In which I discuss cancer paranoia and brownie battles

I know, I know. It's been a while. In my defense, I have had a pretty intense few weeks... including a nearly spontaneous trip to St. Louis, yesterday. (that we are hoping we do not have to repeat next week at some point...) You see, Nathan was in a wedding... was it just last week? He'd hurt his back on Wed of that week and then at the wedding he did something to his hip and then to top that all off because his platelets have finally started coming back up his "gut" GVH has decided to flare back up. So basically I've been totally stressin' for nearly 2 weeks. I'm trying to keep it under control, but post-cancer any little health thing (of his) brings with it a load of anxiety.

Sometimes I get paranoid. It's a special kind of paranoia- cancer paranoia. I think that people are sick of hearing about cancer... obviously not close friends and family, but the rest of the world... you know the people whose lives are only alongside and not intertwined with ours? They don't live with it... they don't see it, and I think that sometimes in their head they say, "Seriously? You guys are still milking that?"  I just get so afraid that people will think that we are trying to abuse the "cancer card." It probably sounds silly to ya'll, and I can hear Kara in my head right now saying, "Forget them! If they think that they are jerks." ... only she'd probably be a lot wittier about it. Maybe I'm too wrapped up in what other people think... ok I probably am. But it bothers me to think that after everything we've been through in the past year that people might think we are using it to our advantage...Maybe no one is thinking it... maybe it is true paranoia. There is no way to tell, cause it's not like people are just gonna up and tell you when they think something like that.

Recently a girl in heels complained about her feet hurting to Nathan when I was standing nearby. He grimaced and said, "Yeah, I know. Mine are killing me, too." She then threw her up her hand and turned away while saying, "Don't even complain about it to me." I was seething (at this point both his back and hip were injured and he was not in shoes that are good for his diabetes feet issues). I just barely held in some really mean remarks including, "Did you get to choose your footwear? Because he's recovering from cancer and a bone marrow transplant. You don't choose that, so how bout you not complain to him?"  I know I'm protective, but I was so livid. Then a few days later I started thinking about it. This girl doesn't know Nathan. She has no idea what has happened to us in the past year, and would probably be mortified if we told her. She was just reacting the way that most girls react when guys aren't sympathetic about heels. Granted, maybe she should have been nicer as Nathan was trying to be sympathetic, but here's the thing. Nathan doesn't look obviously sick anymore. He looks like he's on steroids, but only health professionals and those intimately acquainted with a body's reaction to steroids would know that. He has hair enough to be cut these days, and he still has his ready smile. If people just look at him without knowing the day to day he looks normal... and it breaks my heart to think that people who do know our story might just see that outer layer and think that he's just working any sort of sympathy angle. It's better. *So much better* than it used to be... but it's still a struggle. There are still nights when he only sleeps a few hours, there are still days when just getting to and from the apt is about all he can do. He's still a brave brave soldier slogging through the everyday. The world doesn't have a frame of reference for slow recovery. You can't even have a temporary handicap parking pass in MO for more than 1 year. We are getting back in sync with the dance but we are still a quarter step out of rhythm, and I keep feeling like I'm getting dirty looks from other people on the dance floor when I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to be kind and gracious and assume the best. I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this after living through cancer.... surely not.

And this ladies and gents is what happens when an extrovert gets stressed out and becomes an introvert. Paranoia and massive amounts of emo-ness. I need to go see a movie or something.

Let's move on, shall we? I have decided that I want to learn what brownie mix is the best. This may come as a shock to most people but growing up we never made brownies from a mix. We have a family recipe discovered by my Aunt Debbie (and possibly on a box of Little Debbie cakes??). Regardless we call them "Debbie's Brownies" and I grew up making them and thus nearly have the recipe memorized. It's only been in the past few years that I've made any box mixes but the convenience cannot be denied, and so I have decided to embark on a quest to decide which is the best. I have no brand loyalties or subconscious leanings from my childhood to rely on, so the only way I can tell is to just make them. The problems with this are two fold. 1) I have no tastebud memory bank to store subtle brownie intonations in and so cannot give a decent comparison unless I have two brownies side by side. 1.5) the lack of a tastebud memory bank has caused me to seriously use the word "intonations" when discussing brownies,  and 2) I do *NOT* need to eat two full pans of brownies, ever. Thus I have come up with a plan- for every potlucky event I attend, I'm going to attempt to make 2 batches of brownies.  (You see you can pile brownies on 2 paper plates and people never know that you ate the first row in a brownie experiment!) Slowly and surely I will make my way through the brownie catalog until I come up with a winner and then I will compare it to Debbie's Brownies. I fully expect Debbie's Brownies to win, but at least then I will know exactly how much taste I am trading for time. I will only use "straight" brownies for this competition. Caramel or peanut butter or (heaven forbid!) cheesecake would only wildly skew the results and cause disagreement among the voting judges (aka Nathan and myself.) Sides, that would need to be a whole other brownie battle. Also I need to buy a second cake pan because while I enjoyed the ease of removing the parchment paper from my pan and being able to immediately reuse it (Thanks Alton Brown!) it would be a heck of a lot easier to bake the brownies at the same time... helps control the variables.

Also, God Bless, parchment paper. It is possibly one of the greatest cooking luxuries of the 21st century!

... are we in the 22nd century now? No, it's not the 22nd until 2100, right?

Millenniums/centuries are weird.

... and a pain to spell. Thanks spell check!

"Kurt! That's the one I left out. God bless Kurt!" - Name that movie!

Anywho, thus far I've made Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker. Betty is the winner by a good deal... which is interesting considering I'm pretty sure that she was also cheaper.

Today I tried (and was shocked by) Starbucks Via Iced Coffee. All I needed was a Starbucks glass and some actual ice and I wouldn't have known it wasn't the real thing. I had to add some milk, as I can't handle my coffee black, but it was very impressive... and cheap, comparatively- 5.95 for 5 packets which each make 16 oz (aka a bottle of water's worth). That is a lot, you might say, but when you take into account that I willingly spend 3.50 per frappuccino (sp? spell check can't help me now!), suddenly it seems like an awesome deal! 5 for the price of not quite 2! I'm a believer.

I think I'll end there... but I have one last question for you... is it pathetic or just weird that 5 of my 45 "labels" are edible?

Baby Blog Post (as in a blog post that is small, not one devoted to the subject of babies)

I find myself wanting to watch wintery movies, even though it's not even Halloween yet.... I'd want to watch autumn movies but so many of them are so depressing! Seriously, the first two I can think of that aren't Halloween or T-giving movies are Autumn in NewYork & Stepmom. And I'm never going to watch those movies ever ever ever again. Oh yeah, then there is Sweet November (another cancer movie) and Dead Poets Society... Seriously it's not a fall movie unless there it's about a holiday or there is a death. Boooooooo. Symbolism needs to get shot in the foot. Ugh. I'm bumming myself out. Add to that, the fact that Glee is a repeat tonight and I think I need to go do some laundry, make some brownies, watch Gilmore Girls and make some Halloween costumes.... Or maybe Bridget Jones...I know Kara is next door... I can hear her. (She is the one who owns BJ.) Bridget Jones isn't depressing- there are turkey curry buffets and reindeer jumpers!.... ooooh or Polly... everyone (should) loves Polly!

... the cat came back, the very second day.

Well, it wasn't very long lived... 2 things happened. 1)Nathan started playing KH: BBS and 2) He hurt his back, today. This means he is, as I write, passing me up in levels and going to be beating my time logged in the game in short order.. Oh well, we return to the natural order of our marriage.

I may or may not be watching an ABC Family show called "Kyle XY" on DVD. Ok, you got me, I totally am. It's pretty enjoyable... the writing isn't superb or anything but I really like the actor who plays Kyle. It's hard to play a character who is totally clueless about everything and yet a super genius, but I'm impressed. I think it's his grin. You can tell a lot from a grin. I think when people smile at you it really makes a difference. And this kid's got an uber-grin that he flashes willy nilly around that show. It could melt the heart of a polar bear... if a polar bear had human thoughts, of course and didn't take flashing teeth as a sign of a challenge and maul him. That wouldn't work out so well.

We had a good trip to St. Louis. Dr. Stockerl-Goldstein had a lady (his new fellow...... like the hematology/oncology Dr. kind of fellow, not the male kind of fellow) on rounds with him when he visited with us. When he came in he said that he'd been explaining Nathan's journey to her in the hallway, everything that he's been through, but then he said, "but I told her that when we came in you would still have a smile on your face." The nurses at Cox always commented on Nathan's ready smile, too. Recently someone else (who does not give out compliments very often) told us how much he/she admired the grace in which we'd handled everything. I'm not sure if people know how much comments like those mean to us (especially me). I've never been noted for my physical grace... I'm from the accidentally run into walls and trip over my own feet school of grace. And throughout this whole process I've hardly felt graceful... I've felt more like a bull running down a shoot. Just duck your head and keep moving forward... but to know that people see and really appreciate the fact that I'm still trying to live up to my commitments, that I try not to use cancer as an excuse, and that Nathan and my whole goal is to hold hands as tightly as we can and just keep putting one foot in front of the next. It means so much. The way I'm able to get through this is my faith that there is a Higher Power who cares, and that there is a greater plan than what I can see... That's what I hear when I hear someone talk about our "grace" or Nathan's smile.. I hear them saying they can see God in us... cause that's where it's coming from.

hmmm.... ok so I've been waxing a bit sentimental. I guess I was due... ever since we came back from St. Louis I've been exhausted and cranky.. In fact, earlier today I slept from about 5:15 to 7:40.... and then we went to Starbucks, which is probably why I'm typing a blog post at 12:45 at night when I have to be up to walk at 7:00. However after said nap and Starbucks I'm feeling much better, and thus the pondering of the positive via blog post, I suppose. Suggestions of ridiculous things to ponder are always welcome, by the way.

I feel like since Oct. started life has suddenly sped up to about mach 8. Am I alone in this? My head is spinning right round (like a record, baby, right round, round, round.) Feels like Thanksgiving is gonna be here in about 2 seconds the way things are going. I don't know why this is... perhaps it's the cold? I hear that people in cold climates get things done, because they have to keep warm. Where as people in the tropics have a much slower, easy-going way of life, cause it's too hot to stress...

I hope I never have to live somewhere without seasons... I really like the changes, and constantly looking forward to wearing a new style of clothing... have I already said this? Sometimes I get super paranoid that my blog is just gonna turn into an endless cycle of me repeating myself on like a 3 month rotation and I won't notice... I'll be like those professors that you have for a class in college and think they are the greatest teachers ever and then you take a second class with them and realize that they just use the same jokes and stories in all of their classes.... such disappointment. I don't wanna be a disappointment! Put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play! HA! Only time I have ever (or probably will ever) utter those words. Land mark occasion right here!

...seriously... watch me say that same thing on accident in Jan....

This one's for you, Yawn.

My aunt says she misses my blogs... I'm not sure if she is ok with me mentioning her name on my blog so let's just say she is named after something that you call a morning and it rhymes with Yawn.... as you may be able to tell from my hints I don't think she'll mind. So here ya go, Auntie Dearest! *wave*

See the problem is, I got a new video game... and it's highly addictive. Add this to the fact that Nathan has been on the new desktop a lot to set it up and type his paper (He's done with his coursework, now!! "Just" a thesis to go!) and you get a girl who is slacking in the blogging department.

So I've been walking in the mornings with my dear chum... whose name is kinda like a measure of gold, only without a "t" and rhymes with Sara. This is the third week I've been doing it. The first week we walked every day (Mon-Fri) except for the Wednesday. (It was after Nathan's party and I managed to get a horrible crick in my neck and only got 3 hours of sleep so I had to beg off and catch a few more winks) The second week we walked Mon and Friday, as my pal- Let's call her Miss Molly, had to be out of town and then this week we will walk every day, except tomorrow cause Nathan and I are going to St. Louis. I am proud of Miss Molly and I. It's not Cross Fit by any stretch of the imagination, but it is the most consistent exercise I've done for about a year. I like walking.... mainly because it's exercise I can chit-chat during and at the end I'm not sweaty... I really hate being sweaty. ugh. But you wanna know the kicker? We walk at 7 in the morning. See! You have to admit you are a little more impressed, now. I hate mornings! You see Miss Molly doesn't want to run into a ridiculous about of campus traffic, so we go early to beat the hoards of swarming college students. It's early but at least I don't have to worry about people eavesdropping on our fabulous conversations! I don't know if I've actually lost any weight... I probably should have gotten on a scale/ should get on one... but even in weight loss I lack ambition... Nathan and I have sworn off "The Cup" for 2 weeks... ok, so mainly it was me, and Nathan said, "I don't know if I can promise that." But that was pretty much cause we were spending way too much money there rather for any true dietary concerns.

The last few days have really got me to thinking about everything that we went through last year. There are just so many things that people can't understand unless it happens to them.... There are so many thoughts that you never want to face, so many conversations that no one should ever have to have, and so much miserable stuff that you just slog through... And then you find yourself looking back one day and saying.... 60 days? He was in the hospital for 60 days? And you become super aware of the leaves changing color, because he wasn't here to see them at this time last year. And really excited about Halloween costumes, cause you weren't really interested in them last year, and you tear up the first time he takes out the trash for you...  And you are just so incredibly grateful for every single moment, because while you may not have lived the worst that could happen, you have had to face it.... and boring is such bliss. Now, feel free to go kiss your babies (fun-sized, adult-sized, or pet sized) after my incredibly moving soliloquy. Heck, go kiss a stranger... but only on the cheek like an overzealous 80-year old Irish man in a pub rooting for a sports team... and ask them first... cause I imagine those dudes give wet cheek kisses.

If I Have Multiple Personalities, None of Us Can Stay on Topic.

I made some cupcakes last night. I've been in a very bake-y kinda mood lately. Someone asked me today if I liked to bake and the answer to that is yes, but what I like even more than baking is sharing. This is why I baked so much in college, I think. Cause I had an unending supply of grateful boys who loved cookies. It's not about the eating, it's about the sharing. I found a recipe for the Petite Vanilla Bean Scones like the ones from Starbucks on Pioneer Woman Cooks (where I've been trolling lately for dinner recipes, cause we need to scale back on the eating out.) The scone recipe lead me to look for more "copy cat" recipes for the scones (I like to compare recipes!) Then I got to thinking about Vanilla Beans and how expensive they are here and how there has to be a better deal out there on the internets and then I found a website where you can buy a pound of vanilla beans for 20 dollars. 20 Dollars!?! So I think I'm gonna be making a vanilla purchase sometime soon.

We got a new computer! It came in the mail yesterday, but Nathan, the poor soul, is working on a paper that he is presenting tomorrow, and so he can't open it up and set it up or play with it or anything.. He's pretty bummed, but I'm proud of him for getting done what he needs to get done.

I've decided that I dislike the Myers Briggs test. Now anyone who knows me might find this a surprise, because generally I love personality tests. But here's the problem with ole' MB. The only letter that I am consistently is F(Feeler). Pretty much every other letter can flip flop from one to the other like no one's business. And not within the span of years. I took two different MB tests the other day and got answers that that were different. This was in the course of an hour. I'm sometimes an introvert, sometimes not. (I like to say I'm a shy extrovert, so I want to hang out with people all the time, but it's a little hard to get to know me cause I'm so awkward and make such a bad first impression) I come out in the middle on the "sensing/intuiting" continuum and the "perceiving/judging" spectrum as well. But does Myers Briggs make me feel good that I'm a well-rounded individual? NO! I feel bad cause I can't get a single description that I feel speaks about me. I mean I can pick and choose a paragraph here and there and cobble together something that I can pretend is supposed to be all one description, but I had better luck with the "What type of dog are you" quiz. (I'm a Golden Retriever, by the way). It's just wrong that a test I answer 50 questions on can give me the same amount of accuracy as my zodiac symbol description. (Yes, I am fiercely loyal, thank you!) And yet maybe it's because I don't know myself that well... I wonder what would happen if Nathan took both tests "for" me in an hour... maybe they would be the same, then. Oooooor maybe I have multiple personalities, and I never knew it... or maybe you have multiple personalities!

....

Sorry, got a little carried away with my own little weird tirade there. Anyway, suffice it to say, I'm not amused by Messieurs Mademoiselles Myers and Briggs and their inability to tell me what I'm like.

Sometimes I worry that I make too long of blog posts, but then I think that I'm not forcing anyone to read them, so if people think they are too long they can just stop reading.

I have decided that even more than the owl I like peacocks. However the caveat to this must be- only in non-real form. While I wouldn't love having a real owl around, real peacocks are a pain to keep around and they make pretty disturbing noises. (Some sound like a woman's scream.) But peacocks in jewelry, animation, and cake are all fabulous, and even their feathers are pretty. Some day maybe I'll have a peacock room just like Elvis... and hopefully I can have his 15 ft long couch, too.

If I ever win a million dollars and buy a house I think I would pay to have Mike Holmes come out and inspect it. I bet Mike backs up his inspections with a 10 year make-it-right guarantee... on second thought can I just have him build me a home to begin with? Ya think he'd build a new Victorian?

ok new thought. Why don't they make theme songs the way they used to? Seriously- "Cheers," "Who's the Boss," "The Golden Girls," "The Wonder Years," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," even "The Dukes of Hazard" and "Welcome Back, Kotter" Those were *theme* songs! They let you know what the show was about... now we have about 4 seconds of lyric-less music and we are off to the races. I don't know about you but I wish there was something more to the harmonized shout of  "Glee!" to start the show... And even when there is a song it's not one that was written for it (ala Gilmore Girls and Carol(e?) King) I just wanna know why theme songs died. I blame "Touched by an Angel" ...and that creeper clown. You know he's out there, up to no good.

Who Doesn't Love a Plaid Fedora?

Guess what.

I found a hat.

It's a knit hat... actually cable knit like a sweater and it has a little hat brim. I'm thrilled. I still can't wear any of the cute non-stretchy hats or berets and I'm still mad at Target's hat section for that mean commercial. But I can wear this hat! Basically it looks like this- only cream. See how "tall" it looks in the picture? That makes it look normal on my Gi-cranium. Now if only they would make a plaid fedora in size XL Noggin. Cause really who doesn't love a plaid fedora?

I just watched the Glee from last week that I missed because of Nathan's party... I like it so much better when the kids aren't re-enacting music videos... though I have to say Heather Morris can *dance.*  While we are on the subject of Glee, the new guy's mouth (Chord Overstreet) really is shockingly big.

When I was in highschool we learned about the proportions of the human face. The corner of a normal person's mouth lines up with the center of their eye (their pupil when they are looking straight on)... basically a normal human face reflects the golden rectangle and the closer you are to the golden ratio the more attractive people find you. Now look at this picture of our friend Chord.The corner of his mouth lines up with the outside of his eye!This makes me wonder if he has extra teeth or if he had a difficult time finding retainers to wear. Sure the other side looks more normal but that's either a trick of perspective or he's got a lopsided mouth... yikes. I feel for him. Us oversized-facial-characteristic people have to stick together. I'm sure he's glad to know I'm on his side... me and a million swooning pre-teens. Yep, I'm sure it's a weight off his mind. In other news, I love the name Chord.... course I'm also the girl who wants to name a child Lyric... or Aria... I don't understand why Melody is the only normally accepted musical name. I mean I get why you don't want to name your kid Drumstick or Accordion, but there are lots of pretty/cool musical names out there.

Do you ever have to give up being cute? See, cute is kinda my schtick, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it, but looking at myself from an outsider's perspective it seems like adorable is something I'm gonna have to give up once I'm past my 20's. I think I can reclaim it at like 70. But I like being cute. It means I can be slightly eccentric and still get away with it. Cute doesn't require constant maintenance like stunning does. It's a wash and wear attribute and it's endearing. I want to always be endearing. I want you to like me. I do! I do! People like babies... you know why? They are cute. Puppies, kittens, colts... all beloved. All cute. All of America's sweethearts- Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon. Cute, cute, cutie cute. If I have to give it up in a few years I'll just be lost... But I can't be cute, if cute on a 30 year old is actually ridiculously annoying and grating. That just won't do at all.