I still believe in the good.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me, I think... I need to go to the south side of town after work... and then the fundraiser is tomorrow night...

I'm a little nervous about the fundraiser... I think it will be good, but I'm not at my best with large groups of people.. especially if I don't already know them. (I make horrible 1st impressions... I think I've told you of this... believe me, it's true.) I want to do a good job, but Nathan was the one of us who knew how to mingle and make small talk and just generally be gregarious... I'm the shy one who knew how to keep the relationships going after the "get to know you" phase... it was a good dynamic...  Luckily, I know a lot of people who have RSVP'd on facebook, so that should help. I'm always more comfortable with people who I feel like already like me... and I think a lot of you may even read this, so perhaps if you notice a glazed look on my face or a flash of fear/apprehension you will just smile warmly at me and think fondly about how silly I am. Cause I like being thought fondly of. I think I shall just imagine that you are all thinking fondly of me, even if you aren't. Cause it makes me smile... and I like the word fond.

Tonight I went to a game night (my friends host one every week... and sometimes I go.. and sometimes I stay home and watch American Idol.) One of my friends from college was there that I don't see very often... It was nice to see him... Now I'm not naming any names, but I think that anyone who knows him probably know who I'm talking about when I say that my favorite thing about this person is his laugh... It's loud. Really loud. And it just kind of  *bursts* out of him. But what I like about it is that my laugh is loud, too... and sometimes I think I shouldn't laugh so boisterously...  but I never feel that when I'm hanging around this guy. It's really incredible how freeing it is to not hold anything back when you laugh... makes me actually laugh more than I think I normally would just because it feel so good. Makes everyone else laugh more, too. I encourage everyone out there to find something funny and just let your loudest, most surprising, most boisterous laugh out. It might surprise you with how good it feels... Oh those happy endorphins need to be released!

I've been thinking lately about how blessed I am... People have been taking such good care of me... God has been taking such good care of me... I mean yes there are hard days... there are days when people say dumb things they don't mean... there are lonely days... but... this could all be so much worse... I could have friends who are much stingier with their consideration... I could have a lot more insensitive people in my life. I could only have one or two people whom I could depend on. People are thinking of me... people are trying to make things easier for me... And I can see God's hand in arranging and protecting every single one of my close friendships. Literally every single one. And that doesn't even go into the pre-arrangement God did by giving me the most incredible sets of family a girl could ask for (Nathan's and mine.) And then there are all of you, reading what I write, sending me comments and incredibly sweet facebook messages and praying for me (or sending good thoughts my way, if that's how you roll).

Pandora played this song for me today that I'd never heard before... It feels like someone wrote it for Nathan and I... It might make you cry... it kinda makes me cry every time I hear it... but the part that I like the most is in the chorus. It goes, "And I still believe in the good. And I still believe in the light. And I wanna feel the sun. I wanna free you, tonight." Sometimes I feel like I have to let Nathan go every morning, to get through my day... But I still believe in the good, and I still believe in the light, and I wanna feel the sun... so I have to let him go... and I can't be numb, because that's not life. It's not what he would want for me and I *want* to see the love that people are sharing with me. I want to see the blessings.