Birthday Surprise

So, Tuesday is the day of my birth, when I turn the ripe old age of 27. It doesn't sound that old when I say it out loud, or look that old when I write it down, but I've been feeling very old lately. I think that is something dealing with cancer does to you, unfortunately... I sometimes wonder if my eyes have changed or if all that "you can see the life she has lived" stuff you read in books is just poetic license for extra wrinkles. It feels like they have changed... but as I've mentioned before I am a romantic. (Romantic is kinda like emo, I think, but not quite the same.)

I digress.

Anyway, tonight (Sunday night) I had plans to go to the Carter's house for supper and the Goeke's were going to come, too. And honestly, I wasn't all that jazzed about it. I haven't been feeling exactly thrilled about my birthday this year. -Sidenote: This is not normal at all for me. I love my birthday. I am inordinately proud that I was born on 8-3-83 (as if I had any actual say in that!)- I love coming up with a fun idea of something to do, hanging out with friends, and using the whole "it's my birthday" power... (Hey, there are some boys out there who would never have known that "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" is actually kinda funny, if not for me! ...Sorry, guys.) Basically I just love feeling like there is something special about the day. But this year has been different... I couldn't come up with a plan, I couldn't figure out how to make the day special, and I couldn't muster up any will to care. In fact several times I said that I would rather it just be a day--that we go out to eat but just treat it like a normal day. So Katie IM's me and asks if I want to come over on Sunday to have dinner with them and Kara and Josh to celebrate my birthday and I'm like, "... uh... I guess so." And then the poor girl had to listen/read as I explained how I just wasn't into my birthday. I couldn't figure it out.

Then last night as I was driving home with Nathan I realized what it really was- I've always viewed birthdays as a chance to celebrate the past year of your life. I mean, yes there is the whole "pinch to grow an inch" but in my mind it's mainly a celebration of how much you have grown over the past year. A "look at how big you've gotten!" kind of mentality, and this year is not one that I will ever look back on fondly. It was just a little while after my birthday last year that Nathan first started experiencing the joint pain (aka the first symptoms of the leukemia). No wonder my birthday was not a time I wanted to celebrate... it's like the one time of year I introspect at all, and there has been a whole lot of pain and fear in my last year. The entire time I've been telling Nathan, "next year at this time...." and "in a year from now...." and talking about how we've just put our life "on pause" for a year.... And here we stand on the threshold of that year and while I'm incredibly grateful that it has only been a year of our lives that has been taken I couldn't help but think about being a year older and the "only" thing I have managed to accomplish in a list full of hopes for the coming year is just simply hanging in there. I know that is a big deal, and not at all an "only," but when your life has been paused and everyone around you has a life going at normal speed it doesn't really feel like it. My last birthday I fully expected that by this year I would have (or be expecting) a baby and own a home (or be close to it.) It all just made me sad and bummed out. (You know, like you are probably feeling right now, reading my flipping depressing post!)

But that's not where the story ends, because my husband, while supportive, was not going to let me back out of my birthday dinner, and I really didn't want to hurt Katie's feelings (I know, I'm such a martyr!), and Kara assured me that I would not have to wear one of those horrible cone party hats. So I had myself a little birthday pity party last night and pouted about the apartment for a while. This morning I felt better about it, and by the time we went over to Katie and Jonny's I was feeling, if not thrilled, at least generally happy. And then we walked in the door and about 20 people yelled "Surprise!" and walked out of the hallway singing "Happy Birthday" with big grins on their faces and twinkling eyes (ok I know it's cliche, but I totally saw twinkles!) And while I'm not really one to get emotional in the midst of the moment I can tell you that I'm remembering it now with tears coming to my eyes. Cause while this year has been (let's face it) one of the absolute suckiest on record for me, I have some truly wonderful people in my life, who have done all they could/knew how to make it clear that they love and support me and to let me know that I am not alone. They also reminded me of something I'd forgotten. This year I've learned how to rely on a strength that is not my own and to trust in God's plans when my own come crumbling down around me, and I think that's pretty huge.

I had a wonderful time at my party and I think everyone who came did, too. I laughed so much and talked so loudly that I'm probably gonna be hoarse in the morning. But, ya know what? From the moment that everyone started flooding out of the hallway it came back. I'm excited for my birthday on Tuesday. That (expletive) disease isn't gonna keep me down. For those of you that came, those of you that couldn't, but sent wishes through Kara, those of you who are reading my blog because you care about me and those of you who are just reading my blog because you are mildly interested in me, *thank you.* You have no idea how special you have made me feel.... a life on pause has given my relationships time to marinate- to grow stronger and develop new richness and complexity, in a really incredible way... even the ones I haven't been able to spend any time on.



So.... what do you think? Romantic different than emo, or pretty much the same thing?