Wedding Tears

I think I bragged too much about how I didn't cry at weddings when Bill and Lissa got married... got my comeuppance today.

Today I went to a wedding (the one I made the cookies for.) This was the wedding of an old college friend, and to be fair it was a lot different than Bill and Melissa's

For one, I didn't have anything to do- I was just a guest.... who brought 186 cookies.

Also,there were a lot of people there who I hadn't seen, or seen only once, since Nathan's diagnosis and/or death. And they looked at me like people used to look at me-- before they got used to (again) me being me and not the girl whose husband died. I hate that look. I know they can't help it, but I *hate* that look.

For another thing a lot of them were people that Nathan knew pretty well, but I didn't really know them-- Just enough to recognize each other, but not enough to have a real conversation.

And last, nearly everyone was in a couple- and mostly couples that got together around the same time that Nathan and I did.

So it was kinda the perfect storm to remind me of both how alone I feel and how much I miss Nathan.

It was a gorgeous wedding. They had a whole bunch of battery powered candles in glass bulbs hung from the ceiling on wires. It looked absolutely enchanting. If I can figure out a way to steal this idea for my someday-wedding, I will.

And the couple wrote their own vows... but not in the way you see in movies (where they just talk) but in that they came up with nine promises to each other, which was really nice...

And that's when I cried, because Jake went first, and one of his promises was "If you get sick I promise to love and take care of you." And the tears started flowing.... but it was manageable.... normal wedding-three tears, type thing.

But then Chrissy went and said virtually the same thing about Jake getting sick and taking care of him, and while I wasn't audible I was definitely making an ugly-faced cry, trying to get myself under control.

There was a lot wrapped up in those tears. They were grief tears and lonesome tears and pain tears, and honestly some self-pity tears in there, too.

The only way I got under control was to promise myself I could go fall to pieces in my car afterwards...

Of course,  by the time the wedding was over and I actually could have fallen apart I didn't need to.

But gosh- I just wanted someone there for me- Someone who would understand how hard it was for me to hear those words and whose hand I could squeeze super tight for a second. Whose shoulder I could lean on... or who would kiss my temple just to say he understood.

Sometimes I don't understand why I don't have a bevy of men falling at my feet, trying to convince me to choose them... and other times I wonder if there is anyone else out there who is right for me...

I really hope there is...

...I have so much left to give.