The Serious and the silly

There is a worship song that I identify so strongly with Nathan and cancer and everything that I've gone through that, since Nathan's death, anytime I heard it I would burst into tears.

(For those of you who care it's "Perfect Sacrifice" and follow the link to the youtube, if you want.)

I have a lot of memories singing this with Nathan beside me-- both of us meaning it... and then life did take every dream away... and I realized how very little I realized what I was saying. And it makes me really really aware of how often we say things not *at all* knowing what we are actually saying. And it's not that it makes it any less true, but I don't like to sing it, because while Jesus would be (and is) still the place my hope comes from... I don't want any more dreams taken away from me... and I don't want any more lives to break. And I hate to be reminded about my stolen dreams and my broken life.

and honestly it's one of the few things that makes me upset about how unfair it is that Nathan had to die when all sorts of people who have made terrible choices are alive and why so very many people sing this song, but my dreams are the ones that had to be taken away and our life had to be broken.

I know that's a super self-centered thing to say... lots and lots of people have situations that are the same or worse than my own... It's just something that the song makes me think, and I'm perhaps more honest on this blog than is necessarily politically correct.

ANYWAY, the point of all that was to say that I'm really proud of myself, because they played "Perfect Sacrifice" in church this morning and I managed to get all the way through it without crying. I did have to stop singing it, because my throat closed up, but I didn't cry. This is a huge accomplishment for me. That's literally the first time since Nathan died I've managed.

Baby steps.

And on an entirely different note..

I had discussions with several people today about my hair. I wore it up today in a princess wrap-around-my-head kind of way-- it's actually really easy to do with wet hair and is a bit more interesting than a braid if I want a hairstyle to wear when wet.

It's cute, right? Well I was talking about it with several people who commented that tomorrow it would be curly. And I said that I don't do this hair as "precursor" hair- even though my hair is. in fact, super curly after wearing it like this all day.

and this is why.

That's a good 5 inches on either side of my head.

My head is already ginormous. I don't need to add an extra 10 inches. I'll stick to my "normal" curls, thanks.

Also only the front part stays curly like that.. the curl falls out of the back, so my hair looks completely skitzophrenic.

And I'm just too vain for huge schizophrenic hair.