Pioneer Woman had a post about a cowboy funeral.
And I saw that Ender's Game is being made into a movie, and I thought about how excited Nathan would have been.
And how he never got to read any books in the series except the first one.
And how much he liked it... and would have liked the rest of them.
And I just wish he could be here to finish so many things he didn't get to.
And to see me hold Bolt and how smiley Bolt is with me.
And to hold Bolt and for Bolt to be smiley with him.
And for that to melt me into a pile of goo.
And to talk to me when I'm irritated with someone or something.
And to give me his opinion on perfume.
And to tell me I'm beautiful. I miss that *so* much. I can't even begin to explain how much and how often I want to hear that I'm beautiful because he isn't here to say it to me.
And I'm afraid to say any of this.
I fight really hard to prove that I don't have emotional baggage, to show that I'm ok, to prove that I can and am able to move forward... and sometimes it feels like if I admit that I miss him then I'm throwing the markers that people use to judge how I'm doing down the drain.
Admitting to missing him is like a Velociraptor incident in this sign.
Only I don't even get days- I get interactions, so if someone just reads this blog post and doesn't read another post for a month I'm stuck in their head where I am right now, and my emotions just aren't that fixed.
I'm in a good place, but there is no way to prove it to anyone... cause I'd say it, even if I wasn't. I can only show it and that takes so darn long. Everything takes so darn long.
I don't want to have to start from scratch. I don't want to be realistic or fair. My life was already exactly where I wanted it to be and I want to pout about it, but that will just take up time that is already gone.
I don't even know how to explain it, but missing Nathan makes me so impatient for the rest of my life to happen. It's like I have to live for the both of us, and I'm just standing around.
Hi, my name is Renee and it's been 10 seconds since my last Velociraptor incident.
You are the best person on the planet.
ReplyDeleteThis is an un-biased opinion.
Like, normally, I would say/think it b/c I'm your bff. But I will put my bff-ness on hold and tell you honestly right now if you are the best person on the planet or if you suck:
You are the best person on the planet.
Thanks for sharing, Renee...I can totally relate...in fact, my blog post from last night was kinda similar. Hang in there, and learn not to give a hoot what the rest of the world thinks about your emotional progress. Love is patient and kind, slow to anger, and will never leave you on your bad days. Those who love you will give you space to breathe. And I love your honestly about being frustrated with baggage, impatience, uncertainty, etc. I think all of us feel that to one degree or another in our lives, but most don't have the guts to say it. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about what those that don't understand will think, you can miss him and be sad. You can be happy that things are moving forward. There is no right or wrong to what you are feeling.
ReplyDelete