Blackbird singing in the dead of night

As I sit here with my spoonful of Nutella and ponder the world I think... What? You never sit around with a spoonful of Nutella? It's just one spoonful! That's a serving size! I know it's not healthy, but it's not *that* bad... I don't double dip!

Honestly, my sweets consumption has seriously dropped off... I'm not totally sure why except that my total food consumption has dropped off considerably... Don't worry I'm still eating... but when you aren't concerned all the time with making sure that someone else is eating it's a lot easier to skip meals or just make one fast thing.... "dinner" is an event I don't really want to create. I'd rather just do something easy. Something I don't have to clean up after... something I can just check off the list. As Kara has said, "Grief is an effective diet plan." It's true... I'm just not that hungry... I basically eat cause I know I should...  Which pretty much means I can eat nearly anything and still not hit the 2000 calorie mark... If I could get into some sort of exercise routine I'd be a delicate flower in no time! I should probably start actually taking vitamins instead of just letting them sit on my shelf, huh? (yes, I know it's better if you eat them in foods... but food eating as I have mentioned is hard and I'm still not as interested in the foods that actually deliver the best sources of vitamins)

Seriously... broccoli does not taste good... I don't care how much cheese/butter/salt/miracle ingredient you add to it, it's still gross. And don't even get me started on it's scary white friend, cauliflower.

I think I'm a care taker.. Which is exactly what I needed to be for the last 16 months... (18 months? Sept-Sept = 12 + Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan.)  My gosh... 16 months... That's less than the difference in Nathan and my ages... How was it only 16 months? It feels like so much much longer.

Anyway, I needed to be a caretaker for 16 months... only now I don't know how to redefine myself to be my own caretaker. And even before that..I think that is part of what made our marriage so easy... I was good at taking care of what he needed and he was good at taking care of what I needed....

It might be early to say this, but I'm pretty sure I will marry again- if I can find someone who's interested... Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I've seen firsthand what a wonderful experience it can be, and I don't want to be without that companionship for the rest of my life, if I can help it... Nathan told me he didn't want that either in the "I just want you to be ok" conversation... gosh that conversation was around this time a year ago. Laying in bed in the dark, talking about what might happen, cause neither of us wanted to try and face it in the light... It's a conversation that I never want another person on this earth to have to have... but it's been such a comfort to me as I journey through this strange land of dealing.

In other news I think you should consider being a backer for this band. Four out of the five members of Blackbird Cathedral attend my church and are in the worship rotation... I honestly hadn't heard anything they'd done, until just recently. I'm kinda out of the loop and concerts/shows are not exactly something I'm super comfortable with, so I haven't seen them live... They are almost entirely instrumental, and while I don't really "get" some of their older stuff, they are perfect for me to put on in the background as I sit here and write. Their newest stuff especially evokes the feeling of Nathan for me without a lot of the sadness that the Pandora station he made seemed to create, which is nice. They aren't for everyone, but give 'em a go, will ya?