My cousin, Becca, is visiting. Plus she, several other friends, and I got together and played a game last night, and that was a lot of fun...Opportunities to laugh are precious- especially in the midst of the day I had.
Today was easier emotionally... but I did sit in the middle of my living room floor for 5 hours just organizing all the insurance papers and hospital bills. Don't ever get cancer.. it's bad for the environment.
Today I got Valentine's cookies from Bill and Paula... and a friend stopped by and gave me a hug... I'm not a touchy kinda gal, but hugs are pretty nice... at least if I consider you a friend they are... If we barely know each other... maybe not... I think after the funeral and the hundreds of handshakes, people want to give me space.. and sometimes I want it... and sometimes I wish that someone would reach out to me....
I think that's one of the weirdest parts of my current state of grief... I want to be totally left alone... except that I want people to give me hugs... I want to take a nap... so I don't and am up until
Today someone said to me, "Oh you're the widow. The widow of that young man." Please, Lord, don't let that be my defining characteristic for long. I don't want to live a life defined by his death. I can't stay in that ICU room in my mind... I've got a lot of living to do... leastaways that's what Conrad Birdie would tell me.
Renee. You are not loco. You are not doing things wrong because you can't put your finger on exactly what you want. You're wanting something that's not here anymore. You have been making decisions for years taking Nathan into account... it has got to feel weird figuring out what you want and what you should do without that piece. So, as Walt Whitman more or less said, if you contradict yourself, very well, you contradict yourself. It's only human.
ReplyDeleteRenee, you will not spend your life defined by Nathan's death - you are just too cool on your own. Right now, your "Cancer" label is the biggest on this blog, but that will change. It doesn't make it less important, but there's just so much more in your life than that.
ReplyDeleteAs for going loco, I bet if you could really read minds, instead of just being a really good guesser, you might find that while you are worried about acting crazy, everyone else is worried about acting crazy/insensitive/sad/happy/angry/huggy. So just be who you are, and we'll be who we are. 'Cause we like who you are. *hug*
Speaking of hugs, you realize that you've opened the floodgates now. Now you'll have to tell me to quit hugging you so darn much.