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3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

I don't know that this one is going to be all that interesting. I think I've talked about my relationship with my parents here and there plenty of times over the course of this blog, and it's not exactly like there are any skeletons to uncover. But ok, sure.

I love my parents.

I look like my Dad's side of the family. Bigger boned-- farm stock type. And my dad very much is farm stock. He's kinda the quintessential "strong silent" type. He is the oldest of nine, and one of my aunts said that my Dad was the one with the "kindest heart." This doesn't come as a surprise to me at all. I think he yelled at Rhonda and I less than ten times in the entirety of our childhood, and that was usually because we were flagrantly disobeying him and not picking up the living room even though he'd told us to 17 times.

As I said yesterday, his dad passed away when he was a few years out of high school and before that, Grandpa Waltman was on bed rest for several years. (Dad told me once that the doctors basically told him to do the exact opposite of what they would have told him to do today, but doctors only know what they know when they know it.) So Dad and the other older boys took over the family farm pretty early. He and the other older boys didn't go to college, which is kinda a waste, because my dad is actually super smart. I asked him once what he would have studied if he had gone to college, and he said that he was always pretty interested in medicine, so he probably would have tried to become a doctor. It's too bad, cause I think Daddy would have been an amazing doctor.

I think that's part of the reason why I really try to get to know a person before I make any judgements based on external factors... cause while it might be easy to assume my dad was a back-country hick if you only looked at the bare facts, he is actually uber smart, rather artistic, and very kind hearted. He doesn't drink, he never swears, and his work ethic is off the charts.

Dad reads those Uncle John's Bathroom Readers (huge books of random trivia) cover to cover and he remembers a lot. Also if you pick the right subject he can talk for a really long time about it. It's actually pretty funny to watch my good friends interact with him. He doesn't talk at all and then my friend will ask a question that he knows something about and he starts going and my friend's faces are so funny cause they were starting to think that he just didn't speak.

He also jumps around when he's into a movie as though he could control where the characters go with his body.

You know how I never like to make a decision? My dad is 10 times worse than I am. Even when told that the only person he is deciding for is himself, he will still say that he'll "go with the flow."

My dad is the main cook/baker in my family and he's good. He will make me coconut cream pie when I go home and it's *incredible.* He also made me my nail polish spice racks. That's kinda how Dad is... the love language he speaks in is gifts of service.

He has really big hands and he's really strong, and if I'm tired or I don't feel good I still like to go over and just lean on his arm. Once in a while he still calls me kiddo, and I will still call him Daddy on occasion even though I'm a big bad grown-up.We rarely say I love you to each other, but I know that he loves me very much, and the same goes for me.

I think I got a lot of my sense of humor from my mom. I can remember several different rides home telling mom some story from my day and the two of us busting up and Rhonda yelling at us, "That's not even funny!"

My mom is a city girl (Pittsburgh) transplanted to the middle of nowhere for love. She taught school in Kirksville for a year or two and then met my dad (one of my aunts was her roommate in Kirksville, and liked to bring girls home to meet her brothers.)  I think Mom was originally "intended" for my uncle who was closer to her age (my parents are 5 years apart) but she met the older brother and I think that was pretty much that. (It's not too surprising. I've seen old home movies of my dad from around the time I was born and he was totally gorgeous.... but I think that a girl's "type" is usually determined by her father so maybe that's not that big of a surprise?)

 I'm a little sad that I don't take after my mom more... she weighed 98 pounds at 24 (23?) when they got married. She couldn't even give blood. I think the only time I ever weighed 98 pounds was in like the 6th grade. However, I will say this for mom. She never mentioned/worried/spoke about weight when I was growing up... at least not around me. And I think that's a really big deal. I care about my weight and wish that I weighed less, but I actually think that I have a pretty healthy relationship with my body image and food because she never seemed to notice or care about it. I know a lot of girls whose mothers passed on a really unhealthy outlook on dieting and weight and I didn't really get any of that, and I think it's a huge blessing.

Mom and I have a very similar relationship with tears... in that we shed them, but we don't like it, and try to avoid them/staunch them as quickly as possible. When they dropped me off for my first year of college Mom totally bawled as they said goodbye the last time. I was shocked- not because I didn't think that she'd miss me, but because we just don't cry that much.

I got my crafty-ness from Mom, who was crafty before it was cool. We always had the supplies to do any sort of art or craft that I ever desired and if Rhonda or I ever really got into a craft type Mom would make sure that we had the supplies/instruction books to do it. Mom says she isn't artistic at all, but she really likes art. (I think there is an argument that she is artistic, but either way she's certainly very crafty.) I think she was kinda delighted that I turned out so artsy. Even if it doesn't pay very well, at least I can paint whatever projects she wants when I come home. She still asks my opinion on paint colors and interior design decisions even though I'm not there to be able to see the paint chips in person. Though I've noticed that she's stopped taking my advice every single time... hmmmmm. :)

Mom is also super smart. Smarts are genetic! Apparently when they were younger they could wipe the floor with people as a team in Trivial Pursuit.

I never really had that "rebellious" period with my parents... I was kinda always a goody-two shoes. I think my 28th year is actually the most rebellious I've ever been and I'm a full fledged adult by now, so I'm not sure it's the same thing. I think one time I did get annoyed with Mom asking me if I'd done my homework  once my senior year of high school and I responded, "Mom, I'm the valedictorian! Have I ever not done my homework?! I don't think you need to be concerned about this!" I think that may be about as sassy pants as I got.

So yeah... I think I told you more *about* my parents than about our relationship... but I don't really know how else to talk about a relationship.. Cause who you think a person is, kinda defines what your relationship is, right?

.... whoa... I think that was one of those super true insights into how I think that I didn't realize till I said it... is that true of how you think of relationships? Am I normal or abnormal?

I don't know that this post *has* a theme...

The thing is that when someone tells you that you look like a dark-headed Marilyn Monroe, you don't argue and you don't regret breaking down and buying a bathing suit that you technically don't need because you can't swim and don't really like the water.

Kara's also been saying lately that I look/seem like a Disney princess... a bad-a Disney princess because of the tattoo. But she says the tattoo is a bit Disney princess, too.

She gives the best compliments.... either that or she knows me well enough to know what I think the best compliments are.

Probably both, come to think of it.

I'm in love with this version of "I Want You Back." It's a cover by The Civil Wars of the Jackson Five song.

I think this might actually say something about my personality.

"Renée appreciates cheesy-ness and "classics" but likes it best when they are reworked into something that feels both new and strangely familiar."

Ok, to be clear, I don't actually know if that's true about myself... I don't have that much insight into my own mind, but it sounds good, right??

So I just put it together. Because of the accelerated moving timeline, Kara is leaving on July 29th. The Miller "4th of July" festival is happening July 28th. The thing is I can't go home on the last weekend that my best friend and I live in the same city. I'm really sad, because it will actually be the very first "4th" that I've ever missed, even during cancer... but I need to be in Springfield. So, I guess I'll be going home a different weekend this summer.

Dang it. I hate messing with tradition. Someone get me a TARDIS so I can be in two places at once!

About Mother's Day... in a round about way.

I love blogging on Saturday night/Sunday morning, because I read all the post secrets for the week beforehand.

Today they are all about motherhood.

Surprise surprise!

Did I tell you that last Saturday night I sorta freaked out because I thought it was Mother's Day eve and I'd totally slacked off and hadn't gotten my cards?

God bless Google for reassuring me.

Man, what did they do before Google??

Right. Calendars... Good call.

Lissa's bridal/bachelorette party was tonight, and it was lots of fun. If I ever get married again, I'm doing one of those. I didn't think I wanted one on my first wedding, but now I've determined I was crazy for thinking that.

But anyway it was 50's themed and so I currently have on a slightly ridiculous amount of eye makeup, though I already took off the bright red lipstick.

Not gonna lie, bright red lipstick always makes me feel like an old lady, because I remember one time an old lady kissed me on the cheek when I was like 4 and then I had a huge lipstick print on my face. I think my mom made some comment about how old ladies wear too much lipstick as she was scrubbing my face to get it off, and apparently it's stuck because I only wear lipstick for costumes/shows. Elsewise I'm a full-on gloss girl.

So there you go. There's a mom story.

Also one time when I was little my mom had jury duty or something and Rhonda and I went with her and played with her calculator and the white deposit slips in the back of her check book.

It's apropo of nothing, except that it's a very old memory about my mom. Thanks for the deposit slips, Mom!

And when I was little I used to love laying my head in my mom's lap at church, and she would stroke my hair or play with my ears.

You see I have to tell all these nice "mom memories" I have because instead of a sweet sentimental card, I kinda sent her a Mother's day card with a swear word.

...that repeated itself 3 times.

But it was too funny to resist.

I'm a sucker for a good laugh... which might be my mom's fault anyway!

Short like a Fox!

I have a meeting with the graduate advisor for the MSU English Department on Tuesday evening.

Hopefully that goes well.

Oh something that might be of interest to you. You all know how short I am, right? (If you don't, let me tell, you, I'm short. 5' 3.75" And yes the .75 is that important.)

Well, as short as I am, I tower over all the other women on the Carney side of my family. Grandmother, mother, aunts, sister... I'm taller than them all... it's a *really* strange feeling. When I was trying on some heels in Target I felt like a giantess. I'm also a good head and shoulders taller than Pappy. I always say I overcame great adversity to be as tall as I am.. and it's very true.

Let's just say that I come from a diminutive clan. Short in stature but large in heart.

Oh, come on, don't scoff at me like that. Let's say it.

It makes me sound like I'm related to the Ewoks and that's like the coolest family reference ever... I bet they'd let me be a GA if I told them I was related to the Ewoks.

That should totally be a question on the application.

Check all boxes that apply:

Can claim familial affiliation with:
☐ Native Americans
☐ African Americans
☐ Ewok Americans

If you checked the last box: Welcome on board, you adorable thing, you!

Just a taste and nothing more.

I'm really close to my grandparents on my mom's side. I mean I love all my grandparents, but Pappy and Grandma Carney (aka Grandma) are the ones I'm closest to. There are several reasons for this, but the largest is they moved to MO when I was 5, lived with us a year and then moved to Memphis so Rhonda and I stayed with them all the time growing up. Especially during the summer for me, because of all my plays. 

Pappy turns 80 pretty soon and I'm going home to see him/the family and I'm very excited.

But that's not why I write this post. I'm writing it because I'm sad and a little scared. Grandma's eyesight has gone downhill really badly. She basically can't see anymore, so Pappy's been taking care of her. But here recently he's not been doing very well either. He had heart surgery a few years ago. Which is scary/hard enough, but recently he's hurt his back and he keeps re-injuring it. And I'm scared every time I hear something new.... or something old that's flared up again. I'm all too aware that people you love can die... And that is really hard, still... I'm scared to death of mortality... and now I'm really afraid that something is going to happen to Pappy and I'm going to have to deal with it alone. This might be my number one fear at the moment. How am I supposed to deal with this heartbreaking thing without Nathan? Without someone. Someone to be there with me- to hold me and let me cry and tell me he loves me? Without someone to drive the 5 hours so I don't have to do it on my own.

OK, maybe I can do it on my own... but I don't want to... I really don't want to.

And how selfish does that sound?

but I loved that partnership... I loved taking care of someone and having them take care of me, and not having to keep score and make sure that everything is even at all times lest someone get the wrong idea.

and I'm still so afraid that I've had all that I will of it.

Just enough to know how wonderful it can be.

Just enough to miss it desperately.

Just a taste and nothing more.

Annoying

Kara and I were discussing something tonight and she told me I should blog about it... so I am.

Last Sunday, the sermon was about being a community- being the type of community God tells us to be. How we are to interact with with other. The main scripture reference was Ephesians, 4:1-6. The part of it that I'm going to focus on is just a small part of Tim's message so if you want to actually listen to the sermon it's at this link -And if you want to hear him talk about what I'm referring to, it's at 20:26. What I'm focusing on is 4:2- "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." In other words, "Be nice and lovingly put up with one another." We are supposed to do that because we are supposed to be an example to the world of what God wants for us all.

Tim told us that the word patience there can also be translated as "long suffering." In the sermon, he makes reference to how if you've ever been a part of a marriage, a family, or even a group of friends you know that there is a certain amount of "long suffering" and patience that has to be employed. It's not because we don't love the others, it's just because they are not us. I got annoyed with Nathan often. I got embarrassed by Nathan often. There were many times where I just wanted to throw my hand across his mouth to stop him from saying something that I felt was horribly wrong or offensive.

It's almost impossible to believe (or not so much) but I'm willing to wager there were things that Nathan also found annoying about me. I know he hated that I chewed my nails, but I'm sure there were a lot of other things that he just never told me, because I couldn't help it, or it would hurt my feelings... the same thing goes for my family. Rhonda used to hate that I would sing along to every song on the radio... and she'd yell at me for not singing in the same octave as the male musicians. I would get irritated with her over equally trivial things. But we put up with it, we get over it, and we ignore it- because we love this person. Because they are a part of our family.

Then I read an article the other day on Cracked, entitled "7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable" (Click for link, but beware of the language)

The article is based on the premise that people are more unhappy today and part of the reason why is that the number of close friends that people are reporting to have is dropping quickly and significantly. The article blames a lot of this on the internet, but I thought it was interesting that the first two reasons had a lot to do with the idea of "putting up with one another in love"

The first was: We don't have enough annoying strangers in our lives.

The author claims that annoyance is something you build up a tolerance to-- like Iocane powder.

What you do not smell is Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. http://www.redbubble.com/people/purplecactus/works/7602237-iocane

So the author says that the more we remove annoyances/annoying people from our lives the less able we are to deal with it when it does arise.

Makes sense to me, but then he takes it a step further with the second reason: We don't have enough annoying friends, either. Apparently before we all had the ability to filter out those who we found pompous or annoying, Americans as a whole considered themselves to be "happier in their jobs and more satisfied with their lives. And get this: They had more friends."

When people were just stuck with the people who happened to be born in the same town as they were, when they just had to "put up with one another in love" because the others weren't just like them, they said they were happier... Honestly it makes sense. It's a lot more gratifying to feel like someone who has nothing in common with you enjoys your company than to feel like someone who is practically your clone likes you. Of course clone-you is a fan... if they weren't, they would dislike themselves... but to get Joe Schmoe to like you, when you and he have no similarities?? Well that must mean you are something special. There is almost a sense of accomplishment in your friendship.

I guess I just find it a good reminder that a bit of annoyance every now and again is healthy for me... If you can get past the initial annoyance that they listen to different music or read different books, then perhaps you will be the best of friends. It's like germs... in large quantities very bad, but in small doses, beneficial to your social skills.

Plus I just sorta think it's so neat/cool/of course that God wants us to do something for Him that is actually good for us, too.  God can be so tricksy like that!

Fame- I'm *not* gonna live forever

So I think the world knows that Whitney Houston passed away on Saturday. It's very sad, though honestly it makes me think about how many other people died this week who didn't make the news... who lived smaller, simpler lives, who never took drugs, who never made millions, but who still touched the lives of the people around them... who made a difference... just not in that loud way that we know about celebrities.

They say that death is a great equalizer... but I'm not really sure that it is. Because I don't know who else died on Saturday... but I'm sure that hundreds of people did... who were far more important to their loved ones than some singer, no matter how talented she once was.

And I'm sure that Whitney was far more important to the people who knew her as a person than to the world who knew her as a icon.

I don't know that I want to be famous.... Fame seems to come with a whole lot of negatives... but gosh would I like to make a difference. I want to be able to touch people... to change people... to share something of myself that will last beyond me. Maybe that's an odd perspective for a lass of a mere 28 years, but I know better than most how little time we might have... I realized the other day that at age 13, Nathan could have said, "I feel like my life is half over already" and been right... And in a strange way I find that hilarious, because can you imagine an emo little 13 year old saying that? And can you imagine the reaction that kid would get? Rolled eyes at the very least. But that's the thing- we don't know what we have, or how long we have it, so we have to *live* today.

I'm a pretty direct person... I don't know if that comes from being an open book, or an extrovert or just really not liking to lie... but I think it's become a bit of a badge for me lately... because I don't want to waste my time, nor do I want to waste anyone else's time with stupid games or half truths or elephants in the room. If I'm honest and direct, then I don't have to have regrets. I've done all that I can do, and if it doesn't work or it isn't right, well it's probably not in the grand plan.

I just have to give it up. If I'm supposed to be famous... live a big life that touches millions, then that's what will happen.... but if I'm supposed to live a smaller, simpler life, and just touch those who touch me... that's fine, too. There was once a time I thought I knew the plan.... but I was wrong then, and if I tried to make a plan now, I'd probably be just as wrong.

Today is my grandparent's 57th anniversary. That's just as big of an accomplishment to me as selling billions of albums. I can only wish to recreate such a thing, someday.

I leave you with this Houston song: It was her last big release... and while it's not as flashy or showy.... I actually find it more relate-able and personal.

Chi-town Perspective

Went to Chicago today. Did a lot of fun things. Finally got to go to an Ikea... I loved that. I could spend all my money and my time there... and be very happy.... except for being sad that I had no more money to spend.

Ate at a couple of great restaurants and I now know I could survive in Greece... if everyone spoke English.

Also went to Willow Creek which is apparently one of the biggest (the biggest?) church in the country... and decided that I do not like big churches. They are great for some people, and I understand the appeal of being able to remain anonymous... but... I don't like it. I missed my own little church.

Also... I realized that while none of my friends would ever label me as a liberal- in comparison to a good portion of my family, I am. I mean I went to a state school... I didn't/wouldn't even consider a Christian college. I love Harry Potter and lots of other fantasy books written by people other than Tolkien and CS Lewis.

I love my family and they love me... it's just weird to realize how dissimilar we are in our world views. Luckily, I don't come from a family of judgers or it would cause problems... but it's like I'm a rebel, which for anyone who knows me is an entirely laughable statement.

I guess I'm just independent... which honestly, isn't something I'd have labeled myself last year... but I'm starting to realize doesn't make it any less true.

Kinda makes me feel better... as though everything that's happened to me hasn't really changed *me* so much as my perspective on myself.

So maybe Nathan would still recognize me.... and hopefully he'd be proud.

The last day of Christmas...

I write this to you from a couch in my uncle's basement- next to my cousins watching A Goofy Movie and singing "After Today" ... which we know all the words to cause thats just the kind of nerds... I mean ... awesome people that we are.

I asked if they wanted to say hello to you and they said no, maybe next time. Sorry. They are exclusive, apparently.

... (many hours later)

Ok, confession, I had to stop typing cause I got distracted by the movie and the cousins.

Gonna have to make this a super short blog post tonight cause it's already 3:30, and there is much driving and doing that has to be accomplished tomorrow... But yesterday was a pretty long post, so hopefully you will forgive me.

So I'll say goodnight.

But I wanted to make sure you know... I really love my family. Every single last one of them... and that's a lot of people!

A conundrum wrapped in a mystery and covered in cuteness

I knew what was on my list... why didn't I bring my Wii with me?

Oh yeah... because I didn't want to mess with unplugging and unhooking and then hooking everything back up again.

But now I have 3 video games and no Wii to play them on.

However, I also have a sweet new laptop bag (my other one was falling apart and had some hard memories associated with it), Season 2 of Glee, the last HP movie, and sundry other things.

I also have this fantastic picture of Jeriah

Yeah, that kiddo is a HAM. A 3 year old firefighting ham.

I'm glad I'm going to be able to know him when he's in HS and college... he's gonna be fun.

Tomorrow I'm sleeping in for the first time in a while. It's kinda bad when it takes you until 6 days into your vacation to get to sleep in.

I'm also going to be by myself for at least part of the day and I'm hoping that with that I'll find some time to write... I keep putting it off because I'm coming to a part that's going to be harder to write, but the only way to get through it is to just dive right in, right?

riiight.

Maybe my new Zelda music will inspire me. Yep, I can't play Skyward Sword but at least I can listen to Zeldian soundtracks....

There is probably a nerd recovery program somewhere out there that's calling my name. I refuse to hear  it though. I'm too much fun as I am... A conundrum wrapped in a mystery and covered in cuteness.

Buttercup, baby.

Sooo... my mom is having some medical concerns that I just realized I've not gotten clearance to make known to the entirety of the internet... so I won't tell you what's going on, but I will ask you to pray... I don't deal so well with family medical issues --even the relatively minor ones.

**edit** She told Facebook so I feel that it's ok to tell you: She has a really low iron count and they don't know why. She doesn't have an ulcer and they aren't sure what else could be the reason, but she had to go in today for a blood transfusion. While she is there they will do some more blood work to see if they can figure it out, and she has a colonoscopy scheduled for 2 weeks from now to see if that will reveal anything.

She blames the air in northern MO... or the Taliban.

I come by my sense of humor honestly.

**new edit. Her iron is up now and she doesn't need the transfusion... But they don't know why it's fluctuating so much either... I guess that's the new thing they will be looking into.

I got my critiques back from my One Act... some things suggested I absolutely disagreed with... most people were very complimentary and my teacher actually wrote- "So often writers become so dark with the subject (death), but your soul has this wonderful light in it. I think your perspective needs to be out there in this sad world."

Yeah. 

Apparently the good Lord is trying to give me a lift because that was the second round of seriously flattering compliments in a 24 hour period. 

Is it bad that I'm slightly suspicious that a piano is about to be dropped on my head in order to deflate my ego?

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby, just to let me down?

Yes, I did just call my Heavenly Father "Buttercup, baby." Hopefully He's chuckling fondly at me and my crazy antics, not preparing the smite.

Happy Birthday Grandma Twila

Stayed up far too late doing laundry last night... and then got up early for packing/traveling. I'm really glad that driving in the Prius isn't so bad.... but man did I get tired early tonight.  That said, I still have to write this here blog and shower before I sleep, so it may be a short post.

It's my grandmother's 80 birthday tomorrow.

Isn't that thing cool? That's all of my grandmother's grandchildren and great grandchildren (marrieds together) spelling out Happy Birthday Grandma Twila- 80. It was the brainchild of one of my aunts and I really like it. We are a crazy quilt of cousins-all 30 of us... holy jeepers, I'm one of 30 first and second cousins.. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my family? Cause I do. Every last one of 'em.

So I'm at "home" -technically at Rhonda's home tonight. Going to Memphis post-festivities tomorrow. Surprise festivities, so I sincerely hope my Grandma doesn't read my blog... but I don't know that she's quite that tech-savvy, so I think I'm ok.

I'm living on the edge, telling the internet beforehand. But that's just how I am- a risk taker. Wild and dangerous.. you know, me and my general wholesome-ness. (There is a reason that mothers like me more than their sons do, normally.) I have to say I get a seriously different reaction to the streak of color in my hair based on my local. In Springfield no one notices or seems to care and I get regular compliments on it. In Kirksville I had some askance glances and little old ladies who either eyed me with amusement or suspicion. In my sister's small town no one says a word about it but I get such looks! Meanwhile my niece and nephew think it's awesome.

Luckily for me, I think it's awesome, too.

Duck and run

Did I mention the professor of my writing class was in a creative writing class with Orson Scott Card and read/critiqued Ender's Game when it was a short story? Holy Crap! She just dropped that little nugget as an aside while talking about something else. Half of the class was looking at her with eyes of wonder and half of the class with eyes of wondering who "that Card author" was.

I got my picture book down to 798 words. Assignment was 600-800. It started out around 1300. I consider myself to be a rockstar.

On my father's side of the family there are 23 first cousins (plus 3 spouses and 4 children of cousins.) We are- in total- 49 (If we hadn't lost Nathan it would have been 50.) When can you be considered a clan??

Do you know that someday I could live on a street named Rainbow Drive? This only occurred to me this weekend. Isn't it a lovely thought, though?

You know the passage in Romans where Paul says he does the things he doesn't want to do and doesn't do the things he wants to? Am I the only person who feels like that even in not-important-and-not-at-all-spiritual situations? I want to exercise, I don't. I don't want to stay up too late, I do. Even in smaller matters. I want to talk to someone at a party. I don't. I don't want to ask for reassurances but I do. Over and over this happens to me. Is it just the human condition? Or is it something more/less than that?

I hate goodbyes now. Especially semi-permanent goodbyes. I end up avoiding them and then feeling like I missed something important... but the hugs are never long enough and the words never say enough and the bitter out weighs the sweet and not in a chocolate chip kind of way. Maybe its a fear of goodbye, or maybe it's just that a goodbye can never be everything that you want it to be.

Am I the only one, who when faced with a social situation in which I'm unsure what the other person wants, tends to duck her head and just run in whatever direction I'm pointed... And that "running" can be metaphorical or actual. This usually results in two possibilities. 1) being ignored or 2) someone greeting me or saying goodbye in a really amused tone of voice.

Apparently cowardice is funny.

Getting through the moments.. but without any grace.

The problem with family reunions is the driving that's required to get to them. Another long drive tomorrow. :s

The thing that's hard about family reunions is that there are so many people... Wyatt's lovely bride makes 49 people in my "immediate" extended family. And I love each and every one of them.. and I want to talk to all of them.. but I don't know how to spread out my time, because there are a few that I haven't seen for years... seriously- pre-cancer. And I want to talk with those people and catch up and spend quality time with them which is impossible in a group of 49 people. But that means that I can't spend time with all the other people that I also want to see but whom I've seen more recently... and I just feel torn, because I don't know where to go or who to go with and I try to be more equal opportunity but it never works out like I want it to. Plus... it's harder to talk to some of my family than others....  And I don't have a lot of grace... I'm the same awkward girl I so often am. Only now I'm awkward and grace-less with family. I'm glad they have to love me anyway!

I get so tired of answering the question, "How are you doing, now?" It just shines a spotlight on the fact that I'm at a wedding and my husband is gone... I just want everyone to act like I'm me. Ask me *what* I'm doing, not how. Or just assume I'm fine unless I'm crying or looking really sad.

Of course, I'm also more sensitive than I would be if I hadn't gone through it... so who knows, maybe everyone is treating me like normal and I'm just more comfortable around the people who don't really care what I'm up to these days. Come with me, let's just live in the moment. The moment is my friend. The moment is how I get through the moments.

Speaking of moments I should make sure that I get enough sleep to drive for 5 hours tomorrow, so I'll catch ya on the flip.

And in case I don't see ya, Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

The 4th of July

When I was a little kid this was my favorite holiday. I liked Christmas and Easter and Halloween, but the 4th of July was my very favorite holiday. On the 4th (well, really just a Saturday sometime around the 4th) my whole (Miller-side) family gets together.. Christmas we might miss sometimes... Easter and Thanksgiving, pretty often... but if you can only be there for one holiday out of the year, the 4th is the one. It's nice because there is more space for everyone... There is a swing-set and a inflatable pool for the little kids... and lawn chairs, a porch swing, volleyball, and air-conditioning for the adults. When I was growing up there was a trampoline, too, but a windstorm got it I think.

Too bad, I kinda want a big old trampoline again... it's a good work out AND lots of fun.

I'm really glad that miniskirts went out of fashion with Dawson's Creek.

Also I just found a bolt on the keyboard tray of my desk... I don't know where it came from but I'm pretty sure my desk might be falling apart.

I think that fireworks might be magic... Little bits of light magic. There is a reason why Gandalf brings them to Bilbo's party. There is a reason why wands shoot off sparks sometimes and fairy dust and vampires (now) sparkle. There is a reason that proms and teenage girls overuse glitter. There is a reason why looking at my sparkly nails makes me happy. Magic.

Going to Branson tomorrow for shopping and to see Bill and Paula again... should be quite fun, but as it's 2:47 I should probably go to bed.

Love you all, and Happy 4th of July!

Things to ponder in the morning

I never quite know what to say after the emotional posts... I think it's pretty similar to how I feel after being emotional in person... spent and hesitant of how everyone is responding to it... It's like coming out of a moment of total selfishness to remember that there are other people out there with other problems and gosh I hope that I didn't hurt anyone with my selfishness... and gosh I hope they don't think less of me because of it.

I think that might be the mark of true friendship... the people who really see your ugly, your bad, your flaws, and don't think any less of you because of them. The mark of family, too... and I think that perhaps those two aren't so unrelated as they might seem at first.

Youtube is down, apparently. How am I supposed to link funny videos or music to my blog with youtube down?!? Also why am I so tired at 1:30?

Things to ponder.... but maybe in the mornin'

My insurance man called me the other day... just to say that he'd missed Nathan's death but he still wanted to extend his condolences... It was nice... but I never know what to say to strangers who are solicitous of me. "It's hard, but I'm doing as well as I know how to do."

I just wanna be Polly. She had so many reasons to be sad, but she chose gladness. I want to choose gladness. Psalm 100:1a- Make a joyful noise unto the Lord...

Sister, songs, and squad

Spoke to my sister online tonight for about an hour...

The thing about sisters is that no matter how little you talk to each other, they still know you so well. There is so little you can say that will surprise them and once you grow past the age of trying to make them angry at every possible moment (and vice versa) the knowledge that is gained by having the same upbringing is invaluable. There are things about me that no one else in the world will ever quite understand the way that Rhonda does. She has been right by my side through some really hard stuff this year (literally), but she still sees me for exactly who I am and who I am not, not some construct that she's created in her own mind of who I should be. She doesn't push me but she's always right there if I need her, and I'm pretty well insanely grateful that I have such a wonderful girl to always have my back.

I'm almost done with the work on the game now.. just a few more hours of cleaning up text from what I imagined to what is actually possible, and I will be done. I've really enjoyed working on it, and I'm sad that it's going to be over soon. I mean besides the fact that it's just fun to say I'm working on a video game, I really enjoy doing it. I will let you know when I have more information to release.

Oh here is something to share with you all- A very cool video of a song spliced together from a bunch of Disney movies... I love it. And check out his other stuff, too... Lots of songs from nostalgic movies!

I've been going to bed at a far more reasonable time than had been my norm over the past month or so, so I think I will leave it here for now... Results for "Blogger Idol" will be out on Friday... I'm really curious to see if I made the cut or not.... and if there is a Steven Tyler lecherous old man judge... cause that would be kinda funny. I hope there isn't a Randy, cause for me for him I just think he's a'ight, dawg. Ya know what I'm saying?

In other news, who is surprised that all the contestants on "The Voice" who won America's vote the first time won it the second time? Not me. I really like the show but the elimination process is kinda whack.

Wiggity whack?

Nope, just regular type.

Father's Day, bossy legs, and one dang cute ponytail

Happy Father's Day!

Well, yes, I realize to that the rest of the world it's actually the day after Father's Day, but I don't count that ship as having sailed until I go to bed for the night. So, as I'm still in my pjs and still at the computer it's still Father's Day in my own little corner of the world. And I would like to take this moment to tell my two fathers (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure only one of them reads my blog) that I love them both very much.  Both of them are the strong silent type so it's not like we talk about it very often, but I think the world of them, despite the fact that I don't call... I'm just not big on phone calls... I'm like an 80 year old man that way. Still it in no way reduces my love for them, which is very great.

Ya'll really care about my hair, right? I thought so, that's why I'm going to tell you about it. Today I wore my hair in three low buns. All day long. Then this evening I got home, and took them out and put my hair up to work on computer stuff... and low and behold. The cutest ponytail known to man was born atop my head. And there I am at home at midnight with nary a place to go to show off my most majestic of hair-dos. And the really sad part? I can't take a good picture of it because it's on the back of my head.

 So basically I took a million pictures that ended up looking something akin to this... And trust me this does not do the cuteness justice.

And then I took this one, in which you cannot see the ponytail really at all, but my Aunt Dawn tells me I look beautiful... I think I look sleepy, but I prefer beautiful, so we are gonna go with that one.

Also my momma is in town with a family friend for the next few days, so I'm gonna be a busy bee this week... well, I've kinda been a busy bee lately in general, but it's not slowing down this week, apparently. Leastaways not till Thursday.

So... 7 ish hours of house painting... I thought my arms would be sore, but oh heaven's no, it's my legs... Dang is it my legs... You see all 5'3 and 3/4 of me had to hop up and down on a stool a lot to paint things higher than my head... and my legs are not used to stool hopping. They are vehemently protesting me today, but it was worth it. You can't tell me what to do, legs! You aren't the boss of me!

Ouch! Ok, ok, you can tell me what to do a little bit... Guess there isn't a stair-climbing marathon in my near future. There is no justice in the world.

Nails, Confidence, and Family

Today I went to the manicurist for my last scheduled bi-weekly appointment. I love her, and I will definitely be returning for special occasions and recommending her to anyone who asks, but I've accomplished my goal. I have my own natural nails that have been decreed "beautiful" by my manicurist (who also told me to never put on "nasty acrylics" again.) And I went for 2 weeks with these natural nails of mine and didn't bite them off. I think that means my habit is broken... I just keep thinking how proud Nathan would have been... I mean I know that it's really banal, but he hated that I bit my nails, and he would have been so proud of me for deciding that I was going to stop, finding a way, and doing it. And now look at them! It's a small thing, really, but it's a goal that I've accomplished that makes me feel good and pretty and happy.

I'm trying out a new thing... It's called confidence. It's hard because the world is so confusing. One shouldn't be proud, one should be modest and self-deprecating humor is so funny. People don't like arrogance, but at the same time you should be confident. You should be comfortable with who you are. You should be proud to be the person you are... just not too proud.  How is a girl supposed to keep all that in her head at once especially when it all contradicts? But all my life I've worried about what people thought of me... and I don't know that it's going to go away anytime soon, but as a combat to the worry, what I'm trying to do now is remember one important thing. I like myself. I think I'm just darling. I think I'm attractive and funny and smart and clever. I think I'm something special. One in a billion, a gal of epic awesomeness. And if someone doesn't see that or disagrees then the fault doesn't lie in me... it lies in them. And the thing is I have to believe this about myself now, because I don't have my cheerleader anymore to tell me so everyday. So I have to tell myself, and remember that I'm not like a bad audition-er on American Idol. I'm one of the good 'uns. I can blow you away with who I am. I just gotta believe in myself... me and Xenia on the Voice... (Is it bad that I'd rather just save all of Blake's team and kick off Christina's? I think I hate Christina Aguilera's personality. I like her when she is acting, but when she is herself I really don't like her...)

I just got an e-mail from my cousin Wyatt, detailing the hotel/lodge accommodations for the Miller side of the family for his wedding. Apparently most of us are going to all be staying in one building. I'm really excited. These make for the best family gatherings ever. I have a lot of very fond memories of the entire Miller clan in one house for Christmas... all the cousins in the basement getting really hyper on juju frogs, cheap cola and my uncle Walter's spicy spicy beef jerky of amazing. Making up a band called, "I Spit" and laughing hysterically. I love my cousins so much! So while I'm sad I will miss my HS reunion, at least I'm not missing it for something that I'm not going to enjoy. My family... well I just can't say enough how lucky I am to be a part of it.

Happy Mother's Day.... and then some random thoughts

My sister hates this holiday. She thinks it's a holiday that was made up pretty well for greeting card companies, and that it's really cruel to the people in the world who desperately want to be mothers, but can't, for one reason or another, and for those who have lost their mothers. And she makes good points, but I still feel like we need to have a day to acknowledge our moms, and honestly without a big hoopla of a day, there might be mothers who go unsung, and I think that might be just as sad.

So I'm going to continue to embrace the spirit of the holiday, and say happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there- in particular, my two mothers. I love you, both.

Less than a week until Nathan graduates.

I really missed him today. Something happened that would have had us in stitches for hours, but he wasn't here to laugh with me. I miss laughing with him a lot. I think a lot of things are funny, in this life, but sharing the funny things with others increases the humor, almost without exception.  I *really* miss his constant companionship. You may think this is really weird, but I find having a male presence around really calming. I know, I'm already pretty laid back... but... guys are kinda soothing to me... I think it's cause they are, for the most part, a lot easier for me to read- and I have an easier time assuming they like me. I have no idea why it's easier to assume that males like me rather than that females do. That's a weird little quirk to discover in oneself... huh...

Seriously, all my self discoveries happen this way. I'm just going along my merry way and then I say something about myself off handedly that I *then* realize I've never noticed about myself, even though I can recognize that it's true. And if it's in the midst of a group conversation I will pass it off as though I didn't just make a discovery, and later marvel to close friends.

Oh come on, I know I'm not the only one who pretends to understand things in conversation, when in fact I don't understand at all. Sometimes I start talking and then the understanding dawns on me and I realize how what I'm saying actually relates to the topic... and sometimes I just keep quiet or sound like a moron... My favorite thing is when I manage to make brilliant leaps and then I have to make up my way backwards if questioned as to how I got there. It's really exciting when you can pull that kind of thing off.

I think maybe I should take the Myers-Briggs again... I'm starting to wonder if my type has changed, or if I'm just more aware of my intuition... cause this is kinda the way I've always been, I think... but I suppose the MB test really is a measure not of our personality, but more of our *perception* of our personality. So I bet my answers would change even if my type really didn't change. Oh personality tests, I love you with a love unfading.