Christmas Mobius

Why you crying, there, pretty girl?

Cause I'm alone and lonely and afraid it will always be this way.

I cry because it hurts.

I love the holidays... that's why this is so hard.

In a lot of ways Christmas is worse for me than Valentine's Day. Some people don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Some people hate Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is easily avoided and often people celebrate it on days other than *the* day. Plus... I've just never loved Valentine's Day... it doesn't matter that much to me. It's harder to get upset over something you just don't care about.

That isn't true of Christmas... I *love* Christmas. And Christmas is for celebrating with the ones you love. It's all about family. And there isn't a time in the world that makes me feel more left out and alone, because I had my own little family, and it's missing now... and I still mourn for the family I haven't gotten to have. Right now I should be wrapping presents for my children and posting Christmas photos on fb, but I fear I will never get that chance.

It's not that I don't have family-- far from it, I've been blessed with an abundance of family-- every one of which I love very dearly.

But no one else has quite the same family as me and that's just hard, cause someone is supposed to.

My sadness is just so complicated. It's a mobius ribbon... it all seems to makes sense and but it loops around itself, and if you cut it in half you just get a longer ribbon.

In one respect it's entirely about Nathan and on the other side it has nothing to do with Nathan- It's about not having someone to share the wonderful mayhem and havoc of the holidays with... but that leads back around to Nathan which leads me on a merry chase right back to where I started.

Alone and lonely and afraid it will always be this way.

And probably more honest than you really want to read on Christmas Eve.