Am I Blue?

Yesterday's word was frolic.

So a few weeks ago I came up with a bit of a daft idea... I've kinda been into the crazy hair color for a while now.... and I decided I  really wanted blue hair... well not completely blue, but at least blue streaks... and I'm 29 and as we all know there are no more crazy hair colors allowed after 30. (What? That's the most arbitrary and random rule ever? Yeah, you are right it is.)

But seriously I can't have crazy hair forever. So today I went to the hair salon and the hairstylist said, "I was thinking a red ombré" (cause we talked about changing things up last time) and I said... what about blue??

And it just so happened that they had recently gotten a "permanent" blue hair dye. So new that they'd only experimented on the stylists in the salon, not any actual customers. And I'm told my hair is very healthy--enough that it can handle being bleached out on the ends... and it would have needed to be bleached out anyway for the red ombré....

So today I was a bit of a guinea pig.. So much so that all the stylists kept coming over to look at my hair/ooh and aw/clap their hands.

It's really subtle. You can't tell in low lighting and only barely in outside lighting (thought I did wash it again this evening in hopes of removing enough dye that it would lighten up/ be more noticeable... it will eventually, but I just want to hurry the process along.)

But still... I think I'm totally awesome now... I have blue hair.

This picture actually makes the blue more noticeable than it is.

PS I am feeling much better... either lots of sleep, food and Vitamin C works, or complaining about feeling sick works.

Camn't

I changed what my blog looks like.

Thoughts?

I'm really tire-ed, but I camn't go to bed cause I have to talk to you.

When I'm tired I put extra m's into words. So camn't wasn't a typo... it's how I'm saying it in my head right now.

Camn't.

Roll that one around in your head and then let it drip off your tongue. It's delicious, no?

I have to get up at a decent time cause I promised Kara I would...

I hope she understands "decent" means 10.

I think she does. She said she loves me just as I am.

I think my brain actually stopped working like 10 minutes ago.

Now I'm just sitting here, winking at my computer, cause one eye is too tired to be open.

Just that eye-- the other one can handle it.

Kinda gives new meaning to the idea of a "lazy" eye, huh.

I've decided I'm not going to cut all my hair off again until I'm 60 or so... or I have a person who wants me to. A boy-type person. Actually I think he might even have to be a fiance-type person. I gotta have a serious commitment before I cut my hair off for some bloke... no I take it back. A husband-type person. I'm not cutting off all my hair before my wedding. That would be complete madness!

I would assume a girl-type person who wants me to cut my hair off is up to sabotage.

I just get a lot of compliments from guys about my hair these days. Married guys- so it's not as creepy as it sounds. I never knew that boys paid any attention to a girl's hair. Nathan never cared much. But apparently guys actually do care/notice. So, fine. I'm keeping my long hair. I'll change it up with color and style, but it's staying longish.

*nods decidedly*

I reserve the right to change this when I have a baby... lots of my mother-type friends are cutting off their hair because of grabby babies and I get that, yo.

but my head is pretty darn tough, so I may make it to 60 yet.

The Serious and the silly

There is a worship song that I identify so strongly with Nathan and cancer and everything that I've gone through that, since Nathan's death, anytime I heard it I would burst into tears.

(For those of you who care it's "Perfect Sacrifice" and follow the link to the youtube, if you want.)

I have a lot of memories singing this with Nathan beside me-- both of us meaning it... and then life did take every dream away... and I realized how very little I realized what I was saying. And it makes me really really aware of how often we say things not *at all* knowing what we are actually saying. And it's not that it makes it any less true, but I don't like to sing it, because while Jesus would be (and is) still the place my hope comes from... I don't want any more dreams taken away from me... and I don't want any more lives to break. And I hate to be reminded about my stolen dreams and my broken life.

and honestly it's one of the few things that makes me upset about how unfair it is that Nathan had to die when all sorts of people who have made terrible choices are alive and why so very many people sing this song, but my dreams are the ones that had to be taken away and our life had to be broken.

I know that's a super self-centered thing to say... lots and lots of people have situations that are the same or worse than my own... It's just something that the song makes me think, and I'm perhaps more honest on this blog than is necessarily politically correct.

ANYWAY, the point of all that was to say that I'm really proud of myself, because they played "Perfect Sacrifice" in church this morning and I managed to get all the way through it without crying. I did have to stop singing it, because my throat closed up, but I didn't cry. This is a huge accomplishment for me. That's literally the first time since Nathan died I've managed.

Baby steps.

And on an entirely different note..

I had discussions with several people today about my hair. I wore it up today in a princess wrap-around-my-head kind of way-- it's actually really easy to do with wet hair and is a bit more interesting than a braid if I want a hairstyle to wear when wet.

It's cute, right? Well I was talking about it with several people who commented that tomorrow it would be curly. And I said that I don't do this hair as "precursor" hair- even though my hair is. in fact, super curly after wearing it like this all day.

and this is why.

That's a good 5 inches on either side of my head.

My head is already ginormous. I don't need to add an extra 10 inches. I'll stick to my "normal" curls, thanks.

Also only the front part stays curly like that.. the curl falls out of the back, so my hair looks completely skitzophrenic.

And I'm just too vain for huge schizophrenic hair.

A Case of Emotional Chicken Pox

Well, I got my dishes done. Even the ones that have to be done by hand. That seems like a pretty large accomplishment.

I'm also trying out a new shampoo and conditioner. It's got keratin in it to supposedly heal damage and breakage of hair.  I need it because I have long hair and long hair gets split ends. I hate split ends.

Seriously, have I ever talked about how weirdly OCD I am about split ends? It's a little disturbing, honestly. I can sit and stare at the ends of my hair for hours, picking and breaking off the split ends.  Pretty sure it's actually terrible for my hair, but it's completely obsessive compulsive.  I do it all the time. Whenever I start blogging and have to think for a second about how I want to word something I pull a section of hair in front of my eyes and look for split ends without even thinking. Or if I'm just sitting around doing nothing... I mean I guess I'm glad I don't pull out my eyelashes or something, but it's still weird and something I have to really fight not to do when I zone out.

But anyway, I started talking about that because I took out my braid and I was surprised at how good my new shampoo and conditioner smell.

 Nathan and I had a lot of little scripts that we would repeat all the time and one of them was:

Nathan: Your hair smells good.
Me: You always say that.
Nathan: It always smells good!

I've been missing him so much the past two days, and craving touch in a way that I haven't since just after he died. I literally have had to keep myself from randomly leaning on/hugging/petting friends. I've done a little of it without even thinking about it the past few days-- (Sorry if that was you and I invaded your personal space!) I was telling Kara earlier that it's like I have emotional chicken pox, and it's totally maddening. All I want to do is to connect, to touch, to not feel so darn uptight about physical contact, but you shouldn't scratch when you have chickenpox. It will only make it worse and give you scars.

Doesn't make me any less frustrated, though.

Stream of consciousness

Greetings from beyond the void.

I don't really know what void I'm referring to, I just wanted to say that.

Dude. I went to bed at 1 AM last night. No foolin'!

That isn't happening tonight. Tonight I have to curl my hair and paint my nails.... and cut them- (my nails, not my hairs) - They are at the too-long stage.... that and I have one super short one that will seem less short if I cut the rest of them.

Is it weird that I keep my curling iron and a mirror by my computer chair so that I can watch a TV show while I curl my hair?? It takes 45 minutes to curl if I'm watching a tv show and about 25 if I'm not. But if I'm not there is a lot of standing around staring at myself in the mirror, so really I'm being efficient with my time. You gotta respect that, even if you do think I spend too much time on my hair.

RESPECT IT!

Ok fine whatever, do what you want.

I'm a terrible disciplinarian.

I want a snack.

OK really I want a bowl of cereal...

Ok *Really* I want a bowl of frosted Rice Krispies.  But I'm out.

I was going to make a comment about sugary cereal, but actually, as cereals go it's not that bad. I looked it up.

Oh Noooes! I left my Mini Snickers in Jon and Katie's freezer.

Seriously. Mini Snickers, plus freezer equals my favorite... or at least my top 5 favorite.

I don't think I understand what favorite means.

Man, my stream of consciousness is more like one of those zig-zaggy sluices they have at the tourist trap gold/gem mining places.

Hair, Halloween, and Boris

So I did a trial run of my hair this evening.

Really what happened is yesterday I had cute hair. It looked like this:

Well, the first picture, anyway. Then after the hair dries it's supposed to look like second picture. Mine kinda did--- only WAY poofier...So when I got home and had no plans... I decided to do what I normally do when I am by myself and bored. I primped.

*sidenote- no I don't have a *clue* why I primp... gives a whole new level of sad to "all dressed up and nowhere to go," doesn't it? But it's what I do, nonetheless. *sidenote ended*

So anyway, I decided if I was gonna primp I should at least use my primping wisely. So I did a trial run of my hair for Snow White. I was a bit concerned that my hair was too long to accurately portray Miss White's. I'm happy to report that I was so wrong!

Check it, yo.

Also I put the rest of my costume together except for my apple or little friend, and the results are kinda awesome... can a get a ruling on whether or not a person can wear their Halloween costume all Halloween weekend long? Not gonna lie-- actually considering it. It's really cute and comfortable and obvious as to what it is without being over the top. Juuuuuust right.

Modern Snow White blows Trampy Snow White out of the water. Trust me on that one.

I've also helped/given advice to 4 other people about costumes this week-- and I think 3 of them might even listen to me :)

Work was rough today. The computer there is really old and every once in a while it hits this patch of slowness... When I got back from class the computer was in that slow place, and it was so frustrating. Just switching to a different window on the task bar caused it to go to a blank white screen and think for a minute. It took me literally all afternoon to do something that should have taken 30 minutes. I was so grumpy when I left work. There were things that needed to get done, but they couldn't because I just ran out of time and patience. I should get computer harassment pay on days like today.

OK I'm gonna go to sleep... I have to like write a one act tomorrow.... or close to it. Luckily I work best under pressure.... Right, guys?

Guys?

Guys?

It's very rude to just wander off when someone is talking to you, you know.

Fine, fine.. I still love you.... Boris Yeltsin.

PS I hate the phrase "sawing logs" when referring to snoring.  It makes it sound disgusting somehow... I mean snoring is really just loud, normally... but I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who thinks this.... then again, I'm the only person who thinks a lot of things.

Happy Birthday Grandma Twila

Stayed up far too late doing laundry last night... and then got up early for packing/traveling. I'm really glad that driving in the Prius isn't so bad.... but man did I get tired early tonight.  That said, I still have to write this here blog and shower before I sleep, so it may be a short post.

It's my grandmother's 80 birthday tomorrow.

Isn't that thing cool? That's all of my grandmother's grandchildren and great grandchildren (marrieds together) spelling out Happy Birthday Grandma Twila- 80. It was the brainchild of one of my aunts and I really like it. We are a crazy quilt of cousins-all 30 of us... holy jeepers, I'm one of 30 first and second cousins.. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my family? Cause I do. Every last one of 'em.

So I'm at "home" -technically at Rhonda's home tonight. Going to Memphis post-festivities tomorrow. Surprise festivities, so I sincerely hope my Grandma doesn't read my blog... but I don't know that she's quite that tech-savvy, so I think I'm ok.

I'm living on the edge, telling the internet beforehand. But that's just how I am- a risk taker. Wild and dangerous.. you know, me and my general wholesome-ness. (There is a reason that mothers like me more than their sons do, normally.) I have to say I get a seriously different reaction to the streak of color in my hair based on my local. In Springfield no one notices or seems to care and I get regular compliments on it. In Kirksville I had some askance glances and little old ladies who either eyed me with amusement or suspicion. In my sister's small town no one says a word about it but I get such looks! Meanwhile my niece and nephew think it's awesome.

Luckily for me, I think it's awesome, too.

Impulse control and scandalousness

I almost just made this my facebook status:

Last July I sent an e-mail to Nathan, entitled, "this can't be my facebook status :(" I think the proof of how much I've changed is in the fact that I don't mind sharing it now because I think it's hilarious: "I just took a drink of water and spilled it all down my front... but through the miracle of breasts and a bra, my shirt didn't get even a drop on it.
Just thought you should know."

Though it's still scandalous enough that I considered hiding it from my mothers.

Hi, mothers.

I didn't actually make it my facebook status, because... well it's kinda scandalous... (Hey if you can't say scandalous things on your blog, what good is a blog?) And while there is something within me that craves being scandalous there is something else that is afraid of people getting upset by my scandalous-ness. Thus why I have hair extensions in every color of the rainbow except yellow. (Darn you, yellow! Where are you?!) but no actual colored bits of hair. (Well, that and the maintenance of that hair seems like it would be hard.) Thus why I have a tattoo design and placement picked out that I love, but no actual tattoo. Thus why I didn't post this as my facebook status when it originally happened.

I've discovered in this process of figuring out who I am again that impulse control is something I'm having to relearn. Through cancer, especially the last months of it there was no impulsive-ness. Everything except medical emergencies was planned and anything unplanned sent us into tailspins. The spontaneous was completely quashed.

After Nathan's death it's been the opposite. I've been trying to embrace everything as it comes. Make a decision, put it into action. Now. Don't plan- do. If it makes you laugh it's gold. If it makes you feel alive, it's wonderful. Buy that macbook, sign up for the classes, drive to the church to get your phone and then decide to go downtown to a party on the spur of the moment. And heaven help the cute pair of tights that come across my path.

There have been some notable exceptions. I didn't go skydiving, because Kara and Rhonda told me that I was talking crazy talk. I haven't gotten a tattoo, cause Rhonda told me I should wait for the year mark to make sure I still wanted to. I didn't go to Starbucks today even though I really wanted to.

But I certainly haven't found an equilibrium at all, and I'm not sure how to re-learn something that used to be instinctive. I didn't used to have to focus on self-control and doing things that I didn't really want to and not doing things that I did.

I don't want to go back to the way that I was... Honestly, I was pretty repressed. But I don't want to lose all that I had, either. And I *never* want to think that Nathan wouldn't like the person who I am now. So I guess now I have to find a new place to balance. I know I'll find a way eventually. In the meantime, though, just promise me that you will laugh at my crazy antics and not judge me for them. I just don't know who I am anymore.

Hello from 4 AM.

I think I might nap in the late afternoon/early evening because that's the loneliest time of day for me. In the morning it's just about getting to work, and at 1or two in the morning it's a lot easier to be up because I'm staying up. But from 5-7 I'm just remembering that I haven't seen anyone today and that I have no one to make dinner plans with and that the world has pretty well moved on with their lives. Seems like a better plan to just sleep through that. Why not sleep when there is no reason to be awake? Especially when one naturally will stay awake till 2 without a nap.

Can you tell I'm missing him a lot today? I realized how much he would have loved my hair... He always had a thing for Violet from The Incredibles. 

See the resemblance? Well, even if you don't, I do, and I know Nathan would have loved it. And not just because he liked any hair style that I did.

The roller coaster ride is evening out. The lows don't get so low, and I think that I'm becoming less manic about making sure I have something to fill every second... But I don't think the missing will ever go away. I've started to not know if I did something before or after Nathan's death... and I really hate it. I can't remember if I watched a certain TV show with him or by myself. I can't remember if I talked to him about this certain thing or not. I miss hearing his opinions, his thoughts, his plans. I hate so much the loss of Nathan's potential in this world... He had so much more he could have done... so much more he wanted to do.

I wish the grieving process was something definable. I wish I could pass a mark or do something and be able to check it off a list. I wish it wasn't just a set of ever lengthening milestones that I'll never come to the end of.... I wish I didn't identify so much with this song.

Something tells me I should be sleeping through 4 AM, too.

In which I allude to great works of literature and film

So I figured out how to give my sidebar gadgets over there ---> a background so they can actually be read. It took all of 3 seconds to search for it and fill the solution someone else gave into the code. But I still consider it to be impressive, just not in a ridiculously awesome way.

Also I changed my hair in a way that I would classify as drastic, though I'm unsure as to whether others would as well... though I saw two guys tonight that I see at least once a week or so and they both noticed without prompting, so maybe it is drastic. Either way I'm tremendously thrilled with the results.

What do the results look like?? Well, let me show you.

If you are my friend on facebook you've seen this one. Here's why- Dark brunette hair is magic. No, for real. I've often lamented that I can't get a picture of myself that I like unless I take like 100 pictures, right? Well that right there, which I think is a great picture of me, was the second picture I took. (In the first one I was smirking too much so it looked questionable as to whether I liked my hair, but I still looked good in it.) And the third picture I took is up on Facebook, too. That's 3 pictures and I think they all look great. Either that or dark hair lets in the body snatchers who take good pictures and are apparently very quiet body-tenants... which rather belies the use of the word "snatch."

I got to hang out with people till 1:30 AM... so I'm just now getting tired at 3.

What's that you say? You are perfectly content with a blog post that's nearly exclusively about my hair?!

Awesome! Thanks! I thank you, my sleep schedule thanks you, my British GPS thanks you, the German judge thanks you, the monster at the end of this blog thanks you.

Wait, there is a monster at the end of this blog?  Whatever you do, you must keep reading! If you never quit reading then this blog will never have an end, and the monster won't get me. So just keep reading, just keep reading what do we do? We read, read.

Love you forever,
P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney

Miniscule

I'm so on a people high right now... I hosted a party for Melissa tonight, limited only in the number of people who can comfortably fit in my tiny apartment (We were actually a couple over "comfortable" I think.) But it was lovely. I hate the cleaning and the prep, but I really enjoy hosting things... Possibly because I love getting people together and hanging out and I'm most comfortable at my own place. Plus, Kara teases me, but I like to imagine my house really is a magical land where time seems to go away. If we can just get people laughing hard enough and smiling long enough, time stops. Sleepiness goes away, and suddenly you are saying, "Holy crap, it's one in the morning!" (I say, "you" because, even if I don't know it's one in the mornin' that isn't so late to me. :) )

My hair was cooperative today. I love it when that happens.

Yeah, I really don't have anything else to say. I'm just drifting along in a happy little euphoria. I think I'll go read a book.

Love you a bushel and a peck.

Father's Day, bossy legs, and one dang cute ponytail

Happy Father's Day!

Well, yes, I realize to that the rest of the world it's actually the day after Father's Day, but I don't count that ship as having sailed until I go to bed for the night. So, as I'm still in my pjs and still at the computer it's still Father's Day in my own little corner of the world. And I would like to take this moment to tell my two fathers (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure only one of them reads my blog) that I love them both very much.  Both of them are the strong silent type so it's not like we talk about it very often, but I think the world of them, despite the fact that I don't call... I'm just not big on phone calls... I'm like an 80 year old man that way. Still it in no way reduces my love for them, which is very great.

Ya'll really care about my hair, right? I thought so, that's why I'm going to tell you about it. Today I wore my hair in three low buns. All day long. Then this evening I got home, and took them out and put my hair up to work on computer stuff... and low and behold. The cutest ponytail known to man was born atop my head. And there I am at home at midnight with nary a place to go to show off my most majestic of hair-dos. And the really sad part? I can't take a good picture of it because it's on the back of my head.

 So basically I took a million pictures that ended up looking something akin to this... And trust me this does not do the cuteness justice.

And then I took this one, in which you cannot see the ponytail really at all, but my Aunt Dawn tells me I look beautiful... I think I look sleepy, but I prefer beautiful, so we are gonna go with that one.

Also my momma is in town with a family friend for the next few days, so I'm gonna be a busy bee this week... well, I've kinda been a busy bee lately in general, but it's not slowing down this week, apparently. Leastaways not till Thursday.

So... 7 ish hours of house painting... I thought my arms would be sore, but oh heaven's no, it's my legs... Dang is it my legs... You see all 5'3 and 3/4 of me had to hop up and down on a stool a lot to paint things higher than my head... and my legs are not used to stool hopping. They are vehemently protesting me today, but it was worth it. You can't tell me what to do, legs! You aren't the boss of me!

Ouch! Ok, ok, you can tell me what to do a little bit... Guess there isn't a stair-climbing marathon in my near future. There is no justice in the world.