Do you ever have moments of paranoia? Where you have (from your
perspective) a really great conversation or time with someone, and then
you don't interact with them very much for several days (or a week, or weeks) afterward and you suddenly start doubting it all?
You wonder if it ever happened at all.
DID that old man in Wal-mart wink at me or did I just think he did? Did the other person have as much fun as I did, or did (s)he just pretend to? Did I say something offensive, or was I boring, or not interested enough in them, or have they just decided that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end? Or has something more interesting happened in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me-- no offense!
Oh sure, if you look at the bare facts they seem to indicate certain conclusion.
But since when did human interactions ever kowtow to logic or reason?
I'll take "Since Never" for $500, Alex.
I think this is why I like directness so much. I'd so much rather know where I stand than skirt around something and wonder and wonder and attempt to read between the lines and then wonder if there even are lines or if I just made them up.
It's kinda like the word "weird" for me. I look at it too much and I'm just sure that I've misspelled it. Still. Even thought I know I haven't... It's only 5 letters for Pete's sake! How can you over-think 5 letters? How much more straightforward can it get!? Yet, if I stare at it for much longer I start to wonder if it's even a word at all. Maybe that arrangement of letters actually means "snaggletooth" or "destiny" and I have no clue and no one will tell me, cause I should be able to tell. I mean, come on, isn't it obvious?
Problem is that I get to this place a lot faster than most people, I think.
And the worst part is that this paranoia is the strongest with the people I know the least.
The juxtaposition between the virtue of modesty and the attractive quality of confidence is a thin and exceedingly difficult line for me to walk... I mean if we are going to be honest here... Not everyone is gonna like me (Say it ain't so!) I am going to be offensive, or boring, or not interested enough in them. Someone will decide that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end. Something more interesting will happen in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me, no offense. And who the heck am I, to think that I deserve their attention just cause I liked spending time with them? Little full of yourself, aren't you, Renée? Land-a-goshen, just let them be and stop acting so desperate!
Did you see that? That is basically a direct translation of what happens in my head on a pretty regular basis...
You wonder if it ever happened at all.
DID that old man in Wal-mart wink at me or did I just think he did? Did the other person have as much fun as I did, or did (s)he just pretend to? Did I say something offensive, or was I boring, or not interested enough in them, or have they just decided that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end? Or has something more interesting happened in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me-- no offense!
Oh sure, if you look at the bare facts they seem to indicate certain conclusion.
But since when did human interactions ever kowtow to logic or reason?
I'll take "Since Never" for $500, Alex.
I think this is why I like directness so much. I'd so much rather know where I stand than skirt around something and wonder and wonder and attempt to read between the lines and then wonder if there even are lines or if I just made them up.
It's kinda like the word "weird" for me. I look at it too much and I'm just sure that I've misspelled it. Still. Even thought I know I haven't... It's only 5 letters for Pete's sake! How can you over-think 5 letters? How much more straightforward can it get!? Yet, if I stare at it for much longer I start to wonder if it's even a word at all. Maybe that arrangement of letters actually means "snaggletooth" or "destiny" and I have no clue and no one will tell me, cause I should be able to tell. I mean, come on, isn't it obvious?
Problem is that I get to this place a lot faster than most people, I think.
And the worst part is that this paranoia is the strongest with the people I know the least.
The juxtaposition between the virtue of modesty and the attractive quality of confidence is a thin and exceedingly difficult line for me to walk... I mean if we are going to be honest here... Not everyone is gonna like me (Say it ain't so!) I am going to be offensive, or boring, or not interested enough in them. Someone will decide that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end. Something more interesting will happen in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me, no offense. And who the heck am I, to think that I deserve their attention just cause I liked spending time with them? Little full of yourself, aren't you, Renée? Land-a-goshen, just let them be and stop acting so desperate!
Did you see that? That is basically a direct translation of what happens in my head on a pretty regular basis...
It's kinda funny. For most people paranoia is that others are out to get them. For me it's that they aren't out to get me, when I want them to.
Yep. It's like when you're dancing and having a good time, and then suddenly you start to worry that someone is watching you & you're dancing weird. You have to just kind of close your eyes and think "No one is looking at me, no one is looking at me, no one is looking at me...."
ReplyDeleteI just started leading a Bible study and this is what's in my head like EVERY SECOND of it.