There is no normal

I have wonderful friends. Spent yesterday with several of them, and I can say with great authority that they are wonderful.

I'm doing laundry today.. It's been such a long time that I pretty well have 5 loads...But it's not all my clothes! Towels, Sheets, some of Nathan's things... that's all in there, too. I mean I have a fair amount of clothes and all... but I just wanted to be clear lest you judge me. I know of course that you won't, but I have a tendency to choose safe over sorry.

I read a widow book... I think it best to start using this term, because like "cancer" it's something I have to get used to and avoiding it doesn't do me a lot of good. Anyway the book was relatively helpful... It's odd to me that anyone under the age of 45 is considered to be a "young widow." Not that I at all begrudge sharing the title with whomever wants to be called a "young widow" but it does make me feel even more odd. I had started thinking that 27 was getting older... Not old, just getting old... Getting to be someone who should have their life figured out... But since everything has happened I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I'm just a kid. I'm glad we got married a little young so that we could have 2 years of "normal" marriage before everything went crazy, but now I look at my life and wonder how in the world there has been time to deal with everything I/we faced. He hadn't even turned 26 yet. And if he'd been 43 I'd still be a "young widow?" I'm a baby widow!

The widow book did say something that I disagree with... It says, "Widows are angry. That's a fact. Some admit it , some deny it-- and some don't even know it." Maybe it's the generality of this statement that I dislike... or maybe I am in denial, but I'm not angry. Sad, yes. Upset, yes. Have a possibility of taking this sadness and upset-ness out on well-meaning people, yes. But I'm not angry.  I don't understand. I never will understand why this had to happen... but the only thing that's left for me is trust in God's plan. If I didn't believe that God had a plan I'd never be able to get through this, and yes I probably would be incredibly angry. But I know that Nathan's doctors and nurses were fighting just as hard as we were, and I know that Nathan was fighting harder than any of us. Our hand got forced by the disease over and over and over... and while I will maintain that Cancer Sucks forever, there is little use in getting mad at a disease. It isn't going to apologize or feel remorse. It isn't going to feel anything at all, and I can't keep that kind of hate and anger inside myself, cause it will hurt my soul just as badly as the cancer hurt Nathan's body.

That said, there are a lot of other things in the book that I really identified with and understood. Most of all I found it entirely encouraging that pretty much anything that I feel or think or do is within the range of "normal." Mainly because there is no normal when faced with this kind of situation.... (except apparently to be angry... Bit of a contradiction, that). And other people had told me that.. but you know how it's different when someone who doesn't *have* to say it (cause they are looking you right in the face) does.

I don't want people to avoid talking about Nathan around me. I miss him and I like hearing stories about him, and in a way it validates me. I don't want for him to become the white elephant in the room. I'd rather talk about him and tear up every once in a while than feel like he's forgotten and cry by myself. I know I'm awfully good at pretend, but I don't want to pretend him away. I don't think I could.