Not-so-trivial Thankfulness 30

Seems fitting that for my last entry I talk about something I'm thankful for that isn't trivial.

And that something (shocking, though it may be to you) is people.

I've said it before and I will say it again, many times. I've been blessed. Blessed beyond my wildest imaginings with friends and family.

I can come on pretty strong when I feel like I have a connection with someone and I'm thankful for the people who are patient with me.

I can also be very shy and come across as uninterested in a friendship, and I'm thankful for the people who can push past my seeming standoffishness.

I'm grateful for the people who think I'm worth getting to know and the ones who don't really have a choice in the matter, but still manage to love me and think I'm funny.

I don't think there was ever a girl so lucky in her birth or in the people who choose to be her friend, and I'm thankful. So very very very thankful that you are in my life.

Trivial Thankfulness 29

Today I'm thankful for color. I really like color... If Pleasantville and The Wonderful Wizard of Oz have taught us nothing, it's that a world without color would be boring.

Trivial Thankfulness 28

Today I'm thankful for my craft-loving nature. I really enjoy creating things with my hands... art or sewing projects or clay sculptures or whatever. I just like making stuff. It's also super relaxing for me... which may be why I have given myself 2 sewing projects to complete between now and Christmas.

Perhaps not my most genius idea ever?

And yes, crafting is genetic. I'm sure of it.

Trivial Thankfulness 27

Today I'm thankful for my ability to fall asleep despite having just drunk a  cup of coffee.

My sleep schedule is insane, but if I had to alter my coffee consumption or suffer consequences it would make me a very unhappy camper.

Vulnerability: The First

Today Melissa and I were talking about something... and then the same subject came up on a television show I watched online... and then again in a different way on a different show. (To be fair I also read an entire Shakespeare play this evening, so don't judge me too harshly.) So because the same subject came up so very often today I thought I would talk about it.

Melissa and I were talking about Brené Brown's book. She is reading it and recommended it to me. I know of Brené Brown from a couple of TED talks that she did that I love. (I blogged about them here.) Melissa and I were talking about communication and being yourself and being straightforward and power dynamics and the lack of power dynamics. And that got us on the subject of admitting ones needs/wants/desires.

There is something in us, and I'm not sure if by "us" I mean "Americans" or I mean "human beings," but there is something that feels like we should not admit what we want or need. That somehow, by being honest about who we are, we are displaying weakness and declaring ourselves pathetic. No one wants to be thought of that way and so we hide our wants and desires. We don't share what we actually want, deep down, because we are afraid that we will be judged for it -- labeled as "needy" --or we will be told no and that will hurt.

So we bottle it up and tamp it down and generally try as hard as we can to avoid being vulnerable. Brené Brown says that vulnerability is essential to living a full and content life, though, and while I've not read her book I do greatly agree with those TED talks, so I've put her book on hold at the library.

Then I was watching Hart of Dixie, (because I'm totally hooked even though I wouldn't call it good television by any stretch of the imagination.) And the theme of the episode was romance... and how romance is about the willingness to take a chance and be a fool. It's true... love and marriage isn't about being cool, it's about being silly and being real and being ok with all that. At one point the main character says of a fifteen year old kid that he is tough, that expressing his feelings took guts, and she tells him that he is braver than most grown men that she knows. Again: vulnerability is hard but it's commendable and something to be respected.

And then I was watching Go On which is that widower show that I've mentioned a few times and the main character had an old friend from college come visit, and through the course of the episode he discovers that he has feelings for her (though he's not ready yet to act on them) and at the end they talked about it and she is really honest/vulnerable and admits that she has feelings for him, too (and has since college) but they can't date, because she knows he's not ready and she doesn't want to be "the first" after his wife.

That last part kinda slayed me... cause 1) it was so cool that they just talked about it, straightforwardly. --Ach, to just talk about romantic feelings as though they aren't something to hide from or be ashamed about.... that's my dream world! But 2) because she didn't want to be first.

 I think that's a real thing that people get concerned about with widows/widowers... and if I'm gonna be honest about my needs/desires: I want to date, I want to get married and I want to have children... and I really want that all to happen relatively soon. I'm going to be 30 next year and my biological clock has been primed for five years now... but for any of those dreams to happen, someone has to be the first. And if there isn't (at least) a first then I won't get any of those things... And that is a dream that will very much hurt if I'm told no.

And I am afraid to say it, for fear that it makes me sound desperate (when I'm really not) or unhappy (which I'm also not) or trolling for a husband (still, not.) But if you can't be real on your blog where can you be real?

Trivial Thankfulness 25

Today I'm thankful for amazon.com

It makes my shopping so easy!

Trivial Thankfulness 22, 23, 24

Whoops... Sorta fell behind on account of the holidays.

I'm thankful for cute kids... I'm such a sucker for an adorable kid and there are so many out in the world just roaming around.

I'm thankful for a bit of disposable income so I can go Black Friday shopping.

And tonight I'm thankful that I don't eat like it's Thanksgiving every weekend or I'd weigh a million pounds.

Trivial Thankfulness 21

I'm thankful for this time of year. I sincerely love the holidays... Once a year everyone gets on board my "humanity is good" train. And I think the world is a better place for it.

Trivial Thankfulness 20

This evening I'm thankful for Spotify.

My taste in music can be eclectic and I go on some serious "kicks" (meaning I play songs over and over and over.) Spotify helps me legally sate my musical appetite, while allowing me an almost endless sea of songs to chose from, and that makes me a happy gal.

Trivial Thankfulness 19

I'm thankful for upcoming vacations...

It's only 3 extra days and they will be full of things to do, but it's a little extra time to do homework and a great excuse to see family.

Trivial Thankfulness 18

Tonight I'm thankful for accents... They make life fun.

Also, am I the only one who suddenly finds herself singing along with twang when she's listening to country music? I crack myself up.

Trivial Thankfulness 17

Tonight I am thankful for days when I can give over to my insane sleep schedule. Yesterday I slept from 8:30 -midnight, was awake from midnight till about 5 AM, slept again from 5 until 10 or so, was awake from 10-3, slept from 3-5 and then have been awake since 5.  (It is currently 8:30)

You know how some people like to snack throughout the day rather than eating one big meal?  Well, today I nap-snacked.

So this evening I'm thankful for nap-snacking.

And also the ability to make up words.

Unfair

Last night I was trying to write when I was hit with some pretty intense upper back pain. I think that it was from taking a nap and sleeping on it wrong and then sitting strangely on the couch while writing... Well, to be honest, I sit strangely pretty often... always have.

Yep.

Anyway, I was trying to write, but pretty soon I couldn't. So I went and took a couple of Tylenol because that's a muscle relaxant, and I dug out my heating pad and put it on my back and waited.

And there was no position that made it hurt any less and it took quite some time before it I started to feel even mildly better... and it made me cry. It didn't make me cry because my back hurt so much, though it was rather painful. I cried because Nathan went through that... only his didn't end with a few tylenol, a heating pad and some sleep. It kept going for months and months on end. And it just made me even more aware of how amazing he was and how sad I am that he had to hurt for so long.

I hate how unfair life is sometimes. He didn't deserve the pain he went through.

I miss him. Still.

Always.

Trivial Thankfulness 16

I feel like I could say I'm thankful for the internet like every day. It's how I find cool gadgets, how I keep in touch with people and how I see super sweet pictures of my new baby niece.

Today I'm thankful for socks. Socks keep my feet warm and protect my heels from blisters. They also look cute under boots.

Trivial Thankfulness 15

Today I'm thankful for soup.

It is warm when I am not.

Trivial Thankfulness 14

Today I'm thankful for coats and gloves and hats and scarves and all manner of winter attire.

I'm also thankful for the tall boot trend that's been going on.

Everyone on campus looks so cute these days!

Bittersweet

So I've been watching this show on TV called Go On. It's a Matthew Perry show about this guy whose wife died, and now he's in a grief group.  And after that is a show called The New Normal which I'm really enjoying. And then after that is a show called Parenthood. And every Tuesday I think that I should stop watching after The New Normal... and every Tuesday I watch it anyway. Lorelai Gilmore (otherwise known as Lauren Graham) is on Parenthood, and a husband and wife are dealing with her cancer diagnosis.

And it hurts to watch but I do it anyway, because it feels like someone else understands.

For an example: the husband had a mini rant about how someone came up to him and said "God only gives you what you can handle" and how angry that made him.

I literally gasped.

And then when the wife went in to have her first chemo treatment I cried. They get it right on that show-- it really looked like a hospital room.

I want so badly to have a place to go when I'm sad.

I mean, it's tomorrow now and I'm fine, but I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on when I need to cry. Crying alone is the pits.

I've healed up really well, but there are always going to be moments that hurt, and as it stands now I just have to soldier on...

Yesterday I seriously considered posting on fb that I would make baked goods for the next single guy to give me a hug... and then I realized how few single men I knew and got bummed out all over again.

Also, since it's fb official now, I can announce that I have a new niece!

Annika (ah-nik-a) Joy was born yesterday... which may have contributed to my sadness as well... not because I'm sad for a new baby, of course, but because Nathan should be here for this.. he was always so excited about a new niece or nephew.

I'm really ready for things to not be so bittersweet.

Just sweet, please.

Trivial Thankfulness 13

Thankful that I live in a time in which capes are sold commercially.

And that I've somehow managed to find the guts to wear mine non-ironically.

Trivial Thankfulness 12

Have I been thankful for the internet yet? I feel like I should be thankful for the internet. *goes to check* Yep, sure 'nough... I was thankful for the internet two days ago.

Soooo tonight... I guess tonight I'm going to be thankful for...

Electric blankets.

Being a widow (who is apparently also completely terrifying to men**) there is a severe lack of snuggling in my life, so an electric blanket is about the closest that I can come, and it's pretty nice on super cold nights.

** I'm not sure that I'm actually all that terrifying but it's how I make myself feel better than Nathan's grandfather has had five women propose marriage to him since Nathan's grandmother died a month and a half before Nathan passed away and I've had only had one guy express any interest at all.

Trivial Thankfulness 11

Today I'm thankful for chocolate chip cookies. I'm not sure how this shy extrovert ever would have made friends in college without them. As icebreakers go, they are some of the best.

Trivial Thankfulness 10

Today I'm thankful for laptops.

It's so nice that I can take my computer wherever I need to go and do whatever I need to do on it.

I can write in a coffee shop.

I can check facebook in McDonalds.

I can revise a story in a vehicle.

That range of mobility is super neato.

Trivial Thankfulness 9

Today I'm thankful for the internet... our lives are *so* much easier because of it.

Also it makes being a textrovert a lot more fun than it would otherwise be.

Trivial Thankfulness 8

Today I'm thankful for couches. They are really great. For sitting, for napping, for playing video games, for skipping the light fandango... They simply can't be beat!

...actually I bet couches are terrible dancers.

Trivial Thankfulness 7

Today I'm thankful for text-message pictures and liquid eye-liner. The latter for giving me cat-eyes and the former for giving me the opinion of my best friend, despite her 1,000 mile distance from me.

Trivial Thankfulness 6 (Shakespeare edition)

Today I'm thankful that 3/4 of the Creative Writing program at Missouri State are men. It's as though I suddenly find myself in possession of 30 new brothers, or having no actual brothers, what I perceive brothers to be like. This one tells me of an animated Anne of Green Gables series, that one promises to bring in a Harry Potter crazy fan documentary for me to borrow. Another makes me a copy of a story that he thinks I will like and that my story harkens to. One I run into all the time so it's as though I'm strangely (and happily) never far from a friend, and still another just walks up to hug me when he feels that my story has been unfairly and unjustly critiqued and tells me not to listen to anything that one (sadly also a male) has said-- which manages to prompt five other people into telling me that they wrote on their critiques that the cad was entirely mistaken.

Truly, also I say unto you that if my pattern of speech does seem most strange, and if it brings unto your mind a different time then the fault solely can be laid at the feet of Shakespeare. A most elevated bard whose plays this very election night I have read and from whom I have only been parted e'en these few blog penning minutes.

Peace be with you.

Trivial Thankfulness 5

Today I'm thankful for libraries and my ability to read quickly. One gives me the books for class and one gives me the knowledge inside them.

I'm also thankful for the BBC Shakespeare series which the MSU library has the entire collection of... meaning that I can watch people perform a play as I'm reading it... everything makes so much more sense that way!

Trivial Thankfulness 4

Today I'm thankful for Germans... or at least their love of board games, but it seems mean to only like a country for their fondness for games, so I'm just going to be thankful for them all.

Because Germans love board games they give out a big muckety muck award every year-- the Spiel des Jahres. It's like the Oscar of board games. and because they give out this award my friends and I know what are some really great games to purchase/play, which means we have reasons to get together, which means we have fun.

And I am firmly in favor of having fun.

Fun makes the world go round.

Trivial Thankfulness 3

Today I'm thankful for hair dye.

I love that I can go from this 2 months ago:

 To this: This morning (You can sorta see a little tiny bit of bluish tinge at the ends)

 To this (Fried hair, after bleaching out the ends-- see the lovely shade of moss we managed to get?)

 To this: Red ends that you can actually see!

Also, my hair stylist is pretty great, so I'm thankful for her, too.

Trivial Thankfulness 2

Today I'm thankful for beef jerky. Mainly because I have a craving for some. The problem is I'm terribly picky about jerky and the kind you can buy at grocery stores is horrendous. I either need to find a dehydrator to make my own or have someone ship me some from Rutledge. You see, Rutledge (A tiny town near the tiny towns that my home address is at and my school was in) has a meat locker that makes the best/saltiest beef jerky ever known to man... but it's the real deal and it's mighty good.

I guess I'm actually thankful that the Rutledge Meat Locker exists?

Trivial Thankfulness 1

Because my facebook is exploding with thankful posts...

Once upon a time I tried to write thankful posts.... only I was too hard-core about it and thus it was too hard, and I dropped the ball after a mere 7 days. Seven is the number of completion, right?!

But I want to give it another go. This time, though, I want to write short blog posts-- which is impossible with serious topic matters. So I'm going to take the serious out of the thankful. In fact my goal is to take this most sentimental of traditions and use it to give shout-outs to things that are not sentimental, but I'm glad exist anyway.

Today I'm thankful for outtakes and blooper reels. I find a lot of things in this world amusing but few things are as patently hilarious as watching actors crack themselves up or randomly get hit in the nose, or deliver line after line of hilarious improv. Sometimes I wish movies were just made up of outtakes, but then the outtakes wouldn't be so funny.

Also, just fyi, I'm probably not going to post the thankful blogs (other than this one) onto fb, because they will be short and not worth blowing up everyone's fb feed. I'll continue to post the "real" blogs when I write them, I just thought this would be kinda fun.

So feel free to check in every day or so. 

Or not. 

...I'm also thankful that I'm not privy to everyone's innermost blog reading schedules. Can we say hecka boring information?!?

Yes, but we probably shouldn't.