Go!

It was a day. I worked and went to class today and it felt very weird. I got stuff done, but I'm not sure how, and I don't really remember much about my classes. And a song on the radio made me tear up on the way home and I just feel weird. In part normal and in part very distracted and in part sad. A friend described it tonight as "an out of body experience" and that pretty much nails it.

I just miss him, you know? I mean not just as a husband or as a love even but just on the basest of levels, as a *person.* He was a really good person. He was my best friend.

I think that often times people will place a loved one who has died on a pedestal  Glossing over their faults until they forget that the faults ever existed at all... or they get painted as virtues. Aka, instead of Nathan having a bad temper, he was "passionate."

I don't want to do that. It's important to me to remember his flaws, in part so that he doesn't become some paragon that no one can ever measure up to and in part because it makes him less human, and the man I loved was very human.

There were times when he had really crappy priorities. Sometimes he wouldn't even take a break from whatever website he was working on to spend an hour with me the entire night. He also thought that he could play his guitar and have a conversation with me about something and actually hear what I was saying, which wasn't even close to true. He had a terrible temper and would drive really dangerously when he was mad-- which in turn infuriated me, which he *knew* and this only made him more prone to reckless driving, rather than less. He was very stubborn and wouldn't try new foods.. or eat vegetables (though after he got sick he was better at this.) He was a flirt, oy vey, he was a flirt! I often thought he was too ready to give his opinion when it wasn't asked for and there were many times when his brazen opinion conflicted with my own and embarassed me entirely. He wasn't fair when we had arguments sometimes and he would fight to win and make assumptions about my motivations that weren't even a little bit true.

I miss all of that... and I miss the good stuff, too.

He was always willing to get up from a chair or from bed or where ever to get me something.. even if it was just a drink of water I could have gotten myself. He called me beautiful at least once a day... often way more than that and any belief that I am pretty comes directly from the fact that I really believe he somehow thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He would come up behind me in the kitchen just to hug me and because he "missed me." (At the time I would get annoyed cause it's hard to cook while someone is hugging you, but looking back I treasure it.) He made me laugh all the time, I loved how much he could make me laugh-- And he didn't even think he was funny. He never made me change light bulbs or kill spiders or take out the trash or worry about car repair... and while that probably sounds pretty commonplace I really appreciated it. He was *really* sweet and romantic, though more given to the occasional grand gesture than a constant stream of romance. (Aka the anniversary poems blogged about here.) He was always very nice to waitstaff and as a result always got incredible service, and he wasn't afraid to be silly. I miss being silly very much.

I wear my wedding rings and Nathan's on a necklace one day out of the year-- Today. I think this is a tradition that I can keep up. Subtle but right. It's an anchor to my past and an acknowledgement, but it doesn't turn into a weight that holds me down like wearing them everyday would. It's also comforting to reach up and feel the smooth metal, warmed by my skin, when I'm missing him.

So it was a day.

Not all bad. Not all good.  Full of support on facebook and in person, for which I thank you most sincerely.

Let's make this an amazing year, guys. Let's make this the year that everything works out well.

Ready?