Joy

Apparently Feb 1st is the day to blog. I had a ton of people write blogs in my feed.

So what I was going to say... What I have to say.

I've been feeling recently like I have so much joy... and I've been seeing people who don't. And I want to share, but I don't know how. It's not something that just rubs off if I touch a person. It's not something that I can give by talking about it. It's not even something that I can pass along through prayer. (God can, but not me.) And I don't get it, cause I want to share... so many people have been asking about me and concerned about me and aware of this time... and I thank them for it--- but I'm ok.

I was talking to someone the other day and they said that people who are happy are easier to grieve for in some respects... because people tend to grieve the person the way *they* would want.  And Nathan... he wouldn't have wanted tears and sorrow. Nathan *loved* life. Nathan would have wanted joy for me.

I saw an article today-- the 5 five regrets of the dying. And I thought- I don't think Nathan had many regrets... things that he would have changed about the way he lived. Obviously I think he would have chosen to live longer and experience more if he could've, but you can't really regret the life that you don't get. And he lived *so* well while he was here... and oh how he loved.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 8, and I lay in bed and I thought.. I wanted to be awake at 8:30... I wanted to be awake- but not in sorrow. And in that time I got this feeling... this anticipation... this awareness... and it will sound strange, but the only thing I can liken it to is the feeling I had that last week in the hospital... when I knew something bad was going to happen... only this time it wasn't a bad feeling... it was a good feeling. There is good up ahead... I just know it.

Since that day- since the bashing- I've just had a lightness of heart. Nathan would have loved his celebration. He's probably up in heaven jealous that he didn't think of it first. Or maybe he did and he told God to implant the idea in Kara's subconscious.

Anyway... I just feel... well-- not "healed" because I think there will always be scars and hang-ups... but I feel healthy. I'll never forget him. Never ever ever. But I don't feel so broken. I was *so* lucky to have been loved by such a man, and even if it never happens again... God will be enough... He will provide the friends, the people, the support that I need.

I wish I could give you a piece of that... a seed of that joy, but I don't know how.