18 of 30

 Here's a blast from the past-- Something off the 30 things list!

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I think the reason why it has taken me so long to write this one is that this is a super hard question to answer... because I don't want to tell some story about how someone did something wrong to me. Bringing up someone's past mistakes isn't a good way to demonstrate your forgiveness for them. And also... This is gonna sound sooo full-of-myself, but honestly I don't have a hard time forgiving people, so it's not like there is one thing that sticks out in my brain as the hardest thing to forgive...

But when Kara was here last, we got to talking about something that I think is pertinent.

I think the most difficult thing I've ever had to forgive is Nathan leaving me.

And it was so hard because I couldn't even be mad at him. He didn't have a choice in the matter.

But still.

The one person in my life who had vowed to be with me forever left me alone to deal without him.  I mean if forgiveness is necessary because a person has been wronged.... Well, I've been wronged.

I've been stripped of the illusion of mortality that is supposed to last me well into my 40's, maybe beyond, and I know that you can't trust anyone... because even if they are worthy of trust there are things beyond all of our control.

And now I have to keep living in the world like I'm not aware of those two things.

So I had to forgive Nathan, or God, or the universe, or something, for making me the way I am and then taking it all away from me for absolutely no good reason.

And while I still struggle with the repercussions of the wrongness, I still think I can say I've forgiven it.

And that's 18 out of 30.