How it really is

Just so we are clear, it's not all doom and gloom. I'm not all doom and gloom.

The thing is that with everything I've been through, I had to learn to feel what I was feeling... and I had to be ok with whatever it was and whenever it was. And I talk about it when I'm feeling it, because it's very likely that later I won't be feeling that way.

But if I don't express it...  Well, it builds up. Just like a poison. Just like pressure in a volcano. Until it explodes. So I vent it off and I sound ridiculous and whiney and *very* sad. Mainly because I am at that point and time. But that's not really me. My base emotion is not a negative one. My main attitude is positive, and I'm normally hopeful for the future.

Unfortunately, I blog through the bad times. Blogging is how I get it out-- because I want to get through/past those emotions, which means it sounds like I'm constantly sad and dealing with hard stuff on my blog.

Plus who wants to read about the 3 hours I spent yesterday playing a Lego Harry Potter Wii game? That's boring as all get out.

And do you really want up to the minute info on my hair- (I somehow got it to hold itself up, and now I am afraid to move my head for fear it will fall. See now, isn't that the height of interest?)

I'm reading Brené Brown's book (The Gifts of Imperfection) and there is a lot of great stuff in it, but right now I just finished a section about "numbing and leaning into the pain." It's actually really great cause that's how I try to live. I try to numb as little as possible (everyone numbs things, but if you numb your bad feelings you are also numbing your good feelings) and I do lean into the pain though I never called it that before... because if you lean into it then you get past it, faster. At least I do.

Unfortunately for those of you who read my blog, my leaning shows up on here a lot. So I guess, what I'm saying, is, yeah, pray for me (and if you want to get specific- pray for a tallish, darkish, and handsomeish gentleman to sweep me off my feet.) But try not to worry about me too badly... I'm actually doing well... I think I'm in the healthiest place emotionally that I have been since Nathan died. I have silly crushes and serious crushes and super close friendships and regular type friendships. I've got plans for the future and back-up plans for the future and I'm overcoming a lot of fears that I once had and used Nathan to take care of for me. All in all, I've come back into my own.

Do I feel like something's missing?

Of course. Because something is.

But that doesn't mean I don't lead a great life. And it doesn't mean that I'm sad and mopey and miserable all the time.

Cause I'm just not.

Oh, and Merry Christmas. :)