Not Having It All Together

So Kara said something when she was down that I've thought a lot about.

She said that it really looked like I had my life together.

And I laughed and thanked her, cause I think that is a wonderful compliment.

But I've been thinking about it ever since.

And I'm gonna be honest here, because that's what this blog is all about-- the open, honest, real me.

And let me just say straight out-- It's not true that I've got my life together. I don't.

What I have together is my act. You see, I pretend. I can actually put up a really really good front, because I was in theatre for a long time. And I think that it makes people who care about me worry less, and I'd do just about anything for the people who love me. So making sure that I look like I've got my life in order.... well if it makes me look good and it makes them not worry... Where's the harm?

Except, here's the thing... I don't want to be the Joneses. I don't want someone to compare what they see of me to their own life and think that they don't measure up... I don't want to be anyone's yard stick. Because I don't have my stuff together as much as it seems like I do on the outside and everyone always takes the worst of their own life and the best of someone else's life to make those comparisons... So I'm gonna be real. Here, if nowhere else.

So real stuff:

I get cavities a lot cause I take terrible care of my teeth and drink too much soda.

On the flip side, I never ever eat enough fruit or vegetables.

I desperately want some guy to fall head over heels for me, but I get crushes on guys who are unobtainable because they are safe and I got lucky with Nathan in that he eventually decided he loved me, but I'm not sure that's ever gonna happen again.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I want to write, but I'm also terrified of it, and I know exactly how financially unsound that is and if I'm going to have to support myself for the rest of my life, I'm not sure that I can do it, but none of the things that I like to do make enough money to live on.. except maybe teaching, but I hated teaching at the high school level and I don't know if it will be the same at the college level, and even if it isn't, then I still have to put in another two years after this master's.

Which will most likely be in a different town than this one..... This town where my friends are and the support system that has gotten me through so much, and I'm terrified that if one more beam falls out of the system then the whole thing will collapse.

I can *feel* my biological clock ticking, but I know that to have a baby there are so many ducks that have to be in a row and none of them are and that scares the heck out of me cause I don't want to fall in love and get married just for a baby... but I *really* want that to be a part of the plan and I feel really old to not be anywhere close to that.

I know what I'm good at, and I throw it at people in the hopes that they will admire it. In the hopes that they will think that I've really got my act together, in the hopes that they will like me, but I am constantly afraid that I'm not really liked, just generally tolerated, and I read *way* too much into how people act around me. And I just think too much about friendship in general.

And I'm not happy with my weight but I don't do a darn thing about it, except to attempt to cut back on calories, which doesn't seem to have any effect whatsoever (probably cause I still don't eat enough vegetables), and I hate exercise because a) I suck at it and b) I hate getting sweaty.

And I drink bottled water, cause I'm lazy and tap water doesn't taste good and Britta pitchers are annoying, even though I know it's terrible for the environment.

And the only true opinion I have about politics is that I hate how mean and angry it makes everyone.

And while I have a tremendous amount of faith in God, I hardly ever read my Bible and my praying is pretty much exclusively what I want for myself or my friends and very little about worship. And obviously if I'm worried about all the stuff above I'm not doing a good job in trusting in the God's plan.

And I just want everyone to think that I'm practically perfect, because I'm ashamed of my flaws and I think they will make you not like me that much. And I probably have some fear issues that are unresolved..

And I'm pretty sure I have terrible taste in music, but I just like what I like.

Oh... and I'm an orange vampire... as when I "eat" an orange I just suck all the juice out of a piece and move on, and I know that's super weird and gross, but I don't like the pulp part, and orange juice is *not* the same.

Now does that sound like someone who has it all together?

And the list could go on and on...

So I guess what I'm saying is... you still don't need to worry about me, loved ones... but if you aren't... if you are just one of those people who casually knows me and have ever found yourself lacking in comparison. I'm sorry. The dice were weighted. This chick most definitely doesn't have it all together... not even a little bit.