I've noticed I'm much more prone to tears this holiday season.
Now some might blame that on how little sleep I'm getting of late.
Not gonna lie- that's possible. I left work early today because my head hurt so bad I couldn't think and I slept from 2:00 ish until 6:30 without any hesitation.
But I think what it really is, is that this year my heart is more vulnerable. Last year I was so guarded about it being the "first" Christmas... and I was so aware of the upcoming 1 year mark. So I just didn't let myself think about it or feel it. And I've always loved Christmas... but I just kept it shut down, cause I couldn't handle it.
I can handle it this year... but it still makes me sad. Christmas is not the same without your person. Have you listened to Christmas music lately? It's all about being with the ones you love (most especially the *one* you love) or missing the one you love. (...or Jesus. There's a goodly amount of Christmas music about Jesus, too. :) )
But Christmas just isn't as much fun without your person.
All the driving... no good without someone to share it with-- or to just drive for me, who am I kidding?
There is a lot less sneaking around-- which is also less fun.
I don't decorate because it makes me so sad. Nathan hated decorating a tree when we got married and slowly but surely I was convincing him that 1) decorating a tree doesn't take any talent. and 2) it is fun... But it's not fun when you are doing it alone. At least not for this extrovert. Plus you know what I don't want to see? The beautiful "our first Christmas" ornament that's hiding somewhere in my boxes of Christmas decorations.
And taking it down would be even worse, because even that has memories attached. One year I took our tree down on Valentine's Day as a gift to Nathan. He was so exasperated. :)
So maybe next year I'll be able to decorate. I'm not sure.
Last year I was just trying to survive. This year I'm *trying* to enjoy. But it's not easy, because there is nothing like the holidays to make you feel even lonelier than you normally do.
I'm sorry. If you ever want to do Christmasy things together, I am always game. I am not your person. But I am a person! ;)
ReplyDeleteOf course, you'd have to get out from the girl-eating pile of homework that has loomed over you as of late.
ReplyDeleteI haven't lost "my person" so I don't battle that part of the grief of being alone for holidays, but I definitely relate to most of this. Christmas is not my most favorite of holidays, in fact, it's a lot of hard work to find enjoyment and avoid emotional landmines. Praying, friend.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree more. Christmas was "our" time together and I miss it more this year, than last year I think for the same reason you mentioned. Last year was spent trying to survive through the holidays - this year I'm trying to enjoy it and failing miserably. I hope and pray that you find enjoyment in the holiday season, even if in a small way.
ReplyDelete