It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

I was speaking to a friend of mine last night. (And lest you get any ideas, let me be clear that while this friend of mine is male and quite dear, he is also happily paired off.) We were speaking of relationships and the beginning of relationships and he was lending me a male perspective, which I always appreciate (remember-- though I was married, Nathan was also the only man I ever dated!) and my friend was advising me to perhaps be a bit more forward/obvious because it can be scary for a guy to just walk out on a limb. (And I can get so shy when I like someone that I know I send mixed signals.) And then he said something that finally made sense of an issue that often bothers me.

He said, "You have a lot of.... how to put it... self-assurance? You know you are awesome and kissable, and I think sometimes that might translate to guys as 'untouchably pristine' or confident."

Oh.

OH!

Is that why I don't get asked on dates or flirted with the way that I see happening to most girls?

Is that why, even though I think I'm reasonably attractive and have a pleasant enough personality and work very hard to be the best version of myself, I find myself so often unchosen?

He's right about the self-assurance... I know that I'm loved and that I can be loved. I believe that I'm a good person and worth getting to know. I know I'm smart and pretty good at a lot of different things... I even think I can be rather adorable at times.

But he's wrong about the kissable. I don't know that I'm kissable. I'm actually really adamant about a guy having to make the first kiss move with me... because I desperately need to feel that I'm kissable, and me making that move would prove nothing. I don't think that a guy would be super likely to turn down a kiss... and I need to know that something in me inspires the notion of kissing, not that he-- whoever he is-- is just along for the ride.

I don't want to seem "untouchably pristine" or so confident that I'm intimidating. That's actually the last thing I want. I *want* to be touched. I want to be loved, I want to be in a relationship with a person who thinks I am a person... who sees my flaws and my positive traits and accepts the bad with the good. I want to be in a relationship with someone whose flaws and positive traits I can also see and accept... cause that's what real love is-- when the drawbacks don't actually make a difference.

I guess... I know I'm a good person. I know I'm worth knowing. I don't know when guys are interested in me at all. I only know when I'm interested, and not much ever seems to come from that. And I don't know that I'm actually attractive. Whatever it is that makes a person "dateable"... I don't know what that is, and I don't know that- what that is- is me. (Just keep re-reading the last sentence and eventually it will make sense.)

Which leaves me rather at an impasse, I suppose... but now I know a little more about how I am perceived .. and knowing is half the battle.

...

GI JOE!