We can't all be Janis

Feeling better tonight. Went and worked at Starbucks for a few hours and was around some people... yep, still an extrovert.

Plus I was super helpful by writing a large portion of a game document for Ryan cause he was in the weeds and let's face it, being super helpful makes me really happy. Oh, btw I'm kinda helping out with a game again... in addition to packing, moving, cleaning, writing a book, and painting my nails.

Yes, painting my nails does count as it's own large thing that I'm doing.

Actually, believe it or not I've not painted my nails for almost a week. Remember the glitter tips I had last week? Well, I loved that glitter so much that I just painted my whole nails in it... and I'm still wearing it-- because you don't really notice chips or wear on the edges when it's glitter and they are so flipping pretty-- especially in the sun.

Trust me when I say this doesn't do them justice.

Seriously the only thing I want to do is put another coat of the same color on them. Who knew that the act of painting your nails could be addictive? I thought it was just the ever changing colors, but no, apparently I just find something soothing about doing the mundane task. Though my cuticles are a lot happier with their prolonged separation from acetone.

Someone linked to an article on facebook today that I thought might be healthy for me. It's called the Rejection Game and the goal is to get rejected by someone once every day. It apparently gets you over your fear of rejection. Huh. Makes sense, but I don't know that it's something I really want to do every day... now on the other hand if I can just view every rejection I do receive as a victory, or a point... seems like there might be something to that. Cause rejection means you are taking chances... and that doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

I've given myself until March 1st before I start packing. That's Thursday and I'll probably be pretty busy until then anyway... but also I feel like I can buckle down then. It's the beginning of the weekend- and I've got 2 weekends until I move. Plus it's hard to get motivated when I think that it's February and I don't move until the middle of March. Yeah, I know that's a bit silly but I don't want to have to live around boxes for a super long time, either... it's gonna be bad enough in the two weeks before I have the keys to the new place.

I don't watch the Academy Awards, but apparently The Artist was a big deal last night? I'd never heard of it until tonight, when a friend told me about it...but now I kinda want to see it, and not just because it makes me think of Singing in the Rain. But also because of these insane reviews.

Also the next time I'm with a group of people I want to play this game that my friend Janis talked about a long time ago on her blog (but linked to today on fb)

You can see her blog here... but don't stop reading mine because you discover how freaking hilarious she is.

We can't all be Janis.

Talking bout my generation'

Today for a while Tim and I got to talking about my generation (the millennials). Apparently he'd spoken to a friend who'd said that Millennials are the most socially awkward generation, thus far, because so much interaction can be done via text (phones, e-mails, the internet, ect) so we've lost.. or never had to acquire... the proper interpersonal skills. Tim disagreed and stuck up for us, saying that he felt like every generation has a way in which they are more awkward, and we are no worse or better than any other.

I appreciated it... but it also got me to thinking. I talk to people a lot. I was a Speech/Communication teacher, for goodness sake. I enjoy interpersonal communication, and I think I have reasonable skills at it. I enjoy conversations and one on ones with friends and small groups. I like the give and take, I like the conversational flow. And heaven help me do I like witty banter! But I am a writer and I really do enjoy expressing myself through text. There is a reason why I label myself as a textrovert. I like being able to edit myself to say exactly what I mean. I like being able to be witty without having to also speak quickly/correctly. And I like to be able to express my full thought without being interrupted.

Maybe this friend of Tim's thinks the Millennials are so socially awkward in person because we are so eloquent and savvy via text. Yep that sounds totally conceited- sorry. But really. Most of the solid friendships I've made since going to college have had a strong basis in text. (There are several exceptions- especially any friendships I made through Nathan.) But much of Kara and I's friendship-- especially the early years can be charted through notes written to each other. Every summer when I went home during college I had a person who I chatted with online for hours at a time. Yes, usually it was a boy, but text is good for guys cause they can express things without having to look at the other person which really helps them. And yes, Nathan was one of the people who I maintained my friendship with via words/the internet. Especially over the summer, but we regularly sent each other e-mails and texts while living in the same small apartment.

Now, with Nathan gone I find myself returning to the old ways. Of the 5 close friends I've made since Nathan's death, three of them are almost exclusively via some sort of text (e-mail, texting, IM-ing) and the other two have a large component of the relationship communicated through writing. And even Kara and I have taken more to e-mailing or chatting via IM, lately.

Oh and don't forget everyday I pour my thoughts out to you here on my blog... and add to that I'm also writing a book (6 pages today! Woot!)

But I don't see anything wrong with this. I've discovered that I view a person's internet presence as a stand-in for their actual presence... so Kara and I chatted for several hours and I get the same sort of emotional buzz as I do from hanging out with her in person. It's not quite as high, and of course I will eventually need to see her in person to maintain our friendship in the long run... But it's a great substitute.

I'm not sure that we give enough credit to IM/Chat as a viable way maintain a friendship.. but while Nathan was in the hospital, it's almost all I did... all I could do. I have a friend who I have described as being "with me" during that last week of the hospital. That took place exclusively via IM conversations. Chat is wonderful, like that, though. It lets you get into deep conversation because pauses are allowed, whole thoughts are shared, and you can express emotions but not have to pay them with your physicality... It's a lot easier to say, "I think you are amazing" when you don't have to watch the other person wonder if that means that you have a secret crush. (And if you do have a secret crush, it keeps alive the hope that the crush is still a secret!) Though, to be fair, the reverse is also true and a bit more dangerous. It's a lot easier to write, "You really hurt me" than it is to say it... which also means it's easier to say very mean things in text format than it would be to say it when you have to see their face.

Another positive about chat is that I can connect with people at 1 in the morning when I would never really call them. But if I'm online and I see they are online... well we can hang out cyber-ly without having to hang out in person which would be harder and in some cases, rather inappropriate. This is a huge bonus for me as a crazy extrovert/night owl.

I guess I just don't see a problem with being a generation that's more aware of/ focused on written communication. Maybe I am more awkward socially than the generation before me... but in my mind all this text and writing isn't the cause, it's my solution.

The end of an era

Well, it's over. After sitting down and watching the entire Dawson's Creek Disc 4 in a single marathon session, it's all over.

Sad thing is that I actually finished the show I was watching on instant queue today, too. So not one, but two casts of characters have now left my life. And I'm not happy with the way things ended.

I read somewhere recently that people who watch TV are less lonely because the tv characters start to feel like real people that you know and spend time with. They start to feel like friends (albeit really bad friends who are so wrapped up in their own drama it's like you don't even exist to them)

Maybe that explains why as soon as I finished the last instant queue episode this afternoon I immediately called Kara to see what she was up to and why this evening after finishing Dawson's Creek I directly went to skype to talk to another friend without passing go or collecting 200 dollars.

I haven't seen anyone in two days... I'm going a little stir crazy but I put away and did a lot of laundry today.

I used up a lot of Kleenex in that last episode... Can I still say that I'm not normally emotional even when it feels like I cry all the time in comparison to what I used to? I swear people who meet me now probably think I'm like this hyper-emotional yet totally unaware of how emotional she is fruit basket...

But I swear, my emotions are actually starting to level out... series finales not withstanding :)

I talk about food a lot, don't I?

I got my hair done today. I like going to the salon. It feels nice.

I also like picking up my dress for Melissa's (and Bill's) wedding. I have to lose enough weight by March to have it altered... ok so I'll just be excited if I lose enough weight by March to have it altered- there is no "have to."

I bought an individual serving of eggnog when I was at the grocery store tonight... and "cinnamon sugar cookie" coffee creamer... I might have to go make myself some coffee tonight just to experience that creamer. This is not an effective weight-loss plan. Nor are the Pumpkin Walnut muffins I also bought... but I repeat. Pumpkin Walnut Muffins.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'm wearing my fingerless gloves to type because my hands are cold. We are officially in the cold part of fall, kids.

On Sunday after 5 PM I have to call and see if I have to go in for a trial jury. :s I really hope not.

What is it about responses that are so paralyzing? Is it just me? Even when I have great critiques I find it really hard to work on my stuff for a few days afterwards...

I'm starting to get a little paranoid about my class. Everyone seems to love everything I do. It all seems a little too easy.  Or maybe they just all got the memo that my weakness is self-doubt so they are trying to bolster me up. How did they get the memo? Do you think there are secret e-mails going out behind my back?

.... on second thought maybe paranoia is my weakness.

I just realized that coffee would make my hands warmer... I shall return!

Coffee's not done yet, but I tasted a little bit of the creamer that splashed on my hands when I was opening it... that's gonna be happy.

I haven't seen anyone I know today. I saw my hairstylist a lot... I saw the lady at David's Bridal. I saw the cashier at the grocery store... but that's pretty well it. Makes me a bit melancholy.

Nothing a gallon sized mug of coffee can't cure, though, right?

By the way:

Happy Veterans Day. Thank you to all the brave men and women who have served this country, and God bless you.

I hate car accidents, they make me get up early.

I have an early morning, tomorrow, because I have to take my car to the collision center so they can check it out and order parts, so that I can (hopefully) take it in on Monday and they can fix it. Insurance agrees that it's the other girl's fault. I'm glad... though I wish this hadn't happened. Well, obviously. It's just annoying and sad. I'm getting Starbucks tomorrow morning to make my day a little brighter. I may even get the biggun'

My door pops when I open it and I wince and groan at it every single time I open up my door. I don't want to drive it anywhere... Basically all the things I did when I first got the car I now do in reverse. Oh Car why you so sad?

I read my picture book in class yesterday kind of impromptu-ly because we only had a few minutes and so the review had to be split, and everyone else's stories were too long to be read in 7 minutes. After I read it, I thought of a million things I wanted to alter about it, but you can't talk during the peer review. So I can't tell everyone that I've now noticed that it's not clear at first that they are talking about a little boy, or that I didn't mean to say moment in such quick succession and I'm cutting that out. Plus I've had to wait 2 days to hear what people have to say about it... and that's just nerve-wracking.

Oh peer review... I don't know how I can be so excited by you and so nervous about you at the same time.... oh wait, yes I do. I'm an extrovert and I want everyone to love me. Well that's solved.

Ok, enough chit chat.. have to be about quite early for me, so I must away to bed. Have a lovely bloomin' day!

Friendship

Have I talked about how strange it is that most of my closest friends are introverts? Even Nathan was, though he was good at putting on an extrovert mask. It's weird cause introverts are in the minority, yet I can think of 7 or 8 close friends who are introverts and 2 who are extroverts... them's some pretty stacked numbers!

I guess I just like a challenge when it comes to making friends? Or (closer to the truth) I like to be special and to be in people's elite circle, and extroverts' elite circles aren't very elite... or very circley cause they try and cram so many people into them that they turn more oblong shaped.

Why is that I crave being special so very much? Cause I do. It's like a drug for me or something. I think more than people's approval I seek the acknowledgment that I'm special... I mean I want to be thought of as special in a good way but... If all they think of me is that I'm different from most... well I'm ok with that too.

Here's something interesting/strange...This weekend someone said to me at the conference, "I don't get to help you through this at home." That phrase, simple as it might be, shocked me. "I don't get to." It never occurred to me that someone would want to help me through this. I mean, yes, obviously people want to help me through it... but that someone would see it not as a burden or responsibility to help me through this time, but as a privilege... Whoa. Talk about the love of Christ.

I think that people should be my friend.. It's only logical. I take care of my friends, and I'm relatively funny and generous, and I just really try to be a good friend and take their perspective on things and assume the best and be low-maintenance and low-drama. But that someone could want to help me when I'm not a good friend. When being my friend isn't easy. When being my friend is actually really challenging and heavy and hard. Before I've been a good friend to them. Before I've built up the relationship points with them that they have to submit to my "friend test." This is kinda mind-boggling. Not because people are inherently selfish or anything, but because I would never ever presume to ask someone who wasn't already my good friend to help me. Because I see this as hard and not something someone would want to pick up.... Because I work really hard to make being my friend the logical choice, but somewhere deep down I still think it's so hard that people wouldn't if they really knew what they were getting themselves into.

There's a self realization that only came as I typed it. That's why I ask for reassurance from my friends. That's where some of those trust issues come from. Because somewhere deep down I don't think people would be my friend if they really knew what they were getting themselves into.

There's no confidence like false confidence.

Duck and run

Did I mention the professor of my writing class was in a creative writing class with Orson Scott Card and read/critiqued Ender's Game when it was a short story? Holy Crap! She just dropped that little nugget as an aside while talking about something else. Half of the class was looking at her with eyes of wonder and half of the class with eyes of wondering who "that Card author" was.

I got my picture book down to 798 words. Assignment was 600-800. It started out around 1300. I consider myself to be a rockstar.

On my father's side of the family there are 23 first cousins (plus 3 spouses and 4 children of cousins.) We are- in total- 49 (If we hadn't lost Nathan it would have been 50.) When can you be considered a clan??

Do you know that someday I could live on a street named Rainbow Drive? This only occurred to me this weekend. Isn't it a lovely thought, though?

You know the passage in Romans where Paul says he does the things he doesn't want to do and doesn't do the things he wants to? Am I the only person who feels like that even in not-important-and-not-at-all-spiritual situations? I want to exercise, I don't. I don't want to stay up too late, I do. Even in smaller matters. I want to talk to someone at a party. I don't. I don't want to ask for reassurances but I do. Over and over this happens to me. Is it just the human condition? Or is it something more/less than that?

I hate goodbyes now. Especially semi-permanent goodbyes. I end up avoiding them and then feeling like I missed something important... but the hugs are never long enough and the words never say enough and the bitter out weighs the sweet and not in a chocolate chip kind of way. Maybe its a fear of goodbye, or maybe it's just that a goodbye can never be everything that you want it to be.

Am I the only one, who when faced with a social situation in which I'm unsure what the other person wants, tends to duck her head and just run in whatever direction I'm pointed... And that "running" can be metaphorical or actual. This usually results in two possibilities. 1) being ignored or 2) someone greeting me or saying goodbye in a really amused tone of voice.

Apparently cowardice is funny.

Waiting and Hiding

I wrote this on facebook, but I think it bears repeating.  Every time I'm driving and someone is driving on a road to my right (approaching a stoplight, stop sign, or yield turn) I flinch. I want to jerk my wheel, even though that would have done me no good in the actual accident. I just... cringe on the inside... and driving down Campbell today was... difficult.

Talked to the insurance today... they basically told me I need to wait. Because it sounds like it was her fault (oh, because it was!) it will most likely be filed under her insurance and my policy won't have much to do with it. But if she tries to pass it off as not her fault... which... I don't know how it could have not been her fault as I had no stop signs or traffic signals of any sort, and she had a stop sign she failed to obey.... but there were no witnesses and I'm sure her version doesn't match up with mine. But anyway if it's under her policy I need to wait- cause better to *not* pay my deductible if I don't have to. Right? Of course, right.

So now I just have to sit around waiting for insurance to call me and driving around my busted car, which makes me nervous. I mean it's working, but a mechanic hasn't checked it out... How do I know I'm not doing something really bad to it?

Hi, my name is Renée and I worry about a lot of things.... still.

I call it thinking ahead.

I like to point my feet towards each other when I'm standing up... It makes me feel really cute for some reason... What's up with that?

Sometimes at parties I get so caught up in trying to surreptitiously watch how other people are interacting that I forget that I am also supposed to be interacting... and sometimes... I pretend like I'm off in my own world, just so other people don't notice that I'm sitting off to the side with no idea how to interact with anyone and desperately trying to keep cool and act like I have this deep rich inner world when actually all I'm trying to do is pretend I'm not ardently wishing I was better at small talk.

I think I might have more pride than is necessarily healthy.

Above all else, avoid the appearance of desperation. I think that's my motto half the time. I can *be* desperate, as long as I don't look like it... Keep the desperation on the inside. It's safer there.

Miniscule

I'm so on a people high right now... I hosted a party for Melissa tonight, limited only in the number of people who can comfortably fit in my tiny apartment (We were actually a couple over "comfortable" I think.) But it was lovely. I hate the cleaning and the prep, but I really enjoy hosting things... Possibly because I love getting people together and hanging out and I'm most comfortable at my own place. Plus, Kara teases me, but I like to imagine my house really is a magical land where time seems to go away. If we can just get people laughing hard enough and smiling long enough, time stops. Sleepiness goes away, and suddenly you are saying, "Holy crap, it's one in the morning!" (I say, "you" because, even if I don't know it's one in the mornin' that isn't so late to me. :) )

My hair was cooperative today. I love it when that happens.

Yeah, I really don't have anything else to say. I'm just drifting along in a happy little euphoria. I think I'll go read a book.

Love you a bushel and a peck.

Will you stay with me? Will you be my love?

"Fields of Gold," I've been replaying this over and over and over. Not the Sting version, the girl version. Not sure why... Just one of those resonating songs, I guess.

I could karaoke the bejeepers out of this song... but they are only gonna have the Sting version at a karaoke place and that wouldn't be in the right key for me... I could still sing it but there would not be any bejeepers.

Someone needs to sing this on American Idol.. it could be their next "Hallelujah."

I just found out that Post Secret is hosting an event in Springfield. I'm so bummed that I have a church conference and so I'll be out of town. I want to go so badly I think that I would buy the ticket and just go on my own and, boy howdy, that is saying something! I never go to things on my own... unfortunately, I'll be gone. Springfield isn't a big city but I think I forget that it's not a small town, either. Some restaurants here stay open all night... and most of them stay open at least till 11 on weekends... in my home town if a restaurant is open after nine it's kinda a big deal. Every once in a while I realize that I drive down a 5 lane street to get nearly anywhere in this city and I think about how flabbergasted my younger self would be to know I'm totally comfortable with this. *insert witty phrase about life not being what you expected when you were young and naive here.*

I'm a baking fool, btw. Fear me and my baking prowess.

I need a bigger apartment... or a house... that way I could entertain the way that I want to, and there would be space for everyone. There is never enough space in my apartment.

I'm so glad church is tomorrow... I'm feeling starved for people... the Gilmore's don't count.

Kinda a random jumble of random, kinda.

I love love love blogging from bed. I didn't know how much I would love it till I did it, and now, lemme tell ya. I love it.

Been feeling super needy lately... people needy. Like I just want to hang out with someone all the time. I think this is why I baked cookies in college. Because then I could draw people to me by giving them something... the perfect plan.

Is it possible to just be a middle of the road computer girl? Is it possible to love my mac and want an ipod but still like my PC? I think it is from my perspective, but I'm not sure it is from anyone else's. I mean I'm gonna have my PC desktop for several years yet, so it's not like I will be switching over any time soon.. but  people are writing me off as a mac girl, now. What if I don't want to be written off? What if I just want to have a foot in both worlds? I don't know that I get a choice.

I really like smells. I know I posted about this on facebook, but I think it bears repeating. I really like smells, and I like it when people smell good, and when they do I try to compliment them on it, because honestly I like it when people compliment me on my perfume/body wash/whatever. I don't mean it to be a flirtatious move or something. I just want people to feel good about themselves, and I really do notice, so why not mention it? But maybe other people don't see it like that. I think complimenting someone on their smell may be a bit like winking... only certain people can do it without seeming like they are flirting. But I think I may just throw caution to the wind and continue to compliment people anyway. Girls won't think I'm flirting with them, and hopefully guys will just be flattered and move on. Especially now that I've put it in writing. -If I tell you, you smell good, it doesn't mean that I'm coming on to you, it just means that you smell good.- If I can't get myself to bring back the wink, at least I can encourage people to keep smelling good. That can't be a bad thing. Smell on, people, smell on!

I need more things to do on weeknight evenings... or to live in the dorms again... or to have more single friends. How do I do that? How do I make friends with single people? Especially cause once I make friends with single people I start praying for them to find someone and soon they are no longer single. Which is great, but is running me out of singles.

I realized today that if I don't like something, but then find out that someone else does I start to think more kindly towards it. For example I have a friend who loves rain... and I've never really been a fan, but since learning of his love for it I don't get as bummed when I see storm clouds a'brewin, because I know my friend is happy about it. The same goes for no-bake cookies, which honestly I could live happily without... but they are a different friend's favorite cookie and now I find myself eating them and thinking that they really aren't that bad. Yes, my friends, that's how much of an extrovert I am. I like things for the mere reason that my friends like them.

My would-have-been 4 year anniversary is coming up... I'm kinda scared. Tonight, driving home I saw an ambulance, and flashed to the only time we had to have an ambulance come to our house... the week before Nathan died and I really wanted a hug but I came home to my empty apartment and just tried not to think about it. Obviously didn't do so stellar of a job, though, as I'm writing about it now... See what I mean? People needy.