an explosion.

Talking about poetry has made me go look through some old stuff that I wrote when I was in High school and college... and two poems seemed especially apt tonight so I'll transcribe them for you... Though I admit I'm going to edit/ add a final line to the first one:

The Cry

The cry from my heart
can't be matched
by a fleshly wound
or an audible wail

I've hurt
I still hurt
I will hurt

And the nothingness never comes
I can't make myself go numb
not on the inside
I already tried

I've hurt
I still hurt
I will hurt

But that doesn't mean I should give up.



The Love of My Life

Deeper than the depths can fathom
Longer than eternity's distance
Greater than all this world can know
is the love I hold for you

Nothing will ever end it
You need never doubt it
For even before you knew life
I knew and loved you

I will carry you in sadness
and with your joy shall be mine
there is nothing that I need from you
But if you choose, to love me too

You don't have to be weak
Because I'll be here for strength
Draw what you need from me
You are the Love of my life

... the cat came back, the very second day.

Well, it wasn't very long lived... 2 things happened. 1)Nathan started playing KH: BBS and 2) He hurt his back, today. This means he is, as I write, passing me up in levels and going to be beating my time logged in the game in short order.. Oh well, we return to the natural order of our marriage.

I may or may not be watching an ABC Family show called "Kyle XY" on DVD. Ok, you got me, I totally am. It's pretty enjoyable... the writing isn't superb or anything but I really like the actor who plays Kyle. It's hard to play a character who is totally clueless about everything and yet a super genius, but I'm impressed. I think it's his grin. You can tell a lot from a grin. I think when people smile at you it really makes a difference. And this kid's got an uber-grin that he flashes willy nilly around that show. It could melt the heart of a polar bear... if a polar bear had human thoughts, of course and didn't take flashing teeth as a sign of a challenge and maul him. That wouldn't work out so well.

We had a good trip to St. Louis. Dr. Stockerl-Goldstein had a lady (his new fellow...... like the hematology/oncology Dr. kind of fellow, not the male kind of fellow) on rounds with him when he visited with us. When he came in he said that he'd been explaining Nathan's journey to her in the hallway, everything that he's been through, but then he said, "but I told her that when we came in you would still have a smile on your face." The nurses at Cox always commented on Nathan's ready smile, too. Recently someone else (who does not give out compliments very often) told us how much he/she admired the grace in which we'd handled everything. I'm not sure if people know how much comments like those mean to us (especially me). I've never been noted for my physical grace... I'm from the accidentally run into walls and trip over my own feet school of grace. And throughout this whole process I've hardly felt graceful... I've felt more like a bull running down a shoot. Just duck your head and keep moving forward... but to know that people see and really appreciate the fact that I'm still trying to live up to my commitments, that I try not to use cancer as an excuse, and that Nathan and my whole goal is to hold hands as tightly as we can and just keep putting one foot in front of the next. It means so much. The way I'm able to get through this is my faith that there is a Higher Power who cares, and that there is a greater plan than what I can see... That's what I hear when I hear someone talk about our "grace" or Nathan's smile.. I hear them saying they can see God in us... cause that's where it's coming from.

hmmm.... ok so I've been waxing a bit sentimental. I guess I was due... ever since we came back from St. Louis I've been exhausted and cranky.. In fact, earlier today I slept from about 5:15 to 7:40.... and then we went to Starbucks, which is probably why I'm typing a blog post at 12:45 at night when I have to be up to walk at 7:00. However after said nap and Starbucks I'm feeling much better, and thus the pondering of the positive via blog post, I suppose. Suggestions of ridiculous things to ponder are always welcome, by the way.

I feel like since Oct. started life has suddenly sped up to about mach 8. Am I alone in this? My head is spinning right round (like a record, baby, right round, round, round.) Feels like Thanksgiving is gonna be here in about 2 seconds the way things are going. I don't know why this is... perhaps it's the cold? I hear that people in cold climates get things done, because they have to keep warm. Where as people in the tropics have a much slower, easy-going way of life, cause it's too hot to stress...

I hope I never have to live somewhere without seasons... I really like the changes, and constantly looking forward to wearing a new style of clothing... have I already said this? Sometimes I get super paranoid that my blog is just gonna turn into an endless cycle of me repeating myself on like a 3 month rotation and I won't notice... I'll be like those professors that you have for a class in college and think they are the greatest teachers ever and then you take a second class with them and realize that they just use the same jokes and stories in all of their classes.... such disappointment. I don't wanna be a disappointment! Put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play! HA! Only time I have ever (or probably will ever) utter those words. Land mark occasion right here!

...seriously... watch me say that same thing on accident in Jan....

If I Have Multiple Personalities, None of Us Can Stay on Topic.

I made some cupcakes last night. I've been in a very bake-y kinda mood lately. Someone asked me today if I liked to bake and the answer to that is yes, but what I like even more than baking is sharing. This is why I baked so much in college, I think. Cause I had an unending supply of grateful boys who loved cookies. It's not about the eating, it's about the sharing. I found a recipe for the Petite Vanilla Bean Scones like the ones from Starbucks on Pioneer Woman Cooks (where I've been trolling lately for dinner recipes, cause we need to scale back on the eating out.) The scone recipe lead me to look for more "copy cat" recipes for the scones (I like to compare recipes!) Then I got to thinking about Vanilla Beans and how expensive they are here and how there has to be a better deal out there on the internets and then I found a website where you can buy a pound of vanilla beans for 20 dollars. 20 Dollars!?! So I think I'm gonna be making a vanilla purchase sometime soon.

We got a new computer! It came in the mail yesterday, but Nathan, the poor soul, is working on a paper that he is presenting tomorrow, and so he can't open it up and set it up or play with it or anything.. He's pretty bummed, but I'm proud of him for getting done what he needs to get done.

I've decided that I dislike the Myers Briggs test. Now anyone who knows me might find this a surprise, because generally I love personality tests. But here's the problem with ole' MB. The only letter that I am consistently is F(Feeler). Pretty much every other letter can flip flop from one to the other like no one's business. And not within the span of years. I took two different MB tests the other day and got answers that that were different. This was in the course of an hour. I'm sometimes an introvert, sometimes not. (I like to say I'm a shy extrovert, so I want to hang out with people all the time, but it's a little hard to get to know me cause I'm so awkward and make such a bad first impression) I come out in the middle on the "sensing/intuiting" continuum and the "perceiving/judging" spectrum as well. But does Myers Briggs make me feel good that I'm a well-rounded individual? NO! I feel bad cause I can't get a single description that I feel speaks about me. I mean I can pick and choose a paragraph here and there and cobble together something that I can pretend is supposed to be all one description, but I had better luck with the "What type of dog are you" quiz. (I'm a Golden Retriever, by the way). It's just wrong that a test I answer 50 questions on can give me the same amount of accuracy as my zodiac symbol description. (Yes, I am fiercely loyal, thank you!) And yet maybe it's because I don't know myself that well... I wonder what would happen if Nathan took both tests "for" me in an hour... maybe they would be the same, then. Oooooor maybe I have multiple personalities, and I never knew it... or maybe you have multiple personalities!

....

Sorry, got a little carried away with my own little weird tirade there. Anyway, suffice it to say, I'm not amused by Messieurs Mademoiselles Myers and Briggs and their inability to tell me what I'm like.

Sometimes I worry that I make too long of blog posts, but then I think that I'm not forcing anyone to read them, so if people think they are too long they can just stop reading.

I have decided that even more than the owl I like peacocks. However the caveat to this must be- only in non-real form. While I wouldn't love having a real owl around, real peacocks are a pain to keep around and they make pretty disturbing noises. (Some sound like a woman's scream.) But peacocks in jewelry, animation, and cake are all fabulous, and even their feathers are pretty. Some day maybe I'll have a peacock room just like Elvis... and hopefully I can have his 15 ft long couch, too.

If I ever win a million dollars and buy a house I think I would pay to have Mike Holmes come out and inspect it. I bet Mike backs up his inspections with a 10 year make-it-right guarantee... on second thought can I just have him build me a home to begin with? Ya think he'd build a new Victorian?

ok new thought. Why don't they make theme songs the way they used to? Seriously- "Cheers," "Who's the Boss," "The Golden Girls," "The Wonder Years," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," even "The Dukes of Hazard" and "Welcome Back, Kotter" Those were *theme* songs! They let you know what the show was about... now we have about 4 seconds of lyric-less music and we are off to the races. I don't know about you but I wish there was something more to the harmonized shout of  "Glee!" to start the show... And even when there is a song it's not one that was written for it (ala Gilmore Girls and Carol(e?) King) I just wanna know why theme songs died. I blame "Touched by an Angel" ...and that creeper clown. You know he's out there, up to no good.

This blog post has been brought to you by the letters T and V!

I think blogging is addictive. The more often you write, the more often you want to write. Even when you don't have that much to say. Like tonight.

Does anyone have any requests for crafty things? I need a reason to watch more Gilmore Girls. Gilmore Girls is the perfect crafting accompaniment, cause you don't have to be watching the screen in order to enjoy it. I saw a couple of seasons of GG in Walmart the other day for 15 dollars... I was a little sad at how much money I could have saved if I would have just waited... but there was no way I could have waited this long to own them all... I would have splurged and bought the really fancy box set of the whole series if I hadn't been snatching them up one at a time... oh well, maybe someday I'll buy all the seasons of "How I Met Your Mother" for 15 dollars a piece.... but then I have to wonder... if I can wait until a show only costs 15 dollars before I'm willing to buy it, do I really even want it at all?

Ya know, I love reality television. I like (some of) the horrible VH1 dating shows and I like pretty much all of Bravo's reality line up (except a few Housewives), but I have to say. I do not understand the appeal of reality TV on DVD. First of all, so much reality tv is based on competition and once you know who wins, it's a lot less interesting. And of the stuff that isn't, most of the appeal is in the crazy things people say/do... and that sort of sensationalism stops being sensational with repeat exposure. Though it's still great fun to quote,  "Matriarch to Ma..tri...arch." The only exception to this rule might be "The Mole." (The show where one of the contestants is a saboteur and you don't find out till the end who it is. That might be fun to watch twice... but probably only twice.) Reality TV is the soda pop of television. You leave it sitting out too long or open the bottle too often and it loses all it's fizz.

Did you know that "Glee" comes back on Tuesday?? I'm thrilled. Now I just need to save my pennies to buy the first season on DVD... yeah, I'm so not waiting for that one to go down to 15 dollars.

... Sorry, I told you I didn't have much to discuss. Seen any good movies, lately?

Semi Random Thoughts by Anae Duuuh.

My sister has a blog, too, now! You can check it out here. She explains what I vaguely referenced last Saturday.

Have I fully explained how much I love a TV show called "Gilmore Girls?" Cause I love it. I just watched several episodes, concluding the 3rd season, and I love it.  Love love love. There is something about witty banter that I just can't get enough of. It is an aspect in which I am totally and completely girly. Unlike earlier tonight when I chided someone for not knowing exactly and immediately who Carrie Fisher is and then realized that while my husband may consider himself quite lucky that he got a girl who is aware of her Star Wars, only guys should rib their buddies if they aren't up on their SW knowledge. I'm so gauche.... and geeky... I'm a gauche geek....

and suddenly I wonder if there are any other kinds.

So I want to lose weight and not change anything about my current lifestyle. When someone figures out how to do that will you let me know? I have a sneaking suspicion most plans would not let me have pie for breakfast and after having taken 27 years to discover this wonder, I'm not quite sure I can give it up just yet.

On a related note, I have concluded that there is not a food in the world that everyone can agree is good for you. I have not actually done any research but I hear a lot of different people talking about food at different times and they all seem to disagree on what is good or bad. Milk is good for you- no it's bad. Meat is bad for you- no it's good. Iceberg lettuce is a great option- oh actually, it has no nutritional value- but it does have phytochemicals (sp?) so it's actually good for you. Ok, so I've never heard anyone badmouth kale... but I still think dieters are the bravest people I know, because how the heck do you know what you should or shouldn't eat... diets are the old wives tales of a new millennium. *Please note I do not think diets or dieters are wrong or bad, just highly contradictory.

Something else that I was pondering today-- and please note this has some obvious exceptions... I only mean it as a general trend. Ok, disclaimer finished. I think that my generation might feel about fixing things like cars and houses and practical knowledge like my parents (or possibly my grandparents generation) feel about computers. For example, when my Dad goes to fix something he has a skill set to draw on... but where did he get this skill set? Pretty much from jumping in and tinkering about till it worked. He might have had some coaching or instruction along the way but mainly he just wasn't afraid to make a mistake. This is what my generation does with computers... we just jump in and aren't afraid to screw up cause we know we can always undo it.... But cars and electrical wiring and plumbing? That stuff is expensive and scary. That requires professionals. People who are trained. I used to say that my grandma was afraid that if she pushed the wrong button on the computer it might explode, and that was why she didn't use it... but I'm not that different. Cars can explode... or crash.... or make funny clunking noises and not run. It's all the same fears just recycling themselves in new ways. Kinda like fashion. Did ya hear? The 80's are back and they brought their love of neon, their slap bracelets, and yes, even their acid washed jeans.... but if the shoulder pads ever return I'm making a break for it.... but not in a linebacker kind of way.

When I was little my favorite book was "Are You My Mother?" by P.D Eastman. Apparently it was such a favorite that I decided to read it on a tape that was being sent to my grandparents in PA. I believe this might have been the tape that was played so often it broke. (My grandparents moved to MO when I was 4.... possibly because they could bear to be separated from my adorableness no longer.) Anyway, on this tape I announce the book before I read it as such: " 'Are You My Mudda' by Anae Moohr." Anae Moohr of course being how I pronounced my own name at the ripe old age of 3. I think if I asked my 3 year old self to say my name today it would be Anae Duuuh. Oh and please don't get me a copy of the book- I already have 2. One to read to my children and one to keep in pristine condition- but I appreciate your generous heart.

As I re-read this to edit I realize that I use a lot of disclaimers... but it's just cause I don't want you to think I'm judging you... I'm not. Who am I to judge? I eat pie for breakfast and call cars "necessary death traps."

A Lot on Reading and a Little on a TV Show

So yesterday I went to the library and picked up 7 books and a CD. I do not think this is notable, especially as I had turned in 10 the day before. Basically what I do is I request a whole bunch of books from the library. (My hold list is usually somewhere in the 20's) They all have different amounts of other people's holds, which means that I get the holds at different times (I freeze the ones that are later in the series if the 1st one has a bunch of holds, so that I move up the queue*, but do not actually get the book till I tell them to unfreeze it.)  So usually I get 3-4 books every 3-4 days, and it works out nicely. However sometimes I hit a streak where I get a LOT of books all at once, it's usually followed by a lull, so it's fine by me, and honestly reading a book a day is not at all unusual for me. I read books and cook/watch tv/do stuff on the computer and just read by itself. It does mean that I don't pay a whole lot of attention to poor Nathan- sometimes he just comes and sits next to me and that's how I know I need to put the book down and pay attention to him. I couldn't really do it in college cause there was so much else going on, but this has always been the way with me and books. I love them so. What I like to read and why is a whole other subject matter, but not really the point of this here ramblin' paragraph. What IS the point is that yesterday when I was checking out the librarian asked me if I wanted to keep my little hold slips of paper in the books. I shrugged and said I didn't care. This apparently threw her for a loop because she didn't know if I was an "any old scrap of paper will do" bookmarker or a "I have a fancy-pants bookmark" bookmarker. Apparently I *really* boggled her mind when I told her that I actually just remember the page number. I didn't think this was that big of a deal. I only read one book at a time, normally, and sometimes I use a bookmark, but it's not that hard to figure out where you were in a book, even if you don't remember the page number. Granted it's not that unusual for me to not need a bookmark, because I read the whole book in one sitting, but from this lady's reaction you would have thought I had just transformed into a demigod. "Oh you just REMEMBER the number? I don't hear that very often. You just *remember* it?" *flabbergasted flabbergasted flabbergasted* This has led me to believe that either my whole life I have lived the lie that you do not need a bookmark, or that this lady is a little nuts. Now while the first would explain the fact that they *sell* fancy bookmarks, (which does shock/confuse me a bit) I think the latter is probably the case. What say you?

Also Nathan and I have been watching "How I Met Your Mother" and I love it. I love it so much that I've been wondering how much it would cost to just go out and get the next disc from the video store so that I don't have to wait so long for net flix to deliver it... or how much just purchasing it would cost. Honestly I probably *shouldn't* delve into how much purchasing it would cost... cause then it will always be there in the back of my brain. Tempting.... tempting... tempting....   But seriously, TV on DVD? Possibly one of the greatest inventions of this century... Though I doubt Hoo-lan would agree. Ok I need to go and eat something... and probably start reading, again.

* I would like to thank Roller Coaster Tycoon for teaching me the word queue, but I still don't understand why it is not pronounced K-yoo-ee. The extra ue are like que's trophy wife.