Autumn and death

So Autumn is here... It's cold and blustery out tonight... and my thoughts are not taking me to a happy place.

Tuesday I was walking to class and went around the side of a building (not on campus) and there laying in the grass was a cat... which I assume was dead, as it didn't move. I don't technically know because as soon as I saw it and my brain processed it I threw my hand up to keep from seeing it. It really disturbed me.

The other night I went to a costume party and someone was zombie Steve Jobs... dressed up exactly like Steve but with zombie makeup, too. I just cringed... too soon.

There is a play written by a person in my class where someone is joking around about tumors and people having brain tumors. And it's just not funny. Maybe to the entire rest of the world, but... not to me.

I mean I know that we joke about death and heck, I'm the queen of the widow-joke and dark humor... and I know we make light of it because it's scary.. because we are scared of it. But everytime I hear about someone being sick my mind automatically goes to the worst place... especially the sick that doesn't go away within 24 hours. Internally I start freaking out. Cause I can't un-know. I still don't understand what makes your body suddenly start to get sick. One moment you are fine and the next you are deathly ill. How does that happen? A broken arm I get. The flu I understand... something that is germ or pathogen related, yes. But a normal- very healthy body that just up and decides to stop functioning? And there is nothing you can do to prevent it and nothing you can do to stop it. You want to talk about a real horror film? Go to the oncology floor. Because if you are there... if you really *get* exactly how close any of us is at any moment from our bodies suddenly and inexplicably turning against us... that's real fear.

I hate death. I hated that Steve Jobs costume... I hated it. Because Nathan is dead, too and it isn't funny.  Steve Jobs had cancer. Nathan had cancer. Steve had a wife and a family, and someone who is missing him dreadfully right now. So did Nathan... so does Nathan. And less than a month later...

It's so easy to be callous.

I know the guy who was dressed up like Steve. He's a great guy, actually. And probably in a couple of years I won't be so sensitive and I will be able to appreciate the humor... but I don't think it's funny, yet. It just hurts and I want to gasp, throw up my hands, cover my eyes, and walk as fast as I can through the wet leaves.

Coffee has ruined hot chocolate for me

It's true

I will never again be able to experience hot chocolate and be satisfied. I will always and forever want it to have some coffee in it.

In other news the peppermint Hot Chocolate at Mc Donalds should be delicious to any one who doesn't love coffee as much or more than me.

When is Mc Donalds going to have the custard pies again? I love those pies. I always think it's the pumpkin pies that I love, it's not. The pumpkin ones are gross to me... it's the custard ones... with their rainbow sprinkles.

Also if you live in Springfield, hie thee to the Aviary and have the "Is it Fall?" dessert crepe. They say that it's dusted with magic on the menu and they are NOT lying.

Why don't more of my friends want to go to the Aviary every day??

I love being a part of a group of people who love something to the point of obsession.

For instance... well... Jesus.

But ALSO

Macs

Priuses (Or as I like to call them, Pree-eye)

Starbucks

and as I've recently discovered: Chik-Fil-A

Ohhh but that's not the only song--- oh no! There is  another one!

I love it.

It was a great day. I smelled like Christmas, I baked weird cookies, I went to Small Group, I got to see Kara AND get an e-mail from her, I spoke to another friend online, and I remembered something... God can provide... and He will... one way or another.

Like a tween loves Beiber

I think it might be time to break out the fall slipper socks. They are these lovely thick wool socks that my mother in law gave me once upon a time... I think possibly before she was my mother in law. They are rainbow specked with a black base and they keep my feet warm but not sweaty like slippers do. I can't handle slippers because of the sweaty feet factor. :s Eww.

Three things in my life were constant when it came to my mom while I was growing up: Magnets, Iced Tea, and Slippers.

I barely own any magnets, I like tea but almost never make it... in fact I melted my tea pitcher.

See? It now has two pour spouts and the lid doesn't fit on it... Turns out they actually mean it when they say don't put it in the dishwasher. Who knew?!?

And I actively dislike slippers. But I've never liked having things on my feet... my feet get really hot sometimes. Have I told you about me and footie pajamas? Back when I was an adorable tyke my mom had to cut the feet off my footie pajamas, because if she didn't I would unzip them and take my legs out of them during the night. So in the morning I'd be walking around with just the arms in my pjs... like I had a long sleeved, foot-ied cape. Suddenly this sounds like a story in my Early reader... I should probably add a chapter.

PS I stepped on a needle and poked a hole in my big toe when looking for my camera to take a picture of my melted tea pitcher. I hope you appreciate the lengths I go to for you. I knew I lost a needle yesterday. Oh well, at least I stepped on it and not a guest of my house.

Guest of my house. Who talks like that?

me.

You know what I would really like to find, but have pretty much given up on? A white sweater with little tiny rainbow flecks. Basically a funfetti sweater, like the one the girl is wearing here:

Also pictured: Actual funfetti.

I know- not the greatest of pictures: Here's another that I found:

Also pictured: Ginormo belt and tree stump

It's a pretty 70's thing I think, but come on-- It's so me!

It's also very hard to google... which means it's hard to find in real life, too. But I love it. I love it like a tween loves Beiber.

And that's saying something.

Senior-itis

Today I finally got to wear my birthday boots and my long sleeved jackety-shrug thing. It was fabulously exciting... it might have been a bit early for the boots, but I had to wear them! I've been waiting for a month!!

I've told you I like to smell like fall, haven't I? Well, I have a confession to make... that I may have already made but I'm going to re-confess, if so. I like to smell like fall... I like to smell like fall so much that I use a home fragrance oil made by Bath & Body Works as perfume. I'm not even kidding. I know this is totally odd. It's called "Leaves" -though I would contend that it doesn't smell like leaves.. or at least not just like leaves. It smells sooooo good. So, if you are around me and you think, "My, I smell pumpkins and firepits and cinnamon and fall. What could that be?" 

It's me.

Plus I read somewhere that men find pumpkin pie smell attractive... so that kills two birds with a single stone. Attractive to them and comforting to me. No joke. Pumpkin pie. Check it yo.

You know what's weird? Seeing someone you used to have a crush on. I had this experience a while back. I had a crush on this guy a long time ago... and then I ran into him and it was surreal. Let me just say, that when I crush I'm all in. I turn all of my impressive arsenal of detail noticing to 11 and I focus. I focus like it's going out of style. Then eventually the crush wanes and I move on... but not before I have committed every gesture, every facial expression, every mannerism to memory. Which is fine if you never see them again... but if you ever have a conversation with the guy, let me tell you it is weird, because all the things you'd forgotten that you once noticed, you now see and, boy howdy, is it distracting. You suddenly feel like you are in an episode of the Twilight zone, and you can't even carry on a decent conversation for the level of meta your brain is undergoing.

I missed the 29th. Last month for the first time, I missed the 29th. It was a day that came and went without my noticing... It might have been because the week before was so hellish, or it might have been that I was distracted, but I missed it... and I don't feel bad... It's not like I don't miss Nathan, or think of him every day... but I don't want to have dark days. I don't want to have days where I feel obligated to be stuck in sadness. I missed the 29th and honestly when I realized it, it was a bit of a relief.

People are starting to forget, I've noticed. People are starting to forget that their lives have been touched by death... I mean sure, the people on the fringe have been forgetting for a while, but friends are starting to forget. Young people joke about dying because it's so foreign a concept- something that only happens to the elderly. And we are starting to slip back into that mode... I don't mind it, except that in some ways it makes it all feel like a dream. I could barely believe sometimes when Nathan was alive that he'd chosen me... and now without him here as proof... it's so much easier to feel like it was a dream.  So much of me and who I am was invested in Nathan... so much of my life and my time was invested in him, and sometimes it makes me scared of wanting to invest in other people. If I put all my time investment in one basket what will happen if it doesn't work out, or if we stop being friends or heaven forbid, someone else dies... I just realized I've got senior-itis (what high school seniors get during spring semester)... only it's about the life version... and I'm only a freshman.

Baby Blog Post (as in a blog post that is small, not one devoted to the subject of babies)

I find myself wanting to watch wintery movies, even though it's not even Halloween yet.... I'd want to watch autumn movies but so many of them are so depressing! Seriously, the first two I can think of that aren't Halloween or T-giving movies are Autumn in NewYork & Stepmom. And I'm never going to watch those movies ever ever ever again. Oh yeah, then there is Sweet November (another cancer movie) and Dead Poets Society... Seriously it's not a fall movie unless there it's about a holiday or there is a death. Boooooooo. Symbolism needs to get shot in the foot. Ugh. I'm bumming myself out. Add to that, the fact that Glee is a repeat tonight and I think I need to go do some laundry, make some brownies, watch Gilmore Girls and make some Halloween costumes.... Or maybe Bridget Jones...I know Kara is next door... I can hear her. (She is the one who owns BJ.) Bridget Jones isn't depressing- there are turkey curry buffets and reindeer jumpers!.... ooooh or Polly... everyone (should) loves Polly!

This one's for you, Yawn.

My aunt says she misses my blogs... I'm not sure if she is ok with me mentioning her name on my blog so let's just say she is named after something that you call a morning and it rhymes with Yawn.... as you may be able to tell from my hints I don't think she'll mind. So here ya go, Auntie Dearest! *wave*

See the problem is, I got a new video game... and it's highly addictive. Add this to the fact that Nathan has been on the new desktop a lot to set it up and type his paper (He's done with his coursework, now!! "Just" a thesis to go!) and you get a girl who is slacking in the blogging department.

So I've been walking in the mornings with my dear chum... whose name is kinda like a measure of gold, only without a "t" and rhymes with Sara. This is the third week I've been doing it. The first week we walked every day (Mon-Fri) except for the Wednesday. (It was after Nathan's party and I managed to get a horrible crick in my neck and only got 3 hours of sleep so I had to beg off and catch a few more winks) The second week we walked Mon and Friday, as my pal- Let's call her Miss Molly, had to be out of town and then this week we will walk every day, except tomorrow cause Nathan and I are going to St. Louis. I am proud of Miss Molly and I. It's not Cross Fit by any stretch of the imagination, but it is the most consistent exercise I've done for about a year. I like walking.... mainly because it's exercise I can chit-chat during and at the end I'm not sweaty... I really hate being sweaty. ugh. But you wanna know the kicker? We walk at 7 in the morning. See! You have to admit you are a little more impressed, now. I hate mornings! You see Miss Molly doesn't want to run into a ridiculous about of campus traffic, so we go early to beat the hoards of swarming college students. It's early but at least I don't have to worry about people eavesdropping on our fabulous conversations! I don't know if I've actually lost any weight... I probably should have gotten on a scale/ should get on one... but even in weight loss I lack ambition... Nathan and I have sworn off "The Cup" for 2 weeks... ok, so mainly it was me, and Nathan said, "I don't know if I can promise that." But that was pretty much cause we were spending way too much money there rather for any true dietary concerns.

The last few days have really got me to thinking about everything that we went through last year. There are just so many things that people can't understand unless it happens to them.... There are so many thoughts that you never want to face, so many conversations that no one should ever have to have, and so much miserable stuff that you just slog through... And then you find yourself looking back one day and saying.... 60 days? He was in the hospital for 60 days? And you become super aware of the leaves changing color, because he wasn't here to see them at this time last year. And really excited about Halloween costumes, cause you weren't really interested in them last year, and you tear up the first time he takes out the trash for you...  And you are just so incredibly grateful for every single moment, because while you may not have lived the worst that could happen, you have had to face it.... and boring is such bliss. Now, feel free to go kiss your babies (fun-sized, adult-sized, or pet sized) after my incredibly moving soliloquy. Heck, go kiss a stranger... but only on the cheek like an overzealous 80-year old Irish man in a pub rooting for a sports team... and ask them first... cause I imagine those dudes give wet cheek kisses.

I Blame the Creeper Clown

This week I painted with oils for the first time since High school... The only thing I remembered about oils in HS was that they were ridiculously difficult to clean up after and they took a long time to dry. So I made a painting (Techinically this was a painting I promised for my aunt last Christmas and never got the chance to do) and I like it, but I realized something... I like to paint fast. I don't like to spend hours and hours getting things right, and while I appreciate the transparency that oil can bring, the long dry time and extra mess factor just aren't worth it. But that's ok... maybe I'll have a oil, "blue period" someday and be really glad I have those paints around.

Nathan and I have decided on costumes and ordered a pattern for his. I can't tell you what the costumes are because I have enough of a theatre background that I think your character should remain a secret, but I'm quite excited... It's gonna be ambitious and there is a chance of failure, so I gotta get cracking on them now so just in case I can't pull it off, I will have time to re-imagine. And when I say "now" I mean after this weekend. Sorry to fill you with curiosity, but I had to say something!

Nathan's parents are coming up tomorrow to visit. It's a short trip because they need recouping time before heading into the work trenches on Mon, so they are gonna head out Sat. evening. But I think it will be fun. We are gonna do a corn maze! I have loved Corn mazes since I came to college and Nathan is the same...  It's odd that I left a place so rural only to discover corn mazes in the "big city." But I suppose it makes sense. Corn mazes aren't very practical... They tear up your field and you don't get your whole crop... But if you can get a bunch of people to come out, then it makes a lot more sense... I don't know that you could draw a big enough crowd to make up for the losses back home.

I've been kinda blubbery today. Nathan told me about a friend of a professor who has been praying for us since last year and I teared up. I saw a website today with a bunch of weekly pictures of a pregnant lady and notes to the baby from the father, and I shed a few tears, and then I watched Project Runway and the contestants' moms came to visit (and son, in one case) and I seriously went through 4 or 5 Kleenex. I mean yes the contestants were crying, but I don't know their moms! There is something about seeing other people cry that just gets me choked up... that and sympathy. I can be super strong and not shed a tear on my own but if someone looks at me with that face,

You know, This face... only without the hobo clown make-up that creeps it up.... or that other creeper clown who is staring at me as I type this caption...

 or says something to demonstrate that they understand... it's my undoing. Or talking to my family... If something happens and I have to talk to my mom or my sister about it I'm pretty much a basketcase for at least an hour or so afterward. Seriously. There were a couple of times last year when I made Nathan call my mom cause I just couldn't handle breaking down. Have I mentioned how my husband pretty much deserves sainthood? ...Except I sincerely hope to never see his image in toast, tea leaves, bread or any other edible.

 Seriously. You are Catholic and starving cause you missed lunch, and you use up the last of your bread and cheese to make a sandwich, and just as you sit down to a steaming grilled cheese you see the image of the Virgin Mary looking up from the golden brown center of your delectable toasty, melty, scrumdidliumptious sammich. What do you DO?!?

That's a problem I never want to face.

I went back and looked at that clown picture again.. and I can't get over creeper clown. He looks like someone you'd see looking in your window in a Halloween Horror film. And then the other two clowns that are in the background of the top of the picture... the one on the right looks like he is laughing about his evil plot to take over the world and the other one looks like he's hungry.. but that might be because it also looks like he has a window in his stomach and that can't be good for digestion. I think it's the white face paint... white face paint only looks good on Geishas... and even then it's still mildly creepy.

Ach, the things that Thursday nights bring you to ponder are things like no other night brings.

No Leukemia!

I wanted to entitle this post "A Haunting in Missouri" but was afraid people would click on it to actually read about a haunting, and then would get mad at me cause it's not about a haunting... but I'm sure I don't care too much about what people think... noooo, not at all.

Well I have great news. We got the results back from the crazy long day last Tuesday and Nathan is still 100% leukemia-free. Now we have planned a party to celebrate Sept 28. It is called "One Year of Kicking Cancer in the FACE" Party. Not that we in any way feel strongly about it.... :) You can come if you are in Spring-town on the 28! I have to admit, I didn't want to make any solid plans until we heard back from the biopsy results. Perhaps it's a little superstitious, but I'm just so aware of how quickly and easily the rug can get pulled out from under you, and it hurts to have your heart set on one thing and to not be able to do it. It's so hard to believe it's been a year... and I can't believe it's only been a year. Time ceased making any kind of sense a while back.  But it's slowly making it's way back... I can see bits of "normal" here and there. Nathan takes out the trash sometimes, and sometimes he gets me a drink, and I see the "I feel like crap but I'm putting on a brave face" face a lot less. (Granted they did just lower his prednisone dosage, so this has been a bit of a rougher week.) Having that port out... it means a lot to the both of us.... I think I'm nearly as excited as he is that he can now reach above his head with his right arm. Being able to just hop in the shower... You just don't know what it's like until you can't... I don't even know what it's like, I just have an idea. There are just lots and lots of little things that I'm treasuring in my heart everyday.

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy fall as much as I can, as I missed it last year. I'm contemplating Pumpkin Harvest Cupcakes from "The Cup" (pumpkin cake and cinnamon butter cream....mmmmmmm). I'm admiring Nathan's newest fashion love (a dark brown jacket we got him last weekend). I'm planning a Corn Maze Trip for some point in the next month or so. I'm ready to see those leaves turn colors and to feel the bite in the air. Perhaps I will even begin thinking of fabulous costume ideas soon. You know how I love a good costume... well, perhaps you don't, but let me tell you. I *LOVE* costumes. Seriously. Things I love in life: Nathan, family and friends, costumes, reading, and rainbows. That pretty much sums it all up. One of the reasons I'm excited to have kids is all of the adorable costumes I can create... Plus then we can do FAMILY costumes! (I would like to reiterate how perfect my husband is for me. It's so nice that he loves me enough to let me dress him up every year.)

Last year on Halloween my aunt, Dawn, was visiting and we were in the hospital and we got on the elevator and there was a nurse dressed up in the old school nursing outfit... Like all white, hair bun, pointy hat with a red cross on it. old school... I wanted to ask if she was in costume or if that was normal attire, but I didn't want to insult her, like if she was about to get pinned (I think that's what they call it when you become an official nurse) and was paying homage to the long and venerable history of nursing. But seriously how great would it have been if she wasn't a nurse and just worked in billing or something... Anyway, Dawn  was having all the same thoughts as I was, so we couldn't look at each other as we rode the elevator and as soon as we got off and the doors closed we started talking about it... we decided we much preferred to think that she was not in fact a nurse... But the truth is still a mystery... was it a costume, a nod to tradition, or a time warp inside that elevator... it haunts me, still.

Today, I bought toilet paper just because it was Susan G Komen for the Cure, toilet paper. I figure there are worse reasons to buy things. And there were no stupid bears on the package. Then I bought Kleenexes in boxes that weren't those horrendous marble-y designs that they haven't changed for 10 years. And then I bought "marble loaf cake" and thought of you, Amber. So to sum up: Curing cancer is a good advertising slogan, and marblelization belongs in cake, not tissue box design.

Ok I guess I'm not really that haunted.

P.S. Gleeee! *squeal* *Muppet panic* *run into glass door and knock myself out* *wake up* *stand up and furtively look around* *fix hair and act like I meant to do that, while hoping no one noticed*