In the absence

Kara and I were talking the other night about the preaching mentoring class and Nathan, and she said, "Nathan would have been supportive.... Shocked as hell, but supportive."

I laughed and I said, "Nathan wouldn't have believed us if we told him."

And she laughed, because it's totally true, and then she pointed out. "Well, Nathan would be going through it. I mean I think that's a foregone conclusion. Anyone who knew Nathan knows that he would have been going through it, it was just a matter of time."

And I agreed, because I did, in fact, know Nathan. And then one of us... I'm not sure if it was her or me mentioned that if Nathan were here, I probably wouldn't be doing the mentoring. And that's when Kara got a little verclemnt.

We've often talked how in marriage a spouse takes up the slack, wherever there is slack. That means that if one person is sorta a big ideas person and the other is kinda a details person, when they get in a relationship they will polarize. If one person is a little bit shy-er and one person is generally more gregarious then they will each tend to become more so. Both of those examples are things that happened with Nathan and I. But since his death (as I've mentioned over and over) I've changed, and Kara drew the analogy that it's actually rather similar to the marriage thing.. but that in the absence of Nathan I've taken up some of the slack that he left.

Not in that I've reverted to my "original" state, but that being married to him really did change me- That "becoming one in Christ" is more than a lovely metaphor-- and that a part of Nathan lives on in me... In some ways I'm now more Nathan than I am Renee. Nathan was the outgoing one... but I'm picking that up. Nathan was the confident one... but I'm learning. Nathan is the one who would have been in preaching mentoring. Nathan is the one who would make good friends with people just by being in class with them. Nathan is the one who gave a little bit of himself to everyone he knew. I didn't think I had much to say, I didn't talk to my classmates unless I already knew them- or they befriended me. I gave all that I was to my friends, but if you weren't "in" then I gave nothing of myself.

But now, as Kara said, I'm really living for more than just me. In the absence of Nathan a little bit of him has been overwritten on me. I've held on to some of the best of him.

I mentioned to her that is why I didn't change my name back to Miller. A few people asked me soon after he died, if I would change my name back. It was never even something I considered. Dunn is what my last name is, now. Nathan caused that fundamental of a change. My name should be different than what it was when I was born... It should be partly his. And that's the reason for the tattoo... because my last name may not always be Dunn, but now I will always have a symbol of the change that has been wrought in my life.

Kara wondered outloud if Nathan and I had just met if we would still even find each other as attractive.
I think she said something to the effect of, "I mean not that he loved that you were a mouse or anything, but he did like to be the one in the spotlight." I laughed and responded.

I'm not expecting that a new man in my life will be very much like Nathan. Especially not the Nathan that I first met and fell in love with. But honestly, I don't think even using the "updated" Nathan they will be much alike. Oh, there will be a few things. I think he'll encourage the best in me. I think he'll have some sort of artistic talent. I think he'll have a strong faith... but everything else? I don't really even know for sure what it is that this version of me needs, so I have no idea what he'll be like. Nathan came as a lovely surprise---all these things that I didn't even know I wanted until I had them... I expect another guy will be much the same. I'm certainly not looking for another Nathan... I'd never find him.

One note that I think is obvious, but I need to say- this is all with the understanding that if Nathan were still alive we would still be very much in love. I wouldn't be this different and we would have been evolving together and we would be looking forward to our 5th anniversary in July with all the excitement that we looked forward to our 1st anniversary. The only scenario in which I would be thinking and saying things like this, is the scenario I find myself in.

You know, it still surprises me sometimes. How did something this dramatic happen to me? It's not the type of thing that happens to the country girl from the middle of nowhere.

Except apparently, it is.