Hurting

Yesterday's word was narwhal. Yep, that one was hard to just casually drop in... thus why that bacon video seemed to come from nowhere. Maybe a little suspicious, but you shouldn't be angry with me. And if you are, you should get unangry. Narwhals are not easy things to hide.

So... the thing that's important about today is my Pappy.

I've not been talking about it much on my blog... in part because if I don't mention it then it feels like somehow it's not happening. But his health isn't so great. In fact it's been pretty lousy.

He's been in and out of the hospital 2 or 3 times in the past month and he's been dealing with chronic and intense back pain.

And today he fell at home and now is back in the hospital. He's been dealing with compression fractures in his spine. Those are what Nathan had. I could tell it was the same sort of issue when I was home last week and saw him- and it just about ripped out my heart. They moved the same way. They sat the same way. They held their breath and attempted to control the pain through measured inhalations and exhalations exactly the same way.

I know too much.

I just know too much. I know too intimately how much he's hurting. I know how little doctors can really do about it, and I know how little the pain meds can touch it. (While they screw up every other system in your body.)

And that's part of the problem, because through all of this I'm dealing with Nathan stuff *and* Pappy stuff... and so it all hits extra close to home and I feel even more keenly my inability to do anything. And I'm dealing with what basically amounts to emotional flashbacks.

I hate the people I love being in pain. I'd much rather it be me.

Fun Fact: My grandmother is 78 years old and that is her natural hair color... just a hint of grey around her temples.