My grandfather is back in the hospital. Spinal compression fractures. The same thing that Nathan suffered through the last 4 months- that hurt him so badly. The same thing that made it so he couldn't walk and put him in the hospital the last time.
There isn't much to say that I haven't already said here or here or on facebook, except that I hate how selfish this makes me feel.
Cause while I absolutely want Pappy's back to stop hurting...
I also want someone to take care of me. I want to not have to be strong and tough and in control. I want to have the freedom to feel a little sorry for myself and to break down. I wanna be a girl and not have a logical handle on my emotions.
Yeah, that's totally sexist. This is me not caring and longing for some antiquated gender roles.
And I know that talking about it isn't gonna change a darn thing. And I know that I have really great friends who want to be there for me... but what I feel like I need is a very specific type of comfort that just isn't available to me, right now.
And how can I be bemoaning my lack of a boyfriend/male companion when my grandfather is in agony?
I think it's because I can't think about Pappy very hard without having a breakdown that I will not let myself have without someone I trust who could just love me and hold me.
But I don't have that.
So it's string or nothing, precious.
I struggled for a long time with the tension between strength and weakness. I was raised to not cry, to not rely on anyone else, and to always do things myself.
ReplyDeleteI didn't make the connection on Sunday, but Tim's last sermon really hits home to me on that subject. I needed to cut myself some slack and extend grace to myself. These days, I handle it a lot better... I think it becomes a sort of zen: it is possible to be weak while also being strong for others. You absolutely deserve to feel sorry for yourself sometimes and to break down.
The important part is making sure that state is temporary. There is a time for weakness and a time for strength. We can have both. We pretty much have to, actually, because humans were made that way.
I sort of assume you have friends with whom you talk about this hard stuff, and it's not just all blog posts. I similarly assume you have someone to sit with and cry and who will listen and not judge, and who can take all that in without it hurting them. I've gotten that impression anyways.
If I'm wrong, and you'd like someone to sit with, let me know. You may feel sometimes like you don't want to vent, or cry, or share feelings with someone because it might bring them down. I'd encourage you to not worry too much about it. My mind vise is mighty. (I couldn't find an elegant way to end this paragraph, so I thought maybe a 30 Rock reference would work. Did it? Darn.)