Hello from 4 AM.

I think I might nap in the late afternoon/early evening because that's the loneliest time of day for me. In the morning it's just about getting to work, and at 1or two in the morning it's a lot easier to be up because I'm staying up. But from 5-7 I'm just remembering that I haven't seen anyone today and that I have no one to make dinner plans with and that the world has pretty well moved on with their lives. Seems like a better plan to just sleep through that. Why not sleep when there is no reason to be awake? Especially when one naturally will stay awake till 2 without a nap.

Can you tell I'm missing him a lot today? I realized how much he would have loved my hair... He always had a thing for Violet from The Incredibles. 

See the resemblance? Well, even if you don't, I do, and I know Nathan would have loved it. And not just because he liked any hair style that I did.

The roller coaster ride is evening out. The lows don't get so low, and I think that I'm becoming less manic about making sure I have something to fill every second... But I don't think the missing will ever go away. I've started to not know if I did something before or after Nathan's death... and I really hate it. I can't remember if I watched a certain TV show with him or by myself. I can't remember if I talked to him about this certain thing or not. I miss hearing his opinions, his thoughts, his plans. I hate so much the loss of Nathan's potential in this world... He had so much more he could have done... so much more he wanted to do.

I wish the grieving process was something definable. I wish I could pass a mark or do something and be able to check it off a list. I wish it wasn't just a set of ever lengthening milestones that I'll never come to the end of.... I wish I didn't identify so much with this song.

Something tells me I should be sleeping through 4 AM, too.