Bittersweet

So I've been watching this show on TV called Go On. It's a Matthew Perry show about this guy whose wife died, and now he's in a grief group.  And after that is a show called The New Normal which I'm really enjoying. And then after that is a show called Parenthood. And every Tuesday I think that I should stop watching after The New Normal... and every Tuesday I watch it anyway. Lorelai Gilmore (otherwise known as Lauren Graham) is on Parenthood, and a husband and wife are dealing with her cancer diagnosis.

And it hurts to watch but I do it anyway, because it feels like someone else understands.

For an example: the husband had a mini rant about how someone came up to him and said "God only gives you what you can handle" and how angry that made him.

I literally gasped.

And then when the wife went in to have her first chemo treatment I cried. They get it right on that show-- it really looked like a hospital room.

I want so badly to have a place to go when I'm sad.

I mean, it's tomorrow now and I'm fine, but I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on when I need to cry. Crying alone is the pits.

I've healed up really well, but there are always going to be moments that hurt, and as it stands now I just have to soldier on...

Yesterday I seriously considered posting on fb that I would make baked goods for the next single guy to give me a hug... and then I realized how few single men I knew and got bummed out all over again.

Also, since it's fb official now, I can announce that I have a new niece!

Annika (ah-nik-a) Joy was born yesterday... which may have contributed to my sadness as well... not because I'm sad for a new baby, of course, but because Nathan should be here for this.. he was always so excited about a new niece or nephew.

I'm really ready for things to not be so bittersweet.

Just sweet, please.

Anyone? ... Bueller?

Does any one else, when a friend is leaving your house at night, wait to lock the door and turn off the porch light in case there is a serial killer in the driveway and your friend needs to run back into your house really fast to get away from the axe murderer?

That's just me, then?

Ok. Just checking.

Does anyone else go out and buy a replacement of something just so they can find the original that's been lost for months? (And this is actually an effective strategy?)

Just me, again?

Well, what about this-

Does anyone else leave a chair in the middle of the hallway so you won't forget to buy 9 volt batteries for your smoke detector, but then just climbs over the chair all the time and continually forgets the batteries?

Does anyone else take old clip on earrings and make them into magnets which you then refer to as "fridge bling?"

Does anyone else absolutely hate the way your upper arms look in pictures so you will randomly do arm circles like you used to when you were in high school PE only while sitting in your computer chair, to try and tone them up?

Does anyone else sometimes use "reading a book" as an excuse to go lay down in your bed where you know you will fall asleep within 30 minutes?

Does anyone else keep a stash of Gushers by their computer desk for their random fruit snack cravings?

Does anyone else eat all of the tropical flavor of said Gushers first so that they will only have the strawberry flavored ones eventually which are the clearly superior Gusher flavor?

Has anyone been able to track the development of their tastebuds through college into adulthood by the foods you suddenly realized you loved... or didn't love.

Does anyone else give babies empty Pepsi boxes as toys?

 
And then take lots and lots of pictures of the baby?

Does anyone else think Purple Burrito food is super duper duper bland?

Does anyone else care if they are like anyone else?

Or am I alone in the universe?

Things are happening

I was writing an e-mail to a friend today, and started listing off all the things that happened in April.

It's a large list.

• I was laid off. 
• I applied for grad school
• I studied for the GRE
• I took the GRE
• I aced the GRE (Ok not really, still waiting for the confirmed scores.)
• I got a tattoo
• I threw a bridal shower
• I went home to see family one weekend 
• I went to KC another.

Oh  and I started playing "Draw Something." That's noteworthy, right?

You know what I didn't do in April? Eat mint choc chip ice cream.

A tragedy I'm currently preventing for the month of May.

Everyone has to do their part, you know?

But seriously I could do with May having a few less major happenings. I mean, obviously there is Bill and Melissa's wedding, but other than that how about we settle for being accepted to grad school, getting a GA-ship and of course I'm always open to princes appearing on white horses... or limos if that's how he rolls.

Get it? I'm so punny.

So at long last I've been given permission to let the world know. (And by "the world" I mean you , because you are reading my blog.)

My sister is having another baby!

These children are almost adults. We need an infusion of baby!

Baby Houf is due in Nov. And Rhonda and Isaac don't find out gender cause they are old school like that. Sadly this just means I have to wait until November to buy adorable gender-specific baby clothes.

There is a little twinge of the bitter mixed in with the sweet. Nathan loved being an uncle. I'm sad he won't be here to be terrified of holding the baby.... But I like to think that maybe he'll get to meet the baby before I do, this way.

The importance of peppermints

Whoa, hey! I hit 40,000 views 900 views ago. Awesome! I don't even know when that happened.

So... I'm taking the GRE tomorrow.

I went out and played board games tonight with friends.  :) Whoops.

Or maybe not whoops... they say you should try and be relaxed the night before...

Oh, I took a secret road trip to KC yesterday to go to a friend from HS's surprise 30th b-day party. I didn't tell you, internet, because you can't keep your durn mouth closed and you like to tell all my secrets to everyone, including the person who it is a secret from.

Pretty sure I last saw him at my sister's graduation... or maybe my cousins-- it had definitely been 9 or 10 years... It's so strange to meet people who you have this really strong past-connection with.. completely surreal how you just naturally fall into patterns that you used to have... and Kara was with me (because who wants to drive by yourself to a party where you only know the guest of honor?) So that was doubly weird, because it was like she was transported back in time with me from before she knew me... So I didn't know who I was or if I was comin' or goin'. All I can say is that the entire town of St. Joseph now feels like an alternate dimension to me.

I did manage to get some pretty great shots of Bolt, while we were out and about. Kara's in-laws live about an hour from St. Jo, and let us stay with them last night (we bribed them with Bolt-time, and they were super glad to have us... ok I'm sure they would have been happy to have us anyway, but seriously when you come bearing a grandbaby you can do very little wrong. :) Thus we didn't have to make the whole trip in a day.

Cuuute

Cuuuter

the Pièce de résistance

That kid is so dang cute. Plus we have officially reached the stage where he will giggle at me, just because I'm me, and I find that absolutely delightful.... Yep, I love that a baby thinks I look funny. I'm just weird like that.

Oh right... the GRE.

Yeah it's tomorrow at 1:30... so prayer would definitely be appreciated. I'm nervous, but not too stressed about it, because of what the graduate adviser said when I met with him... I just want to do well. I've always been pretty good at tests... so I'm hoping that remains the case... but... it's a bit nerve-wracking... So I'm going to go to bed and read for a while and then get to sleep so I'm well rested.

Maybe I'll find some peppermints before I go in tomorrow. Do they let you have peppermints? They should.  They stimulate brain activity and reduce fatigue. I remember that from my high school ACT days.

Peppermints are very important

...to life. and sundry other things I'm sure.

Kara owes me a dollar.

I started reading a book today, so you will have to forgive me if my blog post is short... I'm rather excited to get back to it...

Today I bought a dress.. I have specific plans for said dress... Mainly, Easter and Nathan's graduation... but I may wear it to church next Sunday, just because I won't be there on Easter (so it's not gonna spoil the Easter surprise), I never wear dresses to church, and it's a new dress so I'm impatient. However, I shall have to figure out my shoe situation before then. The problem with heels is that they aren't usually comfortable... and flats don't look as nice as heels in my humble opinion... but regardless of height, I have to find something that will match/go... I did find eye makeup that will match... I may have gotten slightly addicted to purchasing eye shadow since I lost Nathan... but I think if buying new eyeshadow makes me feel better, then it's probably not that bad of a vice to have. Could be worse... I could be addicted to buying...computers... or...furniture... or... barbecue grills. Cause, seriously, where would I put three bbq grills? That's what I'm saying!

Also a friend of mine may have convinced me that I need to make some sort of hair accessory, to go with my dress... but that isn't gonna be too hard, as she has lots of hair accessory making supplies

I often get paranoid to mention people by name on my blog.... Cause it's the internet... and while I don't mind my name being out there, I know that some people are not the same as me. So I usually don't use their names... you can tell me if it's ok to name drop you... elsewise I'll keep calling you "a friend" (Sorry Kara, I think I've already name dropped you so many times that it can't be taken back.... I could change your name though... to like... Mara or something.) Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more?

By the way, Kara found out what gender her baby is sooooo looong ago and shall not let me announce it on here until she's told lots and lots of people. It's like she thinks it's her baby/news to tell or something... So my blog is being held hostage. By Mara. I think this means that she owes me a dollar, and I'm quite sure that all of you agree, dontcha?

Babies!

2 things of baby related good news.

1) Is that Nathan's cousin in Springfield had his 2nd son on Saturday. His name is Atherton, but from what I understand he will go by Will (one of his middle names.) How great is the name Atherton!?! I love it.

2) is that I can officially announce that Kara is pregnant! Hooray! I've been wanting to tell the blog-o-sphere for a long time now, but I had to wait until they heard a heartbeat and Josh's mom was back in the country. Cause it really is all about *me* waiting to tell you all, right? Nathan knew and he was so excited for them. I'm really glad that he knew... Nathan loved babies, while still being completely terrified of them (mainly terrified that he would "break" them.) In the journal I found he mentions the birth of Kadin... talks about how adorable she was/is and says that it feels as though she is his niece... and 2 years later she was! I wish so much that Nathan could have been a daddy... He would have been so good at it... even if I might have asked him to not play video games in front of the kids, lest he accidentally let some curse words fly, and even though we totally disagreed about how early is too early to introduce video games to children. I don't worry about Nathan. I know he is happy and well... but there are so many experiences I think wish he could have had here on Earth. He never read any more of the Ender's Game series besides the first one. He never got to see all the Harry Potter movies or all of Battlestar Galactica or anything past the Christmas episode of Glee...I have to keep telling myself that he is either experiencing it all in heaven or he's too busy and happy to even care about that kind of stuff... Doesn't mean that I don't wish I could have seen his face as he held his baby.

Sorry Kara, didn't mean to make this post into a depressing one.... Anyway I just wanted to announce that she was pregnant so that everyone could understand just *how* awesome Kara has been through everything... She found out in the very beginning of January and her life has been a roller coaster ever since, and much more stressful than I would wish for her to have to deal with... She was sick the day of the memorial service here in Springfield... running a temp over 100 off and on and unable to take anything to make her feel better and she didn't make a big deal about it... she didn't ask for one iota of pity... she was just a continual rockstar- both her and baby, and I couldn't have made it this far without them. That's a pretty darn special baby to me... It may not be by blood but that's Nathan and my newest niece or nephew coming along. So everyone be happy for her, because she didn't get enough of the "good news" euphoria that she should have gotten because she was taking care of me. They are going to be wonderful parents, and I'm so happy for them. Please be praying for Kara and baby (and Josh) as this will be such a joyous thing in September and one of the reasons I have faith that 2011 can start turning itself around.

I didn't fall asleep last night until 5 AM, so this will probably have to end my blog post so I can get some sleep, but yesterday was also the first Sat that I didn't suddenly wake up at 7:30 or 8:30 in the morning since that day. Ya win some ya lose some.

On the occasion of August 31st...

There are 31 days in August and this is my 15th blog post. I say that is not too shabby for my first full month of blogging. One every other day? Good show, old chap! (I don't know why I just called myself old and a chap... I just like talking in a British accent in my head, ok!? That's totally normal and commonplace! Gosh, lighten up!)

Nathan's cousin just brought home a little girl from Ethiopia. Her name is Lily Workinesh. Lily was their name choice, Workinesh is her Ethiopian name- it means "you are gold." She is such a doll. So cute! AND one of my college roommates has also just announced via Facebook that in 7-16 weeks they will be bringing home a little boy from Korea. So many international adoptions = so many adorable international babies! This is all in addition to the 11 other people I know who are currently expecting... I swear I'm not that obsessed with babies- they just seem to be bustin' out all over! Ahahaha. I crack myself up, sometimes.

get it? Cause babies make tummies balloon (aka bust) out and then they actually bust out... but not in a gross "Aliens" kinda way.. cause they are humans not aliens. Humans have human babies. That movie was not a documentary.... *phew* Glad we cleared that up.

I made a pillowcase the other day for some adolescent girl who has cancer (Crafthope.com). It was so easy! I love French seaming, I've decided... I may change my mind when I make something more complicated than a pillowcase, but for now I love it... now I want to make lots of pillowcases. I'm getting into the crafty mood again. It's fun, and a good excuse to rewatch Gilmore Girls.... I wish someone would hire me to sit at home and make crafts all day. (No, I don't want to start an Etsy or my own business, I like dependable paychecks and relatively simple tax forms. Minus ambition, remember?) But if you want to start a crafting business I could be your first hire. I can sew, paint, sculpt, fiddle about in illustrator, decorate cakes, bake, and watch TV on DVD with the best of them. I'm also experienced with power tools and basic construction techniques. Just don't make me do the multiplication tables in my head or type with my fingers on home row.

So with the addition of Mario to my schedule, the reading has dropped off. I gotta get back on that bus before all my books are due... Do you know that somehow, yesterday I was able to read a book, play some Mario, watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (don't judge!), mop my kitchen and vacuum the rest of my house, oh and wash and dry my pillowcase. I didn't cook dinner or blog... but I still think it is quite impressive. Someday when I have children I'm gonna have to put all this "fun" stuff aside to play and help with homework and go to sports (ugh) or play (yay!) practices... I plan to pick it all back up when the kids go away. I'm gonna be so into video games when I'm 50!

ok dat's all I got... my husband didn't eat today. (Oh, hello, pre-steroids Nathan!) so we gotta do an early din din. I definitely learned "din din" from an old movie called "Who's Minding the Mint" I think I should probably watch that again sometime... I imagine there is a lot I didn't get when I was 6.

Babies, Cars, and Videogames

In a minor miracle today, I cleaned up my kitchen without prodding, friends visiting, or assistance. I am quite proud of myself.

I get to see my sister today! And Isaac, Kadin, and Jeriah. I'm thrilled to pieces about this. Last Tuesday was Kadin's birthday. The only good thing about that day! So we got her some presents and while shopping picked up an adorable onesie for new baby Houf. Ach, baby clothes... I'm gonna spend so much money when I have a baby on adorable clothes.... Nathan is gonna get into the stroller/car seat/high tech baby stuff and I will be found in the clothing section going, "AWWWW!" over and over and over. By the way, Threadless has adorable baby clothes... and then on top of that they have "hoodsies." That is a onesie with a hood. *melts into a pile of goo* As Kara says, (quoteing something/one else?) Could you just die!?!        ...     ...sooo I'm not sure how well that phrase translates in text, so for context say it out loud to yourself in the same manner that one speaks about baby clothes or puppies and kittens or small Asian children. Does it make sense to you now? Ok, good!

I don't really have much to say about the state of the world today. We finally got Nathan's jeep fixed. We'd been putting it off for like a week and a half, being a one car family but we finally took it in and discovered it was just a bad battery- 82 dollars later and we were good to go! Now for my car, of which the brakes have been acting funky for months but every time we take it in they tell us that everything looks ok... If everything looks ok then while does it make a loud clicking noise and freak out when I try to stop first thing every morning? I can work around it to some extent but if it happens every time I start my car then there are going to be times when I'm out in public and need to stop and not continue for about a foot farther than I should. Parking lots and stopping before I pull into traffic come to mind. (I haven't been driving my car that much, needless to say.) But we are taking it to a different mechanic next week and I'm supremely happy about this.

I've been playing Paper Mario this week and I like it muchly. It was a present from my dear husband for my birthday. He also got me the first video game I ever owned (Kingdom Hearts) for my birthday when I turned like 23 or 22 or something. I was a late bloomer, what can I say?

Babies Backwards-R Post

So I have permission to announce that my little sister is expecting, again!! I'm very excited about new Baby Houf. 1) Because I love new nieces and nephews and 2) Because I love buying baby clothes and having a reason to roam about the baby shoe sections. Mainly I just love babies- especially ones that are related to me and since we do not know about our current/future fertility it's nice to have a few adorable babies around so that I can remember that it's also good to be an aunt who can give the baby back when it needs a diaper change or starts crying.

I love picking out/ discussing baby names, as well. People who don't know me well always get this big eyed expression when I say I have a baby naming book. First off, I'm not very secretive so admitting to having a baby naming book pretty much means as much as not having one. But I just like the book. I think it's a great past time to sit around and come up with favorite names. Plus, if you've never looked at it, the Baby Name Wizard really is a fun book. It's got all sorts of interesting information in it, like when a name was most popular. It also has categories of names- things like "Old Testament" or "Nick-name proof" or my personal favorite, "Porch Sitters." Thanks, Amber, good gift!

I recently discovered a new form of adoption that Nathan and I are considering if fertility does not come back (this is a ways away, not at all in the immediate plans and *no* actual plans have been or are being made) It's called embryo adoption. Basically there are lots of couples who have done in-vitro fertilization and not needed all of the embryos that they froze to complete their family, and so they have a chance to donate these embryos to couples who can't have children on their own. I really like the idea because there is no possibility of the biological parents backing out.  I can't even imagine that heartache. Plus, I would really like to experience pregnancy (though it also scares me to death!) and I really want to be there when every "big moment" happens in those first few months. Plus, you can have siblings that are related to each other, and one of the biggest things to me is that it gives all those poor little frozen babies a chance to be born. Like I said, nothing is actually decided, and obviously we are big fans of "regular" adoption, too.  But this was an option I'd never heard or even thought of, so I thought I would share. First choice, of course, is to not have to worry about it at all, but barring that I also love to ponder adorable little Asian babies, so obviously nothing is set in stone. I just have to keep reminding myself that 27 is not that old, and God's got it under control.

In other news, Smith's Resteraunt on Glenstone??? OMG SOOOOO GOOOOOD!
Hope I didn't just oversell.