Memory

I've been thinking a lot about memory.

In part because I remember a lot.

In part because it's a little bit about what my last story was about.

In part because Ryan sent me the link to this article.

In part because in the article it makes memory sound like a sandcastle... or a little kid's block set. Something you build and then every time you remember you knock it all down and build it up again. But it's never really the same as it was... not quite.

In part because there are so many things that I wish were written down, or video taped, just so that I would know exactly what happened... exactly how it happened...

In part because there are so many things that were once written down that have been lost now.

In part because Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind has burst back into my life with a vengeance and I just watched it for the first time since I lived on the first floor of a hexagonal prism.

In part because I'm in one of those weird moods that artsy movies make you get into.

In part because I messed up my sleep schedule last week and it's currently 5:30 AM

In part because I want to have Clementine's hair.

The thing that I like about my blog is that it's a semi-accurate representation of what I'm feeling on a day to day basis, that I can always go back and look at. The thing I dislike about it is the same...

I say semi-accurate, for one reason- I still keep secrets from my blog. If I'm angry at someone I don't tell my blog. If I'm in love with someone I don't tell my blog. If I'm bored with someone I don't tell my blog. I don't (or very rarely?) express my political views on my blog. I don't tell other's secrets on my blog.

Sometimes I leave myself subtle clues, so that if I ever do go back and read my blog I can recall the emotion of that day.... What I was really saying. I try to be subtle enough that no one else knows they are clues, but sometimes I wonder if those who know me best.. can't see through the billboard sign that I call "subtle."

I have a pretty distorted view of myself... I think my mouth is open really really big when Kara says it's just barely open and I think my thoughts/emotions are locked up up tight when really they are on display for anyone who has eyes.

But then again maybe that just means I'm like the rest of the world.