Crazy-go-nuts

Today was insane for me.

First off I didn't get to sleep until 5:30 AM because of how much stuff I had to do to get ready for today.

Then I woke up later than intended so I threw clothes on and rushed downstairs and basically out the door with Dawn and Mom. We went to the mall where we found everything on Mom's "big city" shopping list including dark brown slacks for Dad, a new comforter set for them, and over 50 dollars worth of stuff at Old Navy so that she could get 10 dollars free, because Old Navy gives the gift of consumerism for a person's birthday.

I also got a new fragrance oil at Bath and Body Works for $3 and paid $1.25 for a cute little basket to hold all my fragrance oils in. So we were there until 12:30 or so and then we left the mall so I could come home and get ready for my GA interview.

I put on a skirt, heels, and jewelry, and then read up on basic interview questions, because we all know me and my first impressions... (though I do think I'm getting a lot better!)

Then I drove to campus and had the interview. I think it went really well. There weren't any red flags that I know of and I think the woman who would be my supervisor and I would get along pretty great. It's not surprising as she gets along with a lot of people who I know and vice versa, but you can never be certain until you actually meet! ... I should hear by next week. I'm hopeful but trying not to count them chickens afore their hatched.

Oh and while I was in the interview Ryan texted me to let me know that he had a big chunk of work for me tonight if I was available (video game work pours- if it rains). I told him after 10 PM I'd be available.

After the interview, I took an hour to clean up my speech for tonight... and while I made it coherent, I didn't get a chance to run through it, and I wasn't super happy with the flow. But I had to get going.

So then I came back home to change and get Mom and Dawn and then we went to Bass Pro because I've finally convinced my mom of the glory of Crocs. (It was the "comfortable for a lot of walking, but won't stay wet forever after going on a water ride in an amusement park" sell... what can I say, my family really likes amusement parks!)

We got her some Crocs (btw Bass Pro has a homemade ice cream maker that is either crank *or* electric and makes 6 pints. It was huge... and awesome.) Then we went to Cracker Barrel and ate and got my grandma some cds she mentioned wanting.

Everyone at Cracker Barrel was looking at me funny, though. I don't know why. I had changed back into shorts by then, so it's not like I was exceptionally dressy or anything, but they kept staring at me... I started to wonder if I looked like someone who worked there.... or a celebrity. I think I'd rather look like a celebrity than a Cracker Barrel employee.

After CB we hit The Cup, because I've indoctrinated my family members.

And then it was straight to Jonny and Katie's where I dropped Dawn and Mom off and picked up Johnny.

We went to the church slightly early and I ran through my speech.

I finished exactly at 7, ran downstairs, listened to another presentation and then gave mine. (I will likely blog about this a little more in depth tomorrow... tonight is just for being overwhelmed with the amount of things I've done today.

So, Critiques/feedback and a short class, then back to K&J's and back home.

Then I ate the cupcake from the Cup, planned tomorrow's leaving schedule, and got to work for Ryan. Worked on video game stuff until 2:15, wrote a blog and soon I'll sleep.

Oh and between the Cup and the speech, one of my writing group buddies texted and wanted to know if I could switch weeks and go this week.... like send out my stuff tomorrow-ish. Holy Crap, no I can't! I have the base word count, but no time for editing or revisions or even a cursory glance!

You know it's bad when a day spent at an amusement park sounds relaxing...

Today's story

I'm super proud of myself.

I saw this guy working in the electronics department of Target, and I recognized him.... but in that distant way that tells you that while you've never had an actual interaction, you've seen him a lot... somewhere.

So I saw him, and I recognized him, but I couldn't place him.... and I thought about just straight out asking him where I knew him from, but I wasn't talking to him, I was just looking at headphones and trying to figure out what I actually needed from electronics, because I didn't write it down. But he smiled at me and I smiled back and I kept thinking. "Why is he so familiar?" And I never did remember what I needed in electronics, possibly because I was so distracted trying to place him in the vortex of my cerebellum.

I thought maybe he was a Soar Leader when I was a freshman, or maybe he was in Beartones or maybe he was in theatre... Some type of person in charge or performer where I had spent some time watching him, but he'd have no way of knowing who I was, so there was no way he was just going to tell me where I recognized him from.

It drove me absolutely nuts, but I'm shy... so I didn't say anything to him, because - I mean he's working, for heaven's sake! He doesn't need me to interrupt, to ask him random questions about 10 years ago.

Then I came home and remembered- Ink cartridges! My printer is nigh-on out of ink, and I need replacements- and the cartridges at Target are a good 1.50 cheaper than Wal-mart.

So I treked back to Target today, and grabbed the cartridges and the guy was working again... and I didn't say anything to him.

I know! I'm ridiculous.

But then I went and found some art that was on clearance that I wanted to buy... and then I remembered I needed to buy a floor length mirror... only I didn't have a cart cause I was just thinking I'd grab the ink, and my empty Starbucks cup made it impossible for me to carry everything...

But I could throw away an empty Starbucks cup-- and you know where stores have trashcans? Behind the counter in electronics. Yes! A kickstarter for me to talk to this guy and finally set my mind at peace.

*And* I did it! He was a theatre-performance kid (He was actually in a ton of shows- thus why I recognized him.) He didn't recognize me but he shouldn't have, as I'm not sure that we'd ever actually spoken before... though he did remember that I was in there yesterday, which made me feel kinda silly. (I explained my ink forgetful-ness.) Anyway he was super nice and we chatted for a several minutes and it wasn't weird or awkward or anything and I'm still all in one piece, even after initiating a conversation.

One point in the "overcoming shyness" category for me! I'm counting this as a successful "adventure."

You're super proud of me, too, aren't you?!

*nods*

Thought so.

Eventful day

Viva La Revolución!

I am Renée, master of my own destiny! My nails can be whatever they darn well want to be and I don't need no stinking gel polish to tell me how to live my life!

Paula suggested that I just paint over the gel polish and I looked it up and apparently it might make this manicure last for longer than normal, too. So I went a little crazy,  and in celebration I put the whole galaxy on my nails.

Yeah, they look pretty sweet, don't they? Pinterest gave me the idea. And it's even better in person because they are so darn sparkly.

Oh, sparkles, I missed you!

Boy, it was a super eventful day- I have so much to say-- I may split this into two blogs and just talk about the mac and cheese tomorrow... so if you've read this far and haven't read anything about mac and cheese... well then you have something to look forward to tomorrow, don't cha??

Today I got on facebook and someone said they had extra tickets to Tent Theatre. Now this may come as a shock to you, but I'd never gone to Tent Theatre in all my years in Springfield. Nathan and I kept meaning to, but they sell out quickly and you just never know when the weather isn't going to be miserable. So I said I wanted to go and so I did. The weather was amazing for it, btw. (We saw 9 to 5 and it was good. I don't think I really cared for the *show* that much, but I really liked most of the actors' performances. Which probably sounds confusing to you but makes perfect sense to me.)

So in preparation for Tent Theatre, I just stayed at Starbucks all afternoon.... like from 2:30 to 7:45....ok that wasn't very eventful, I admit it. But at 7:30 it got really exciting.

Let's just say I learned a fun fact today: Electricity can run through wire that is ON FIRE.  Electricity = amazing.

What you don't want to leave it at that?? *sigh* Fine.

There was a fire across Glenstone, and there is suspicion that this caused some circuits/transformers to get overloaded. All I know is that at 7:30, the lights in Starbucks went off and everything shutting down at once sounded really cool. Then the lights came back up about 30 seconds later and then went down again about a minute later. Then came back up at half power with creepily flickering lights. Then someone said the "telephone pole" (Pretty sure it was an electric pole, not a telephone pole) outside was on fire.... I went outside, and sure enough it looked like a sparkler up there.... What was burning I have no idea, because pretty sure wire and metal aren't flammable and why do they have flammable things around electric currents anyway?

So the Starbucks people had to close the store down and go home, cause they kinda need electricity to do... well... everything. I'm concerned for their milk/cream supply tomorrow. I liked how the guy who is in the National Guard was all "We need to start shutting the store down now or else we are gonna lose the light." Yep, that dude's been trained in practicalities. Meanwhile one girl was texting her mom and her mother asked if her car was near the pole and she was like, "Oh yeah, guys, we should move our cars!"

Pretty sure she isn't in the military.

This was apparently a motherly concern because my mom was also concerned about the status of my car when I posted about this on facebook. I gave her a hard time about not understanding that just because a hybrid has an electric engine doesn't mean it breaks anytime it's near something else electric that breaks, but I'm pretty sure she was actually concerned about the pole falling on my car or something.

But don't worry, Mom. It was just the top of pole that was burning... you know, the metal part.

Hey, maybe someone put some napalm on the electric pole! That would explain a lot.

and also raise a lot of questions...

For instance: ""Blimey! 'Ow did you even get it up there? There's no' even a road there!" (My British GPS gets confused by elevations.)

Stiff Upper Lip

Today I was driving to Celito Lindo to have lunch with Kara. And out of nowhere I almost started to cry.

I may have mentioned before that I'm not exactly thrilled that Kara is moving halfway across the country?

In case I didn't, I'm not exactly thrilled.

Yes, they did move the timeline up a month earlier than I was expecting... but I knew this was coming. How does one form a stiffer upper lip?

(By the way, a "stiff upper lip" is called such because at some point it was determined that it's your upper lip that trembles when you are upset?  Does your upper lip tremble? It's my lower lip that trembles. Crazy Brits.)

But here's the thing I was thinking about today as I held back the tears: As sucky as it is for me.... it's worse for Josh and Kara.

Ok, yes, it is technically their decision, but they really and truly believe that it's what God wants them to do. And believing that, it's what they have to do.

And they are making a lot of sacrifices to do what they think God wants.

They aren't just leaving Kara's best friend.

(Though that's a big deal, to be perfectly clear.)

They are also leaving all of their other friends.

They are leaving people they've known for more than 10 years.

They are leaving people that they trust to take care of their child.

They are leaving all their favorite restaurants, and stores, and shortcuts and neighborhoods and general familiarity with the city.

Not only that but they are leaving their parents.

"Mom and Dad" aren't going to just be a 4 hour car trip away anymore.

Kara's sister just moved closer to her and now Kara's about to move to Philadelphia.

That's a lot. That's a whole lot to give up to uncertainty and prayer.

As hard as this is on me, it's got nothing on how hard it must be on them.

So I'm going to try and do everything I can to help... perhaps I should have started by not listing off all the things they are going to miss, but I think it needs to stay, because I need to remember that I'm losing three very important people from my "everyday" but they are losing almost every important person.

So I'm going to be around when they need help with packing. And I'm going to be moral support. And I'm going to love them as much as I can while they are here, and I kinda think you should, too if you know them.

I won't stop being awesome so that it's easier to leave me.

After all, I still want to feature prominently in Kara's sermons!

 But short of changing my personality, I want to be there for them as much as I can, because though it effects me tremendously, it's just not about me.

It's their adventure and I want to be the best support I can be.

The importance of peppermints

Whoa, hey! I hit 40,000 views 900 views ago. Awesome! I don't even know when that happened.

So... I'm taking the GRE tomorrow.

I went out and played board games tonight with friends.  :) Whoops.

Or maybe not whoops... they say you should try and be relaxed the night before...

Oh, I took a secret road trip to KC yesterday to go to a friend from HS's surprise 30th b-day party. I didn't tell you, internet, because you can't keep your durn mouth closed and you like to tell all my secrets to everyone, including the person who it is a secret from.

Pretty sure I last saw him at my sister's graduation... or maybe my cousins-- it had definitely been 9 or 10 years... It's so strange to meet people who you have this really strong past-connection with.. completely surreal how you just naturally fall into patterns that you used to have... and Kara was with me (because who wants to drive by yourself to a party where you only know the guest of honor?) So that was doubly weird, because it was like she was transported back in time with me from before she knew me... So I didn't know who I was or if I was comin' or goin'. All I can say is that the entire town of St. Joseph now feels like an alternate dimension to me.

I did manage to get some pretty great shots of Bolt, while we were out and about. Kara's in-laws live about an hour from St. Jo, and let us stay with them last night (we bribed them with Bolt-time, and they were super glad to have us... ok I'm sure they would have been happy to have us anyway, but seriously when you come bearing a grandbaby you can do very little wrong. :) Thus we didn't have to make the whole trip in a day.

Cuuute

Cuuuter

the Pièce de résistance

That kid is so dang cute. Plus we have officially reached the stage where he will giggle at me, just because I'm me, and I find that absolutely delightful.... Yep, I love that a baby thinks I look funny. I'm just weird like that.

Oh right... the GRE.

Yeah it's tomorrow at 1:30... so prayer would definitely be appreciated. I'm nervous, but not too stressed about it, because of what the graduate adviser said when I met with him... I just want to do well. I've always been pretty good at tests... so I'm hoping that remains the case... but... it's a bit nerve-wracking... So I'm going to go to bed and read for a while and then get to sleep so I'm well rested.

Maybe I'll find some peppermints before I go in tomorrow. Do they let you have peppermints? They should.  They stimulate brain activity and reduce fatigue. I remember that from my high school ACT days.

Peppermints are very important

...to life. and sundry other things I'm sure.

Mildly overwhelmed, but overwhelmingly positive!

The meeting yesterday went really well, I think. The advisor said I wasn't too late to be applying at all. (Though I do need to get the ball rolling.) He said I had a "glowing" GPA.  And then I'm pretty sure he guesstimated my age to be somewhere between 23 and 25, which is just fine by me. He also said that while I need to take the GRE, I don't need to worry overly much about my scores, because it's just part of what they look at and with a great GPA, references, writing sample, and personal statement, a non-impressive GRE score will be overlooked. That's good to hear, though I still plan on studying a bit... just because I can get a not-great score doesn't mean I want to get a not-great score... I've got some pride.... or is that work ethic. Basically, I'd still like to do my best, even if  it doesn't matter.

It is too late to get a GA-ship for the fall in the English dept. But that said, I went to an end-of-small-group barbecue last night and three different people told me about GA-ships that other departments had that I could possibly get. Which makes me pretty hopeful about my prospects... and one of them might even pay better than an English GA-ship.

I also have a friend who thinks I just need to start writing e-books and selling them.... but I think I need some time to get my book written... and I'd like to at least try the more traditional publishing route first.

My life is a complete whirlwind right now- I'm still not unpacked, I have to register for, prep for, and take the GRE. I have to get reference letters, and write a personal statement. I have to choose writing samples I want to turn in. I'm still working at the church, I'm writing my book and going to writer's group, They need me to be working on the video game, blogging, trying to make time for friends and the bajillion showers that are happening, not to mention that there is no art up in my entire apartment and it's bugging the dickens out of me. I needed to go home last weekend, but it sure did mess up my groove. I really need to stay in and just slam things out, but this weekend is already filling up with lots and lots of activities... all of which I really want to do, but land a goshen!

It's so nice to have internet again, though that it kinda makes it all ok.

So I'm only mildly overwhelmed, but overwhelmingly positive!

Movin!

I'm excited. I got a call today, that I'm approved for a townhouse. I will be moving from mid-late March.

Here are some pictures of what my townhouse will look like:

Yes! I will have a garage! I've never had a garage that I can park my car in before! In my whole life!

Honestly, the first time I wrote the sentence I wrote, "I will have a guitar!" 

I won't have a guitar... I can't play the guitar. I think a garage is more exciting.

There you see the door through which I will enter from the garage.... and the door that everyone else will enter through... oh and also a gas fireplace. oooooh

I'm excited about a garage because it can hold my car... and also if I get super ambitious and decide to build/stain/paint anything I will have a space to do it in.

Here is a view from by the stairs...

Here is a closer view of the kitchen... gotta get me some bar stools.

And the actual kitchen, itself. While I'm not overly enthusiastic about the stain of wood, I am excited that you can *see* the wood. I heart wood grain.

There aren't any pictures of upstairs for me to show you... but there is a ridiculous 2 and 1/2 bathrooms... (quite the upgrade from my current one) lots more storage than I currently have, and in a better part of town... all for not *that* much more than I was paying before.

I'm really excited about stairs. I may take that back in a few months... or when I move in... but I feel like it's a good way to be more active, and I don't have to carry groceries up steps... I do have to tote laundry up and down, but I did it growing up, so hopefully it comes back to me... else my kitchen might become my closet, too.

Also I bought new nail polish today. Check it, yo!

Both the brown and the glitter are new... please forgive my sloppy cuticles, this was before I cleaned them up.

And I've decided that Seche Vite is the most amazing top coat in the world... not that you care. :)

In other news I really want to watch a chick flick.... but a really good chick flick.... like a Pretty Woman level-of-epic chick flick... but one that I've not seen before... I don't know that this is possible.

The Girl of the Museumlost

You know what's hard? Editing myself. I'd never make it on Project Runway. I can't seem to stop myself. What's that? I have lots of nail polish? I should wear it all at once!

What's that? I need to choose wedding colors? I choose them all!

What's that? I need to write down my thoughts? I'll write down them all!

I just don't want to choose one thing. It's exceedingly dull... Until I spot someone else doing it and think, "Oh, isn't that elegant! So simple, so refined. So straight forward."

But then I go to paint my nails again and the glitter... or the design... or the scrapbooking scissors call my name and I'm off to the races. I need to find someone to help me focus my energy and tell me when to stop.

Back home from the 6 Flags adventure. The girls and I had a lovely time, only used a tank of gas and a gallon, and Wore. Ourselves. Out. City Museum= best workout ever... even if my knees are bruised from crawling around on the floor and my leg is bruised from an uncooperative rope swing. It was so much fun... I only wish I had more time/ more energy to do everything... and that I'd worn pants... and that I wasn't afraid of heights. Cause if I wasn't I could have been one of those people crawling through the mesh tunnel in the sky, off that airplane wing....

The City Museum, aka adult playground is 12 dollars. The terror is free.

I didn't get to do half of the things I wanted to do, but I was so exhausted when we left that I'm not sure I could have done much more.

Then it was 6 Flags today. The weather was rainy this morning but after I informed everyone that the plan was for the rain to scare away the park go-ers and then to get really nice so that we could enjoy the park, those storm clouds shaped right up and skedaddled.

I love amusement parks... I looooooove amusement parks. They juice me up... I'm not an extrovert, I'm a parktovert. I didn't know this, but it isn't true of everyone. I've gone to amusement parks with my family who are like me and with friends who didn't actually like amusement parks, so I just assumed that their waning spirits were due to the park not being their thing... but it's not true. Today I was with girls who like roller coasters and amusement parks and I still outlasted them... and drove home while they slept it off.

Interestingly enough- heights on amusement park rides don't give me a second thought. It's something about the control... If I have control of the climbing and the moving over the heights, I can't do it... if I don't have control, then I'm totally fine. Someone needs to psychoanalyze me, I think.

At the City Museum there was this adorable little girl that I watched for about 5 minutes. I'm going to place her at approximately age 6. She wandered in from outside and was wearing a sparkly pink dress. She was precious. She came in and started looking around. She walked to one doorway and then back  to close to where we were and then stood and turned in a circle for a few minutes, looking more and more confused.... and then she went to the fountain that we were sitting near and put her head on her hands and stared at the fountain. Just as I was about to get up and go ask her if she was lost, her dad came down the stairs looking for her. He saw her and called her name and gestured for her to come while asking her (teasingly) what happened... and she looked up at him with a huge grin.... and then the poor thing started crying and her dad came all the way down the stairs and sat down next to her and hugged her and asked her again what had happened to her in a much softer tone. It was super sweet... and I thought to myself how brave she'd looked when she was lost. What a tough face she'd put on, when I know she just wanted to cry when she realized she didn't know where her family was... and I thought to myself that that sparkly-pink-dressed-little-girl is my kindred spirit, because she was doing exactly what I would have done in the same situation...  Everything from the obviously lost-ness, to the pretending like I'm not lost because I don't want someone to come up and talk to me, to the tears when I'm finally found. And you know what? As the casual observer I think she did exactly the right thing. She confirmed that she was lost and then found a central spot to sit down and wait for someone to find her.... and then I think I should follow that little girl's lead.... If you just sit down in one place and wait, eventually the people who are looking for you will find you....... And then you can cry.

...in St Louie, Louie

Well, important note: When planning a trip to 6 Flags- make sure it's open on the day you want to go. See,  we planned too well to avoid the crowds which resulted in going on a day that the park wasn't actually open. However, we decided we will just go back tomorrow and today we went to the Zoo and to the City Museum. Both were very fun.

Riding the Ferris Wheel on top of the City Museum was my highlight, I think. It was gorgeous. I'm afraid that I'm gonna be super sore for tomorrow though... there are lots of stairs to get up to the 10 story slide... as well as all the other stairs and climbing and walking. :) I may just have to suck it up, tomorrow.

Super tired, though... Up very early for me after a night of little sleep... and then running around all day long and a crazy workout at the City Museum (my new favorite exercise program-- you are having so much fun you don't even notice how many muscles you are working. They should sell City Museum gym memberships.)

Mkay, Going to bed. Not a long or deep blog post tonight... you only get those like once a month... if you're lucky.

Thoughts of the future...

So I went to my bed thinking that I would blog... but I couldn't do it... No inspiration. So instead I find myself back at the couch, watching Dawson's Creek.

By the way if I'm horrendously sick tomorrow I blame it on the sweetened condensed milk currently sugaring up my coffee... You know the one that was in my cabinet with the "best used by" date of April 2010. Oh yeah, I'm a rebel. It says "best."

Fun fact about sweetened condensed milk in coffee. It floats. Like the squiggles.  Like chocolate syrup in milk. Like snow candy.

So much in life can be related to the Little House books. The scene where Manzo gets the sheep upstairs in the barn so he can win the bet with the shearers. The scene where the Wilder Children eat all the sugar when their parents leave. How Laura hates that Mary gets to wear blue because she is blonde and blue eyed and Laura has to wear red because she is brunette and brown eyed. Ginger water and straw logs twisted for the long winter and how big of a deal it was for Laura to "cut a fringe" (even though she's sportin' one in the above picture.)

I'd say I was born in the wrong time period, except for how much I love the internet... and indoor plumbing.

Here is a thought to ponder. Interior design or creative writing? I've been leaning towards creative writing... and I just went and looked at the MO State course schedule and the only class I could find that I have the necessary pre-reqs for and that also has seats open is "Writing for Children and Young Adults." Which actually sounds like a really fun class and thus far it only has 12 students in it, so it would be good for getting more focused instruction. It also happens to be right in the middle of my work week and one of the 1:15 ones.  On the other side there is a fundamentals of interior design class that starts at 8:00AM, has a class size of 50 (5 seats left), and would mean that I couldn't get to work until 10 two days of the week. But darn it if I'm not far and away more interested in the writing for children and young adults class now.

Maybe I should defer this idea rather than suddenly focusing on it the week before classes start? Wish more classes started at 3:30...

Is it still swearing if it's not a curse in your country?

Flip.

I have a friend whose girlfriend is from Northern Ireland. I know, that's cool, right? She is in the States for a bit and I went to a party she was at yesterday and at some point the conversation went to all the differences in slang between the States/Northern Ireland/the rest of Ireland.

And "flip" is a curse word across the sea. I didn't know that, but I already use it as such relatively often, and honestly it just makes it more fun to me... Apparently I have a dirty mouth across the pond...  Maybe this is why my British GPS disapproves of me, though I've noticed he seems to throw around the British curse words pretty willy nilly. I guess he thinks it's not ok for a lady. Yeah, I think he's rather stuffy, too.

So I've noticed that without fail I want to spell definitely with an "a"- Aka- definately. I want definitely to be related to defiantly, I think. Seems like they probably are... Like "definitely" and "defiantly" have the same great-great-great grandparents or something. You know, etymologically speaking.

Hells to the yeah, I did just have a reason to use the phrase "etymologically speaking."

Today I was at a cookout and it was muggy and hot and then I started to feel a few drops of rain... and I wondered if we would all run away to our respective burrows... (don't get me started on how I wish that we all really did live in something akin to a rabbit warren where all our houses were connected by underground passageways) and then I thought, "Wait... why not let it rain on me? It's crazy hot, and this will cool me off." I wish the sky had really opened up and let the rain rain rain come down down down... but it didn't. It was a brief respite that never really turned into anything.

I'm a little sad. I think I would have liked a deluge- at least I would have then. Seems like there might be something really freeing in letting oneself get caught in a rainstorm.

Perhaps that is an adventure to go on the list. Go out in a rainstorm.

A Piece of My Heart

One thing that I like about Glee is that every once in a while they introduce me to a song/artist I've never heard of... For example "Candles" by Hey Monday. I love that song, now. And most recently, "Turning Tables." I'd heard Adele before and I generally like her, but I'd never heard "Turning Tables" before. And I love it.

I don't really feel that great tonight... I'm hoping it's just a weird feeling, not an actual sickness... I don't want to be sick. I don't ever want to be sick again.

I really enjoy people.. I know you may have picked that up, from reading this blog, but it's true... I especially enjoy people who I enjoy. (I know, right!?) I'd be perfectly content to constantly be in the presence of those of this world who have made a special way into my heart. I'd like to take care of them. There is so much of my heart that's wrapped up in caretaking, still. I can't do it for the world, but I enjoy thinking of things that will help. I like helping. I think it's the flip side of the "I worry too much what people think." I also worry about people and what they are thinking... and honestly, I like *knowing* people. I like knowing how to help and I like making things a little bit better. I just wish I could do it all the time and with everyone.

This... it just feels right... like I'm finding a little bit of myself again. Like I can be of use, instead of just taking from people.

How does a person manage to find a part of themselves by trying to help others? I'm not sure, but it seems to happen all the time. The folks on Extreme Home Makeover must be the most self-discovered people on the planet.

Adventures of Hope

Adventure #1: New car- check!

Adventure #2: Writing a guest blog- check!

Adventure #3: Doing creative writing and getting paid for it- check!

Adventure #4: Being on the jumbotron. (Kara says that this is an adventure, albeit not for a very happy reason.) - check!

Adventure #5: Road trip- being planned

Adventure #6: Hiking excursion- being planned

Adventure #7: Bringing back the wink... I know I'm an abysmal failure at that, but I'm not gonna give up!

Adventure#8: Class Reunion? Wednesday will be the 10 year mark! Though I've not actually heard anything about it, so we will see, I suppose.

Adventure #9: Get outside and play. - Someone with a house needs to buy a trampoline... thems be all kinds of fun and exercise at the same time!

Adventure# 10: I need your help! I know that I've tried this before, but I'm going to try again. I need adventures to embark on. They can be silly, they can be challenging, they can be outside of my comfort zone, but I need ideas. I'd like this to be a summer that pulls me forward. A summer that makes me smile when I remember it. A summer full of hope.

Today in church our preacher spoke about hope... about hope not as just a wish, but as something more possible than a wish... closer to one's heart and more real-
Here are some definitions of hope: (from dictionary.com)
n. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
v. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence: to believe, desire, or trust
v. Archaic- to place trust; rely

That's what I want for this summer: to hope. It's a very powerful word for me. It's a very powerful emotion for us all.

Hello, Horizons, Wanna Expand?

The problem with curly hair is that it requires you to shower in the morning, rather than at night. The problem with showering in the morning is it requires you to get up earlier than you otherwise would. The problem with getting up earlier is it requires you to stop hitting the snooze button. The problem with no longer hitting the snooze button is that you aren't getting any extra 5 minutes. The problem with no extra 5 minutes is that you went to bed at 4 in the morning and every 5 minutes is a vital 5 minutes. So me not getting enough sleep? Basically it's my curly hair's fault.

On a note related to my blog from yesterday, Kara thinks I need to take adventure suggestions from you, dear readers. When I say "adventure suggestions" I mean....well,  pretty much anything... Kara mentioned going back to school for interior design, which I'm strongly considering, and she also mentioned taking up hiking... which I am open to, but slightly hesitant about- I've never been super outdoorsy... and hiking seems heavy. No literally, the backpacks seem heavy. But there are many other risks in this world, and adventures to be had, and mayhaps you can think of a few that you think I should embark on. So go ahead. Tell me what you think I should do. The worst that can happen is I'll say, "No way, hombre." But who knows? Maybe I'll say, "Hello, horizons, wanna expand?"

Tonight I determined that if I ever get a tattoo-- and most likely I never will- but if I do, it will be of a swallow. Black ink, simple silhouette, classic/ pretty, somewhere on my right shoulder blade.

They are classic tattoos, which I like- Giving a nod to the history of the tattoo. They are graceful (which I'm totally not- though I so wish I was!) They represent a safe return home, a hardship survived, loyalty, love  and freedom, depending on who you ask, and those are all ideas that I very much support. :) They can also represent nautical miles logged, but I'll just ignore that one. Plus it just feels right... I've never known what I would get as a tattoo before and then Katie said "bird," and I there it was, in my head, as though it'd just been waiting for me to discover the idea. I think I might be turning into more of an intuitive... Ya think that's possible?

Ok, an hour just went past as I sat here typing and I had no idea.... I should probably go to bed.. I mean, that is, if my hair will let me get any sleep.

So carefully, carefully, with the plates.

Thank you for all your comments, both on Facebook and on my blog post from yesterday. It helps to know how many people are on my side... Sometimes I forget that the world I am so afraid of judging me also contains an awful lot of people who love me.

I went to a new restaurant in town today called the "Aviary Cafe and Creperie." It's downtown and it was *really* good. Really good. I recommend. And so does my friend Katie, who wrote a blog about it.

I want an adventure... but unfortunately my sense of responsibility precludes much adventuring.

Did you know that one time in college, Nathan and I and two other friends were sitting around talking about how we all just wanted to *do* something... and then somebody started talking about going to Santa Fe... and then we all up and decided to go. Only I backed out at the last minute cause I was directing a show and had practice the next day, among other responsibilities... I don't think they actually went all the way to Santa Fe... I think they stopped at Albuquerque... where the University of New Mexico is.

It was really hard, saying that I wasn't going to go... and then it was really lonely because all the people I was hanging out with had gone off on a grand adventure and I stayed put. I don't know why I didn't go... I like spontaneous... but I felt like I had things I couldn't flake out on... and I don't like it when people don't do what they say...

I wish I'd done that crazy thing.. I mean I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually that much fun once you got past the up-and-go endorphins... but... I dunno, tonight at least I wish I'd gone. If I had I could have seen Albuquerque with Nathan.

Nathan loved what the University of New Mexico looked like... so much so that he used to talk about taking me there someday, so I could experience it, too... that and the Santa Monica Pier.....

He went to Santa Monica on a mission trip to LA once... The one where Kara won on The Price is Right... he thought the pier was one of the prettiest places ever... but he never actually told me why he thought so... It could very well have been that the pier is pretty, but that he got really excellent customer service at a restaurant there, or that he met some kids and built a sandcastle with them or something... He was easily swayed by good experiences with people.

The problem with adventures, though is that I want companions and a quest and magical artifacts that I'll suddenly discover a use for mid-way through the journey. What good is adventuring on your own? Then it's just hard and lonely and you have no one to help set up camp.

Though for companions I would prefer it not be a bunch of dwarven men who will break all my plates... I have very pretty plates... they are green and blue streaked and square. But I'll make do with what I'm given, I suppose.