Cookies and Compliments

I'm happy. I'm just so darn happy.

Now a smart man might observe that I've had an extrovert's dream weekend- Multiple people wanting to hang out with me every day this weekend- much laughter and fun, and it's not even over quite yet.

I just don't know how I've managed to find the very best people in all the world and convince them that they should like me and hang out with me, but it keeps happening.

I was thinking this weekend.  (Shocking, I know.) Some friends of mine and I were talking about a mutual acquaintance and commenting that she kinda always seems grumpy and in a bad mood. (Pretty sure that none of you know her, so I'm not terribly concerned about revealing her gender.) Anyway, I think I'm actually the one who said that she kinda seems to hate everything. And then a little bit later I had to add-- but she has gone through a lot of very hard terrible stuff. Then we mentioned another person who has also gone through some rather trying circumstances and turned to some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Now I really don't believe that there is a scale of heartache. I don't think you can compare pain. Kara told me a story in college about her best friend in high school who had a brain aneurysm and then her mother passed away within the space of a year or so. (Sorry, Kara, if I don't have the details quite right.) Anyway, Kara was telling me a story about how after all this terrible stuff had happened Kara broke up with or had a fight with her boyfriend and was crying to her friend about it and expressed feeling bad because it was nothing compared to her friend's sorrows, and this friend told her (a very wise high schooler) that all pain is the same. That has really stuck with me. It has been a comfort when I had "very little" pain in my life but it still hurt like the dickens, and it's been a comfort to me since Nathan died. Pain is pain. It hurts and you just can't compare it, because in the moment it just hurts and that's all. There are specific reactions that it's harder to understand unless you've been through a similar situation, but the hurt... that's universal.

But back to what I was saying- I would not say that I've had a worse experience than these two other people. Everyone's pain is the same. The causes and our experiences are vastly different, but when it comes to dealing with pain... well, I've been in that game, at least. And I know... I *know* how easy and how tempting it is to let yourself turn to those coping mechanisms which aren't healthy but numb the pain. And I know how often I would like to just be in a bad mood because I want people to understand that I've gone through something and the world owes me more kindness. And I know how nice it would be to let those coping mechanisms and anger become walls that protect me from an existence that isn't what it should be, and I have no judgement for these people... cause I get it... oh gosh. I get it.

But I think that my life is better because I** choose joy. I think that I'm able to be so very happy-- despite everything-- because I made (and keep making) a decision to look for the beauty- to seek out the good and glorious, to make jokes and laugh and enjoy everything that I can. Now, that can make me a little saccharine at times, I know, but it's because I'm determined to notice and point out the sweet.

We know the pain, it's easy to feel the pain... sometimes people have to be reminded of the positive- especially when it happens in the middle of the pain. But it's worth it. It's so worth it, because it means that I can be happy, despite a life that is not all I want.

I just want it for other people too. I wish I could share it with them. Everyone should be able to be as happy as I am.

I wish I had a magic wand. I wish I had a way to give happiness. But all I have are cookies and compliments.

**This should probably all come with a caveat that it's also super hard, and I really, truly, and honestly believe that I could not have chosen joy if I did not have my faith. If I didn't have that baseline of hope and comfort and joy, I do not think I could be saying any of this. And that's probably why I have no judgement of how other people deal with their great hurts- because if not but for the grace of God, so go I.