I saw a picture today of a boy wearing his sister's bright pink "Cancer Sucks" t-shirt underneath his suit, standing next to her casket. He had his jacket and dress shirt open like he was in the middle of turning into Superman, and he's got that look on his face... the "I'm trying so hard to laugh and be goofy but it hurts so much at the same time" look... I recognize that look... I know that desperation.
The only thing I don't like about the photo is the caption. "Wearing his sister's shirt under his suit as he says goodbye for the last time."
It's not goodbye for the last time... As long as he is alive it won't be goodbye for the last time... not for him. That's what grief is... at least to me... learning how to say goodbye constantly... learning that goodbye isn't a one time event... it's something that you have to do every day. Some days goodbye is harder... some days it is easier... but the last goodbye... that's the one you make when you leave... not when they leave.
2 posts in the same night... It's like Crazy Dave's Discount Blog Sale up in here!! Oh wait... blogging doesn't cost either of us any money. Hmmmmm, maybe someone's been using the think system on me from the parlor.
(It's a movie quote... a rather obscure one at that... go!)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Someday, sweetheart, someday.
I've noticed that my blog commenting has increased... I find this just thrilling. Keep up the good work! Especially those of you who are taking a break from Facebook (Horrors!) and thus blog comments are my only means of communication with you. Yes, I'm looking at you, Sadie and Rhonda. Seriously... I can't fathom why anyone would choose to take a break from facebook. But maybe that's why, eh? I'm a cautionary tale of the addictiveness of facebook. Don't turn out like me, kiddos. Also, I'm shouting out to Katie and Rebecca who both have been commenting frequently... Who knew that you would get such immediate rewards for commenting and telling me I could talk about you by name, eh?? And of course to Queen Mara... who is a sea of bitterness because I arbitrarily changed her name to "sea of bitterness" and because she still owes me a dollar- Royalties be damned! :) (If that last sentence made no sense to you go and read the comments on my last post.)
Ok, I have something to tell you that is really really exciting for me... and I feel like I need to tell you all, because I just can't keep a secret like this from you all. I'm being given a car! Right now, I have a 2 cars... My Grand Am and Nathan's Jeep. Neither of them are in very good condition or reliable and it doesn't make much sense for a single girl to have two cars.. and to be paying insurance on two cars. So my incredible in-laws decided to give me a car because they want to "take care of me like Nathan would want them to." I know... I told you I'm blessed... None of the car salesmen could believe it. Everyone who heard leaned back and their eyebrows went up in their hairline... and then they heard the whole story and I watched their faces change... and suddenly they started caring more about me, too... It's like by this incredible act of generosity they lost a bit of the salesman facadé and maybe saw a bit more of their customer's humanity... Or maybe they were just good salesmen and it was an act... but I don't think so. The one who helped me said it was about the best story he'd ever heard, Bill and Paula taking care of me like this... So what kind of a car am I getting? Well, let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was a girl named Renée who was married to a wonderful guy named Nathan. And as was her wont Renée would sometimes dream bigger than she and her husband's wallet actually would allow for. So sometimes she would see commercials for a particular car on TV and say to Nathan, "Nathan, can I have one of those? Can we buy one? I liiiike it!" And Nathan would smile indulgently and say, "Absolutely. Someday when we are 50 or so, I will buy you one." And Renee would fake pout and say, "Not now?" And Nathan would smile and say, "Someday, sweetheart, someday."
I remembered this story as I drove home from the Toyota dealership, after putting down a deposit on my Prius. It was really hard to keep back the tears while heading down National, passing Scholars. Only a few tears escaped... driving and crying aren't very good companions. I had perfect timing, the car salesman said... a day earlier and they probably wouldn't have known that they had the Prius- I got the last one and 2 hours after I wrote the deposit check he told me they already could have sold the car twice, if I'd not gotten it. The Prius isn't here, yet, it's going to be 2-3 weeks before I get it (I'm hoping for less, so that I can take it on my trip home for Easter). But I can't help but feel like it's a last big gift from Nathan. I certainly wouldn't be getting it if it weren't for him. I'm so excited. I'm so loved.
The events of the past few weeks/months make me certain that God is here, watching over me. Making sure I'm supported and loved. I've not been abandoned... He is working, even if not in the way that I would have chosen.
Have you ever listened to Josh Groban's song, To Where You Are? (I know that should actually be in quotes but I hate putting a question mark inside the quotes when it actually isn't part of the thing being quoted.) Anyway, I knew all the words but I never really listened to the song before everything... sometimes thestrals aren't just creepy winged horses.
Ok, I have something to tell you that is really really exciting for me... and I feel like I need to tell you all, because I just can't keep a secret like this from you all. I'm being given a car! Right now, I have a 2 cars... My Grand Am and Nathan's Jeep. Neither of them are in very good condition or reliable and it doesn't make much sense for a single girl to have two cars.. and to be paying insurance on two cars. So my incredible in-laws decided to give me a car because they want to "take care of me like Nathan would want them to." I know... I told you I'm blessed... None of the car salesmen could believe it. Everyone who heard leaned back and their eyebrows went up in their hairline... and then they heard the whole story and I watched their faces change... and suddenly they started caring more about me, too... It's like by this incredible act of generosity they lost a bit of the salesman facadé and maybe saw a bit more of their customer's humanity... Or maybe they were just good salesmen and it was an act... but I don't think so. The one who helped me said it was about the best story he'd ever heard, Bill and Paula taking care of me like this... So what kind of a car am I getting? Well, let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was a girl named Renée who was married to a wonderful guy named Nathan. And as was her wont Renée would sometimes dream bigger than she and her husband's wallet actually would allow for. So sometimes she would see commercials for a particular car on TV and say to Nathan, "Nathan, can I have one of those? Can we buy one? I liiiike it!" And Nathan would smile indulgently and say, "Absolutely. Someday when we are 50 or so, I will buy you one." And Renee would fake pout and say, "Not now?" And Nathan would smile and say, "Someday, sweetheart, someday."
I remembered this story as I drove home from the Toyota dealership, after putting down a deposit on my Prius. It was really hard to keep back the tears while heading down National, passing Scholars. Only a few tears escaped... driving and crying aren't very good companions. I had perfect timing, the car salesman said... a day earlier and they probably wouldn't have known that they had the Prius- I got the last one and 2 hours after I wrote the deposit check he told me they already could have sold the car twice, if I'd not gotten it. The Prius isn't here, yet, it's going to be 2-3 weeks before I get it (I'm hoping for less, so that I can take it on my trip home for Easter). But I can't help but feel like it's a last big gift from Nathan. I certainly wouldn't be getting it if it weren't for him. I'm so excited. I'm so loved.
The events of the past few weeks/months make me certain that God is here, watching over me. Making sure I'm supported and loved. I've not been abandoned... He is working, even if not in the way that I would have chosen.
Have you ever listened to Josh Groban's song, To Where You Are? (I know that should actually be in quotes but I hate putting a question mark inside the quotes when it actually isn't part of the thing being quoted.) Anyway, I knew all the words but I never really listened to the song before everything... sometimes thestrals aren't just creepy winged horses.
Kara owes me a dollar.
I started reading a book today, so you will have to forgive me if my blog post is short... I'm rather excited to get back to it...
Today I bought a dress.. I have specific plans for said dress... Mainly, Easter and Nathan's graduation... but I may wear it to church next Sunday, just because I won't be there on Easter (so it's not gonna spoil the Easter surprise), I never wear dresses to church, and it's a new dress so I'm impatient. However, I shall have to figure out my shoe situation before then. The problem with heels is that they aren't usually comfortable... and flats don't look as nice as heels in my humble opinion... but regardless of height, I have to find something that will match/go... I did find eye makeup that will match... I may have gotten slightly addicted to purchasing eye shadow since I lost Nathan... but I think if buying new eyeshadow makes me feel better, then it's probably not that bad of a vice to have. Could be worse... I could be addicted to buying...computers... or...furniture... or... barbecue grills. Cause, seriously, where would I put three bbq grills? That's what I'm saying!
Also a friend of mine may have convinced me that I need to make some sort of hair accessory, to go with my dress... but that isn't gonna be too hard, as she has lots of hair accessory making supplies
I often get paranoid to mention people by name on my blog.... Cause it's the internet... and while I don't mind my name being out there, I know that some people are not the same as me. So I usually don't use their names... you can tell me if it's ok to name drop you... elsewise I'll keep calling you "a friend" (Sorry Kara, I think I've already name dropped you so many times that it can't be taken back.... I could change your name though... to like... Mara or something.) Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more?
By the way, Kara found out what gender her baby is sooooo looong ago and shall not let me announce it on here until she's told lots and lots of people. It's like she thinks it's her baby/news to tell or something... So my blog is being held hostage. By Mara. I think this means that she owes me a dollar, and I'm quite sure that all of you agree, dontcha?
Today I bought a dress.. I have specific plans for said dress... Mainly, Easter and Nathan's graduation... but I may wear it to church next Sunday, just because I won't be there on Easter (so it's not gonna spoil the Easter surprise), I never wear dresses to church, and it's a new dress so I'm impatient. However, I shall have to figure out my shoe situation before then. The problem with heels is that they aren't usually comfortable... and flats don't look as nice as heels in my humble opinion... but regardless of height, I have to find something that will match/go... I did find eye makeup that will match... I may have gotten slightly addicted to purchasing eye shadow since I lost Nathan... but I think if buying new eyeshadow makes me feel better, then it's probably not that bad of a vice to have. Could be worse... I could be addicted to buying...computers... or...furniture... or... barbecue grills. Cause, seriously, where would I put three bbq grills? That's what I'm saying!
Also a friend of mine may have convinced me that I need to make some sort of hair accessory, to go with my dress... but that isn't gonna be too hard, as she has lots of hair accessory making supplies
I often get paranoid to mention people by name on my blog.... Cause it's the internet... and while I don't mind my name being out there, I know that some people are not the same as me. So I usually don't use their names... you can tell me if it's ok to name drop you... elsewise I'll keep calling you "a friend" (Sorry Kara, I think I've already name dropped you so many times that it can't be taken back.... I could change your name though... to like... Mara or something.) Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more?
By the way, Kara found out what gender her baby is sooooo looong ago and shall not let me announce it on here until she's told lots and lots of people. It's like she thinks it's her baby/news to tell or something... So my blog is being held hostage. By Mara. I think this means that she owes me a dollar, and I'm quite sure that all of you agree, dontcha?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A List
I wish the rest of the world stayed up as late as I do... Maybe that's why I stay up so late... I'm just trying to be the change I want to see in the world. I think part of the problem is that I hate missing out on things.... well at least that was part of the problem in college. People are so much more fun when it's late... and more honest... Unfortunately, I'm an adult and I live in an apartment, so around the time that people start getting fun they go home and go to bed... Why does becoming an adult make people lose their impulsive-ity and spirit?
I think I might just want to have a slumber party with the world... I want to learn everyone's secrets and giggle with them.... and put whipped cream in the hand of the person who falls asleep first and then tickle their nose.
Seriously shaving cream always seemed mean... and dangerous-- what if their mouth is open?! Whipped cream is much much safer... and tastier.
I've had a string of kinda heavy posts... I want to have a lighter one today. Maybe I'll do a list of what's happening in my head. Those are always fun.
1) I secretly like being scandalous... but I also like being a goody-two shoes... so basically I end up being secretly scandalous about things that aren't really that scandalous and no one ever knows... so what the point of being "scandalous" is, I have not a clue.
2) I enjoy the word scandalous.
3) I say "Nothing? Nothing!?! Nothing, tra la la?" far more often than I think is actually healthy for the sanity of my friends.
4) I had a cinnamon crunch bagel for breakfast today that was fraternizing with an onion bagel at some point. Cinnamon and onion are not my favorite flavor combinations.
5) Every so often at 1 in the morning a girl just wants some bagel bites... I may regret this, as I've not had bagel bites since I was in Jr. High or something, and I don't recall loving them that much then... but they sounded good.
6) I met a person on Thursday who once lived in Memphis, MO. He moved in the 4th grade or something... he had Mrs. Moore for 3rd grade and Mrs. Kice for kindergarten. But this was the first time I'd ever met him... It was really surreal.
7) Do they still do Book-it? Or is the concern about national obesity greater than the concern for early childhood literacy? ...Wow, there's a throw-down I'd like to see.. First Ladies going head to head in a fight to the national campaign to end/start something! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
8) "No! To the Pain! [...] That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. [...] It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. (slowly stands and raises sword) Drop. Your. Sword."
9) That last line loses it's oomph if you pronounce the last word, "swored" (like the "past tense" of swore.)
10) Bagel Bites... better than expected, while still not actually being good.
11) I'm not sure that "doe-eyed" is a compliment. We shoot deer.
12) I like to preemptively turn on lights.. for example I just turned on my bedroom light, when I passed by so that when I actually go to my bedroom the light will already be on... It's like I think the sheets will absorb the light and become better somehow... DUDE! Why don't they make glow in the dark sheets!?! I bet little kids... (and me...) would love them!
hmmmmm I think that might be all for now. Adieu, my loves!
I think I might just want to have a slumber party with the world... I want to learn everyone's secrets and giggle with them.... and put whipped cream in the hand of the person who falls asleep first and then tickle their nose.
Seriously shaving cream always seemed mean... and dangerous-- what if their mouth is open?! Whipped cream is much much safer... and tastier.
I've had a string of kinda heavy posts... I want to have a lighter one today. Maybe I'll do a list of what's happening in my head. Those are always fun.
1) I secretly like being scandalous... but I also like being a goody-two shoes... so basically I end up being secretly scandalous about things that aren't really that scandalous and no one ever knows... so what the point of being "scandalous" is, I have not a clue.
2) I enjoy the word scandalous.
3) I say "Nothing? Nothing!?! Nothing, tra la la?" far more often than I think is actually healthy for the sanity of my friends.
4) I had a cinnamon crunch bagel for breakfast today that was fraternizing with an onion bagel at some point. Cinnamon and onion are not my favorite flavor combinations.
5) Every so often at 1 in the morning a girl just wants some bagel bites... I may regret this, as I've not had bagel bites since I was in Jr. High or something, and I don't recall loving them that much then... but they sounded good.
6) I met a person on Thursday who once lived in Memphis, MO. He moved in the 4th grade or something... he had Mrs. Moore for 3rd grade and Mrs. Kice for kindergarten. But this was the first time I'd ever met him... It was really surreal.
7) Do they still do Book-it? Or is the concern about national obesity greater than the concern for early childhood literacy? ...Wow, there's a throw-down I'd like to see.. First Ladies going head to head in a fight to the national campaign to end/start something! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
8) "No! To the Pain! [...] That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. [...] It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. (slowly stands and raises sword) Drop. Your. Sword."
9) That last line loses it's oomph if you pronounce the last word, "swored" (like the "past tense" of swore.)
10) Bagel Bites... better than expected, while still not actually being good.
11) I'm not sure that "doe-eyed" is a compliment. We shoot deer.
12) I like to preemptively turn on lights.. for example I just turned on my bedroom light, when I passed by so that when I actually go to my bedroom the light will already be on... It's like I think the sheets will absorb the light and become better somehow... DUDE! Why don't they make glow in the dark sheets!?! I bet little kids... (and me...) would love them!
hmmmmm I think that might be all for now. Adieu, my loves!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Dealing
So it's a weird thing, that the funeral home sends me monthly newsletter type things that talk about grief, and dealing with death... A weird thing but strangely helpful in a "we've not forgotten" kind of a way.
There was a poem in this month's... I read it and it made me cry.. even though I don't know that I think it's actually that good of poetry... I'm going to transcribe it for you, though, because I think it does a good job of describing what I'm feeling now... (no author is listed, just CLLC- www.counselingforloss.com) I am changing the feiminine pronouns to masculine ones in my reprint, just fyi.
I Will See You Through
I know it wasn't easy for you to let him go,
But love like yours would not hold back your love to suffer so.
And so I took him quickly so he would never know
a lengthy time of darkness that would distress him so.
I left his body here a while, so you could have some time
to be prepared to let him go... He was already mine.
I bid him come while happy, with joyous plans ahead
and laughter in his face and heart, and not one thought of dread.
You have the most to suffer, your loneliness to bear
but know that he is safe with Me, within My loving care.
And never doubt My love for you, I know you wonder why...
Just know My strength will be your joy. My love will never die.
I bore My son's own suffering and I will bear yours too.
Give your doubts and pain and hurt, and I will see you through.
Yes, perhaps it is a bit trite... I think it was the first line that really got me... "But love like yours would not hold back your love to suffer so." I don't even think it's well written, but it's how I *feel.* I couldn't hold him back here and let him suffer... I hated *hated* seeing that... and I thank God every single day that he's not hurting anymore, even if I do miss him so much it aches. I'd choose my pain over his pain any day.
I think that's all I got in me tonight... I might be getting extra emotional with a lack of sleep, so I think I'm going to go to bed.... to read something to get my mind off of this and then "sail far away from Lullaby Bay."
There was a poem in this month's... I read it and it made me cry.. even though I don't know that I think it's actually that good of poetry... I'm going to transcribe it for you, though, because I think it does a good job of describing what I'm feeling now... (no author is listed, just CLLC- www.counselingforloss.com) I am changing the feiminine pronouns to masculine ones in my reprint, just fyi.
I Will See You Through
I know it wasn't easy for you to let him go,
But love like yours would not hold back your love to suffer so.
And so I took him quickly so he would never know
a lengthy time of darkness that would distress him so.
I left his body here a while, so you could have some time
to be prepared to let him go... He was already mine.
I bid him come while happy, with joyous plans ahead
and laughter in his face and heart, and not one thought of dread.
You have the most to suffer, your loneliness to bear
but know that he is safe with Me, within My loving care.
And never doubt My love for you, I know you wonder why...
Just know My strength will be your joy. My love will never die.
I bore My son's own suffering and I will bear yours too.
Give your doubts and pain and hurt, and I will see you through.
Yes, perhaps it is a bit trite... I think it was the first line that really got me... "But love like yours would not hold back your love to suffer so." I don't even think it's well written, but it's how I *feel.* I couldn't hold him back here and let him suffer... I hated *hated* seeing that... and I thank God every single day that he's not hurting anymore, even if I do miss him so much it aches. I'd choose my pain over his pain any day.
I think that's all I got in me tonight... I might be getting extra emotional with a lack of sleep, so I think I'm going to go to bed.... to read something to get my mind off of this and then "sail far away from Lullaby Bay."
Friday, April 8, 2011
Tonight, tonight...
I often wonder how many people catch my musical theater references...
This blog post is going to be strongly themed Nathan... He was very close to my heart and mind today.
I was right-- long day.. but really good. People just blow me away, constantly, with their kindness and their generosity, and their support. Several people told me tonight how strong they thought I was... If I am strong it is because of you. I've been telling a lot of people lately, it seems, about how *well* God is taking care of me... He didn't keep Nathan here, but I have not been abandoned either... There are so many things that people couldn't plan, that no one should have known, that just shouldn't be the way they are... and yet... they are. I have been blessed beyond my wildest imaginings financially, with friends and family, and circumstances. I like to think that Nathan is up in heaven pestering God to take care of me... and that, along with all of your thoughts and prayers, mean I'm being given special extra awesome super grace-love. I'm so grateful... so very grateful.
I almost choked up several times tonight... My voice definitely trembled once or twice... Nathan was a really special guy... I knew that... but I'm pretty sure he would have been blown away by how many of you thought that, too. He really had no idea the impact he made in people's lives. If I can make half the impact in my life that he did in just 25 years I will be thrilled.
By the way, 5 West nurses, I miss you. I saw Melissa tonight just for a brief moment, and it just made me think about how much I miss you all. The situation that brought us together was horrible, but you all are some of the greatest souls that exist in this world. Seriously, I wish that no one would ever have to learn this, but oncology nurses (and drs)... I think they get special crowns in heaven... special crowns with extra stars and shiny bits and other majesties.
One of our friends shared some pictures with me today from college (and the graveside service in Arkansas) that I thought I would share with you.
Seriously... how hot is he! Possibly the only boy in the history of the world who can look that good wearing a pink cap that says "Baby Boy" on it.... probably the only boy who would try.
This was so typical... Jordan Valley and a guitar.
This pretty well was our relationship... Him staring off into the distance, making plans, and me, watching him, waiting to see how I could help.
I loved his casket topper. It was the sticks... He would have loved it, too.
This one is beautiful... but it makes me really sad... That 2011 should be a misprint.
This blog post is going to be strongly themed Nathan... He was very close to my heart and mind today.
I was right-- long day.. but really good. People just blow me away, constantly, with their kindness and their generosity, and their support. Several people told me tonight how strong they thought I was... If I am strong it is because of you. I've been telling a lot of people lately, it seems, about how *well* God is taking care of me... He didn't keep Nathan here, but I have not been abandoned either... There are so many things that people couldn't plan, that no one should have known, that just shouldn't be the way they are... and yet... they are. I have been blessed beyond my wildest imaginings financially, with friends and family, and circumstances. I like to think that Nathan is up in heaven pestering God to take care of me... and that, along with all of your thoughts and prayers, mean I'm being given special extra awesome super grace-love. I'm so grateful... so very grateful.
I almost choked up several times tonight... My voice definitely trembled once or twice... Nathan was a really special guy... I knew that... but I'm pretty sure he would have been blown away by how many of you thought that, too. He really had no idea the impact he made in people's lives. If I can make half the impact in my life that he did in just 25 years I will be thrilled.
By the way, 5 West nurses, I miss you. I saw Melissa tonight just for a brief moment, and it just made me think about how much I miss you all. The situation that brought us together was horrible, but you all are some of the greatest souls that exist in this world. Seriously, I wish that no one would ever have to learn this, but oncology nurses (and drs)... I think they get special crowns in heaven... special crowns with extra stars and shiny bits and other majesties.
One of our friends shared some pictures with me today from college (and the graveside service in Arkansas) that I thought I would share with you.
This was so typical... Jordan Valley and a guitar.
I loved his casket topper. It was the sticks... He would have loved it, too.
This one is beautiful... but it makes me really sad... That 2011 should be a misprint.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I still believe in the good.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me, I think... I need to go to the south side of town after work... and then the fundraiser is tomorrow night...
I'm a little nervous about the fundraiser... I think it will be good, but I'm not at my best with large groups of people.. especially if I don't already know them. (I make horrible 1st impressions... I think I've told you of this... believe me, it's true.) I want to do a good job, but Nathan was the one of us who knew how to mingle and make small talk and just generally be gregarious... I'm the shy one who knew how to keep the relationships going after the "get to know you" phase... it was a good dynamic... Luckily, I know a lot of people who have RSVP'd on facebook, so that should help. I'm always more comfortable with people who I feel like already like me... and I think a lot of you may even read this, so perhaps if you notice a glazed look on my face or a flash of fear/apprehension you will just smile warmly at me and think fondly about how silly I am. Cause I like being thought fondly of. I think I shall just imagine that you are all thinking fondly of me, even if you aren't. Cause it makes me smile... and I like the word fond.
Tonight I went to a game night (my friends host one every week... and sometimes I go.. and sometimes I stay home and watch American Idol.) One of my friends from college was there that I don't see very often... It was nice to see him... Now I'm not naming any names, but I think that anyone who knows him probably know who I'm talking about when I say that my favorite thing about this person is his laugh... It's loud. Really loud. And it just kind of *bursts* out of him. But what I like about it is that my laugh is loud, too... and sometimes I think I shouldn't laugh so boisterously... but I never feel that when I'm hanging around this guy. It's really incredible how freeing it is to not hold anything back when you laugh... makes me actually laugh more than I think I normally would just because it feel so good. Makes everyone else laugh more, too. I encourage everyone out there to find something funny and just let your loudest, most surprising, most boisterous laugh out. It might surprise you with how good it feels... Oh those happy endorphins need to be released!
I've been thinking lately about how blessed I am... People have been taking such good care of me... God has been taking such good care of me... I mean yes there are hard days... there are days when people say dumb things they don't mean... there are lonely days... but... this could all be so much worse... I could have friends who are much stingier with their consideration... I could have a lot more insensitive people in my life. I could only have one or two people whom I could depend on. People are thinking of me... people are trying to make things easier for me... And I can see God's hand in arranging and protecting every single one of my close friendships. Literally every single one. And that doesn't even go into the pre-arrangement God did by giving me the most incredible sets of family a girl could ask for (Nathan's and mine.) And then there are all of you, reading what I write, sending me comments and incredibly sweet facebook messages and praying for me (or sending good thoughts my way, if that's how you roll).
Pandora played this song for me today that I'd never heard before... It feels like someone wrote it for Nathan and I... It might make you cry... it kinda makes me cry every time I hear it... but the part that I like the most is in the chorus. It goes, "And I still believe in the good. And I still believe in the light. And I wanna feel the sun. I wanna free you, tonight." Sometimes I feel like I have to let Nathan go every morning, to get through my day... But I still believe in the good, and I still believe in the light, and I wanna feel the sun... so I have to let him go... and I can't be numb, because that's not life. It's not what he would want for me and I *want* to see the love that people are sharing with me. I want to see the blessings.
I'm a little nervous about the fundraiser... I think it will be good, but I'm not at my best with large groups of people.. especially if I don't already know them. (I make horrible 1st impressions... I think I've told you of this... believe me, it's true.) I want to do a good job, but Nathan was the one of us who knew how to mingle and make small talk and just generally be gregarious... I'm the shy one who knew how to keep the relationships going after the "get to know you" phase... it was a good dynamic... Luckily, I know a lot of people who have RSVP'd on facebook, so that should help. I'm always more comfortable with people who I feel like already like me... and I think a lot of you may even read this, so perhaps if you notice a glazed look on my face or a flash of fear/apprehension you will just smile warmly at me and think fondly about how silly I am. Cause I like being thought fondly of. I think I shall just imagine that you are all thinking fondly of me, even if you aren't. Cause it makes me smile... and I like the word fond.
Tonight I went to a game night (my friends host one every week... and sometimes I go.. and sometimes I stay home and watch American Idol.) One of my friends from college was there that I don't see very often... It was nice to see him... Now I'm not naming any names, but I think that anyone who knows him probably know who I'm talking about when I say that my favorite thing about this person is his laugh... It's loud. Really loud. And it just kind of *bursts* out of him. But what I like about it is that my laugh is loud, too... and sometimes I think I shouldn't laugh so boisterously... but I never feel that when I'm hanging around this guy. It's really incredible how freeing it is to not hold anything back when you laugh... makes me actually laugh more than I think I normally would just because it feel so good. Makes everyone else laugh more, too. I encourage everyone out there to find something funny and just let your loudest, most surprising, most boisterous laugh out. It might surprise you with how good it feels... Oh those happy endorphins need to be released!
I've been thinking lately about how blessed I am... People have been taking such good care of me... God has been taking such good care of me... I mean yes there are hard days... there are days when people say dumb things they don't mean... there are lonely days... but... this could all be so much worse... I could have friends who are much stingier with their consideration... I could have a lot more insensitive people in my life. I could only have one or two people whom I could depend on. People are thinking of me... people are trying to make things easier for me... And I can see God's hand in arranging and protecting every single one of my close friendships. Literally every single one. And that doesn't even go into the pre-arrangement God did by giving me the most incredible sets of family a girl could ask for (Nathan's and mine.) And then there are all of you, reading what I write, sending me comments and incredibly sweet facebook messages and praying for me (or sending good thoughts my way, if that's how you roll).
Pandora played this song for me today that I'd never heard before... It feels like someone wrote it for Nathan and I... It might make you cry... it kinda makes me cry every time I hear it... but the part that I like the most is in the chorus. It goes, "And I still believe in the good. And I still believe in the light. And I wanna feel the sun. I wanna free you, tonight." Sometimes I feel like I have to let Nathan go every morning, to get through my day... But I still believe in the good, and I still believe in the light, and I wanna feel the sun... so I have to let him go... and I can't be numb, because that's not life. It's not what he would want for me and I *want* to see the love that people are sharing with me. I want to see the blessings.
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