Vulnerability: The First

Today Melissa and I were talking about something... and then the same subject came up on a television show I watched online... and then again in a different way on a different show. (To be fair I also read an entire Shakespeare play this evening, so don't judge me too harshly.) So because the same subject came up so very often today I thought I would talk about it.

Melissa and I were talking about Brené Brown's book. She is reading it and recommended it to me. I know of Brené Brown from a couple of TED talks that she did that I love. (I blogged about them here.) Melissa and I were talking about communication and being yourself and being straightforward and power dynamics and the lack of power dynamics. And that got us on the subject of admitting ones needs/wants/desires.

There is something in us, and I'm not sure if by "us" I mean "Americans" or I mean "human beings," but there is something that feels like we should not admit what we want or need. That somehow, by being honest about who we are, we are displaying weakness and declaring ourselves pathetic. No one wants to be thought of that way and so we hide our wants and desires. We don't share what we actually want, deep down, because we are afraid that we will be judged for it -- labeled as "needy" --or we will be told no and that will hurt.

So we bottle it up and tamp it down and generally try as hard as we can to avoid being vulnerable. Brené Brown says that vulnerability is essential to living a full and content life, though, and while I've not read her book I do greatly agree with those TED talks, so I've put her book on hold at the library.

Then I was watching Hart of Dixie, (because I'm totally hooked even though I wouldn't call it good television by any stretch of the imagination.) And the theme of the episode was romance... and how romance is about the willingness to take a chance and be a fool. It's true... love and marriage isn't about being cool, it's about being silly and being real and being ok with all that. At one point the main character says of a fifteen year old kid that he is tough, that expressing his feelings took guts, and she tells him that he is braver than most grown men that she knows. Again: vulnerability is hard but it's commendable and something to be respected.

And then I was watching Go On which is that widower show that I've mentioned a few times and the main character had an old friend from college come visit, and through the course of the episode he discovers that he has feelings for her (though he's not ready yet to act on them) and at the end they talked about it and she is really honest/vulnerable and admits that she has feelings for him, too (and has since college) but they can't date, because she knows he's not ready and she doesn't want to be "the first" after his wife.

That last part kinda slayed me... cause 1) it was so cool that they just talked about it, straightforwardly. --Ach, to just talk about romantic feelings as though they aren't something to hide from or be ashamed about.... that's my dream world! But 2) because she didn't want to be first.

 I think that's a real thing that people get concerned about with widows/widowers... and if I'm gonna be honest about my needs/desires: I want to date, I want to get married and I want to have children... and I really want that all to happen relatively soon. I'm going to be 30 next year and my biological clock has been primed for five years now... but for any of those dreams to happen, someone has to be the first. And if there isn't (at least) a first then I won't get any of those things... And that is a dream that will very much hurt if I'm told no.

And I am afraid to say it, for fear that it makes me sound desperate (when I'm really not) or unhappy (which I'm also not) or trolling for a husband (still, not.) But if you can't be real on your blog where can you be real?