Pappy turns 80 pretty soon and I'm going home to see him/the family and I'm very excited.
But that's not why I write this post. I'm writing it because I'm sad and a little scared. Grandma's eyesight has gone downhill really badly. She basically can't see anymore, so Pappy's been taking care of her. But here recently he's not been doing very well either. He had heart surgery a few years ago. Which is scary/hard enough, but recently he's hurt his back and he keeps re-injuring it. And I'm scared every time I hear something new.... or something old that's flared up again. I'm all too aware that people you love can die... And that is really hard, still... I'm scared to death of mortality... and now I'm really afraid that something is going to happen to Pappy and I'm going to have to deal with it alone. This might be my number one fear at the moment. How am I supposed to deal with this heartbreaking thing without Nathan? Without someone. Someone to be there with me- to hold me and let me cry and tell me he loves me? Without someone to drive the 5 hours so I don't have to do it on my own.
OK, maybe I can do it on my own... but I don't want to... I really don't want to.
And how selfish does that sound?
but I loved that partnership... I loved taking care of someone and having them take care of me, and not having to keep score and make sure that everything is even at all times lest someone get the wrong idea.
and I'm still so afraid that I've had all that I will of it.
Just enough to know how wonderful it can be.
Just enough to miss it desperately.
Just a taste and nothing more.
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