Being Needy

Today I was a grown-up and ran errands all by myself... Nathan's phone will be turned off tomorrow, and I have a TV antenna that I installed myself (it wasn't at all hard) that actually lets me get the local channels clearly... at least right now... and I returned library books, and delivered papers and just generally proved that I can be a competent, reasonable, functional adult... not that I particularly *want* to be competent or reasonable or even an adult, but I can be.

I'm not sure I know who I am anymore... I've never lived on my own... I mean, yes, when I graduated college I had an apartment of my own and I lived there for the year before Nathan and I got married... but I wasn't really "living" alone... I was sleeping alone and once in a blue moon, cooking alone. Because I was engaged to a man who lived in the same apartment complex as I did and I would see him everyday and  if something happened or I was lonely I would just call him, and he'd dash over to my place, or I would go over there... I always had a back-up... and I'm suddenly finding out how very needy I am... I mean, yes I assume that part of this needy-ness is the extra that emotional trauma kinda throws on you... but I wonder how much of this is just who I am... I feel like I need to make about 4 "new" really good friends, because I can't expect the ones I have to bear all the burden of just how needy I am, and I'm only comfortable being needy with my really good friends. I think, too, that knowing I had someone who would respond even at 2 in the morning.. and who I could trust to not be thinking that I was a huge pain, or that he wished I wouldn't call him probably helped to ease some of this frantic-ness I'm feeling now. It's not that I don't have friends who would do anything for me... but they have lives... they have priorites, and I'm not anyone's "life" anymore... I'm not anyone's main priority. And I don't want to take that place if it isn't rightfully mine... But it makes me think I need to make more close friends and fast!

Also I need to find more single friends. Not that I don't love my marrieds... but... sometimes it's just easier to not be confronted with what I had. But people don't identify/ remember me as a single, now.. which is in part good... but in part makes me feel like there is no place for me... Odd man out or part of a remembered duo... Just call me the ugly duckling.

I really do need to come up with more things to do... I need to be more social, but I always feel like I need to be personally invited... (this is where my really weird mix of introvert and extroverted meet.) I *want* to be out and around more people more often, but I can't just invite myself or show up like I think a lot of extroverts can. It feels rude, and I can usually tell when I'm not really wanted, and it hurts my feelings. So if you were one of the many people in Springfield who said, "just let me know how I can help" Here's how... (and honestly I'm uncomfortable even saying this, but I'm also perhaps a little desperate.) but here's how you can help. Think of me. Invite me, personally. I can give you my cell phone number if you don't have it, and text me or call me if something is going on that I could come to...even if it's totally spontaneous. The worst thing that will happen is that I will already be doing something, which is actually a wonderful problem to have and the best thing is that you might pull me out of a funk. I want to be a social butterfly... I want a full dance card, so I don't have to dwell on how my dance card used to be filled. I don't like being alone... it reminds me that I'm alone.

To paraphrase Notting Hill: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a world, asking them to love me."


P.S. I still think you should go be a backer for this band. There are only 7 days left!

P.P.S. Also here is a link to Nathan's childhood best friend's website. (Convoluted enough for you?) Anyway, even if you didn't get the relationship you should check it out, because some of the stuff on there is hilarious. (They add/change things on coloring book pages.) Just trust me.