Gilbert, Matthew, and Mocha

This morning I went into town and baked nut rolls with my mom and Pappy. Well, Pappy was more there for moral support... The nut rolls were *for* him, but he couldn't (and shouldn't) do too much. He's still hurting, "everyday."

It breaks my heart. I love him so much and I hate that he's in so much pain all the time. He's just like Nathan-- fiercely independent, even when he's hurting... but I recognize the sudden sharp intake of breath whenever he moves... And I want to be there, but at the same time it's so hard for me to see how similar things are with them. I'm just so torn.

I have a great wish in me-- that since I've lived through Nathan's death that my life's sorrows would be over. Surely that is enough for one person to endure? But I know that's ridiculous. There are still many and sundry pains and sadnessess waiting for me at unknown junctures down the road. My heart still has a lot of breaking to do-- if I'm lucky... because having a broken heart means that you have loved someone enough for it to matter.

When we got home I did a lot of sewing. I'm making two big projects for my nieces for Christmas- an apron and a car seat quilt (You tie it on the handle so it won't slip off.) I finished the apron today and I got a good bit into the quilt, and I watched cable for a while, but then I watched Anne of Green Gables, because I've had a hankering ever since I wrote my paper in my "Form and Theory of Prose" class.

It's such a good movie-- in part because it's my nostalgia at it's finest, in part because I identify so closely with Anne and Diana, and in part because it's just a good story.

I tell you what. You can keep your Mr. Darcys and your Prince Charmings. Find me a man who is a mixture of Matthew Cuthbert and Gilbert Blythe and I'll love him forever and ever. (And I'll admit I also "wouldn't holler if he were as handsome as anything!" to mix my movie metaphors.) But seriously, there is a sweetness-- a tenderness-- that Matthew, Gilbert, have that I'm searching for.

It didn't used to, but these days the movie always makes me cry.

I cry about Matthew, which I wrote about in a different blog. And I cry because I somehow convinced Nathan to watch the movie once, and after suffering through for a while he actually really liked it and every once in a while when Anne does something especially ridiculous it brings back his laugh to me. I can't recall his chuckle on cue, anymore... we are far enough away that it's hard to hear his voice sometimes, and having something that brings it back for a moment... Well, it feels good and hurts all at the same time.

There was once a time when I loved hot cocoa, but now that I drink coffee, cocoa always seems like it's missing something for me... the chocolate isn't as good if it doesn't have that coffee bitterness mixed in...

My life is sorta like a mocha.