Today I've been thinking about love.
And how a person comes to love.
...and I'm not sure I know how it happens. That's not to say that I haven't loved. I have, and still do. Deeply. But how does it happen?
How do you get from thinking someone is attractive, to find someone interesting, to wanting to spend time with them, to wanting to spend all your time with them, to wanting what's best for them over what's best for you... Because that's the great paradox, isn't it? You start to love for yourself and somehow you end up in love for the other person. There is this confusing way in which you hope that you are the sick one, because it would be worse if it was your child. Where the old lady hopes that she dies first so that her husband doesn't have to learn to take care of himself. Where you do things you hate, because the other person will like it.
I think a lot of time I worry about making myself attractive. I am concerned about getting this mysterious other person interested in me, interested in spending time with me. Maybe that's because I think I'm easy to fall in love with if you get to know me... But is that really true? I have hundreds of friends. Out of all those hundreds I know of one who fell in love with me. Ok, take out the girls and the members of my family and let's say that I've known a good 150 eligible guys. I think that number is kinda low, but just for argument's sake, go with it. 1 out of 150 is not good odds! It's like needle in a haystack time. Yet every single day people fall in love. Somewhere out there someone is staring dreamily at someone and saying horrendously cheesy things that don't sound at all cheesy to them because they are in love.
How does that flippin' happen?
How does it go from- "I think you are hot" to "I want to pledge my whole life to you." I mean I think this is why Nathan and I were friends first. So that I could stumble into this caring. So that it could grow step by step, naturally. But how do you get someone to care about you? And where the heck is the line between caring for someone like a friend and caring for someone as more than a friend? That one I really don't know. Cause my closest friends... I really would do just about anything for them... and yet I don't feel about them the way I felt about Nathan.
And another question: How does it work if you aren't friends first? I mean that happens, I've seen it. Two people meet for the first time and then one or both of them just become totally taken with each other and that's it... And how do you know you are seeing the real person then? Twitterpated goggles can lie.
I've also been thinking about myself and how I come across to people. I've long said that I give a bad first impression... maybe it's because I only smile if I think something is funny, and not really when I'm nervous, but I don't know. I was talking with a friend the other day and they said, sorta off-handedly that I seem exclusive at first. How the heck does that happen... and how do you come across as non-exclusive... especially when you are shy and bad at small talk? I hate it when people get the wrong impression about me... I swear for a person with such a deep desire to please people, I also have a heck of a lot of pride.
Lenny is tryiNG TO commenT ON YOUR BLOG WITH HIS head. He's on the caps lock key as you can see.
ReplyDeleteLenny thinks that love happens when you act cute so someone will give you food, and they do. And they keep giving you food, and eventually, you won't even try to run away< EVEN IF THEY GIVE YOU A BATH>
Looks like he got the shift key, there, too.
Lenny knows.
I don't know how you do it.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so clear and passionate. And I really relate to your thoughts.
You are not alone in these feelings.
I hope you stay open to new love. Not because it is possible to replace Nathan, but because you are lovable.
I often wonder how I'll be at dating if something ever happened to Philip....it would be weird, and I think I'd be asking myself the same questions you are. I do find it easy to be smitten with others...love is just a whole other thing entirely!
ReplyDeleteI did mean something with that earlier comment. I mean that love sneaks up on you and maybe we're not meant to know how it becomes what it is. You just have to wait and see. I think back to when Matt and I were first married, or first dating. Did we have any idea then what love was? What I feel for Matt now seems like it must be hundreds of thousands of times stronger than what 19-year-old Sadie felt when we kissed at my birthday party. We know each other so much more profoundly than then, and we've shared so many experiences-- everything, really. And yet, even in the first days I met him, I had this premonitory feeling about him, and it went from, "This is a person I'd like to see more of," to "This is a person I hope will be a friend forever" to "This is a man I just cannot do without." And now it's hard to separate and say how one went to the other, or if it was always the same thing and I just became more aware of it. Because there have been plenty of people I've thought, "This is a person I'd like to see more of," and even a few "friend forever" types.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there was a moment after Matt had moved away, and I looked at the couch at a friend's house where he used to crash, and I felt like the whole world realigned as I looked at the couch and thought, "This WILL NOT DO." And then we were a couple, and when we would fight, I would be so mad at him that I never wanted to see him again, and yet, some bone-deep, constitutional sense in me would always look into the future of a life without Matt and it would say, with absolute finality, "This WILL NOT DO." And I would turn the car around and we would grow up and work it out, together. And on one hand, that was a choice, and on the other hand, it didn't exactly feel like a choice. It felt like a necessity. And then finally, one of my friends asked me when Matt and I were engaged if I had had a sign from God or the Universe or any other kind of external confirmation that Matt was the ONE, and I got really upset because I couldn't think of anything like that. And then that thing inside me looked into the future of not marrying Matt, and it just would not do. And I decided that was the only confirmation I needed, even if I couldn't really name it or define it to this day. So I told my friend I had not had a sign, I just *wanted* to, and that was an answer that satisfied nobody but me, but it satisfied me.
It was a good enough reason. A day will come when you will look at somebody again and think of them leaving, maybe just walking out the door to go home, and your soul will say "Nope. This absolutely will not do," or some other Renee-specific version thereof, and then you'll know. And how you know probably won't convince anybody but you, but it will convince you, and that will be enough. And they will feel the same, because frankly, you are great. You know of one guy who fell in love with you-- that hardly means there haven't been others already looking on from the sidelines.
On a completely unrelated note--
I admit, I thought you were a bit standoffish the first time I met you! But now that I know you, your initial reservedness is kind of a charming quality. When you've got character, you don't need to rely on first impressions. Look at Mr. Darcy! Er, not that you are rude. You are not rude. Just initially reserved.
Oh, no. I did it again. *scuttling*
ReplyDeleteHa! Sadie, I will say it again. Your super long comments are my favorites... it makes me feel like I have thoughts worthy of discussion! No need to scuttle. And I really like, "This WILL NOT DO," as a catchphrase.
ReplyDelete