Well I'm gonna be two days behind now. My cold decided to kick it up a notch the past few days and after going to St. Louis and back today all I can think is going to bed...again... I already took a 2 hour nap when we got home. My brain might be a little fuzzy from the cold medicine, too...

In other news, if I wasn't already married I would seriously consider a proposal from Bigelow's "Constant Comment" tea. We spend all our time together these days.

Nov. 7th- Kara

Nov 7th- Kara

There once was a girl, kind and fair
Who was blessed with flowing red hair
She's bossy and bold
But truer than gold
And she likes me even when my limericks don't rhyme.

Kara is my best friend.  That's what she told me when we were sophomores in college and stayed up late during the first week of school talking about boys and crushes. (Well, I think she actually said, "Do you want to be best friends? Let's be best friends!") I thought to myself that perhaps the moniker of best friend might be a bit early considering we'd only had about three conversations previous to this, but I'm kinda mellow, so I said, "ok" and it stuck. Kara and I didn't talk much our freshman year. I only have two memories of her, in fact, the first is that she was really loud and excited about going to the PhatBash (yes that's what it was called... such a bad name!) on our first night in the dorms, (And I was amazed by (and scared by) her, because how could someone feel so comfortable so quickly? *I* felt like a turtle in a ball pit. -Totally out of place and sinking fast.) The second memory I have is her trying to teach me Hebrew on a napkin when I was totally uninterested. Then our sophomore year we ended up in the same suite by a random series of coincidences and the rest is history.

Kara and I have come a long way since, then. She is one of the few people outside my family who can read me accurately, and who knows when I'm upset even when I try to hide it. Kara and I are not very similar... but I think we are very complimentary. She is pretty intense and bossy (in a good way!) and I am pretty low key and can't make decisions, but love going along for the ride. She has emotional responses which help me recognize when someone was out of line or offensive, and I can encourage her to wait to confront someone until the next day. Basically she's the rabbit and I'm the turtle and when they work together they both finish the race in record time. I think the one place where we do line up nicely is our sense of humor. We pretty much think all of the same things are funny. OK, I may never have her appreciation for Kristen Wiig from SNL, and she may never share my love of the Pioneer Woman, but other than that we are good.

Only a couple of white girls with the same sense of humor could pose as such believable thugs

Have you ever played the "which character would I be" game? Basically you take an ensemble cast (like Friends) and cast yourself and your friends in the roles. One of the nicest things about Kara is that she always seems to cast me as the lead character. I know it doesn't necessarily seem like much, but people are usually pretty self focused, and when a show revolves more around one character, that is the character that people naturally put themselves into... But Kara doesn't do that. With Friends, she thinks I'm Rachel. I'm also Frodo, to her Sam, Harry to her Ron, and Diana to her Anne. (Ok I know that Anne is actually the main character in that last one, but come on! A red-head with a tendency towards emotional reactions and dramatics...and a dark headed bosom friend who basically goes along with everything she says.. LM Montgomery was pretty much writing about the two of us!)

Kara is always there when I need someone to help me shop for clothes, or a sympathetic ear, or an encouragement. She always seems to know exactly what to say (and what not to say) when I'm upset, and I know that I can trust her to assume the best about me. She is very good at talking and filling the silence, so that I don't have to come up with things to say, but listening when I do have something. She knows I hate to drive, so she always does. (In fact she's even coming with us to St. Louis tomorrow, so that I won't have to drive as much!) She doesn't mind that I don't like politics or that I hate intellectual arguing, even though she loves them, and she has been a crucial member of my support system in the past year.

Neither Kara nor I are very touchy... Some people are touchy people, some aren't and we are the latter. One time we were on a walk and I was demonstrating something and I had to touch her arm and so I did... and then it was silent for about 30 seconds and then we both started talking about how it was weird. So Kara and I don't really hug or anything... instead we talk about our forever friendship... and usually as dramatically as possible, because I wasn't joking about identifying with Anne and Diana (I'm terribly sorry to all the boys out there who have never read Anne of Green Gables. Maybe you should go rent the movie with Megan Follows, I swear it's not as bad as you think it is.) Here is an excerpt from an e-mail Kara sent me not long after Nathan was diagnosed, she might be a little embarrassed that I put this in here... but I think it shows how incredible of a friend Kara is to me.

"So you just keep in your head that there's nothing you can ask me for that could be harder than what you're facing, so you owe it to me to ask and to give me as much of the load as can be given.  Even then, it will be so little. 
Just to make sure you don't forget, you are my best friend and I am your best friend.  And we decided all that a long time ago, but we didn't swear an oath like Anne and Diana, so I just wanted to do that now:
Just like Anne, and pretend we're holding hands over running water: I solemnly swear to be faithful to my bosom friend, Renee Dunn, as long as the sun and moon shall endure."

Yes, dramatic but that doesn't make it any less heartfelt, and it still makes me tear up. I'm so incredibly grateful for such an amazing friend.

Nov 6th- Ron and Linda

Nov. 6th - Ron and Linda

Today I'm very grateful for Nathan's aunt and uncle who live here in Springfield. I swear I didn't marry Nathan for his family, but they sure are some fantastic perks! Ron and Linda have opened their home to us on many occasions. Nathan stayed with them several times during college. Over the summers, before he got his apartment and even during the great Ice Storm of 2007. Actually he, myself, and another friend all stayed there during the ice storm and it was great because they had power, heat, and even cable. Because of them, I actually really enjoyed the ice storm. It was like a mini vacation! Their house is a home away from home when we are on the south side of town and in need of somewhere to hang out for a few hours (or last year if I needed to get away from the hospital to take a nap), and they have hosted my family several times, because our tiny apartment doesn't exactly have a guest room. Beyond that, they even loaned us a recliner this weekend so that Nathan can sleep better. Laying down is really hard on his back and he had been only getting 3 hours or so a night. Last night, because of the recliner, he got six!

Linda is very thoughtful. She always remembers to send out cards for special occasions (or just cause), even though I can never seem to remember to reciprocate. She keeps her house in nearly spotless condition, and has gotten the perfect Thanksgiving turkey down to a science. She is also (apparently) a fantastic Words with Friends (aka Scrabble on the iPhone) player, though I only know this from Paula, who holds her two victories against Linda as great accomplishments (even though one was an accidental resignation). She is incredibly nice and always willing to help out in any way she can. (Though she does have a secret competitive streak... She is the reason I know that one of Paula's victories was an accidental resignation... and that it was Ron on her phone who accidentally resigned.) Linda is also the picture taking impetus at all family functions and it's very rare to have 3 or more family sets gathered together without getting at least one group shot.

Thanksgiving- last year

I love Ron's sense of humor. He and Paula are hilarious to watch together because they both tease each other mercilessly. Ron has the family reputation of cheating at cards... though I can't say that I've ever witnessed him actually cheating... just playing with good strategy. The rest of the family would probably say the reason why I've never seen him is just he's that good at it... but let's just say that Paula is not the only person who likes to tease Ron... or vice versa. Ron loves Arkansas football, band(s), and people, and he has a wonderful talent at drawing people in and making them feel comfortable. Ron asked me all about where I was from and my family on that first Thanksgiving that I crashed, and even remembered the information a year later when I came back.

Actually, in a very indirect way, Ron and Linda are the reason that Nathan and I met in the first place. Without them, Nathan probably wouldn't have applied to SMS and he definitely wouldn't have made the presidential scholarship application deadline (which he subsequently got). They are just constantly looking out for us, and I know that we could ask them for anything in their power and they would make it happen... right down to letting us take the furniture from their house! Basically Ron and Linda are some of the kindest people I know and I'm so grateful to have married into such an incredible family.

Nov. 5th- Bill and Paula

So, you may have noticed I didn't write a double doozy last night... and tonight is not looking too promising either.... perhaps tomorrow? I promise to get caught up... eventually!

Nov. 5th- Bill and Paula
I got really lucky with my in-laws. There are so many horror stories out there of horrible in-laws, and if half of them are true then I firmly believe I hit the jackpot. Not only did they raise the incredible guy I call my husband, but they love me like a daughter as well. They have both been so supportive of me, our marriage and Nathan as we have gone through the past year.

Bill is pretty much the closest thing to a human teddy bear there is. He's so sweet and like my own dad, the strong silent type. Bill is also a workaholic, like my dad. He works for the postal service and has for longer than I've been alive. He has some good stories of things he has encountered over the years, including an old lady that gave him alcohol for thank you presents. (Bill and Paula don't drink.) They used the beer as slug killer and I'm not sure what they did with the other stuff. He loves electronics and gadgets and many a time he has tried out some device only to buy one for us after being impressed with it. (Or buying one for himself, too, if he was just researching for us!!) He is very thoughtful and always thinking ahead. This does tend to make him a worrier, but as one myself, I can relate. Bill always pays attention to the names of the waitstaff when we are in a restaurant. This is a habit that Nathan has learned from him over the years and I think it's so nice. I'm sure the waiters/waitresses appreciate being remembered as well.

Paula is a spitfire. She is constantly doing something, be it Words with Friends on her iPhone, or getting things done around the house, or even just reading a book- she puts everything she is into the task at hand. She has a great sense of humor, and we have gotten pretty close over the past year. There is just something about getting lost in the streets of St. Louis and ending up at the closed zoo that will really bond a mother and daughter-in-law- especially when it ends in White Castle, which are officially the grossest hamburgers known to man. She stayed in Springfield last year from the end of Sept to the end of Nov while Nathan was in the hospital and was able to take leave to stay with Nathan during the bone marrow transplant and immediate recovery period when he had to be in St. Louis. I don't know what we would have done without her. The picture above was taken at the Corn maze this year. Paula had been reading books to her students (she's a school librarian) about corn mazes and got really excited about them, so when she heard we had one she decided to come up for a visit. Unfortunately this foray into the maze ended in disaster, as she stepped on a corn cob which rolled right out from under her. She got a couple of cuts on her chin and hand and sprained some ligaments in her arm, meaning she had to wear a sling for like a week and take a whole lot of Tylenol. After we got out of the maze, we ended up having to go to Urgent Care for her. But the thing she was really upset about was "ruining our fun."

I haven't had as much time with Bill and Paula to amass a story trove like I did for my immediate family, but here a few goodies. Bill brought home a white kitten and named it Shadow. Sometimes, Bill creates different names in his head, and one time he called the cat Snowball, but it's name is Shadow. I digress. Anyway, one day Paula came home to find Bill wrapping up his toe, which was bleeding quite a bit. He had other scratches, too. She asked him what happened and he replied, "Well.... turns out Shadow doesn't like being vacuumed."

Did you get that?

He tried to vacuum the cat.

But you know, I may be getting the story wrong... because Bill learned the hard way that Shadow doesn't like to take showers, either.

 Paula was there for the best New Years party to ever take place inside a hospital. This story shall mainly be told via pictures. It included much sparkling grape juice and nurses.

 and scarf twirling
















Drs orders to wear party hats

 And people who didn't need no stinkin' orders












 A 1AM trip to the cafeteria- (Nathan came, too!)

And this face... Which was pretty much worth the price of admission on it's own.

Nov 4th- Dad

You may note that it is in fact November 5th. Here's the thing. I write my blogs late at night.... normally I start at around 11 or midnight... only last night I came home at 9:30 with a bad headache and took some Excedrin,  made some tea, sat down on the couch in the office and pretty much fell asleep within minutes. (I laugh in the face of caffeine!) I only woke up once to gulp down some more tea, and then at 11 for a few minutes to help Nathan get to bed.. (He's not moving too easily these days.) Then I went to my actual bed and continued the snooze fest. Granted I could have written when I woke up this morning, but it just felt weird, so I decided to pull a double doozy tonight, though I shall give each person their own blog post.

Nov 4th- Dad

You ever hear someone discussing the "strong, silent type?" They are pretty much talking about my dad. My dad is the eldest of 9 children and I think that growing up he learned a few things. 1) Eat fast and 2) Talking isn't really necessary unless you have something to say. He had some kidney stones at one point when I was growing up, so he slowed down the eating some, but the second is pretty much the same. If my dad calls me, I immediately get worried, because we do not talk on the phone... It's happened about 2 times since I went to college and  they both involved a serious illness in the family. Don't get me wrong, he can talk for a long time about things he knows about... Big A's/ fertilizer and internet recipe websites and turkey bone sleds. (I unfortunately wasn't paying enough attention during the discussion of that last thing, so all I know is that my father knows something about making (miniature? life sized?) sleds from the bones of turkeys.) It is also worth noting that my Dad is very smart. His father got very sick when Dad was in high school and passed away a few years after he graduated, so he doesn't have a college education. Too busy trying to keep the family farm/business going, to have a chance to go off to school. I asked my Dad what he would have done if he had been able to go to college and he wasn't totally sure, but mentioned being a doctor. He definitely could have been. Apparently he and Mom used to clean up on Trivial Pursuit nights with friends. My dad really likes to read, but doesn't really own any books. He just picks up whatever other people are reading... and if they want it he hands it over and if he never finishes, he doesn't seem to mind. (That would drive me bonkers!) He does collect and read (not in the bathroom) the "Uncle John's Bathroom Readers." It's all the disparate bits of knowledge. They call to him.

Living in a house with all girls he did have a tendency to get teased quite a bit when we were growing up, but my father is the mellow-est person I know. He "just goes with the flow." I think I've seen him get mad about 5 times in my life- Normally when Rhonda and I weren't doing something that he told us to do about 20 times in a row. I think this is because he has a very active imagination... at least I assume it's imagination that makes him jump and duck and jerk around when he's watching a fight/action scene in a movie. Yeah, that is pretty hilarious to watch. My Dad does a lot of the cooking at home, and he (and myself, growing up) were the bakers in the family... but he always does the harder things...Cinnamon rolls, regular rolls, pie crust, ect. Dad's "cornmeal" rolls are incredible. (They just have a little bit of corn meal in them, they are not cornbread or anything) and his coconut cream pie, is about the most delicious thing on the planet... (though I have to wheedle pretty hard for that one, cause it's a lot of work/ time consuming.) He's a jack of all trades- part electrician, carpenter, chef, mechanic, and professional computer solitaire player...if such a thing existed. He's a workaholic and his only condition for Nathan marrying me was that we "try to avoid the busy season" (We did the best we could but since I was teaching at the time we had to get married during the tail end of it.)

Dad has a presence. It has some to do with his height and strength, but it isn't just that. He has the biggest hands of nearly anyone I know. I'm not sure how that lends to his presence, just trust me on this one. He's larger than life and sometimes stories about him sound like tall tales. For example: My father has fallen off a grain bin. In case you are not familiar, this is what a grain bin looks like

They vary in height, and that is a smallish one, but it's got the right kind of ladder for the story. I have no clue how tall the one in question was. You see he was on top of a grain bin... I'm not really sure what he was doing-- Hooking something up, probably. Then when he went to get back down the side he missed a step on the ladder and couldn't catch himself and went tumbling. Oh and see the concrete pad there? Pretty much all grain bins are on concrete pads like that and this was no exception. In fact I think the concrete pad may have been built father off of the ground than that one and he hit the edge(?) of it... with his face. I've never visited the scene of the fall, so I'm not totally sure. Anyway my dad fell off and walked away without a scratch! .... ok not true at all... that really was a tall tale. He did fall off and hit some sort of concrete with his face, though. He broke bones in his foot and his hand, knocked out several teeth and had to have his jaw wired shut for several weeks. Now he has fake teeth. Seriously how many people can say they have dentures because of a grain bin fall? I pretty much think my Dad is a super hero. He even has the Clark Kent hair.

Nov 3rd- Mom

So I read it over today and thought that yesterday's entry was less than well written.. Sorry about that. I shall attempt to do better from here on out!

Nov. 3rd- Mom

Mom's senior picture. She's so cute!

Today I am thankful for my Mom. I have a really supportive mother... It's odd because it's actually ridiculously hard to get an opinion out of her. Seriously, ask the woman about your hairstyle or politics or what she wants to do when she visits and ya get nothin'. Ask her opinion on chocolate, though and it's another matter. But because she doesn't always speak her mind, it also means that I've never heard her say that there is anything I can't do. Well, besides touch a hot stove, but it was really more of a shouldn't and I kinda think she was right on that one. My mom believes in me, and because of that I work hard to live up to her expectations. She came to every play, every concert, every event, all through elementary and highschool and when I decided to go to college for Musical Theatre (a perhaps less than practical major, dare I say?) she supported that just as she did everything else. Mom loves to brag about her kids. She loves showing off our accomplishments and that has always made me feel very special. I remember in kindergarten overhearing Mom discussing my "grades" with someone. She made a huge deal out of the fact that I had recieved all "E's" on my report card. I'm pretty sure that most kindergarteners get all E's but she sounded so proud of me that I thought I was really something special. I'm pretty sure I became an honor's student as a direct result and I hope to repeat that when I have children someday.

My mom is kinda quirky, like me. She likes to collects things- for instance she collects magnets. and when I say "collects" I mean that she had my dad install painted metal sheeting above the wainscotting in their kitchen so that she could cover all the available space with them. (Before she had to use cookie sheets and there was wasted space!) She also loves to craft, and if you ever come to my apartment you will see a gorgeous counted cross-stitch picture she made for me that took her 3 years (off and on) to make. She carries a bag with her wherever she goes that has her current projects, and I'm pretty sure that every member of my extended family has a picture somewhere of something she made. Mom made Rhonda and I a Barbie RV out of plastic canvas.

It was epic. She furnished several Barbie rooms with plastic canvas furniture, too. Oh, and did I mention that she used to tape Jeopardy? I don't know if she still does or not, but I wouldn't be surprised.

My mother is the person who introduced me to musicals. She is the reason I fell in love with theatre, but that's not all I got from her. We share a love of television (though Mom is more TLC and I'm more Bravo), a love of reading (Agatha Christie- her, Mercedes Lackey- me), a sense of determination that more than nudges up against the line between it and stubbornness, and a love of brain teasers and logic problems. The most important thing I think I learned from my mom (and a few other ladies I will be mentioning later this month, I am sure) is a sense of self confidence. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know that I'm a pretty good person. I'm not thin, but I think I'm still beautiful. I'm not Einstein, but I'm still smart. I'm not Rembrandt, Cezanne, or Monet, but I have artistic talent. I'm ridiculously shy and I make horrible first impressions, but I'm definitely worth knowing. And the reason I know all that is that I have a mom who knew all that and taught it to me.

Nathan asked my parents permission to ask me to marry him. And after he proposed to me at sunrise that July morning in Arkansas, I started calling a lot of different people. Mom was the first on the list- if for no other reason, because I knew she would be up that early! So I called her, and said, "Mom, I'm engaged!" and she said, happily, but matter of factly, "I know." I'm not quite sure why but I feel like that story encompasses so much of my mom. Well, that story and this picture...

Ok, mainly just the story, I just think this accidental picture I took is hilarious... and yes, she made that latch-hook in the background... it's part of her nativity collection which you can see on the shelves that are right next to it.

November 2nd- Rhonda

Today I am grateful for my "baby" sister. I know that she is actually only 18 months younger than me and I can't actually remember a time when she wasn't around, but I still like to call her baby. I think it's a complex of the eldest. Rhonda and I don't look anything alike. Mom maintains that we have the same eye shape but basically I think Rhonda takes after the Carneys (Mom's side) and I take after the Millers (Dad's side). She's always been a tiny little thing and I'm the more... robust model. She won a cutest baby contest - I only came in 1st runner up (different contests, different years.) I look young for my age, but Rhonda still gets asked if her parents are home by salesmen who come to her house. (She has two children of her own!) Growing up, Rhonda and I fought like crazy. Being only 18 months apart can do that. Plus she had a pretty serious temper when she was little... Rhonda is how I learned to remain calm... because nothing drove her crazier than for her to be spittin' mad and for me to just be looking at her with no emotion. It probably didn't help that I was always stronger than her, too, so I could just wrap my arms around her and hold her still. Rhonda is also the reason I can sing in with the guy in most songs. She would yell at me if I didn't sing the song the way it was "supposed" to be- heck she's probably the reason I'm such a mimic, too. When Rhonda is startled she makes a high pitched squeal, and so I nick-named her Squeaker. (Yes, I was very creative and witty, I know) I loved to cause this. When we would clean our rooms I would pick up a bag or a purse or something and start talking to her, and then casually look down into the bag and then yell as if there was something (mouse, spider, whatever) inside and throw it at her... she was scared every single time. Or if I was cleaning  my contacts I would use my cleaning solution bottle as a squirt gun when she walked past. I pretty much took tormenting as a full time occupation. Don't you worry, she gave it back as well, she just never gave me a nickname... unless "idjit" counts. Today our lives are pretty much nothing alike, and we live 5 hours apart, but we both know that the other one is always gonna be there when we need them. We are pretty similar in how we think and make a fearsome Taboo team (did I mention that Rhonda is the only person I know who loves games as much as I do? Actually I think she loves them more.) I'm so incredibly glad to have a sister, to have someone who is so similar but so different from me and knows me so well. I feel very strongly that I need to have more than one child when that time comes because I know how much of a blessing my sister is to me. Story time!

When I was in HS and Rhonda was in Jr. High we rode the bus. I was 18 before I got my license, but I think I wasn't old enough to have it at this particular time anyway. One day mom had work at 3:30 AM (She works in the kitchen of a nursing home/hospital.)  Dad had to go in early, too for some reason, so he made sure that we were up and then left. We got ready to go and then went out to catch the bus. Something of import is that our house has a semi-long driveway, and you can't see the bus coming until you (or it) are at the end of it. Usually in the winter we would sit inside and wait for the bus, because it gets awfully cold at the end of the driveway at 7 in the morning. This day either we were running late and didn't know it or the bus was running early- either way we missed it. We went outside eventually and waited and waited, but the bus never showed up, so finally we gave up...I didn't know what to do. I felt like it was all my fault and I don't like being in trouble. Especially when I didn't mean to do something wrong. So outside in the cold, waiting and giving up on the bus I started crying. I know, what a big 15 year old baby! (I was totally a goody-two shoes growing up.) There was no way to fix this. Our parents were gone and thus the cars were gone, so we had to stay home. I was so upset and silently dreading calling my mom and telling her, crying as we walked into the house and then Rhonda in all her 14 year old glory went and picked up the phone and called Mom to let her know what happened either of us saying a word to the other. I don't think Mom was really all that mad, and I was able to calm down and eventually enjoy our impromptu free day, but I still remember how grateful I was to Rhonda for making that call so I didn't have to.
  She's pretty much the best sister I know.... and she makes cute babies, too.

November 1st- Nathan

I suppose it is a bit cliche to use my husband as the first person I'm grateful for, but it's true. There have been several times when we weren't sure what the future was going to hold for us... especially in the last year, and I don't think I will ever stop being grateful for every day that I see his handsome mug. Cancer and it's possible outcomes are not something that anyone should ever have to face... especially at 24 years old, but those who do, know how daunting just living out each day can seem, and how unspeakably glad you are to see progress and hope. And Nathan has soldiered on with such strength and endurance and a smile (though I know that sometimes he could only have been smiling with his outside). And when it comes right down to it, what concerns him the most is not his health- but me. He wants to make sure I'm ok. He wants to protect me. He wants to comfort and take care of me. I don't know that I have done anything to deserve that kind of love, but I sincerely hope I can live up to it. I didn't date in high school. Heck, I didn't really even date in college.... I just fell head over heels for my first real boyfriend and never looked back. I don't think I made a mistake, though. I mean any guy who will write you a haiku for every hour of your anniversary is pretty darn special... especially when he actually writes you 25 because he knows you will be bummed out at midnight the day after your anniversary.

There is so little I can actually do to help Nathan when he is hurt or not feeling well, but I do all that I can, and long to take some of it away. I miss pre-cancer, but I wouldn't give him up for anything. I don't know anyone else who laughs as hard at my jokes or thinks I'm as adorable or appreciates me just as I am. I don't even know what story to tell because there are so many. I guess I will tell the story of when I realized that Nathan was someone special... I apologize if you've heard this story umpteen times, I think it's one of my favorites, and appropriately it happened on Thanksgiving. I'm not really sure if this took place on Thanksgiving of 2003 or 2004 (I think 2004 but I can't guarantee it)- regardless we were living in Scholars. I worked the front desk the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving so I didn't leave for home until Wednesday morning. Unfortunately, I had really really bad luck with cars in college and I got to Lebanon and then my car broke down. It broke down so hard the mechanic told me I would be better off buying a new car rather than getting this one fixed. So I was stranded in Lebanon, and used AAA to tow myself and my car back to Springfield. Obviously, I was devastated by not being able to go home for Thanksgiving, and I didn't know what to do. After going to my room and crying for a while I decided to see if anyone was still in the dorm. It was mainly deserted but I knew that Nathan's plans meant that he was still around. I went down to his room and knocked and his suite mate was still there. We chatted for a few seconds and then Nathan came out of his room, where he'd been sleeping. He saw me and looked really confused and asked me why I was still there....and I gave a really fast answer and bolted from their room cause I was about to start crying. He followed me and gave me a hug and told me that I was going to come to his family's Thanksgiving and that I shouldn't even try to argue, because there was no use. He was going to call his mom, right now, and let her know. So I went and though I missed my family, his family was very sweet to me and so welcoming to an unexpected stranger who was crashing their event. I had a great time and never felt like an outsider or unwelcome in the slightest. That Thanksgiving went from the worst one ever to my fondest Thanksgiving memory, because of one man. How could I not be grateful for him? And the next year (or maybe the one after?) I came back as his girlfriend, then as his fiance, and then as his wife. How's that for a romantic comedy montage?

The People Project

I've got an ambitious new project for November. November is known for 2 things: Thanksgiving and writing.... oh you didn't know? Well, November is National Novel writing month. Also, one of those facebook theme/dares for the past few years is to post something that you are thankful for each day. Last year a friend of mine took it a step further and wrote each day about a person he is thankful for. I thought that was really nice and I enjoyed reading about the person that he chose each day. So I decided to blatantly rip him off (thanks Rob!). Each day in November I'm going to highlight a different person or persons... There are only 30 days and I'm thankful for way more than thirty persons, so sometimes people will have to share days. They will not be given in any sort of order, and just because someone shares a day doesn't mean that I don't think they are any less important. I just want to share memories of people and highlight how grateful I am for the people I've come across in life.... so without further ado...

In which I discuss cancer paranoia and brownie battles

I know, I know. It's been a while. In my defense, I have had a pretty intense few weeks... including a nearly spontaneous trip to St. Louis, yesterday. (that we are hoping we do not have to repeat next week at some point...) You see, Nathan was in a wedding... was it just last week? He'd hurt his back on Wed of that week and then at the wedding he did something to his hip and then to top that all off because his platelets have finally started coming back up his "gut" GVH has decided to flare back up. So basically I've been totally stressin' for nearly 2 weeks. I'm trying to keep it under control, but post-cancer any little health thing (of his) brings with it a load of anxiety.

Sometimes I get paranoid. It's a special kind of paranoia- cancer paranoia. I think that people are sick of hearing about cancer... obviously not close friends and family, but the rest of the world... you know the people whose lives are only alongside and not intertwined with ours? They don't live with it... they don't see it, and I think that sometimes in their head they say, "Seriously? You guys are still milking that?"  I just get so afraid that people will think that we are trying to abuse the "cancer card." It probably sounds silly to ya'll, and I can hear Kara in my head right now saying, "Forget them! If they think that they are jerks." ... only she'd probably be a lot wittier about it. Maybe I'm too wrapped up in what other people think... ok I probably am. But it bothers me to think that after everything we've been through in the past year that people might think we are using it to our advantage...Maybe no one is thinking it... maybe it is true paranoia. There is no way to tell, cause it's not like people are just gonna up and tell you when they think something like that.

Recently a girl in heels complained about her feet hurting to Nathan when I was standing nearby. He grimaced and said, "Yeah, I know. Mine are killing me, too." She then threw her up her hand and turned away while saying, "Don't even complain about it to me." I was seething (at this point both his back and hip were injured and he was not in shoes that are good for his diabetes feet issues). I just barely held in some really mean remarks including, "Did you get to choose your footwear? Because he's recovering from cancer and a bone marrow transplant. You don't choose that, so how bout you not complain to him?"  I know I'm protective, but I was so livid. Then a few days later I started thinking about it. This girl doesn't know Nathan. She has no idea what has happened to us in the past year, and would probably be mortified if we told her. She was just reacting the way that most girls react when guys aren't sympathetic about heels. Granted, maybe she should have been nicer as Nathan was trying to be sympathetic, but here's the thing. Nathan doesn't look obviously sick anymore. He looks like he's on steroids, but only health professionals and those intimately acquainted with a body's reaction to steroids would know that. He has hair enough to be cut these days, and he still has his ready smile. If people just look at him without knowing the day to day he looks normal... and it breaks my heart to think that people who do know our story might just see that outer layer and think that he's just working any sort of sympathy angle. It's better. *So much better* than it used to be... but it's still a struggle. There are still nights when he only sleeps a few hours, there are still days when just getting to and from the apt is about all he can do. He's still a brave brave soldier slogging through the everyday. The world doesn't have a frame of reference for slow recovery. You can't even have a temporary handicap parking pass in MO for more than 1 year. We are getting back in sync with the dance but we are still a quarter step out of rhythm, and I keep feeling like I'm getting dirty looks from other people on the dance floor when I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to be kind and gracious and assume the best. I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this after living through cancer.... surely not.

And this ladies and gents is what happens when an extrovert gets stressed out and becomes an introvert. Paranoia and massive amounts of emo-ness. I need to go see a movie or something.

Let's move on, shall we? I have decided that I want to learn what brownie mix is the best. This may come as a shock to most people but growing up we never made brownies from a mix. We have a family recipe discovered by my Aunt Debbie (and possibly on a box of Little Debbie cakes??). Regardless we call them "Debbie's Brownies" and I grew up making them and thus nearly have the recipe memorized. It's only been in the past few years that I've made any box mixes but the convenience cannot be denied, and so I have decided to embark on a quest to decide which is the best. I have no brand loyalties or subconscious leanings from my childhood to rely on, so the only way I can tell is to just make them. The problems with this are two fold. 1) I have no tastebud memory bank to store subtle brownie intonations in and so cannot give a decent comparison unless I have two brownies side by side. 1.5) the lack of a tastebud memory bank has caused me to seriously use the word "intonations" when discussing brownies,  and 2) I do *NOT* need to eat two full pans of brownies, ever. Thus I have come up with a plan- for every potlucky event I attend, I'm going to attempt to make 2 batches of brownies.  (You see you can pile brownies on 2 paper plates and people never know that you ate the first row in a brownie experiment!) Slowly and surely I will make my way through the brownie catalog until I come up with a winner and then I will compare it to Debbie's Brownies. I fully expect Debbie's Brownies to win, but at least then I will know exactly how much taste I am trading for time. I will only use "straight" brownies for this competition. Caramel or peanut butter or (heaven forbid!) cheesecake would only wildly skew the results and cause disagreement among the voting judges (aka Nathan and myself.) Sides, that would need to be a whole other brownie battle. Also I need to buy a second cake pan because while I enjoyed the ease of removing the parchment paper from my pan and being able to immediately reuse it (Thanks Alton Brown!) it would be a heck of a lot easier to bake the brownies at the same time... helps control the variables.

Also, God Bless, parchment paper. It is possibly one of the greatest cooking luxuries of the 21st century!

... are we in the 22nd century now? No, it's not the 22nd until 2100, right?

Millenniums/centuries are weird.

... and a pain to spell. Thanks spell check!

"Kurt! That's the one I left out. God bless Kurt!" - Name that movie!

Anywho, thus far I've made Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker. Betty is the winner by a good deal... which is interesting considering I'm pretty sure that she was also cheaper.

Today I tried (and was shocked by) Starbucks Via Iced Coffee. All I needed was a Starbucks glass and some actual ice and I wouldn't have known it wasn't the real thing. I had to add some milk, as I can't handle my coffee black, but it was very impressive... and cheap, comparatively- 5.95 for 5 packets which each make 16 oz (aka a bottle of water's worth). That is a lot, you might say, but when you take into account that I willingly spend 3.50 per frappuccino (sp? spell check can't help me now!), suddenly it seems like an awesome deal! 5 for the price of not quite 2! I'm a believer.

I think I'll end there... but I have one last question for you... is it pathetic or just weird that 5 of my 45 "labels" are edible?

Baby Blog Post (as in a blog post that is small, not one devoted to the subject of babies)

I find myself wanting to watch wintery movies, even though it's not even Halloween yet.... I'd want to watch autumn movies but so many of them are so depressing! Seriously, the first two I can think of that aren't Halloween or T-giving movies are Autumn in NewYork & Stepmom. And I'm never going to watch those movies ever ever ever again. Oh yeah, then there is Sweet November (another cancer movie) and Dead Poets Society... Seriously it's not a fall movie unless there it's about a holiday or there is a death. Boooooooo. Symbolism needs to get shot in the foot. Ugh. I'm bumming myself out. Add to that, the fact that Glee is a repeat tonight and I think I need to go do some laundry, make some brownies, watch Gilmore Girls and make some Halloween costumes.... Or maybe Bridget Jones...I know Kara is next door... I can hear her. (She is the one who owns BJ.) Bridget Jones isn't depressing- there are turkey curry buffets and reindeer jumpers!.... ooooh or Polly... everyone (should) loves Polly!

... the cat came back, the very second day.

Well, it wasn't very long lived... 2 things happened. 1)Nathan started playing KH: BBS and 2) He hurt his back, today. This means he is, as I write, passing me up in levels and going to be beating my time logged in the game in short order.. Oh well, we return to the natural order of our marriage.

I may or may not be watching an ABC Family show called "Kyle XY" on DVD. Ok, you got me, I totally am. It's pretty enjoyable... the writing isn't superb or anything but I really like the actor who plays Kyle. It's hard to play a character who is totally clueless about everything and yet a super genius, but I'm impressed. I think it's his grin. You can tell a lot from a grin. I think when people smile at you it really makes a difference. And this kid's got an uber-grin that he flashes willy nilly around that show. It could melt the heart of a polar bear... if a polar bear had human thoughts, of course and didn't take flashing teeth as a sign of a challenge and maul him. That wouldn't work out so well.

We had a good trip to St. Louis. Dr. Stockerl-Goldstein had a lady (his new fellow...... like the hematology/oncology Dr. kind of fellow, not the male kind of fellow) on rounds with him when he visited with us. When he came in he said that he'd been explaining Nathan's journey to her in the hallway, everything that he's been through, but then he said, "but I told her that when we came in you would still have a smile on your face." The nurses at Cox always commented on Nathan's ready smile, too. Recently someone else (who does not give out compliments very often) told us how much he/she admired the grace in which we'd handled everything. I'm not sure if people know how much comments like those mean to us (especially me). I've never been noted for my physical grace... I'm from the accidentally run into walls and trip over my own feet school of grace. And throughout this whole process I've hardly felt graceful... I've felt more like a bull running down a shoot. Just duck your head and keep moving forward... but to know that people see and really appreciate the fact that I'm still trying to live up to my commitments, that I try not to use cancer as an excuse, and that Nathan and my whole goal is to hold hands as tightly as we can and just keep putting one foot in front of the next. It means so much. The way I'm able to get through this is my faith that there is a Higher Power who cares, and that there is a greater plan than what I can see... That's what I hear when I hear someone talk about our "grace" or Nathan's smile.. I hear them saying they can see God in us... cause that's where it's coming from.

hmmm.... ok so I've been waxing a bit sentimental. I guess I was due... ever since we came back from St. Louis I've been exhausted and cranky.. In fact, earlier today I slept from about 5:15 to 7:40.... and then we went to Starbucks, which is probably why I'm typing a blog post at 12:45 at night when I have to be up to walk at 7:00. However after said nap and Starbucks I'm feeling much better, and thus the pondering of the positive via blog post, I suppose. Suggestions of ridiculous things to ponder are always welcome, by the way.

I feel like since Oct. started life has suddenly sped up to about mach 8. Am I alone in this? My head is spinning right round (like a record, baby, right round, round, round.) Feels like Thanksgiving is gonna be here in about 2 seconds the way things are going. I don't know why this is... perhaps it's the cold? I hear that people in cold climates get things done, because they have to keep warm. Where as people in the tropics have a much slower, easy-going way of life, cause it's too hot to stress...

I hope I never have to live somewhere without seasons... I really like the changes, and constantly looking forward to wearing a new style of clothing... have I already said this? Sometimes I get super paranoid that my blog is just gonna turn into an endless cycle of me repeating myself on like a 3 month rotation and I won't notice... I'll be like those professors that you have for a class in college and think they are the greatest teachers ever and then you take a second class with them and realize that they just use the same jokes and stories in all of their classes.... such disappointment. I don't wanna be a disappointment! Put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play! HA! Only time I have ever (or probably will ever) utter those words. Land mark occasion right here!

...seriously... watch me say that same thing on accident in Jan....

This one's for you, Yawn.

My aunt says she misses my blogs... I'm not sure if she is ok with me mentioning her name on my blog so let's just say she is named after something that you call a morning and it rhymes with Yawn.... as you may be able to tell from my hints I don't think she'll mind. So here ya go, Auntie Dearest! *wave*

See the problem is, I got a new video game... and it's highly addictive. Add this to the fact that Nathan has been on the new desktop a lot to set it up and type his paper (He's done with his coursework, now!! "Just" a thesis to go!) and you get a girl who is slacking in the blogging department.

So I've been walking in the mornings with my dear chum... whose name is kinda like a measure of gold, only without a "t" and rhymes with Sara. This is the third week I've been doing it. The first week we walked every day (Mon-Fri) except for the Wednesday. (It was after Nathan's party and I managed to get a horrible crick in my neck and only got 3 hours of sleep so I had to beg off and catch a few more winks) The second week we walked Mon and Friday, as my pal- Let's call her Miss Molly, had to be out of town and then this week we will walk every day, except tomorrow cause Nathan and I are going to St. Louis. I am proud of Miss Molly and I. It's not Cross Fit by any stretch of the imagination, but it is the most consistent exercise I've done for about a year. I like walking.... mainly because it's exercise I can chit-chat during and at the end I'm not sweaty... I really hate being sweaty. ugh. But you wanna know the kicker? We walk at 7 in the morning. See! You have to admit you are a little more impressed, now. I hate mornings! You see Miss Molly doesn't want to run into a ridiculous about of campus traffic, so we go early to beat the hoards of swarming college students. It's early but at least I don't have to worry about people eavesdropping on our fabulous conversations! I don't know if I've actually lost any weight... I probably should have gotten on a scale/ should get on one... but even in weight loss I lack ambition... Nathan and I have sworn off "The Cup" for 2 weeks... ok, so mainly it was me, and Nathan said, "I don't know if I can promise that." But that was pretty much cause we were spending way too much money there rather for any true dietary concerns.

The last few days have really got me to thinking about everything that we went through last year. There are just so many things that people can't understand unless it happens to them.... There are so many thoughts that you never want to face, so many conversations that no one should ever have to have, and so much miserable stuff that you just slog through... And then you find yourself looking back one day and saying.... 60 days? He was in the hospital for 60 days? And you become super aware of the leaves changing color, because he wasn't here to see them at this time last year. And really excited about Halloween costumes, cause you weren't really interested in them last year, and you tear up the first time he takes out the trash for you...  And you are just so incredibly grateful for every single moment, because while you may not have lived the worst that could happen, you have had to face it.... and boring is such bliss. Now, feel free to go kiss your babies (fun-sized, adult-sized, or pet sized) after my incredibly moving soliloquy. Heck, go kiss a stranger... but only on the cheek like an overzealous 80-year old Irish man in a pub rooting for a sports team... and ask them first... cause I imagine those dudes give wet cheek kisses.

If I Have Multiple Personalities, None of Us Can Stay on Topic.

I made some cupcakes last night. I've been in a very bake-y kinda mood lately. Someone asked me today if I liked to bake and the answer to that is yes, but what I like even more than baking is sharing. This is why I baked so much in college, I think. Cause I had an unending supply of grateful boys who loved cookies. It's not about the eating, it's about the sharing. I found a recipe for the Petite Vanilla Bean Scones like the ones from Starbucks on Pioneer Woman Cooks (where I've been trolling lately for dinner recipes, cause we need to scale back on the eating out.) The scone recipe lead me to look for more "copy cat" recipes for the scones (I like to compare recipes!) Then I got to thinking about Vanilla Beans and how expensive they are here and how there has to be a better deal out there on the internets and then I found a website where you can buy a pound of vanilla beans for 20 dollars. 20 Dollars!?! So I think I'm gonna be making a vanilla purchase sometime soon.

We got a new computer! It came in the mail yesterday, but Nathan, the poor soul, is working on a paper that he is presenting tomorrow, and so he can't open it up and set it up or play with it or anything.. He's pretty bummed, but I'm proud of him for getting done what he needs to get done.

I've decided that I dislike the Myers Briggs test. Now anyone who knows me might find this a surprise, because generally I love personality tests. But here's the problem with ole' MB. The only letter that I am consistently is F(Feeler). Pretty much every other letter can flip flop from one to the other like no one's business. And not within the span of years. I took two different MB tests the other day and got answers that that were different. This was in the course of an hour. I'm sometimes an introvert, sometimes not. (I like to say I'm a shy extrovert, so I want to hang out with people all the time, but it's a little hard to get to know me cause I'm so awkward and make such a bad first impression) I come out in the middle on the "sensing/intuiting" continuum and the "perceiving/judging" spectrum as well. But does Myers Briggs make me feel good that I'm a well-rounded individual? NO! I feel bad cause I can't get a single description that I feel speaks about me. I mean I can pick and choose a paragraph here and there and cobble together something that I can pretend is supposed to be all one description, but I had better luck with the "What type of dog are you" quiz. (I'm a Golden Retriever, by the way). It's just wrong that a test I answer 50 questions on can give me the same amount of accuracy as my zodiac symbol description. (Yes, I am fiercely loyal, thank you!) And yet maybe it's because I don't know myself that well... I wonder what would happen if Nathan took both tests "for" me in an hour... maybe they would be the same, then. Oooooor maybe I have multiple personalities, and I never knew it... or maybe you have multiple personalities!

....

Sorry, got a little carried away with my own little weird tirade there. Anyway, suffice it to say, I'm not amused by Messieurs Mademoiselles Myers and Briggs and their inability to tell me what I'm like.

Sometimes I worry that I make too long of blog posts, but then I think that I'm not forcing anyone to read them, so if people think they are too long they can just stop reading.

I have decided that even more than the owl I like peacocks. However the caveat to this must be- only in non-real form. While I wouldn't love having a real owl around, real peacocks are a pain to keep around and they make pretty disturbing noises. (Some sound like a woman's scream.) But peacocks in jewelry, animation, and cake are all fabulous, and even their feathers are pretty. Some day maybe I'll have a peacock room just like Elvis... and hopefully I can have his 15 ft long couch, too.

If I ever win a million dollars and buy a house I think I would pay to have Mike Holmes come out and inspect it. I bet Mike backs up his inspections with a 10 year make-it-right guarantee... on second thought can I just have him build me a home to begin with? Ya think he'd build a new Victorian?

ok new thought. Why don't they make theme songs the way they used to? Seriously- "Cheers," "Who's the Boss," "The Golden Girls," "The Wonder Years," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," even "The Dukes of Hazard" and "Welcome Back, Kotter" Those were *theme* songs! They let you know what the show was about... now we have about 4 seconds of lyric-less music and we are off to the races. I don't know about you but I wish there was something more to the harmonized shout of  "Glee!" to start the show... And even when there is a song it's not one that was written for it (ala Gilmore Girls and Carol(e?) King) I just wanna know why theme songs died. I blame "Touched by an Angel" ...and that creeper clown. You know he's out there, up to no good.

Who Doesn't Love a Plaid Fedora?

Guess what.

I found a hat.

It's a knit hat... actually cable knit like a sweater and it has a little hat brim. I'm thrilled. I still can't wear any of the cute non-stretchy hats or berets and I'm still mad at Target's hat section for that mean commercial. But I can wear this hat! Basically it looks like this- only cream. See how "tall" it looks in the picture? That makes it look normal on my Gi-cranium. Now if only they would make a plaid fedora in size XL Noggin. Cause really who doesn't love a plaid fedora?

I just watched the Glee from last week that I missed because of Nathan's party... I like it so much better when the kids aren't re-enacting music videos... though I have to say Heather Morris can *dance.*  While we are on the subject of Glee, the new guy's mouth (Chord Overstreet) really is shockingly big.

When I was in highschool we learned about the proportions of the human face. The corner of a normal person's mouth lines up with the center of their eye (their pupil when they are looking straight on)... basically a normal human face reflects the golden rectangle and the closer you are to the golden ratio the more attractive people find you. Now look at this picture of our friend Chord.The corner of his mouth lines up with the outside of his eye!This makes me wonder if he has extra teeth or if he had a difficult time finding retainers to wear. Sure the other side looks more normal but that's either a trick of perspective or he's got a lopsided mouth... yikes. I feel for him. Us oversized-facial-characteristic people have to stick together. I'm sure he's glad to know I'm on his side... me and a million swooning pre-teens. Yep, I'm sure it's a weight off his mind. In other news, I love the name Chord.... course I'm also the girl who wants to name a child Lyric... or Aria... I don't understand why Melody is the only normally accepted musical name. I mean I get why you don't want to name your kid Drumstick or Accordion, but there are lots of pretty/cool musical names out there.

Do you ever have to give up being cute? See, cute is kinda my schtick, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it, but looking at myself from an outsider's perspective it seems like adorable is something I'm gonna have to give up once I'm past my 20's. I think I can reclaim it at like 70. But I like being cute. It means I can be slightly eccentric and still get away with it. Cute doesn't require constant maintenance like stunning does. It's a wash and wear attribute and it's endearing. I want to always be endearing. I want you to like me. I do! I do! People like babies... you know why? They are cute. Puppies, kittens, colts... all beloved. All cute. All of America's sweethearts- Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon. Cute, cute, cutie cute. If I have to give it up in a few years I'll just be lost... But I can't be cute, if cute on a 30 year old is actually ridiculously annoying and grating. That just won't do at all.

I Blame the Creeper Clown

This week I painted with oils for the first time since High school... The only thing I remembered about oils in HS was that they were ridiculously difficult to clean up after and they took a long time to dry. So I made a painting (Techinically this was a painting I promised for my aunt last Christmas and never got the chance to do) and I like it, but I realized something... I like to paint fast. I don't like to spend hours and hours getting things right, and while I appreciate the transparency that oil can bring, the long dry time and extra mess factor just aren't worth it. But that's ok... maybe I'll have a oil, "blue period" someday and be really glad I have those paints around.

Nathan and I have decided on costumes and ordered a pattern for his. I can't tell you what the costumes are because I have enough of a theatre background that I think your character should remain a secret, but I'm quite excited... It's gonna be ambitious and there is a chance of failure, so I gotta get cracking on them now so just in case I can't pull it off, I will have time to re-imagine. And when I say "now" I mean after this weekend. Sorry to fill you with curiosity, but I had to say something!

Nathan's parents are coming up tomorrow to visit. It's a short trip because they need recouping time before heading into the work trenches on Mon, so they are gonna head out Sat. evening. But I think it will be fun. We are gonna do a corn maze! I have loved Corn mazes since I came to college and Nathan is the same...  It's odd that I left a place so rural only to discover corn mazes in the "big city." But I suppose it makes sense. Corn mazes aren't very practical... They tear up your field and you don't get your whole crop... But if you can get a bunch of people to come out, then it makes a lot more sense... I don't know that you could draw a big enough crowd to make up for the losses back home.

I've been kinda blubbery today. Nathan told me about a friend of a professor who has been praying for us since last year and I teared up. I saw a website today with a bunch of weekly pictures of a pregnant lady and notes to the baby from the father, and I shed a few tears, and then I watched Project Runway and the contestants' moms came to visit (and son, in one case) and I seriously went through 4 or 5 Kleenex. I mean yes the contestants were crying, but I don't know their moms! There is something about seeing other people cry that just gets me choked up... that and sympathy. I can be super strong and not shed a tear on my own but if someone looks at me with that face,

You know, This face... only without the hobo clown make-up that creeps it up.... or that other creeper clown who is staring at me as I type this caption...

 or says something to demonstrate that they understand... it's my undoing. Or talking to my family... If something happens and I have to talk to my mom or my sister about it I'm pretty much a basketcase for at least an hour or so afterward. Seriously. There were a couple of times last year when I made Nathan call my mom cause I just couldn't handle breaking down. Have I mentioned how my husband pretty much deserves sainthood? ...Except I sincerely hope to never see his image in toast, tea leaves, bread or any other edible.

 Seriously. You are Catholic and starving cause you missed lunch, and you use up the last of your bread and cheese to make a sandwich, and just as you sit down to a steaming grilled cheese you see the image of the Virgin Mary looking up from the golden brown center of your delectable toasty, melty, scrumdidliumptious sammich. What do you DO?!?

That's a problem I never want to face.

I went back and looked at that clown picture again.. and I can't get over creeper clown. He looks like someone you'd see looking in your window in a Halloween Horror film. And then the other two clowns that are in the background of the top of the picture... the one on the right looks like he is laughing about his evil plot to take over the world and the other one looks like he's hungry.. but that might be because it also looks like he has a window in his stomach and that can't be good for digestion. I think it's the white face paint... white face paint only looks good on Geishas... and even then it's still mildly creepy.

Ach, the things that Thursday nights bring you to ponder are things like no other night brings.

One Year

Today marks the first year of Nathan's fight against cancer, and today we got a call that not only is he 100% leukemia free, but he is also 100% donor cells and thus far there is no sign of mutation in the chromosomes that can cause leukemia. Now obviously things can change and "cure" isn't until 5 years after bone marrow transplant, but right now we are sitting in pretty much the best place that you can in regards to the cancer. We are still dealing with small symptoms of graft versus host, low platelets, and of course steroid side effects, but all of that pales in comparison with the fact that one year ago today I was facing my biggest fear and today Nathan is walking and climbing stairs and talking about work and school instead laying in a hospital bed talking about blood counts, chemotherapy, and anti-nausea medicine.

I can't even describe what this year has been like. I tried earlier today and all I could come up with was "unh." I'm not much of a introspect-er... but I can tell you what has gotten me through all of this. 1) Trusting that God can make it right, somehow. 2) Only dealing with the moment as it comes- theatre training, that one's for you! 3) An incredible husband who would still smile and tell me he loved me when going through the worst stuff the medical field can throw at ya. 4) A fantastic network of family and friends with large amounts of grace, love, and patience.

All last year I would say, "But a year from now, things will be better." "In a year from now, we won't have to deal with this." "It's ok, babe, this is just our lost year. Next year we will pick back up where we left off." And it's so wonderful to hit the year mark and be, for most intents and purposes, correct. We are still dealing with some stuff that we didn't have in the beginning, so I think in a year from now we will be mostly- if not totally- past that, too. And someday this is all going to be a surreal memory that we can't believe happened to us. But right now, we are picking up where we left off.... physically weaker- for the moment, but stronger in all the places where it matters. Faith, hope, and love.

I don't like dwelling because it just makes me sad and I attempt to write a blog that is enjoyable. (No, I don't believe that reading sad things is enjoyable.. and I hate dystopias. *gasp* I know. I don't like peanut butter and chocolate, either. I'm a veritable heathen. Ya know, it's ok though. Some people are squirrel handed and no two people are not on fire....Here's the link if I just made you blink a few times and re-read that last sentence.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I don't want to focus on everything that made this the hardest year of my life. What I want to focus on is family, friends, weddings, Halloween costumes (I told you I love them that much), rainbows, baby shoes, romantic comedies, books, games, amusement parks, and waking up next to an amazing man whom I love with all my heart. Even if I had to repeat the whole year, another 70 times over, that last one would be worth it.

Ima Dork

Am I the only one who, when in the bathroom, will talk to myself in the mirror? I only do this when the door is closed and in a very quiet voice. Usually I give myself ultimatums or rant about something. "Give yourself ultimatums?" you ask. Yeah, it usually goes something like this.
While applying makeup, I lean over the sink, and make a face and say to myself,  "You. You need to stop it, Renée. If you put on another coat of mascara you are gonna look like a Sesame Street Muppet. You don't need felt eyelashes. This has got to stop."

OK, so it's never been about mascara, but I just got a new kind that I haven't broken into, yet, so I've got mascara on the brain. But it was a great for instance, and that is the level of inane-ness that I act out in private.

Ima Dork

I used to love those Family Circus cartoons that had the kids blaming ghost-like gremlins for misdeeds and the characters were named things like "Ida Know" and "Not Me"

Thanks Bil Keane. Yes Bil only has one l at the end of his first name. I looked him up.

The problem with blogging all the time is that you begin to think you've run out of things to say. I guess it's good to sit down anyway, though, cause I always manage to think of something... For example I've always called the above comic "The Family Circle" but when I wikipedia'd it, I discovered that it's name is actually "The Family Circus." However, back in 1960 when it was first released it *was* called "The Family Circle" but had to change it's name within 6 months because "The Family Circle" magazine was throwing a tizzy. Now, why have I been calling it an old name that it has never been in my lifetime? Is it just cause it is often in a circle? But I normally only saw it in the Sunday Paper when it's more in a strip format. Is it cause I'm too lazy to read the whole name, so I never make it to the "us?" Is it because I'm a comic strip psychic?? What a lame super-power. That's right! Criminals beware! It is I, Original Name Girl!

Nathan and I saw this adorable little boy (around age 3?) at a restaurant the other day. He got a (fabric) napkin off his plate and tried to throw it over his head, while still holding onto 2 corners of it. Then he got frustrated and kept throwing it over his head and going, "Unh! Unh!" until his mom looked up and said, "Mason, that's not going to work, honey, that's not a cape."
And then his Grandmother piped up and said, "Sweetie, your cape is in the car."

His cape was in the car.

I want to have children just so a cape can be a normal fashion accessory. Seriously. I know capes aren't very good at actually keeping a person warm, but they look so cool... and you can wear long sleeves under a cape... and they don't have to be made out a spandex lycra blend. It's just such a bummer that the only time I can wear a cape with a minimum of weird looks in during Halloween. We should bring them back into style, you guys. Who's with me?! If Snuggies, Chia Pets, and Pet Rocks can all be fads, why can't capes come back? We just gotta believe...and start wearing capes.

Que Triste!

Things that are muy triste, hoy:

• Facebook is was is was down.
• Nathan is sleeping in the living room, so I can't play Mario. 
• I kinda forgot about Mario so I haven't played it in about a week and a half. Mario es muy triste, I'm sure.
• I cut half of the Event cards at work this afternoon before realizing I hadn't printed their backs, so I worked late.
• I only remember 15 Spanish words and the numbers through 10 from high school. That's not even enough to fill up an episode of Blue's Clues. And I *never* grasped Spanish syntax.

And that's pretty much all the muy triste news that is news...

In other words, it's been a pretty good day.

No Leukemia!

I wanted to entitle this post "A Haunting in Missouri" but was afraid people would click on it to actually read about a haunting, and then would get mad at me cause it's not about a haunting... but I'm sure I don't care too much about what people think... noooo, not at all.

Well I have great news. We got the results back from the crazy long day last Tuesday and Nathan is still 100% leukemia-free. Now we have planned a party to celebrate Sept 28. It is called "One Year of Kicking Cancer in the FACE" Party. Not that we in any way feel strongly about it.... :) You can come if you are in Spring-town on the 28! I have to admit, I didn't want to make any solid plans until we heard back from the biopsy results. Perhaps it's a little superstitious, but I'm just so aware of how quickly and easily the rug can get pulled out from under you, and it hurts to have your heart set on one thing and to not be able to do it. It's so hard to believe it's been a year... and I can't believe it's only been a year. Time ceased making any kind of sense a while back.  But it's slowly making it's way back... I can see bits of "normal" here and there. Nathan takes out the trash sometimes, and sometimes he gets me a drink, and I see the "I feel like crap but I'm putting on a brave face" face a lot less. (Granted they did just lower his prednisone dosage, so this has been a bit of a rougher week.) Having that port out... it means a lot to the both of us.... I think I'm nearly as excited as he is that he can now reach above his head with his right arm. Being able to just hop in the shower... You just don't know what it's like until you can't... I don't even know what it's like, I just have an idea. There are just lots and lots of little things that I'm treasuring in my heart everyday.

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy fall as much as I can, as I missed it last year. I'm contemplating Pumpkin Harvest Cupcakes from "The Cup" (pumpkin cake and cinnamon butter cream....mmmmmmm). I'm admiring Nathan's newest fashion love (a dark brown jacket we got him last weekend). I'm planning a Corn Maze Trip for some point in the next month or so. I'm ready to see those leaves turn colors and to feel the bite in the air. Perhaps I will even begin thinking of fabulous costume ideas soon. You know how I love a good costume... well, perhaps you don't, but let me tell you. I *LOVE* costumes. Seriously. Things I love in life: Nathan, family and friends, costumes, reading, and rainbows. That pretty much sums it all up. One of the reasons I'm excited to have kids is all of the adorable costumes I can create... Plus then we can do FAMILY costumes! (I would like to reiterate how perfect my husband is for me. It's so nice that he loves me enough to let me dress him up every year.)

Last year on Halloween my aunt, Dawn, was visiting and we were in the hospital and we got on the elevator and there was a nurse dressed up in the old school nursing outfit... Like all white, hair bun, pointy hat with a red cross on it. old school... I wanted to ask if she was in costume or if that was normal attire, but I didn't want to insult her, like if she was about to get pinned (I think that's what they call it when you become an official nurse) and was paying homage to the long and venerable history of nursing. But seriously how great would it have been if she wasn't a nurse and just worked in billing or something... Anyway, Dawn  was having all the same thoughts as I was, so we couldn't look at each other as we rode the elevator and as soon as we got off and the doors closed we started talking about it... we decided we much preferred to think that she was not in fact a nurse... But the truth is still a mystery... was it a costume, a nod to tradition, or a time warp inside that elevator... it haunts me, still.

Today, I bought toilet paper just because it was Susan G Komen for the Cure, toilet paper. I figure there are worse reasons to buy things. And there were no stupid bears on the package. Then I bought Kleenexes in boxes that weren't those horrendous marble-y designs that they haven't changed for 10 years. And then I bought "marble loaf cake" and thought of you, Amber. So to sum up: Curing cancer is a good advertising slogan, and marblelization belongs in cake, not tissue box design.

Ok I guess I'm not really that haunted.

P.S. Gleeee! *squeal* *Muppet panic* *run into glass door and knock myself out* *wake up* *stand up and furtively look around* *fix hair and act like I meant to do that, while hoping no one noticed*

This blog post has been brought to you by the letters T and V!

I think blogging is addictive. The more often you write, the more often you want to write. Even when you don't have that much to say. Like tonight.

Does anyone have any requests for crafty things? I need a reason to watch more Gilmore Girls. Gilmore Girls is the perfect crafting accompaniment, cause you don't have to be watching the screen in order to enjoy it. I saw a couple of seasons of GG in Walmart the other day for 15 dollars... I was a little sad at how much money I could have saved if I would have just waited... but there was no way I could have waited this long to own them all... I would have splurged and bought the really fancy box set of the whole series if I hadn't been snatching them up one at a time... oh well, maybe someday I'll buy all the seasons of "How I Met Your Mother" for 15 dollars a piece.... but then I have to wonder... if I can wait until a show only costs 15 dollars before I'm willing to buy it, do I really even want it at all?

Ya know, I love reality television. I like (some of) the horrible VH1 dating shows and I like pretty much all of Bravo's reality line up (except a few Housewives), but I have to say. I do not understand the appeal of reality TV on DVD. First of all, so much reality tv is based on competition and once you know who wins, it's a lot less interesting. And of the stuff that isn't, most of the appeal is in the crazy things people say/do... and that sort of sensationalism stops being sensational with repeat exposure. Though it's still great fun to quote,  "Matriarch to Ma..tri...arch." The only exception to this rule might be "The Mole." (The show where one of the contestants is a saboteur and you don't find out till the end who it is. That might be fun to watch twice... but probably only twice.) Reality TV is the soda pop of television. You leave it sitting out too long or open the bottle too often and it loses all it's fizz.

Did you know that "Glee" comes back on Tuesday?? I'm thrilled. Now I just need to save my pennies to buy the first season on DVD... yeah, I'm so not waiting for that one to go down to 15 dollars.

... Sorry, I told you I didn't have much to discuss. Seen any good movies, lately?

Semi Random Thoughts by Anae Duuuh.

My sister has a blog, too, now! You can check it out here. She explains what I vaguely referenced last Saturday.

Have I fully explained how much I love a TV show called "Gilmore Girls?" Cause I love it. I just watched several episodes, concluding the 3rd season, and I love it.  Love love love. There is something about witty banter that I just can't get enough of. It is an aspect in which I am totally and completely girly. Unlike earlier tonight when I chided someone for not knowing exactly and immediately who Carrie Fisher is and then realized that while my husband may consider himself quite lucky that he got a girl who is aware of her Star Wars, only guys should rib their buddies if they aren't up on their SW knowledge. I'm so gauche.... and geeky... I'm a gauche geek....

and suddenly I wonder if there are any other kinds.

So I want to lose weight and not change anything about my current lifestyle. When someone figures out how to do that will you let me know? I have a sneaking suspicion most plans would not let me have pie for breakfast and after having taken 27 years to discover this wonder, I'm not quite sure I can give it up just yet.

On a related note, I have concluded that there is not a food in the world that everyone can agree is good for you. I have not actually done any research but I hear a lot of different people talking about food at different times and they all seem to disagree on what is good or bad. Milk is good for you- no it's bad. Meat is bad for you- no it's good. Iceberg lettuce is a great option- oh actually, it has no nutritional value- but it does have phytochemicals (sp?) so it's actually good for you. Ok, so I've never heard anyone badmouth kale... but I still think dieters are the bravest people I know, because how the heck do you know what you should or shouldn't eat... diets are the old wives tales of a new millennium. *Please note I do not think diets or dieters are wrong or bad, just highly contradictory.

Something else that I was pondering today-- and please note this has some obvious exceptions... I only mean it as a general trend. Ok, disclaimer finished. I think that my generation might feel about fixing things like cars and houses and practical knowledge like my parents (or possibly my grandparents generation) feel about computers. For example, when my Dad goes to fix something he has a skill set to draw on... but where did he get this skill set? Pretty much from jumping in and tinkering about till it worked. He might have had some coaching or instruction along the way but mainly he just wasn't afraid to make a mistake. This is what my generation does with computers... we just jump in and aren't afraid to screw up cause we know we can always undo it.... But cars and electrical wiring and plumbing? That stuff is expensive and scary. That requires professionals. People who are trained. I used to say that my grandma was afraid that if she pushed the wrong button on the computer it might explode, and that was why she didn't use it... but I'm not that different. Cars can explode... or crash.... or make funny clunking noises and not run. It's all the same fears just recycling themselves in new ways. Kinda like fashion. Did ya hear? The 80's are back and they brought their love of neon, their slap bracelets, and yes, even their acid washed jeans.... but if the shoulder pads ever return I'm making a break for it.... but not in a linebacker kind of way.

When I was little my favorite book was "Are You My Mother?" by P.D Eastman. Apparently it was such a favorite that I decided to read it on a tape that was being sent to my grandparents in PA. I believe this might have been the tape that was played so often it broke. (My grandparents moved to MO when I was 4.... possibly because they could bear to be separated from my adorableness no longer.) Anyway, on this tape I announce the book before I read it as such: " 'Are You My Mudda' by Anae Moohr." Anae Moohr of course being how I pronounced my own name at the ripe old age of 3. I think if I asked my 3 year old self to say my name today it would be Anae Duuuh. Oh and please don't get me a copy of the book- I already have 2. One to read to my children and one to keep in pristine condition- but I appreciate your generous heart.

As I re-read this to edit I realize that I use a lot of disclaimers... but it's just cause I don't want you to think I'm judging you... I'm not. Who am I to judge? I eat pie for breakfast and call cars "necessary death traps."

The Theory of Equivalency and other matters

People ask Nathan how he is doing all the time... and some really nice people then turn to me and ask me how I'm doing and I never quite know what to say to them.... Because I pretty much am as Nathan is... I don't know if it's because of cancer, codependency, or the theory of equivalency. Which is a theory I just made up which states: a spouse must remain within a two degree radius of emotion from their spouse, unless one of them is crying. In the event of tears on the behalf of one party, the party of the second party will either leap to the role of comforter or become "emotionless," depending on the amount of blame for the cause of said tears the second party is liable for.      ...Yeah, it's probably the cancer.

I'm sure you will all be happy to know that my pie crust did not burn... I think it must have taken so long to cook because it was a deep dish pie. I think I'm gonna take it to a party I'm going to tomorrow... cause I do not need to eat a whole pie and Nathan isn't much help... I've been feeling rather boring lately... perhaps why I've not been writing much... but I'm going to keep soldiering on and you shall either read it or throw this muck in the garbage... but I'm not gonna know... unless you write a comment saying that you threw my muck in the garbage and then I'd doubt you because after all, you took the time to comment about it!

Do you mind getting weird little glimpses of my wonderful relationship with my husband?  Oh good, cause here's another little slice. This kind of thing happens at least 4 times a day... probably more often than that. I see a sign or words somewhere and I read them... Only I read them (to Nathan) like this. (Let's say I see a package of Post-it Notes.) Renée: You're a Post-it Note.  And then Nathan responds, "I'll Post-it your note." Seriously, at least 4 times a day... and random things... "You're a Veterinary Emergency" or "I'll extra strength your Tylenol"  We only do this while alone, though because it can easily sound like a double entendre.. in fact sometimes it goes like this, Me: "You're a blank blank." Him: "I'll blank your.... uhhh, nevermind."

I firmly believe that we were made for each other, and that the best relationships come from being friends with someone first.... but I also admit a large amount of bias.

So someone called the church asking for money to go back to Wyoming and sited his wife having lung cancer and almost being out of her "chemo medication" as part of the reason why they need the money. Now I know that lung cancer and leukemia are very different cancers, but I don't think that chemo is a medication that the doctors would just prescribe to you and then let you gallivant off to Missouri with. In my experience chemo is administered under medical supervision, so basically it sounded a lot like this guy was just trying to fleece the church and using cancer as a sucker punch card. It made me rather angry. This in conjunction with a story that Nathan told me the other day makes me glad that I do not immediately process and respond with my emotions in a given situation... because I think if I did I would say a lot of things that would not be very kind and definitely not Godly. Instead I just ask God to smite them, and know that He will transmute that request with His superior knowledge and grace.

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate a good smiting.

Smite, smite, smite. It's a great word.

Fall- when a young girl's mind turns to thoughts of pie.

Tonight I decided to make a pie. I blame this on my new candle.. It smells of  "Fireside Evening," otherwise known as "fall in wax form." So pie it is-- a pumpkin one, to be precise... and because I really don't like burnt crusts I put foil around the edges...ok, so maybe it looked more like a foil smokestack as I was trying to still be able to pour the filling into the shell without getting it all over the foil.... However either due to said foil, or the fact that it was a "deep dish" pie, it took 2 times as long to bake as it should have. I finally removed the foil and that's when it started baking better... I put the pie in at around 9:30 and just removed it at 11:30.... I'm probably gonna have to deal with some burnt crust after all. Bummer.

Not a bummer: Nathan no longer has tubes coming out of his chest! I was trying really hard to *not* get excited this go round cause last time was so hard. But they got it out... and honestly it was a really good thing that they waited because they had to do a *lot* more than they expected to have to do, and if he hadn't already had platelets it would have been really really bad. They ended up having to slice into his chest around his collarbone to get everything out. It took a long time, and I was a nervous wreck** by the time that he actually came out... But he came out with a super glued wound (It still amazes me that someone thought, "Hey let's put some superglue on this gaping wound!" and then it worked.) and a hole where the tubes came out. No, really, I saw it tonight as I put on a bandage and it still is a hole... Freaky looking... I'm so not cut out for the medical profession. Apparently the nurse told him as they were slicing him open to remember that "Chicks dig scars." He said that since he'd already found his chick he wasn't worried about it one way or the other. Awww.

**Yes, I do get gut feelings that are accurate about 90-95% of the time. Apparently someone in my family had "the sight." And while my Dad is not a believer in the paranormal he does tell stories about uncanny things this grandparent knew. Coincidence?!?! I think . . .  probably. I'm not actually much of a believer in the paranormal either, except to say that God is God, which means that He can and has the power to do any blamed thing He wants.

It's getting back to normal around here... last week was one of the worst weeks of my life. No comparison to *the* worst week but in the running for the number two slot. Several stressful situations at work, including a flood, interspersed with a some really bad news on Friday night, and then on Sunday I woke up dizzy. I didn't feel like the room was spinning, just like I couldn't catch my balance... walking was really interesting, (like I don't run into wall enough, normally!) and I couldn't even stay standing for all of the worship time in church. I ate some salty foods and drank a lot of water (and took a vitamin) but mainly I read that afternoon cause even sitting up was making me dizzy (I normally read laying down on my stomach with a pillow underneath my chest. What can I say, I'm quirky!) Around 4:30 I fell asleep and napped til around 6 and when I woke up the dizziness was mainly gone, and it hasn't reared it's face again, thank goodness.

Yesterday was exhausting.. I didn't fall asleep until midnight-thirty (that's early for me!) and we got up at 5, and drove to St. Louis... well Nathan drove, I mainly slept. And then it was one appt after another. When he came out from his catheter removal we went to "lunch" (it was 2:15) at Applebee's next to the hospital and finally headed out around 3. Then he drove till we got out of crazy traffic and construction and I drove the rest of the way (about 1/2).  We got home, checked internet things, got some food, and watched a little bit of TV, but I went to bed by 11:15 (super early!) then I slept until 8:30, and still managed to take a 3.5 hour nap today. I'm a sleeping machine! I wish sleeping was an Olympic sport because I think I could be a contenda'.

I need to start wii-fitting again, but I'm afraid of the animated Wii board judging me....You don't see the way it looks at me! Judgment in every curve! Perhaps I'll just have pie for breakfast, instead. That is sure to help me lose weight.... sides the pie is not cool enough yet to have some for a midnight-fifty snack.

P.S. Have I mentioned the Target hat commercial on here? I'm so mad I could spit.  Here's a youtube of it someone one taped off of TV.

I totally *can't* wear hats and now Target is mocking me and saying I can't walk in an orchard or have perfect kids or a super cute plaid coat. Thanks a lot, Target. Kara tells me that Rachel Zoe has this problem as well. At least I'm in fashionable company. I think I'll go stroll through a corn maze now. Take that, Target!