Of Malls and Men

I went to the mall today--- it'd been a while, and I won't have the disposable income to go again for a while, so I thought it might be nice. I got several cute things, but one thing particular was super "me."

I saw it laying on a table and I loved the look of it but when I held it up I thought for sure it was going to look terrible on me. But then I tried it on and I loved it.

Then I took it to the register and it was 1/2 off. Sweet!

Yep. It's a pink rainbow.

I'm in love.

I repainted my nails just for this sweater, I kid you not.

I'd give you a picture of more than my arm in the sweater but my computer is being obstinante and not letting me flip them so they'd be sideways.

Oh what the heck. You can manage with a sideways pic, right?

What am I doing with my lip there?

What the- hey!

I swear, on my computer that shows up sideways. So weird, computer. So weird.

On a different subject, I read this yesterday-

“And he absolutely had to find her at once to tell her that he adored her, but the large audience before him separated him from the door, and the notes reaching him through a succession of hands said that she was not available; that she was inaugurating a fire; that she had married an American businessman; that she had become a character in a novel; that she was dead.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire

I love that.--(Be warned, I haven't actually read that book and I know the quote is totally out of context.)

Add this to two things said today- One from a friend on facebook:

"Lesson to guys: See a pretty girl, ask her out. I bet she doesn't get asked hardly ever. If she's not dating someone she will probably say yes."

 One from a friend in Starbucks, "But we've [girls] been taught for centuries and centuries and centuries that we should be fought for."

They are both right, at least in a way. I think that every girl really wants to be made much of. She wants someone to try and fight through the crowd to reach her. She likes at least the idea of the grand gesture. I used to always say that I wanted a secret admirer... heck I still probably do, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Maybe it would be creepy in actuality, but I'm not totally convinced. I think that "being fought for" is really different these days than it used to be. 

Now it means that you are willing to fight yourself. You are willing to fight the fear of rejection. (That's a big deal!) You are willing to fight off your self-preservation instincts to be vulnerable. Be the you that other people don't see. That you'd never be around your buddies.

I guess the thing is that I know movies are ridiculous and that things never turn out that way. But if there can be war and cancer and all the bad stuff that you see, and it can all be real... then why can't those sweeping romantic gestures be real, too?

Why did I have to battle through my husband's cancer and death, but when it comes to a happy ending, that's when I need to be realistic? Forget that. Someone find me a Disney prince*, STAT!

*only from the Little Mermaid on- No cardboard princes, please.

Reading, Writing, and Funfetti

I've started to reread the Indian in the Cupboard... and I realized now that I've actually embarked on writing a YA novel that I really pay attention to how authors write. I have to keep reading and plow through to let my brain disengage... It's a little sad, actually.  But good for me. If I'm going to be an author this is the type of stuff I *should* be paying attention to, rather than just relying on my instincts.

Don't get me wrong, I think I have good instincts. Honed from reading millions and millions of books.... ok maybe thousands and thousands... but good instincts nonetheless. But it might be good to be aware of the choices I'm making so that I can defend them if need be.

I thought the other day while reading over someone's work. "Why didn't I become an editor?" I really enjoy sitting with a colored pen, marking up manuscripts.... but maybe that's why. I'm too much of an old fuddy-duddy, still marking manuscripts by hand when I could be digitally editing... there is just something so comfortable about sitting there reading a physical page with a pen in your mouth. Especially if it's something you enjoy reading, rather than a some scholarly paper or an instruction manual.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to yet. Maybe I there were some experiences I needed to have and some time that needed to pass before I was ready... I never actually knew I was a writer until the past few months.

Dreams and plans can change so fast... and so slow.

Hey! I found a Funfetti sweater!!! I'm so excited. I just had to go to the Jrs section to find it. Oh Arizona company... I still love you, even after all these years.


It kinda looks like this

only with buttons

And the most important part is that when you see it up close it looks like this:

Funfetti!!

Wider than a mile

So, It was a good day.

I got up late and got some lunch, then went to work on my One Act. Yes that's right, I finally decided it's a One-Act. I need the lighting and actions too much for it to be Reader's Theatre. So I got to work and made good progress for 3 hours, until I hit a block. So I went and got a GWCPM (Grande White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha in case you don't read my blog much and aren't familiar with my obsession.) Then I came back and settled in for another 2 hours until a friend called in need of help.

It was my favorite kind of need for help. The kind that involves me going to the mall to help with costumes.

It was both fun and a good work out. Cause we only had 90 minutes... and btw we finished with 40 to spare. I am a go-go speed walker!

Then I decided since I was already out that I should look into this whole size-smaller jeans thing. So I went to Target where I got my current favorite pair of jeans, picked out a whole mess of jeans and went to the dressing room. I picked up the first pair and thought, "Who am I kidding? These aren't gonna fit me!" Tried anyway, and... they fit perfectly. Yesssssss!

They all fit, even the skinny leg jeans, though my calves felt like they were hulking out in those.

So now I own a pair of jeans exactly like the pair of jeans that are my favorites... only they are a size smaller than my favorites. Looks like there is a new favorite in town!

And then I bought some fingerless gloves that have a flap that makes them into mittens. Which makes them a portmanteau word-- Glittens? Miloves? They were way too expensive but I justified it to myself by putting back something else I was going to buy.

And then I got in my car and checked my phone and read an e-mail I'd just recieved:

"I love you Renee

Kadin Abigail Houf I’m 6"

She's 6 and I'm a melted pile of aunt-goo. Seriously, I love that kiddo so much!

And then I came home and finished my One Act. Or at least I think it's finished... and it was only an hour and 10 minutes and 34 seconds late.

I'm never quite sure... and it scares me so much to turn in something so different from my classmates... I'm not trying to zig when everyone else zags... but feels like I'm doing it anyway. So everyone else turned in these delightful little shows about fairy tales and princesses and some of them are hilarious. And I wrote a drama about a girl dealing with the death of her brother. ZAG! ZIG! WIGGITY WHACK!

I'm just sure that at some point they are going to all find out that I'm not nearly as good as they thought... that it was all just a fluke and I'm actually trite and cliche and predictable. And then the fall will be that much worse, because they thought I was good, before. And it's hard too, cause when you write something it's just so-- personal. You know? It's a part of me. A part of me that I'm saying, "Here, I think this is worthy. Judge it.  Rip it to shreds if you have to." *closes eyes with a wince and then peeks with one eye*

And if they love it... well then they love *you.*

But if they hate it... well, then they hate *you.*

And if you recall, I even want the Taliban to like me.

At least Kadin loves me.

P.S. Because of an episode of Hart of Dixie (don't judge!) I became obsessed with "Moon River" today. Here's my favorite girl version:

Where the wild things blog

I got my car back today!! Everyone at the collision center was *much* friendlier than they were on Monday morning. People get grumbly on Mondays. All the damage was cosmetic- no internal damage, and because it was repaired at the dealership there is a warranty on it. It's ridiculous how excited I was to see it... and how glad I am that it no longer makes that horrible popping noise when I open the door. It felt like an old friend had come back to me. I talked to it when I got inside it, like it was a child. I introduced it to my new tights. No, I seriously did.

I swear I don't need psychological help... but if you don't believe me, no need to worry, one of my good friends is a counselor so she'd tell me if I did... and least I think she would.

I also spent a good deal of the day looking for some cute, black, closed-toe, medium height heels. I went to 7 different stores before I found some. 7 stores!?! Ach. It was ridiculous. *everything* is peep toe right now.... or 10 inches tall and glittery. Don't get me wrong, I love peep toe shoes, but they aren't super awesome with tights, and I might have mentioned my love of tights lately??

I should have spent at least some of today cleaning my place. I live in the city, not the country. Someone could stop by my house at any moment, and what wreck they would find!

Unfortunately all my greatest cleaning binges hit me at 3:30 in the morning. I'm kinda like a meth addict that way... but unlike the meth addict my response to these urges are something akin to: It's too late to clean, I might wake someone up... I think I'll go sleep instead.

I think I'll go to sleep and make mischief of one kind

or another.

Good night, moon.

Yes, that writing for children and YA class is rubbing off on me, in a big way.

Elusive Silver Gilding

I love cable TV channels. I think this is a fact generally well known to all. Especially Bravo. There is something about their brand of reality tv that I find both fascinating and addictive... but I've not been watching a lot of TV as of late and I think there is a reason for this. I'm at home, as most everyone knows and my parents have cable (well, it's technically satellite) and I've noticed that TV is pretty well chock full of emotional landmines for me. Yesterday, it was a commercial for something where the man was talking about the beautiful things he's seen in his life (and we keep seeing home footage of a girl/lady growing older) and then he says the most beautiful image he's ever seen is the image that the drs used to catch his wife's cancer early, so that she could be cured. And then you see the same woman and a man looking at something in a dr. office, and then even later at like a grandkid's birthday party or something... and it's really sweet, but... ach. Sometimes it's so hard not to ask "Why us? Why him?" But I know that's a hard, sad path to walk, and one without any resolution. So I try to keep focused on other things...

Went shopping today, like old times... well, with the addition of two little ones. It was fun, though, and honestly the kids did great, for being out all day... Plus Mom got to eat at Chik-fil-a twice in one day! I taught Rhonda how to play a game on my PSP... Unfortunately the battery wasn't fully charged so she didn't get to play for long... but I have no doubt if she had she would currently be wiping the floor with my Katamari scores... She's always been better at video games than me... I just like them.

Most adorable moment of the trip went to Jeriah, who seemed to develop a bit of a crush on an Old Navy mannequin. He just went over and gave her a long hug... He stopped just as I got my camera out, so we made him do it again, so you all could enjoy it as well.

True love.

And that's pretty well when I stopped taking pictures while we were out. I had stores to visit and things to buy!

So I'll show you some pictures I took after we got home- Here we see the beautiful Kadin showing off her new purse (seen around head), pink skirt, and shoes. Trust me when I say that the black purse is a much classier purse than the blue sequined dog purse she almost got.



Jeriah got cowboy boots! Those are actually rather hard to find without characters on them. Also of interest: Jeriah wears the same size shoe as Kadin. He is not quite three and she is 5 and a half.

I especially enjoy the one pant leg up, one down look he was sporting pretty well all night... though which pant leg switched a few times.

And! We finished the gingerbread church!

I know you can't see them very well, but those are some really awesome bushes on the side of that church... along with... you know... the roof... and the silver plated floor inside the church. Only in the most holiest of Gummi Bear churches do you see examples of the elusive silver gilded floor.

Pandora interrupted

Don't call my name, Alejandro.

It's my determination that all the jokes are funnier and everyone laughs harder when you hit 1 AM. It's like when everyone reaches just that right level of punchy... In college it was also the time when going to Steak and Shake or IHOP was most often suggested.... 1 AM pancakes are a thing of beauty... and calories.

Sing it for the boys, Sing it for the girls, Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.

I painted my bird pictures tonight... so they will be going up tomorrow.. and then I will probably post pictures of my sweet new living room cause I'm pretty darn proud of how nice it looks... Unfortunately I realized after I finished all the pictures that I wanted to put them the opposite direction that they were drawn/painted... so I'm not sure exactly how that will work.. I may just have to choose a different wall to put them on, and pretend like it was on purpose... cause none of you will tell anyone, right?   ...Right!?! Yes, I know I could just paint over them and start over again, but seriously who wants to do that? Not me.

 I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me. But why do I feel this party's over?

I posted this on facebook, but I will share it with ya'll, too. I went to the mall yesterday with Paula... I bought a few new things, but it is my belief that to guarantee that you find a few things you like enough to buy, you pick up one of everything you like in the store... sometimes in multiple sizes, if you aren't sure what size you are anymore. Today my biceps are sore from how heavy my arm loads of try-ons were as I roamed JCPenny. I'm not joking... it's slightly ridiculous. Obviously I need to be doing more chicken flying on my Wii.

 Baby, you're a firework.

You know something that I don't think I ever believed before, but am slowly coming to accept as truth... Everyone has these huge insecurities in themselves that they live their life trying to hide. It's not just me. This person who I thought had it all together?  They are insecure about their future. This girl who I thought was absolutely beautiful? Worries about her weight. The boy who I thought couldn't be any cooler? Desperately trying to cover up the fact that he's actually a huge dork. And when I find these things in other people it makes me want to hug them... Because the glimpse inside their head makes me so much more aware that I might be able to say something to deeply impact them... I could affect them... we aren't as different as I thought.

Take my hand, close your eyes. With you right here, I'm a rocketeer.

So much of my life has become saying each morning, "Ok, God, what now?" I never could have predicted on January 1st what my life would be like on March 27th. I couldn't have predicted the events that have occurred, the people I've become close to, the way my living room looks... heck, I never would have even predicted that I would be blogging so much. All I know, is that God's leading me through and I just have to trust that He knows better than I do.

You know that I could use somebody.

(I swear I just used the lyric that Pandora was singing when I pushed enter after a paragraph...  The correlation?  I guess that just shows how easily I can be affected by the music I'm transcribing.) Btw, I need an editor to check my Affect vs Effect usage in my post.

I hope that you like this, but you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me.

(I had to! It was too perfect!)

No Leukemia!

I wanted to entitle this post "A Haunting in Missouri" but was afraid people would click on it to actually read about a haunting, and then would get mad at me cause it's not about a haunting... but I'm sure I don't care too much about what people think... noooo, not at all.

Well I have great news. We got the results back from the crazy long day last Tuesday and Nathan is still 100% leukemia-free. Now we have planned a party to celebrate Sept 28. It is called "One Year of Kicking Cancer in the FACE" Party. Not that we in any way feel strongly about it.... :) You can come if you are in Spring-town on the 28! I have to admit, I didn't want to make any solid plans until we heard back from the biopsy results. Perhaps it's a little superstitious, but I'm just so aware of how quickly and easily the rug can get pulled out from under you, and it hurts to have your heart set on one thing and to not be able to do it. It's so hard to believe it's been a year... and I can't believe it's only been a year. Time ceased making any kind of sense a while back.  But it's slowly making it's way back... I can see bits of "normal" here and there. Nathan takes out the trash sometimes, and sometimes he gets me a drink, and I see the "I feel like crap but I'm putting on a brave face" face a lot less. (Granted they did just lower his prednisone dosage, so this has been a bit of a rougher week.) Having that port out... it means a lot to the both of us.... I think I'm nearly as excited as he is that he can now reach above his head with his right arm. Being able to just hop in the shower... You just don't know what it's like until you can't... I don't even know what it's like, I just have an idea. There are just lots and lots of little things that I'm treasuring in my heart everyday.

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy fall as much as I can, as I missed it last year. I'm contemplating Pumpkin Harvest Cupcakes from "The Cup" (pumpkin cake and cinnamon butter cream....mmmmmmm). I'm admiring Nathan's newest fashion love (a dark brown jacket we got him last weekend). I'm planning a Corn Maze Trip for some point in the next month or so. I'm ready to see those leaves turn colors and to feel the bite in the air. Perhaps I will even begin thinking of fabulous costume ideas soon. You know how I love a good costume... well, perhaps you don't, but let me tell you. I *LOVE* costumes. Seriously. Things I love in life: Nathan, family and friends, costumes, reading, and rainbows. That pretty much sums it all up. One of the reasons I'm excited to have kids is all of the adorable costumes I can create... Plus then we can do FAMILY costumes! (I would like to reiterate how perfect my husband is for me. It's so nice that he loves me enough to let me dress him up every year.)

Last year on Halloween my aunt, Dawn, was visiting and we were in the hospital and we got on the elevator and there was a nurse dressed up in the old school nursing outfit... Like all white, hair bun, pointy hat with a red cross on it. old school... I wanted to ask if she was in costume or if that was normal attire, but I didn't want to insult her, like if she was about to get pinned (I think that's what they call it when you become an official nurse) and was paying homage to the long and venerable history of nursing. But seriously how great would it have been if she wasn't a nurse and just worked in billing or something... Anyway, Dawn  was having all the same thoughts as I was, so we couldn't look at each other as we rode the elevator and as soon as we got off and the doors closed we started talking about it... we decided we much preferred to think that she was not in fact a nurse... But the truth is still a mystery... was it a costume, a nod to tradition, or a time warp inside that elevator... it haunts me, still.

Today, I bought toilet paper just because it was Susan G Komen for the Cure, toilet paper. I figure there are worse reasons to buy things. And there were no stupid bears on the package. Then I bought Kleenexes in boxes that weren't those horrendous marble-y designs that they haven't changed for 10 years. And then I bought "marble loaf cake" and thought of you, Amber. So to sum up: Curing cancer is a good advertising slogan, and marblelization belongs in cake, not tissue box design.

Ok I guess I'm not really that haunted.

P.S. Gleeee! *squeal* *Muppet panic* *run into glass door and knock myself out* *wake up* *stand up and furtively look around* *fix hair and act like I meant to do that, while hoping no one noticed*

Why do I climb the mountain? Because I'm in love.

Today Nathan had to get a dressing change, so we went to the South side of town. While there we went to the mall as well, cause I had 15 dollars in JC penny gift cards burning a hole in my pocket and when I say 15 dollars what I actually mean is 3 cards with 15 dollars each on them, because my (paternal) Grandma buys them in bulk for her very large family and sends them out for birthdays and anniversaries... only my mom hardly ever shops at JC Penny so I got their anniversary gift card for my birthday (Thanks, Mom!) and then I got one from grandma for my birthday (a week? late) and then I got *another* one for my birthday last week. Apparently Grandma just remembered the being late part and not that she actually mailed me something already, so I got a double portion of Birthday.... and I didn't tell her. This might make me a bad person, but I didn't want to say, "uhhhh Grandma, you already gave me one of these..." that just seems rude... and I *like* JC Penny!

What do you think? Should I go out and slash some car tires cause I'm already an evil person, or do you think it's forgivable? Well, forgivable or not, I'm now the proud owner of 4 new tank camisoles (with lace!!) and a zip up sweater jacket hoodie. That's 5 articles of clothing for 10 dollars a piece plus tax. (Literally- pre tax it was 49.99.) Not as good as 4 for $30, but everything I bought was slightly more than 50% off so I think it's a great deal. Plus I can never find lace-edged tank tops that work for my body type, so this makes me super jazzed. Ya wanna know the problem? While it is September, it is not cold enough out there for my sweater jacket... meaning it's going to have to languish in my closet until that fall chill is in the air... Only I want to wear it now.. Do you think that I can convince Nathan to turn down the air conditioner just so I can wear my new clothes?? I love new clothes! It's finally raining, but it's been so long since I bought my rain boots that I keep forgetting about them. I don't want my sweater to be the new rain boot! (Plus imagine how soggy that would be. ewww.)

I bought a purple tank top... This makes me nervous because people who like the color purple are *very* devoted to it... and if you wear it they think you are a devotee as well. So they come up to you and gush about how much they love that color and isn't it the greatest color and about all the purple clothes they have ever owned and how it's their favorite color in the world and the whole time you are thinking... "I just own it cause I think it looks good on me... I don't even like purple that much." I almost didn't try it on, because I'm so paranoid about these people... but then I did, cause I tried on every color and darn it if it didn't look good on me... so I got it. But if you come up to me and tell me you like my purple tank top don't be surprised if I eye you suspiciously and then sidle away from you.

Also, Katie led me to this gem today.


The funny thing about it is that the source material is just as crazy as the song-- all they had to do was set it to music. Shatner wasn't actually edited or "re-mixed" all that much. How has this man had a career for this long!?! Don't get me wrong I love Captain Kirk.... but Shatner is looney tunes! Alright... I don't think anything can follow that, honestly. So I'll see you tomorrow. Same bat time, same bat channel.